Chapter 5

Some days are harder than others. But those other days I usually drown myself in wine, so I’m not quite sure if they’re actually easier or if I’m drunk.

- Fact of Life

Sawyer

“You can’t take a baby into a bar,” I said in mock outrage as Bristol pulled into a parking spot directly in front of Halligans and Handcuffs. I was referencing one of my favorite movies – Sweet Home Alabama.

“It’s not only a bar… and besides, it’s one o’clock in the afternoon,” Bristol said as she got out.

Since Bristol and Dallas’ youngest was on my side, I got the car seat and carried her inside, warily.

“Whatever you say… I won’t be the one going down for child endangerment,” I muttered under my breath.

By the time I made it to the front door, Bristol was there holding the door open for me.

I winced when the car seat dug slightly into my arm, and I handed the baby off to her mother.

The baby was probably all of eighteen pounds, but that was enough to make her feel like a million in the car seat.

Bristol took the seat and slung it into the crook of her arm like it was second nature… which it probably was seeing as this was her second child.

Their other baby, Latham, was at pre-school until three this afternoon.

Latham didn’t even know me, and I was his aunt.

I shut down that thought before it could morph into anything worse.

I studiously avoided looking at the cross on the way to and from work today.

It’d been only a half-day today since Zack had Friday afternoons off, and I was grateful.

Riding my bike back and forth to work, as well as putting in a whole eight hour shift, was tiring.

And it was more than I’d done in ten years; it was going to take some getting used to.

“Just two?” A man asked.

I looked up to find the man behind the bar, a man that had a long white beard down to his chest, and a pot-belly to rival a sumo wrestler, staring at us.

“Two and a baby. A booth will be fine,” Bristol said, holding up the arm that was holding the car seat.

The man nodded to a booth towards the middle of the room, and I grinned.

I loved how they incorporated all the firefighter and police memorabilia.

It was tastefully done, not ostentatious like it could’ve been.

“This place is nice,” I said, sitting down across from where Bristol sat Danni’s car seat.

Bristol took her own seat, and we both looked the menu.

It was the, “What can I get for you ladies?” That had me looking up.

It was the man.

The same one from the other day that’d stopped to make sure I was okay.

The older one.

I licked my lips.

“Dr. Pepper,” I said roughly.

My voice sounded scratchy, as if I’d been gargling Jack Daniel’s and chain smoking.

The old man smiled, and I was taken by his appearance once again.

I’d never seen an older man as hot as him.

He was just as fit as any other man in the room, if not even more so.

“I want a water with lemon,” Bristol said, smiling at the man.

I felt an irrational surge of jealousy when the man turned his attention to her. “You got it, babe.”

Bristol smiled as the man turned and left, and I was left wondering how well they knew each other.

“You know him?” I asked softly.

Bristol nodded.

“Everyone knows him. He’s the owner,” she whispered back.

My eyes widened. “Really? How old is he?”

She shrugged. “We always get mixed numbers. His son, who I’m sure you’ll see around, says he’s in his fifties. But the man doesn’t look a day over forty. He’s seriously beautiful, and I can only hope that Dallas ages that well.”

“His hair looks like that man’s on the commercial… you know the one for ‘Touch of Gray?’ The one that you said looked fake?” I whispered back.

She nodded. “He shaved off his long beard a few months ago. He looked a little bit older then. Now he looks like a fuckin’ cover model for Harley Davidson. They could seriously use him on all their ads and women would go buy Harleys just in hopes that their husbands might look that cool.”

I rolled my eyes.

“He looks good now, though. I like his beard that size.”

His beard was trimmed close to his face and outlined his jaw, upper lip, and midway up his cheeks perfectly.

It was the type that would feel great against the inside of your thighs… you know…if I had to guess.

I’d only had one lover in my lifetime, and that was when I was seventeen.

And he was as baby faced as they came.

It was incredibly disheartening and had been the only experience I would have… probably ever.

Which was the saddest part.

“What are you getting to eat?” She asked.

I looked down at my menu, noticing that they didn’t have anything that wasn’t fried.

My mouth watered at the plethora of foods.

“Chicken fried steak, fried okra, French fries, and fried pickles.”

Silence.

I looked up to see Bristol staring at me with wide eyes.

“You’re going to give yourself a heart attack,” she mumbled, going back to her menu.

I shrugged.

“Maybe.”

What did it matter?

I had no life.

And my family had already proved that they could live without me.

