Sitting across from Cade in a booth was strange. Not only was he alive, but in my wildest imagination, I would never have pictured this. A random diner in Bakersville with a man that had been on my mind for the last few years. A man who had just kissed me senseless in an office in my hometown, and admitted that he’d thought of me often when we'd worked together. Not just thought about, but according to him, had been attracted to.

My reality had shifted so much over the last few hours that I knew this was a moment in my life that I would never forget. My crush on him aside, even if we hadn’t ever been attracted to each other, this was a bizarre turn of events.

I watched him as he read through the menu that I was already more than familiar with. Knowing what I wanted as soon as we walked in, gave me a chance to study him. How many times had I seen him without noticing that his left ear had a hole for an earring? How many times had I walked by him, worked with him, glanced at him without knowing that he had a small scar near his temple that peeked out from his hairline?

Gazing at him like this was probably rude, but I couldn’t help it. I’d only seen him in dress shirts and suits over the years. Never in a t-shirt and jeans, looking so normal and unguarded. We'd shared a few laughs, some flirting, as much as a work environment would allow, but never a meal or a moment that would be fixed so permanently in my mind.

And he was alive. Alive and not buried in a Lakefield cemetery. One that I’d visited a few times over the months, unsure of how to let go of him.

In retrospect, it might have made me look like a fool if anyone had observed me. But standing there over his tombstone had given me something to cling to. Some remaining tangible thing that reminded me every time that he’d existed, that he hadn’t been a dream. It'd been comforting in a way, and yet desperately clingy, if it was possible to be that way with a dead man.

Yet he wasn’t dead. He was sitting in front of me flipping the laminated menu over and frowning at the diner’s poor selection of healthy food.

The lighting was harsh, the parking lot littered with trash and debris. The employees dressed in uniforms the same yellow color of the tabletops. The patrons, a mix of late night partiers and truck drivers, with the exception of what appeared to be early morning risers.

What strange event in the world had brought the two of us together in this moment? The exact time in my life when I needed him the most, needed to see his frowning face across from me.

The thought that I needed him brought me up short. Was it that, or was it just that I’d missed him? For that matter, did I even really know him? Maybe the only reason that I’d found him interesting was that he’d given me a job that I was grateful for. Or that he seemed so clean. Not innocent, but more like he was one of the few people that I’d worked for that put in as much time as he asked from his employees. He did it with what seemed like a high ethical standard. In some fleeting moments, he even seemed honorable.

The cheap fabricated table in front of us was likely cleaner than my past. It wasn’t that I thought he was untouched by life; he was too rough around the edges at times to ever think that. It was more of a feeling that he’d probably done things either out of a sense of duty or loyalty. Not like me, who had done things in desperation, clawed my way up out of multiple shithole experiences, and frequently made decisions that put me right back in the same hell holes.

It was like I couldn’t move past something. Some barrier kept me circling in the same direction but never the right one. And now I wasn’t sure if he was the right direction either.

His eyes flicked up and met mine as he put the menu down. They held, regarding me deeply, like he could tell what I was thinking without having to ask. Something in his eyes made me nervous and yet hopeful. Was this real?

“Were you going to stare at me all night or help me out?” he smirked.

“They have yogurt,” I blurted out. I shook my head, trying to get a hold of my idiotic brain to mouth malfunction. “I mean, if you’re looking for something healthy. Paired with some fruit, and you have a small meal.”

His face scrunched for a second. It was the only way I would describe it. Not annoyed, but maybe half amused and resigned at the same time.

“Hmm,” he said, narrowing his eyes at me. “Maybe pancakes wouldn’t be so bad.”

I smiled then chuckled. “They’re terrible for you. Massive sugar rush from the syrup. And if you put peanut butter on them it’s like eating a Snickers.”

He blinked at me. “Peanut butter? Is this a thing?”

I shrugged and stared down at my hands on the table. “Just something my dad did sometimes when I was a kid. My mom hated it, I'd run around the house like a wild animal for about an hour, then pass out for a nap when I came down from the rush. The problem was, for that one hour, I was like a raving lunatic.”

Glancing up at him, he appeared to be amused. “Remind me to feed that to every single child that the guys ever produce. Revenge is sweet. Would serve them right for all the wild shit they’ve put me through.”

