Chapter 11

PRESENT DAY

“I can’t.”

Rian releases her held breath, warming my parted lips. Her eyes open, wide and surprised, and I drop my hands from her face, slam my eyes shut, pull at my hair, and step away to pace and pace like a damn fool.

I’m a red-blooded, available male. The world’s telling me that I’m supposed to be able to do this. To take what’s offered. To be able to kiss and touch and screw anytime an opportunity comes my way. That this is somehow moving on. That this is cathartic and helpful and numbs the ache of rejection from the one woman I desire. The world believes that I should be capable of having sex without feelings, that I can use it to satiate the craving in my nature. It’s what I hear in my head, what I see around me in movies, in books, in characters in scripts. I see it in real life, with people I know, people I don’t know, people I’ve worked with, and people I’ve loved. But that’s not who I am.

I’m a red-blooded available male who is so absolutely crazy in one-sided love that I can’t work up any willpower to enjoy an intimate touch with another woman, no matter how attractive or willing she may be. And the world may be right—this near-stranger, or a whole string of near-strangers, may be able to patch up the scratches on my wounded ego. But I need something to patch up the deep cuts on my heart, and I’m pretty sure the only thing that’s capable of that is time.

“I’m so sorry. There’s something wrong in here,” I say, pressing a hand against my chest. “It needs to be fixed and it needs more time and I’m still in love with her and I can’t…She’s the first person I think of when I wake up and the last fleeting thought before I go to bed, and even tonight while I was trying to forget her, I couldn’t forget and I couldn’t make her disappear and I can’t do this with you, not while I’m still wishing you were her. And it’s not fair of me to ask you to help me move on when I’m just not ready to. I’m not ready.”

And as though a sudden light drops from the sky, my whole body warms and gravity feels different and I’m in another space, another time. A time when I held Theresa in my arms and she told me these same words. Her heart wasn’t ready…but it could be with time. I get it all now. I mean I fully comprehend why Theresa kept pulling away. She was still in love with someone else and she needed time and space and patience and understanding. And she may find someone else when she’s ready. Just like I will. I’ll find someone else when I’m ready.

But I am not ready now.

“I’m…I’m not ready either,” Rian whispers from the darkness outside my epiphany’s light. I blink a few times to try to get back to the space and time I’m supposed to be in.

“C-come again?”

She shakes her head, her earrings dangling back and forth against her cheeks. Her nails clack against the underside of the bench as soon as she drops onto it.

“I haven’t been totally honest about my intentions tonight. I kind of used you as a cover.”

I fall onto the bench next to her, the confident woman I’ve been with all night melting before my eyes. “What do you mean?”

“I thought I could try to get him out of my head.” She lets out a humorless laugh at our feet. “Win his complete opposite at the auction tonight and prove it somehow. Prove that he’s not right for me. That a guy like you who’s sweet and talented and understated would balance me out, but…well…it never…I mean, no offense, but it was all so…”

“Yeah,” I agree, knowing full well she doesn’t need to finish her sentence. “It was all so…”

She playfully curses and puts her face into her palms. “It was a disaster, wasn’t it?”

“Not a disaster.” When she gives me a pointed look, I concede, “Maybe a little forced. On both our ends.”

She turns to look at me, resting her head on top of her knuckles. “I thought if I threw in some dirty talk, a few touches, maybe kissed you a few times, that we’d just be…”

“We’d just be…,” I echo, and we let another joined thought fly off into the night air. She starts laughing, and I push my knee into hers. “Don’t have to laugh so hard at my lack of debonairness.”

“It’s not that. I’m just so relieved.” She rolls her eyes to the sky. “I really thought you were feeling it.”

I shake my head a little too enthusiastically, and we both laugh at ourselves.

“Sorry you wasted your bid.”

“I didn’t waste it. It was for charity. Wasn’t completely about you.” She winks and nudges me in the shoulder. “And besides, I don’t think I would’ve realized what I really wanted if I’d bid on anyone else.”

I’m sure there’s a compliment in there somewhere. “Well, then, I’m glad I helped you out.”

She grins, then pushes up from the bench. “Come on,” she says, sticking her hand out to me. “I’ll call Jackson and we’ll drop you off wherever you need to go.”

“Actually, I think I’m gonna walk.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. Want to think.”

“Wallow?”

“Maybe.”

She tilts her head to the side, her teeth playing with the inside of her lip yet again. Without the added pressure of who I wanted her to be tonight, the air feels much more breathable—I think for both of us.

“Well,” she says, holding out a friendly hand, “I paid for a kiss. I still want it.”

I slap my palm against hers and we stand up. She taps her cheek, making it hard not to smile. I lean in quick, press my lips to her cold skin. It’s nice—completely void of raging amounts of guilt. There’s no pressure to take this kiss and try to make something out of it. She drops back down on her heels and smiles at me.

“I really hope you get him,” I tell her.

“I hope you get her, Alex with a c.”

I cringe a little at the nickname, finally feeling able to express how I really feel about it, and let out a sigh. “Me too.”