There was nothing keeping me here.

“She doesn’t look much different,” the whispered voice had me tensing.

I didn’t look up from my menu as I listened to the two ladies across the aisle from me discussing me.

“Do you think she had to become a dominant in prison to get her jollies off?” Another voice whispered.

“No. She’s too small. She’s probably the one that was on the bottom. Isn’t prison a good way to get AIDS and stuff like that?” The other one countered.

My eyes closed and my cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

Yes, it was a good way to get AIDS.

AIDS was high in the male population.

It wasn’t as easy for women to spread it to other women.

That wasn’t to say that women didn’t do things to each other in prison.

Women got just as desperate as men.

I didn’t, though.

I was too busy hiding from guards to worry about the other prisoners. Thank God for Ruthie, or I’d be just another person on a list of women that the guards tried to, and did, hurt.

And the other prisoners liked it that way.

More attention on another inmate meant less on them.

Ruthie and I had been the ‘beautiful ones’ according to the other inmates.

We’d had to become quick, smart and imaginative to protect ourselves against the guards.

I’d like to say they were all perfect gentlemen, but they weren’t.

Far from it.

“I’ll bet she sold her vagina out to the police officers that worked there to get more privileges,” the nasty woman continued.

I was done.

I scooted out of my seat and started to run.

I didn’t realize I was running away from the bathroom, not toward it, until I came to a hallway that led nowhere.

Fuck!

It came to a line of doors off the back hallway.

One was marked as a supply closet.

Another as an office.

The last was unmarked.

Then there was the emergency exit.

Although I didn’t push out of it since it said that an alarm sounded when the door was opened.

Tears welling up my throat, I went to the very end of the darkened hallway and turned my back to the wall before sinking down to my butt, using the wall at my back as leverage so as not to fall over.

Wrapping my hands around my knees, I buried my face into my legs and tried to will myself not to cry.

But it didn’t work.

Tears soaked through my clenched eyelids and my breath started to come out in pants.

I felt, more than heard him.

He dropped down in front of me and placed both hands on my arms.

“I kicked them out,” that deep, sexy voice said to me.

“You didn’t have to do that,” I mumbled into my knees.

“Yeah, I fuckin’ did. I don’t want bitches like that in my restaurant. Fuck that,” the man said eloquently.

I laughed through my tears, sniffling delicately as I raised my head from my knees.

Jesus, the man was really close to me.

“We should stop meeting like this,” I told him, wiping my tears with the back of my sweatshirt.

He grinned, showing off a smile that was brilliant.

The left side tilted up more than the right, making it more of a grin rather than a smile.

But he totally worked it.

“Your friend’s concerned,” he told me.

I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the wood paneling behind me.

“Yeah, I’m sure she is,” I said tiredly.

I was exhausted.

I knew I shouldn’t have come out today.

“Come on,” he said, picking me up by my elbows.

Easily, I might add.

He didn’t even strain.

Then he took both of his hands and wiped my tears off of my face before smoothing them down either side of his thighs.

I blinked.

“Thanks,” I said.

He shrugged. “Anytime.”

Then, with the man’s arm around my shoulders, he led me back into the main part of the restaurant.

And nobody took notice.

Not one single person.

They were all looking down, doing their own thing.

Which was surprising to me.

Normally, when a hysterical woman runs through the restaurant, when she comes back you’d expect them to stare.

But not one single person did.

Bristol smiled sadly at me as I was helped into my seat.

“Food will be out shortly,” he mumbled as he walked away.

I watched him go, impressed with how well those jeans fit his ass.

And still, not one single person looked up.

“Holy shit!” Bristol said, leaning forward and capturing my attention from the man who’d just walked around the bar.

I raised my eyebrow in question. “What?”

She blinked.

“You didn’t hear him?” She asked in surprise.

I shook my head.

“No, why?” I asked.

She bit her lip and leaned forward.

“He ripped the whole fuckin’ bar a new one. Those two ladies that were talking about you ran out of here crying. And he sent one of his men after them to make them pay their bill!” Bristol informed me.

I blinked.

“What’d he say?” I asked.

She smiled.

“That you were a human being, not a ‘fuckin’ circus sideshow’ and that everyone needed to ‘leave the girl the fuck alone and let her live her fuckin’ life.’ It was awesome!” She crowed.

That got a few looks, but they all just as quickly turned back to their plates and their own conversations.

“Wow,” I finally said.

