A big platter of sushi between us, Frannie and I huddled in the break room, plotting.

“There have to be sequins,” she said adamantly.

I thought about it, then nodded. “I’ll concede that sequins do fit the occasion.” I held a finger up when she started to speak. “I know, I know, sequins fit any occasion.”

“They really do,” she said, popping an eel roll into her mouth.

“So, we’ve decided we’ll all wear sequins. What are we actually going to do?”

“How do you feel about drag queens?” she asked.

I gasped. “A drag show?”

“Do you think Rachel would like it?”

“Um, yes! That’s an awesome idea for her bachelorette party.”

Frannie clapped her hands together. “Done and done! We’ll go to the club Ryan and his friends took me to last year, then bar-hop until we drop. We could have a slumber party at my place so no one has to drive home.”

“Will Ryan be joining us?” I asked.

Ryan was James’ brother and one of Frannie’s best friends. He’d just gotten engaged to his boyfriend, Marcus, and was in the midst of his own wedding planning frenzy.

“Yeah, and Marcus. And all the other usual suspects.”

“I can’t believe her wedding is in two weeks. I really have to practice my songs. Charlie keeps distracting me,” I said.

Frannie raised her brows. “Charlie, huh? His name seems to keep coming up.”

I held my hands up. “We spend a lot of time together, that’s all.”

“No banging?” Frannie asked. She was nothing if not blunt.

I laughed. “No banging, Frannie!”

“Well, why the hell not?”

“We’re just friends. I do have a date with Alex tomorrow night, though.”

After the awkwardness when Charlie brought me home from Wicked, we’d run together every day, but he’d been more quiet than usual. I hadn’t mentioned my impending date because I knew he wasn’t a fan of Alex and I didn’t want him to give me any shit. Plus, it just felt weird to talk to Charlie about another guy, since he was the current holder of my heart, even though he didn’t know it.

“Did you eat all the sushi?” Rachel asked from the doorway.

I waved her in. “Get in here, Rach. Frannie is going to town on the eel rolls.”

Rachel waved her chopsticks at Frannie threateningly. “Back off the eel rolls.”

Frannie pushed the platter toward her. “Eat! I don’t think you took a break today.”

As Rachel put a piece of sushi in her mouth, I said, “That hair color correction you did was stunning. I didn’t think you’d be able to get all the green and blue out of her hair without frying it.”

Frannie nodded. “I bow down to your skills.”

Rachel giggled. “Friends don’t let friends put ash brown on their white-blonde hair. The results will only be terrifying.”

“I marvel every day at how lucky I am to work with such talented women. Truly,” I said.

Frannie smiled softly and placed her hand on mine. “Me too. You know it took me forever to find my place in the world and in this business, but you and Rachel are the shit.”

I snorted in surprise. “The shit, huh? Is that like when Charlie said I was the bee’s knees?”

“Oh, we’re talking about Charlie again, are we?” Frannie asked with a smirk.

“He said you were the bee’s knees?” Rachel asked.

I waved them off. “Yeah, it was part of a silly conversation we had about bringing old sayings back. It didn’t mean anything.”

“Why are you so determined to think he’s not interested in you?” Rachel asked.

I sighed slowly. “Because we’re together all the time. I’ve slept in his bed. We’ve hugged and held hands. I think if he was interested in anything beyond friendship, it would have happened. I’m not sitting around pining away for Charlie. Our friendship has become really important to me, and yes, I have feelings for him far beyond that, but I can’t force anything to happen unless he wants it too. I would hate to ruin what we have.”

“Can I say one thing and then drop it?” Rachel asked.

“Of course,” I said.

“Is there a chance Charlie feels the same about you, but is worried about ruining your friendship too?” she asked.

“Yeah, I like that theory,” agreed Frannie.

“Where’s James when I need him to talk me down? Of course there’s a chance! Don’t you think I torture myself about that every time I’m with him?”

I ran my hands through my hair, yanking on the ends in frustration.

“Well, as I told Rachel a while ago, you are sublime, and any man would be a fool not to see that. I’m happy you’re getting out there, living your life, and dating. Alex is a pretty fine specimen,” Frannie said.

I grinned. “He is, isn’t he? And thank you. You’re pretty damn sublime too.”

“We’re just a trio of sublime women, aren’t we?” Rachel said, smiling.

“We are pretty amazing,” Frannie said.

I would never survive without these women. While my heart and body wanted a man to love, Frannie and Rachel were two of the loves of my life. They made me smile and lifted me up in a way I’d never experienced before I met them. The three of us had all been to hell and back, and sometimes I felt the universe brought us together as a reward for all the other shit we’d gone through.

The sushi was eaten, the gossip was discussed, and the shop was quiet. Rachel was at the desk doing payroll while I mopped the wood floors. We had a weekly service that came in and scoured every edge and corner, but no one got it as clean as I did, and cleaning soothed me anyway.

“I’m done for the night. Mind if I hit it?” Rachel called.

“Yeah, I’m almost done too. See you tomorrow,” I said.

I worked my way around the shop until the floors were shiny. My salon, my home, and my car were all scrubbed and polished within an inch of their lives. I hadn’t been a neat freak as a child, but I was a naturally tidy person. When I finally moved out of my parents’ house and in with Edward, my cleaning habits started taking over. Instead of fixating on the holes in my relationships, I got down on my knees and scrubbed the grout in the bathroom. Instead of standing up for myself when Edward made one belittling remark after another, I ironed the sheets and the curtains and every article of clothing I owned. Instead of really facing what my life was becoming, I covered it all up in lemon-scented polishing spray.

After we’d broken up, the cleaning continued, but not as obsessively. I’d come to realize part of the reason I had become so ritualistic in my cleaning was because it gave me a sense of control over my environment and situation when I’d allowed it to be taken from me in most every other way.

I’d gotten a lot better over the last couple months. I no longer stayed for two hours after the salon closed, polishing every surface and refolding towels. Sometimes, I even left for the evening when Rachel did. Only when I was upset or feeling unsure did I feel myself needing to scrub and scour until my hands were raw from chemicals.

I didn’t want to give Charlie the credit for the change in me, because if he left for any reason, I desperately didn’t want to revert back to how things had been before. Although I knew he was a huge part of bringing me out of my fog, I liked to think I was responsible for keeping myself there.

I locked up the salon and walked next door to my apartment, feeling optimistic. When I got to the top of the steps, I almost wasn’t surprised to see a slip of white paper peeking out from under my mat.

I sat down on the steps, reading and re-reading his note. Even this short little message made me miss him, and I’d just seen him that morning.

As much as I was disappointed he wouldn’t be around tomorrow, it felt like a good thing I already had dinner plans with Alex. My heart needed that little bit of distance between us. Because as much as my head repeated Charlie is my friend, my heart didn’t get the message and even just picturing his open, happy smile and warm brown eyes made it skip a beat.

I flipped Charlie’s note over and fished a pen out of my purse. I could have texted him, but it seemed notes were our thing, and I wanted to keep up tradition.

I gave the note a kiss, leaving a light imprint of my shiny lip gloss, then took it across the street to Charlie’s doorstep. I leaned my head against his door for a beat. Even though I knew he wasn’t in there, I felt closer to him just standing outside his place.

Yeah, this was a problem.