My smile slid just a little. “Yeah, if they don’t kill you for playing dead. I think you might owe them one on this.”

He shook his head and looked through the window beside our table. “Believe me, they probably deserve far worse than a riled-up kid running around the house.”

The silence stretched between us while I waited on him to continue. His face seemed to tense for a moment, then it was gone.

“How well do you know the guys?” he asked, sliding his gaze back to mine.

“Uhm, mainly just from the girls, and waiting on your table for those once a month lunches at Muse. Not much in terms of being close to them. I guess I know Logan the most. He’s always talkative and gives good advice.”

He nodded. “They’re a bunch of pranksters at heart. But they’ve all had some serious issues at one point or another, even Logan. I would say I’ve been the closest to Holden over the years since we were both in the Marines. Something about going through that particular branch and seeing as much combat as we did changes a person fundamentally. Not that the other guys didn’t see their fair share, especially Logan.”

“Do you regret it?”

He gave my question some thought for a moment. “I’m not sure you can regret something that was your life from the moment you were born. The question is, did I have a choice and if so, why did I choose one path over another?”

“You weren’t a Marine when you were born, though.”

“True, but I lived in a house with a man who was. So, the choice to be one or not wasn’t really a choice, when you have it rammed down your throat every day since the moment you can walk.”

“So again, do you regret it?”

He shook his head. “Never. It gave me direction, purpose and a family that made far more sense than the one I left at home when I joined.”

Opening my mouth to ask another question, I was interrupted by the waitress that came to our table.

“So, have you decided on anything?” the older woman asked. She appeared tired, and a lot like my mom did, after getting home from a long shift working the same type of diners for most of her life.

“Pancakes for two. Side of peanut butter and six bacon strips,” Cade answered.

She wrote everything down as I grinned at Cade. “You’ll never get to sleep if you’re going to try it.”

He shrugged, ordered a water for both of us and the waitress left.

“You’ve peaked my curiosity. Speaking of which, what made you move to Lakefield from this place? Seems like a pretty big change.”

I squirmed for a moment and debated whether I should excuse myself to go to the bathroom in order to stall. But it was a fair question given the one I’d just been about to ask him.

“Eh, it’s a sordid tale.”

He continued to stare at me, without any change to his expression. Our waters were delivered, and I took a sip of mine while enduring his scrutiny.

Sighing, I decided to answer. “I moved because of my fiancé at the time. We broke it off, and I stayed since I liked it there and didn’t want to go home.”

“And?”

“And that’s it. I was young and ran off with my boyfriend.”

“That’s not everything. Especially if it’s a sordid tale. I’ll find out eventually, you might as well tell me.”

Giving him a small frown, I continued but couldn’t meet his eyes as I explained. Looking at anything but his face, I answered, “He cheated on me while I was pregnant and rather than face my father who told me he was an asshole in the first place, I stayed in Lakefield.”

Cade frowned. “You have a kid?”

“No. I lost the baby. I’m not really sure what happened, but it was in the first couple of months.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, as my eyes swung back to him. He genuinely looked as if he was.

“Me too. But that was years ago. If we’re the sum product in this moment of our past experiences, then I don’t regret a single thing that happened. I may not have been able to say that last year or even the year before, but I’ve come to realize in the last few months that the things that drag you down the most are sometimes not so bad in the long run.”

“You sound like Kate,” he chuckled. “She seems to have the same philosophy.”

“Probably. And she might have even said it before to me. But she’s right if that’s the case.”

We were both silent for a moment and I wondered what he thought about me. He was likely used to dealing with women that didn’t have emotional baggage like that in their pasts.

“Can you still have kids?”

I nodded as our food got to the table. “As far as I know. But that whole thing happened, and I haven’t thought about it since then. Well, that’s not true, I’ve thought about it. I’m just determined not to dwell on it. At the time it was pretty devastating.”

“The guy was a dick,” he growled. “Did you love him?”

I blinked at his tone. He sounded pissed off about the thought that I might have. His eyes bored into me as if the answer might make him even angrier.

Carefully, I said, “When you’re young, you make a lot of mistakes. I think I was looking for someone to fulfill some fantasy, of what I thought I wanted in life.”

“That’s not really an answer.”