Bristol nodded. “Silas is infamous. He’s like the most badass of all badasses! If you’re going to have anyone stick up for you, and it’s him, it means you’ll have the entire Dixie Warden Motorcycle Club at your back if you ever need it.”

I smiled sadly.

That would be awesome… if I were worth having that.

But I wasn’t, so I wasn’t going to look too much into it.

What was the point?

They didn’t know me.

And they didn’t need to. I was worthless.

“Here’s your food, ladies.”

I looked up to see yet another hot guy passing out food.

He didn’t look like he should be delivering our food.

He looked like he should be on the cover of a fireman calendar.

“Thanks Kettle,” Bristol said, pushing her food in front of her. “You’re not usually doing this. Are y’all short today?”

Kettle, was that really his name?

He answered to it, though.

“Yeah, Silas fired one of the men today because he said something he didn’t like,” Kettle said.

So the man’s name was Silas.

I liked it.

Kettle didn’t go into details, but for some reason I just knew that the man had been fired for saying something about me.

Fuck.

“Thanks,” I said, smiling at my plates that were placed in front of me.

I didn’t look at the man, though.

I could feel his eyes on me, studying me, and I knew that I wasn’t ready to be inspected so deeply yet.

Tears were still clinging to my lashes, and I just knew that Kettle would see right through me.

Especially if what I guessed was true about him being another member of The Dixie Wardens.

Although he wasn’t wearing the vest, but with his a firefighter shirt with blue tactical pants, I just knew he had to be a part of them.

My suspicion was confirmed moments later when he left.

“He’s a part of The Dixie Wardens, too?” I asked, popping a piece of fried okra into my mouth.

Bristol nodded as she delicately cut her grilled chicken into tiny, bite-sized pieces.

Awkwardly, I wielded my knife and fork, cutting into the chicken fried steak in front of me with a hacking motion.

See, we didn’t have food like this in prison. Which meant I hadn’t had to use a knife in eight years.

Knives of any kind, plastic or metal, were not allowed in prisons.

Nor was metal anything.

If it could be used as or turned into a weapon, it wasn’t allowed.

Plastic cutlery, mainly sporks, were all we were allowed to use, no matter what we were having.

And, God, was the food awful.

I moaned when I took my first bite of the chicken fried steak.

It tasted like heaven, breaded and fried.

And the gravy was delicious.

Then again, it could’ve been just above subpar, and I’d still think it was heaven.

Anything was heaven compared to what I had to stomach for eight long years.

It was nothing less than what I deserved, though.

“You suck,” Bristol said, eyeing my food with a longing eye.

I offered her a bite.

She shook her head.

“No, I’m trying to get all my baby weight off,” she said, gesturing to her stomach.

I rolled my eyes.

“Bristol, you have no baby weight. You have boobs. And you’re using those,” I informed her.

“Yeah, I like your boobs. Let’s just forget about losing weight,” my brother said as he dropped down into the seat beside me placing one arm around my shoulder and snatched a fry.

I leveled a glare in his direction.

“Don’t eat my food. Order your own,” I said haughtily.

He laughed and stole another fry.

So I stabbed him with my fork.

“Oww!” He yelled, cradling his hand to his chest and moving away from me.

“I said, don’t eat my food,” I reminded him none too gently.

He narrowed his eyes.

I shrugged, not caring.

He didn’t understand.

Nobody did.

Not unless you’d had to do time.

You didn’t realize how precious the freedom to eat what you wanted was.

They really had no clue.

And hopefully never would.

“Can I get you something, Berry?” That sexy voice rumbled from my side.

I looked up when I popped a fried pickle into my mouth, crunching down on it in time for Silas’ eyes to move to me.

The pickle crunched under my teeth, and I moaned.

So good!

His eyes flared, and he looked away to address my brother once again.

My face flamed as I thought about the show I’d just inadvertently put on.

Shit, Sawyer! Could you be any more embarrassing?

The reprimand stayed on my mind as I polished off the rest of my fries as Dallas ordered his food.

“I can’t believe you didn’t wait for me,” he said once Silas was gone.

I kept my eyes on his retreating form until he disappeared into the kitchen to place Dallas’ order, and I smiled.

“What are you smiling at?” Dallas asked, putting his arm around me again.

I laid my head on his shoulder as I relished the touch.

God, it felt nice to have human touch.

Wanted human touch, anyway.

