Chapter Seven

Indie

 

 

Fuck Cross Rhodes and fuck Courting Chaos.

Or at least those girls were going to try their best to do just that. It shouldn’t have bothered me. I wouldn’t let it bother me.

I just wanted to go watch my father play to a sold-out crowd.

After putting in the custom earplugs, I slipped through the side door and walked out to the side of the stage. Dean waved at me, then went back to scanning the crowd.

A venue security guy opened the gate for me to step out onto the floor and I found the perfect spot to get some fantastic pictures of the band. Eventually, I’d go back inside security to that small space between the stage and the audience and maybe even up onto the stage. I had the pass, so no one would stop me.

One thing I never did was try to push through the hoard of people to get up front. Up front could actually be dangerous. Someone had actually been crushed and had died during a Kissing Cinder performance at a big festival. The band hadn’t known what had been going on at the time and had only learned about it later. But it had messed the guys up for a while.

At first, I just watched them do their thing. Being able to take the show in not through the lens of my camera was sometimes as nice as taking the pictures. I never made it a full set, though.

Snap, snap, snap.

I moved along the outside of the crowd, took pics of them dancing and singing and pouring their hearts into the songs almost as much as the band did. Then I slipped back inside.

Dad eventually looked right at me and scrunched up his face. Then he twisted it another way. Then another. I just continued to push the button and would keep taking his picture until he stopped. “Playful” didn’t even begin to cover describing my father.

But when they played my favorite song, “This Isn’t Good-bye,” I stopped everything I was doing and listened, letting the melody sweep me away. This was an older, slower song of theirs but absolutely timeless. Special for me because Dad used to sing it to me when it was time to leave at the end of a visit.

He caught me watching, then smiled and winked. The girl behind me squealed like he’d been looking at her. While I knew the truth, there was absolutely no reason to burst her bubble.

This was my dad’s song to me. He’d written it, he said, to make himself feel better about leaving. It was never good-bye, he said. He’d always return. What he didn’t know for a long time was that the routine of him singing me that song accompanied by only an acoustic guitar, then returning later made me feel better as well. I always knew he’d come back.

When Kissing Cinder was down to just two songs, I made my escape backstage.

The best part of watching Dad and the guys was that I’d spent at least an hour not thinking about Cross or Courting Chaos or whatever debauchery was happening backstage. I didn’t like how much of my brain’s real estate they’d been occupying.

Yet as I went down the hall, I could still hear their little party happening in the same room I’d left them in. I’d avoid that area at all costs and hopefully avoid another run-in with Cross.

Instead, I went to grab a drink and let Dad do his post-show routine before the meet and greet.

I loved being on tour with Dad and it was an amazing opportunity to get to see the country along the way. That wasn’t something most people ever got to do and unlike the bands, I actually got to see the cities we went to. Once in a while, Dad had the time to go out and explore with me, but I always went out by myself all the time because I didn’t have the obligations they did. I had freedom.

“Get some good pictures?” Dean asked as I walked down the hall.

“Always. They get so lost in the music. The pics will be amazing.”

Dad’s dressing room was already bursting with sound when I got there, but I could still hear the crowd out in the arena taking their time to clear out, chanting for an encore, begging for just a little more of Kissing Cinder.

Now, I just wanted to go to bed. I’d gotten up at three this morning to get to the airport and now it felt like I hadn’t slept in days. The bands would be going half the night doing whatever it was they did after the show. I knew what some of their activities were but tried extremely hard not to think about them. But I couldn’t go to bed without letting Dad know.

I knocked, but no one answered. So I pushed the door open as I knocked again. Then I called out without looking in. “Hello?”

“Come in,” Cody said back.

Manny still had only a towel wrapped around his waist after the all-important post-show shower when I shut the door behind me, but Dad and Cody were fully dressed. The shower ran in the room behind the wall.

“Hey, Dad.” I rustled his wet hair as I circled around the couch and dropped down beside him.

“You look exhausted,” he said back.

“Oh, you sweet talker.” But the huge yawn that came next betrayed me anyway. “Actually, though, I am. I’m just going to go back to the bus and sleep until forever if that’s OK with you.”

“Fine with me. I can come with you. We could watch a movie.”

“Did you miss the ‘sleep forever’ part?” I smiled tiredly over at him. “Listen, this isn’t my first rodeo. Lots of fun to be had tonight. I’ve just been up since you went to bed last night, so we’ll hang out tomorrow or whenever. It’s fine. Promise.”

He nodded. “If you’re just going to sleep anyway, I might just stay on—”

“Manny’s bus. Or Cody’s or whatever. Yeah, Dad. I know how this works.” Even though it took every last bit of the energy I had left, I pushed up to stand. Dad followed. “Party hard,” I said.

Dad chuckled. “I’ll keep my phone close in case you need anything,” he promised, pulling me into a hug.

“And I will keep my phone very, very silent for the sleeping forever. If you need something, you should probably call Dean.”

“Night, Ladybug.” He squeezed even harder.

“Oh, don’t start that again.” I pulled back.

“And if I do?”

“I might have to run home and tell Mom. Night, guys.”

As I slowly dragged myself toward the exit, it became clear the Courting Chaos party was still in full swing with its loud music and laughter. Nothing I said to Cross had made a damn bit of difference.

Then I remembered Bellamy’s text a couple of hours ago. You should send me a Courting Chaos T-shirt. I’d love you forever. So instead of going right to the bus where I really wanted to be, I found the people packing up the merch tables and grabbed a T-shirt, CD, and a couple of other trinkets. Maybe I’d even get someone to have them signed though I wouldn’t ask the guys myself.

Then I pushed out into the night air and was met with fevered screaming. They did that every time someone opened a door or moved or breathed or blinked. To their utter disappointment, it was just me. There was a collective groan followed by silence. That kind of reaction could ruin a girl’s self-esteem. Me? I just laughed it off. I wasn’t the one they were trying to catch a glimpse of.

Yet inside Dad’s bus, now my bus, the air was calm and quiet. Exactly what I needed.

That bus basically became my bus once I joined him on tour. Some nights Dad would stay on with me, some he’d spend on another bus indulging in the “benefits” of being on tour.

Bellamy and Maggie thought it was weird how chill I was regarding Dad and his life. This life with my dad was all I knew and I didn’t get the details, didn’t want the details, would’ve stabbed the details in the face just to not witness it.

But it was his life.

Though I did have the bus to myself a lot, sometimes others crashed here as well. Buses got crowded. People needed breaks. It wasn’t unusual for one of the guys who didn’t have his own to sleep in one of the bunks for the night. Not just anyone was allowed, but those in Dad’s trusted circle knew they could ask and I wouldn’t likely say no.

I’d sleep in Dad’s room with the real bed at the back. He insisted he could sleep in a bunk because this was what he spent his life doing. But for me, he wanted the privacy the bedroom afforded.

If I could make it there. The couch looked pretty comfortable when I finally got up the steps, so I sat down on it just for a minute.

And it was the last thing I remembered doing.