Cross

"So it's a deal," I say to Lizard after the one hour long meeting is finally over. "I'll come down to Las Vegas for the final fight on Tuesday, and you'll hand over the cigarette smuggling business to me then."

He offers me his meaty, greasy palm, which is cold as ice. "The cigarettes for the guns."

It's not much of a deal looking at it from my point of view. The entire warehouse of guns in Rapid City, for a tiny cigarettes smuggling operation Lizard couldn't really control in Vegas. He's a dumb fuck, but even he saw that, which I'm sure is the reason he took so long to take the deal.

But I finally managed to convince him, saying that Rapid City is too far for me to control, and that I have all the guns I'll need for the foreseeable future. I also told him that I hope this gesture will mean we’ll co-exist in peace from now on. Despite all that, I still had to do some heavy hinting that me having a daughter that I'm trying to keep out of harm's way was the main reason I'm not escalating the situation into a full-on fight.

Rook found out that the final of Death Match will be held in Vegas this year, so that’s why I chose the cigarette smuggling business as my price. It will give us a reason to be at the fighting pit from which I intend to rescue Roxie's brother before I do anything else. Lizard won't know what hit him. And I'm gonna laugh right in his face once he realizes that I took it all away from him. And only then will I kill him too. But I won't gloat over it too much, I'll handle this swiftly.

I walk them to the driveway, wait until they exit the grounds before I go in search of Roxie. I won't tell her all of my plan yet, since it's too early to get her hopes up about Ice, but I sure want to.

The four guys I sent to watch her and Lily in the woods are all eating sandwiches in the kitchen and inform me Lily is up in her room. They're pretty sure Roxie is with her, but Lily is alone when I run up to her room.

"Where's Roxie?" I ask, but she just shrugs and doesn't even look up from her laptop.

Roxie's not in my room either. But her car is still parked in the driveway below, so she can't be far.

"Did she stay outside when you came in?" I ask Lily, as I pop my head back into her room.

She just shrugs again. Her refusing to string a couple of words together and give me a proper answer is pissing me off, but arguing with her about it will just make it worse.

So I return to the dining room instead.

"Did you actually see Roxie come into the house with Lily?" I ask the four who were supposed to be watching her.

They exchange a look, none of them eager to answer my question.

"Tell me," I demand when it become obvious that they're not gonna.

"Well the thing is, Prez," Straw says, eyeing the other two and not meeting my eyes. "Your daughter just started running back to the house at one point, and it looked like she was in distress, so we all followed her, since you wouldn't like it if something happened to her. But she was fine, and by then we left Roxie behind. But she's in no danger, right? We were supposed to be watching Lily, right?"

I think his repetitive questions have a lot to do with the dark look I'm giving him.

"You were supposed to be watching both of them," I say. "I thought I was clear on that. I also thought I made it very clear that they're not to come back to the house until Lizard was gone."

They all look sheepish enough now. "We just thought that was more for Lily's benefit, so she wouldn't get scared seeing strange bikers around the house after what happened. We thought Roxie would be fine. Her being a grown woman and there being no immediate danger around here."

"She might have gotten lost," I say. "Come on, you're helping me look for her."

I have a very queasy feeling in my stomach about Roxie being gone, much like the tightness I feel when I think a deal or a job is about to go south. But there's no reason for it right now, none at all.

They all get up hastily, but only Straw sets his half-eaten sandwich down before following me out the room. The other two bring theirs with them, and it's not helping to quell my ire at the situation.

We search all the way to the creek where they last saw her, and a ways beyond. And I call out her name more than once, but it goes unanswered.

The sun's already set by the time we return to the house and while I'm hoping I'll find Roxie there, wondering what the hell I'm getting so worked up about, I know I won't. She's gone.

And I think it's my fault. She probably saw Lizard and bolted.

My suspicions are confirmed when the guy overseeing our surveillance system tells me the security cameras caught her running through the door in the wall just after Lizard arrived. I don’t even go watch the recording.

I should've foreseen that, should’ve sent her back home this morning. But I was selfish, wanted her to stay here with me for another night before she goes back to work, and I only see her for a couple of hours each night.

Now I have no idea how to find her, because I don't have her phone number and she might be anywhere in these woods. But she's also a fighter and a survivor. So I'm betting she found her way down the hill and back home just fine. At least that’s where I’m hoping to find her.

Lily is waiting for me by my bike.

"Are you leaving again?" she asks.

"I'm going to find Roxie," I tell her.