“I like him,” I mumbled, gesturing to Silas, who’d come out of the kitchen to stand at the bar.

Dallas squeezed my shoulder. “Yeah, he’s pretty cool.”

I pulled out of his arms when Danni, their daughter, started to cry.

“Past her lunchtime, baby,” Dallas said to Bristol.

Bristol pulled Danni out of her car seat and handed her over to Dallas with a bottle she pulled from the diaper bag at her side.

I smiled as I watched my brother cradle the small girl in his arms and place the bottle up to her crying lips.

“You’re so cute holding her,” I said, smiling at him even wider.

He winked. “I’m cute all the time. Being a daddy just makes me even better.”

I rolled my eyes.

The arrogance!

“Sure, whatever you say,” I said, dipping a piece of steak into the gravy and smothering it.

Not intentionally, though.

My eyes were on the man behind the bar.

I watched Silas move.

The way the muscles in his shoulders shifted with even the tiniest of tasks.

Such as wiping down the bar in front of him with a white rag.

Or when he poured a beer from the tap.

I licked my lips, and he looked up just in time to catch me staring at him.

He winked and went back to pouring his beer, but my heart was frozen in my lungs at being caught.

Shit.

That wink, though, that was sexy as hell.

Oh, man.

I needed to get a life.

“So what happened to you last night? I went to the garage apartment, but the lights were out,” Dallas said casually.

Too casually.

“I went to bed,” I lied.

What I really did was get into the bathtub full of water that was so hot that my skin still burned from the heat and attempted to boil away my memories.

It didn’t work.

I sat in that water for two and a half hours while I stared at my toes lit only by candlelight.

I thought about that night.

Then all the subsequent nights since.

And wished I’d never said yes to going out.

“Oh,” Dallas said, looking down at Danni.

I could tell he thought I was lying, but I didn’t care.

I wasn’t fit company last night.

And he didn’t need to see me like that.

Hell, I didn’t want to see me like that.

“What time do you have to go into work tonight?” I asked, trying to change the subject.

“Six. I work C-shift this week,” he answered, looking up when his food was brought out.

I popped the last fried pickle in my mouth and held my hands out for my niece.

Just as she farted, and then filled her diaper with lord knew what.

“Uhhh,” I said, hesitating.

Bristol and Dallas started laughing.

“Oh, no,” Dallas said when I started to take my hands away. “You wanted her, you have to take her as she comes.”

Dallas got up and ushered me out of the booth.

I rolled my eyes, scooted out of the booth and stood. I took her and the diaper bag that Bristol held out to me.

I took it, looping it over my shoulder and walked with the now smiling little girl to the bathroom.

Where I realized they didn’t have any baby changing stations.

I looked at the non-existent sink area where there was no room to change a kid, let alone set anything down.

“Family establishment my ass,” I mumbled, pulling the door to the bathroom open and walking straight to the bar.

I knew the moment Silas realized I was making my way towards him because his body that was relaxed, stiffened.

Then he turned in my direction, crossing his arms over the top of the bar and watching me come.

“Need something?” He asked, taking in the baby and the diaper bag.

I nodded.

“You have no diaper changing station.”

It was meant to come out as a question, but instead sounded more like an accusation.

He blinked.

“Huh,” he said, turning and making his way around the bar.

I watched him come until he stood in front of me.

“You can use my bathroom. It has a big sink area,” he said, gesturing with his hand for me to follow.

I did, right into the same hallway that I’d found myself in from earlier.

I could smell him over certain other things, and it was wonderful.

Like pine needles and leather… the latter might be explained by the leather vest he had on.

A picture of a creepy woman was on the back, with Dixie Wardens over the top of the figure, and Benton under the bottom of it.

I wondered if he was really as important as everyone was making him out to be.

I doubted it.

A man that was supposed to be important wouldn’t be serving people food at a bar.

He hired people to do that.

Not to mention he didn’t mingle with the masses.

“Bathroom’s through there,” he said, gesturing to another closed door.

Danni made a cooing noise when she saw the lights above her eyes, and I nearly did too.

They were pretty cool.

He had a chandelier in his office.

Sure, the chandelier was made of beer and whiskey bottles, but it was still pretty awesome.

“Nice,” I said, gesturing to the light with my head.

He grinned.

“Made it myself,” he said as a way of thank you.

I smiled, but refrained from asking, ‘did you drink it all yourself, too?’

He was waiting for the question, but I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.