“I thought I was at the time. I—”

“Fucker didn’t deserve you.”

“You’re right, he didn’t. No argument there.”

He sighed. “Was he at least upset about the baby?”

“Uhm…” I stalled, not really knowing how much he really wanted to hear about this. “I lost the baby the same day I caught him cheating. So, no. It was years ago, though, and I’m more interested in these pancakes.”

“Conversation isn’t over, pretty girl, but I’ll let it go for now.”

Sighing, I nodded. I had no doubt that we would be talking about it again sometime, but for now we didn’t have to drag it out in the open and hash through it. It was the past, it deserved to stay there.

He eyed the pancakes, then gave me a funny look while wiggling his eyebrows. “I’m going in.”

Watching him spread the peanut butter on then dousing the stack of pancakes with syrup was funny. Suppressing the urge to laugh, I prepped mine the same way. When neither of us took a bite, we gave each other a look, and dove in at the same time.

I chewed, as I watched his expression change from shock, to one of surprised enjoyment.

“You’re right, that shit is just like a Snickers bar. I can feel my arteries curling up into the fetal position and crying for mercy.”

I burst out laughing, and promptly clamped a hand over my mouth when some of the other customers glanced over at me. Cade stared at me, amused as he chewed on some bacon.

When my laughter finally faded I shook my head. “Jesus, that was hilarious. And you’re eating bacon. I doubt the pancakes are the only thing that are making your arteries scream.”

He laughed, a low rumble that wasn’t nearly as loud as mine. “If I’m going to blow my healthy living, might as well really overdo it all at once.”

“So…” I started to say, before his hand reached across the table to wipe something from the corner of my mouth.

He smiled. “Little bit of syrup.”

“Oh. Uhm,” I said, while I stared at him. Temporarily distracted, I tried to think about what I was going to ask. “So, why do you say the military was better than the family you left?”

He took another bite of bacon and glanced through the window. I couldn’t tell whether he was stalling, but the look in his eyes hardened for a minute. When he turned back to me, still chewing, he didn’t seem any more eager to answer.

“You don’t have to answer,” I said, trying to diffuse that rather personal question. I wasn’t sure why I wanted to know. But it seemed like if we were sitting in a diner in the middle of nowhere discussing our lives, then it was fair to ask given his statement earlier.

“I don’t drink if you haven’t noticed.”

My eyes had been solidly on the plate in front of me until he said that. Glancing up, I shook my head.

“Well, I did. Eh, start over. My parents were alcoholics.”

“Okay.”

He shrugged. “So, I didn’t have the best childhood. Some neglect, some abuse, alcohol thrown into the mix, and it wasn’t the place I wanted to be. And since my parents thought it was okay to intoxicate their kid, and later on just didn’t care when I developed a taste for it, I became an alcoholic too. Genetics at its finest. But there was a lot of abusive conditioning that sort of led to that inevitable fucking conclusion.”

“But you don’t drink anymore?” I asked tentatively.

“No. Haven’t had a drop since,” he thought for a moment. “Jesus. In years. Not since the military anyway.”

I tilted my head, considering his answer. “But you work around alcohol all the time. In bars and clubs. Isn’t that kind of hard?”

He nodded. “Every damn day. But I’m good at it. I don’t frequently sub as a bartender. Only if I’m honestly forced to due to lack of employees like tonight.”

“Fuck,” I responded, unsure of how he managed to control it.

“I would rather be doing that with you right now, if you’re asking,” he said, with a mischievous look in his eye.

I rolled my eyes. “I just don’t know how you do it.”

“Discipline. I find other things to be addicted to. Like the gym, and healthy eating. Although, I might have found a new addiction.”

“Please don’t tell me it’s the pancakes. Your healthy eating being ruined over pancakes, will be my fault, and I can’t live with the guilt.”

He laughed, flashing a wide smile at me. “Yeah, no. This was my one and only walk on the wild side for a long time. I’m swearing off Snickers pancakes for life.”

“Chili cheese fries?”

He grinned. “Maybe next year I’ll have some, but they’ve got to be really, really good if I’m going to break my rules.”

“So, what have you found to be addicted to now?”

“You.”

A tingling sensation started in my belly and spread like wildfire. It was the most surreal experience. Cade, addicted to me. It was quite a rush.