"Do you think she got lost in the woods?" Lily asks, and there's actual concern in her voice, which is a nice change from her usual teenage surliness.

"Why did you run away from her in the forest?" I wasn't gonna ask her this since I assumed it'd just lead to arguing, and I don't have time for that.

"She didn't believe me when I told her about my dreams and the omens they actually are," she says defiantly. "Just like you don't believe me."

"I don't have time for this right now, Lily," I say, stopping myself from saying "this bullshit" just in time. She looks so lost and alone right now, so in need of comfort that I have no idea how to give her.

"It's not your fault, Lily," I say and stoke her hair rather awkwardly. But she leans into my hand like it's exactly what she wanted.

"My dreams are an omen. And I think it’s starting to come true," she says and grips my hand in hers. "Please, believe me."

I don't, but it means a lot to her, so I nod anyway. "Alright, we'll talk about it later, OK? I have to go find Roxie now."

She lets go of my hand and offers me a piece of paper she’s been clutching in her fist this whole time.

"Please find her. I don't want her to be lost in the woods. She gave me her phone number, maybe you can try calling her."

I take the piece of paper and check the number, sure it's probably her work one. But it's a mobile number, and I'm dialing it the next second. It rings, which I guess is a good sign, but she doesn't pick up, which isn't.

"She's not answering," I tell Lily, and she gives a sad little shrug. I stuff my phone and the piece of paper with Roxie’s number into my pocket.

"Go find her," Lily says. "And bring her back. I want to tell her I'm sorry for yelling at her."

"I'm sure she already knows that," I say as I roll my bike from the garage. And I actually am, because Roxie is a good, kindhearted person, and I can't believe I might have fucked everything up today.

"I know I'm obnoxious, you don't have to pretend I'm not, Dad," she says, making me freeze as I start to mount my bike.

She hasn't called me Dad once since she found out who I was. Her saying it now feels like something that should be celebrated with champagne and cigars. But I have no time for that. So I just let go of my bike and pull her to me, hugging her tight. She returns it like she'd been waiting for nothing else for a long time.

"I'm not easy to get along with either," I say. "But I'll try harder."

"Me too," she mutters into my stomach, hugging me tighter still, then releasing me. "Now go find Roxie."

"I plan to," I say as I release her too. “And you go inside and have some dinner. I'll see you tomorrow."

That's just wishful thinking on my part, I think. Because I don't know, if I have the words to make Roxie take me back tonight.

* * *

Roxie

I called a taxi as soon as I reached the foot of Resolution Hill and had an address to give them to pick me up at. Then I asked the driver to take me to a motel somewhere off the beaten path. He laughed as he informed me that pretty much everything around here is off the beaten path. I didn't find it funny, and I think my face said it all, since he didn't make any more jokes.

I started shaking as soon as I was alone in the room, so many conflicting thoughts and plans running through my brain, my mind kept skipping between them.

I should buy a new car and leave town tonight.

I should call Cross and demand an explanation.

I can't just leave everything behind. If I don't show up for work tomorrow, I'll never get another job.

I have to change my name again, since Cross knows it now. And that means Lizard does too.

No, it doesn't. Cross would never betray me. He promised me revenge. He loves me.

It's dark outside and I still don't have a plan.

A strange number has been calling my phone for the past hour, and I have a pretty good idea that it's Cross.

Talking this out with him seems as good a plan as any. At least I'll get some satisfaction from yelling at him for betraying me. For ruining my life all over again after I told him my deepest, saddest secret.

"How could you?" I snap as I call the number back and Cross answers.

"Where are you, Roxie?" he asks ignoring my question.

"I'll never tell you that," I counter. "How could you call Lizard and sell me out to him the moment I told you who I am? Or did you know who I was before, and he was already on his way to get me when I told you?"

My voice is very high-pitched and shrill.

"I have a problem unrelated to you and your family with Lizard." He's speaking slowly, like he's picking his words very carefully. Maybe it's because he's lying. Or maybe he just thinks I'm too hysterical to understand him, if he doesn't speak slowly. It doesn't matter. "I would never hand anyone over to that bastard, least of all you. He doesn't know you're here. I let him go today, but he doesn't have long to live, because of what he did to you. I promise you that."

For years, as I mourned the death of my family and the destruction of my world, I longed for someone to say those words to me. To help me get revenge. I'd have done it myself, but apart from being able to shoot a handgun pretty well, I don't have any special skills. I'm no assassin. And fantasies of revenge are corrosive, they poison every thought and make healing impossible, so I let them go years ago. It was hard, but better for me in the long run.