Walking to the bathroom, I shut the door so he didn’t see anything unsightly and laid Danni down on the cleanest bathroom counter I’d ever seen.

The bathroom matched the office.

It was pretty straight-forward.

Black granite. White tiles. White toilet.

There was a shower, though.

Something I wouldn’t expect in a restaurant office, but whatever.

“Oh, yuck.” I said, as I unsnapped the onesie Danni was wearing.

Shit had crawled out the top of her diaper and started to mingle with her shoulder blades.

Thank God I’d been holding her with a blanket underneath or I’d have it all over me, too.

“Hey!” I called. “Do you mind if I, ah, borrow your shower for a minute?” I called.

“Have at it. Since I’m in here I’m going to do a little paperwork,” came his mumbled reply.

Well, he probably didn’t mumble, but the door was shut, so it was inevitable.

I got the shower turned on, then thought, ‘fuck it.’

I rinsed her off, onesie and all.

Setting her down carefully in the bottom of the tub, I unhooked the showerhead and started to spray her off.

“Wow, kid. What did you eat?” I asked.

She smiled and giggled as I used the man soap on the ledge to wash her down thoroughly.

And I knew immediately where the smell of pine came from.

Yummy.

By the time I was finished with Danni, she smelled like a Christmas tree with a hint of man and leather.

It was a very nice smell, and I couldn’t help myself as I pulled Danni up into my arms, ten minutes later, fully dressed in a new set of clothes, and inhaled her scent.

I came out of the bathroom with Danni cradled to my chest.

Seemed like pooping and eating had tired her the hell out.

The door to the bathroom opened silently, and what I saw when I walked out had butterflies taking flight in my belly.

“Do you have a bag or something I could put these clothes in? Trash bag, grocery sack? I just don’t want to drag all of this with me through your bar,” I explained.

Silas looked up from his desk, and my breath caught in my throat.

He wore glasses perched on the end of his nose.

Ones in which he ripped off the moment he saw me standing there.

“Yeah, I think I got one when I brought my extra clothes a few weeks ago,” he muttered, pulling open drawers.

He found what he was looking for and yanked it open before dumping the contents on the desk.

My eyes fell on the underwear that were on top, and I nearly let out a moan.

He wore tighty whities.

Holy shit.

Sweet baby Jesus.

“Here ‘ya go,” he said, holding out the bag to me.

I took it, then looked at the bathroom before looking back down at Danni.

“Do you…ahhh…mind holding her?” I asked.

His cool demeanor melted into a puddle of goo on the floor.

“Yeah, I can do that,” he said, holding out his hands for me to place the sleeping Danni in them.

I handed her over, and her body was engulfed by his massive, scarred hands.

He cradled her to his chest expertly, and I was left staring at him dumbly for a few long moments while he looked down at the baby in his arms.

“She’s cute. I can’t even remember when my girl was this size,” he mumbled. “My granddaughters though… they were cute like this. Now they’re just shit heads.”

I had to laugh.

No bullshitting from him.

Which didn’t really surprise me.

He seemed the type to tell it like it was.

I smiled as I shoved the dirty clothes and the blanket into the little bag, and smiled even more when I came back out to see Silas still staring at Danni as if she were a piece of spun glass.

“How many kids do you have?” I asked softly.

He stood when he saw me with the things I’d brought with me and went to take them from me.

I shook my head.

“If you don’t mind, I’d like you to hold her while I take all this out to Bristol. Then I’ll go wash my hands,” I said softly.

He nodded and walked with me out to the restaurant once again.

“I have three kids. They’re all older now. Now I’m working on ruining the grandkids,” he murmured softly as we walked down the darkened hallway once again.

My senses seemed to be honed as I listened to him.

The way his voice rumbled in his chest. The way he smelled.

I’d never felt like this around anyone in my life. It was an odd experience.

And when I got to the table where my brother and Bristol didn’t even seem to care that I’d had their child for over twenty minutes, I was very disappointed.

I didn’t want him to leave.

“Thanks man,” Dallas said when Silas handed the baby over.

I set the bag of dirty clothes on the floor and offered the diaper bag to Bristol. “I have to go wash my hands. There are things on them that I’d rather not think about.”

Bristol laughed, and I turned to find Silas gone, and nowhere in sight. Only the hint of pine in his place.

I couldn’t figure out why I was so disappointed, but I was.

Really disappointed.

But it wouldn’t be the last time I saw him. Nor the last time I smelled him.