There’s rock bottom, and then there’s even lower than rock bottom. I found a way to hit even lower than lower than rock bottom.

As I walk up the front steps to my parents’ home, empty-handed and with a shattered heart, I try to make sense of how I got here to begin with.

I let a man into my life when I knew right from the start that there was never anything more than just physical chemistry between me and Cole. But I couldn’t stay away from him, and now, look where that got me.

I swallow hard, my chest tightening as I ring the bell to my parents’ front door. My father answers the door, a newspaper in one hand and a pair of eyeglasses hanging low on his nose.

The two of us stare back at each other, neither one of us saying a word at first.

“I don’t know where else to go,” I finally say.

My father shakes his head and opens the door for me. I go to walk past him, but he puts his hand on my chest to stop me. Then, without asking or without warning, he wraps his arms around me and hugs me. Totally shocked, I hug him back.

This was not the reception I expected. It wasn’t the way we left things, when I told him I was gay and he flipped out on me. When I blocked him from my phone.

Permanently.

“You came to the right place, Gavin.”

I can feel my eyes start to well up as much as I try to resist. There's a sad look in his eyes, a look that I’ve never seen before in my own father’s eyes.

“Did I?” I say.

My father nods once. “I’m so sorry, Gav. I never meant to push you away like that. I don’t care whether you’re straight or gay or you want to marry a camel,” he says, laughing and crying suddenly at the same time.

“Then why did you get so upset at me? Why did you tell me how much I let you down when I told you ?”

He lowers and shakes his head. He rubs his forehead, and then looks me right in the eye and says, “I was terrified, Gav. I couldn’t believe that you’d been keeping a secret from me your whole life. I didn’t know how else to react. I always thought you and I were closer than that.”

“We were. But I’m not perfect, and I was too afraid to tell anybody.”

“And I’m not anybody. I’m your father, Gavin. But that doesn’t matter, I understand why you kept it from me now. I don’t blame you, and I handled it all wrong.”

As we stand in silence, the doorbell rings. I turn and look through the glass storm door.

Fucking. Kidding. Me.

It’s Cole, standing on my father’s front steps. Some timing…

I feel a lightness in my heart, even though I shouldn’t. I should shut my parents’ old wooden entry door on his face.

I look at my dad and he nods, as though he knows everything that’s happened even though he’s heard absolutely nothing about my life since the day we fought.

“I need a minute,” I say to my father.

“I know you do. I’ll be here when you get back,” he responds.

I step outside and shut the door behind me. Cole’s forehead is sprinkled with tiny beads of sweat. “You can’t keep doing this to me,” I say.

He takes a deep breath and his lips break out into the most beautiful smile I have ever seen. ”It’s funny," he says, pausing as he forms his next thought. “I don’t usually get close to people. Correction, I never let myself get close to people. But something about you is making it really hard for me to stay the same. Like,” he pauses again as he runs his hands through his hair and then steps right up to me. “Something about being with you makes me think and feel in the craziest fucking ways.”

I take a step back until I can’t go any further because of the iron railing behind me. “I’m confused, Cole,” I say.

He grabs my shirt and pulls me towards him, obviously not giving a shit about where we are or who is watching. “When I first met you, all I’d ever known was how to keep the fact that I’m gay a secret from the entire world. And I probably would’ve lived out the rest of my life like that. But now, I know I don’t ever want to go back to the old me. And you’re gonna have to put up a really, really good fight to get me to back down and go back to my old life without you. Still confused?”

I absolutely cannot stand the fact that my heart feels like it’s starting to soften.

And as much as I try to restrain myself, I can’t win against my feelings for him either.

“Are you trying to say that you love me?” I say.

He leans in to kiss me, his lips like magic on mine. “I’m saying that you make me feel things I never thought I could feel. Maybe that’s love, I wouldn’t now. I came here to ask you if you’d be willing to find out,” he says.

My mind is spinning so fast it feels like my head is going to fall off. I feel caught between wanting to give him another chance and wanting to run back into my house and hide in my closet.

I really don’t feel like getting hurt anymore,” I say.

“Look at me,” he says as he grabs both of my hands and squeezes them with his large, warm palms. “I will never… ever… hurt you.”

My eyes start to well up. “Never?” I say.

“Never.”

“And what if you do?" I ask him.

“I won’t."

I squeeze his hands and walk closer towards him, not giving a shit who sees us this close. “But what if you do?” I ask again, my voice almost at a whisper level.

Cole pulls me into his body and wraps his arms around the back of my waist. My heart feels like it’s glowing as he squeezes me in his arms. We start to kiss, softly, and I can tell that something has changed just by how tender and sweet our kiss is. “Then I’ll give you my pool basketball set,” he jokes. “No questions asked.”

I let out a soft laugh, but inside I’m beaming. There’s a small part of my brain that’s telling me not to move forward with this man, but my heart and my body are screaming at me to let myself go as deeply as this relationship will allow.

Little did I know just how much depth there was to Cole and me.