"I don't know, if you're lying or not, or if you even can deliver on that promise, but I don't want it," I say, calmer now. And I know it was hearing his voice that eased my panic, but I also know it won't last. Because it can't.

Being with Cross, loving him, building a home and starting a family with him, will only lead to disaster. He's a killer, a criminal, and he will meet his match.

"I can deliver," he says, so sure of himself that I don't doubt it.

But I've made up my mind. I'm starting my life all over again in the morning. And Cross will not be a part of it.

"I want to believe you that you didn't betray me to Lizard, maybe I even do, but either way, it doesn't matter," I say in such a glacial voice, I hardly recognize it as my own. "You and me have no future, and the only thing I ask is that you leave me alone from now on."

It hurts to say it, and the loneliness that was my life before I met him is already shadowing the edges of my mind. But it's the only way, the best decision. I can’t risk losing my family again, and today I saw just how close that pain always is.

"Why?" he asks. "I swear you’re in no danger. I swear it on my daughter’s life."

That’s a big thing to swear by, because I know how deeply he cares for Lily. And I’m certain now that I can believe him, that he didn’t betray me. But that’s not what our conversation is about anymore.

"I am holding you to that promise," I say. "But I left your world behind a long time ago and vowed never to go back. What we had was amazing, but it’s over. Let me go and forget me, Cross."

"Yeah, that's not gonna be easy," he says, and it's a teasing sort of comment, but his tone is dead serious.

I can see his face as he says it, his dark eyes boring into me with all the heat, all the intensity of lava boiling just beneath the earth's surface. I wish I could give him a better answer. I wish we could make it work. Because I do love him, and he is the home I yearned for these past six years.

But I can't make it work.

Seeing Lizard today showed me how close danger always is, even when you least expect it. What happened to my father's MC could happen again. I will not put myself in the way of that ever again. I'd rather spend my whole life alone than losing everyone I love again. I can't do it twice, and I have to get away while I still can. Before it happens and takes me under for good.

"Roxie?" he says questioningly, since it's taking me a long time to say something while all that flies through my brain. But now all the plans I've been trying to make this afternoon are finally solidifying into my future. One I can live with.

"Goodbye, Cross," I say. "Don't call me again."

"Don't do this, Roxie. I love you, and I can’t let you go," he says, the feeling behind his words shaking me to my core.

But I hang up anyway and turn off my phone, the sad loneliness that's been my life for the past six years already congealing into a shield around my heart. My brother gave his life to save mine. I have to keep running.

* * *

Cross

I was sitting on my bike in front of her house when she called me back, but the happiness at hearing her voice faded fast as she started talking in that icy tone.

I left as soon as she hung up.

She doesn’t want my help? Fine. She wants me to leave her alone? Won't even talk about it?

Well, consider it done, Roxie.

I was willing to risk my life and the lives of my men to give her revenge. To right the wrong done to her. To reunite her with her brother.

But she wants nothing to do with me anymore? She wants me to forget her?

No woman's ever turned me down this harshly. None ever even came close to pissing me off this much in the process.

But I hardly know her and this will pass. She might have touched me the way no other woman managed to, but that was probably just because I've stayed away from women while I adjusted to life with Lily. I was starving for sex, and Roxie just happened to deliver better than any woman I've met in a long, long time.

But that coldness and harshness of hers isn't worth it. There's plenty of fine pieces of ass out there to please me, and I never meant to settle down.

The more reasons I come up with to hate her, to discard her, give her what she wants and forget her, the more my anger at her fades. And what's left in the center of it is just this sickening feeling that I'll never again find what she gave me. I've never fallen for a woman like this, never wanted to make a home with one the way I do with Roxie.

But I ignore that, have a prospect drive her car down to her house as soon as I return to HQ.

Then I go to bed, refusing to give Roxie another thought, even though the whole fucking room smells like her. But after hours of tossing and turning, I've pretty much made the decision to just make my move against Lizard and forget about saving her brother first.

She doesn't want my help? Fine, I won't offer it.

She doesn't think I'm worth her time? Fine, I won't give it to her.

But when I wake up the next morning, my first thought is, "Where's Roxie?"

I've gotten so used to waking up next to her this past week, it takes the knowledge that she left me a few moments to sink in.

The anger returns then, but it's a dull sort of thing, not as biting as it was last night. Maybe waking up with Roxie the first thing on my mind is an omen, the kind that Lily believes in. Or maybe it's just something that happens when the person you fall in love with tells you to go to hell before you're ready to dump them.

I guess only time will tell.