CHAPTER 10
Peter won't recline his chair. Instead he sits there in the passenger seat with his eyes mostly closed. I can tell they're still open because his lashes flutter every now and then when he blinks. It's well into the second day and the sun is setting. I'm so tired, and I know Peter is exhausted since he won't sleep with the turkey behind his head.
"It won't bite you."
Peter keeps his eyes sort of closed with his arms over his chest when he answers. "That's very comforting, but I'd rather not risk it."
"I'm starting to think you have a bird phobia." The corner of Peter's mouth twitches like he wants to laugh, but he swallows it back down. The turkey shifts in the backseat and settles down again. Peter's eyes open until the animal stops moving. "Did Big Bird give you nightmares or something?"
"Or something," he says and closes his eyes when the bird stills.
What the hell does that mean? I glance over at Peter. The dashboard casts a soft glow on him and showcases the definition in his beautifully sculpted arms and face. The pit of my stomach fills with regret, and I have no idea how to get rid of it. I decide to press him a little bit, but I doubt that he'll answer. "So what made you decide to be an English teacher?"
Peter lifts his head and glances at me out of the corner of his eye like it's a stupid question. "I like to read."
"Wow, what a wonderfully profound and elaborate answer. Thank you for shedding light on that decision. I think I'll be a teacher when I graduate so I can be like you. You changed my life." I'm teasing him, and right up until that last point my words feel light and playful, but those last four words are real. I don't realize it until they tumble out of my mouth and fill the air like lumps of lead.
Peter watches me lazily from under dark lashes and shakes his head. "Nice, Sidney, real nice."
"We've been sitting next to each other for two days and you've hardly said anything."
"Neither have you. The only time you talked to me like this was when we were getting your passenger back there." Peter jabs his thumb behind us.
Awkwardness creeps up my spine. It feels like there's a hand on my jaw, forcing it open and making me speak. "I don't know how to talk to you anymore."
Peter straightens a little. "You realize what you've done, right?" I glance at him quickly and wonder where he's going with this. "Unbelievable. You don't know, do you?"
"Then educate me, teacher-man. Tell me what I did that was so hideously wrong." My hands grip the wheel tighter. This is why we haven't spoken in two days. It's because every time I open my mouth, we fight, and I'm sick of fighting.
"You turned on me. As soon as I told you my name, you acted like one of them." Peter stares straight ahead and works his jaw. I know he wants to say more, but he doesn't.
I keep my eyes on the dark road, watching the dotted white lines zoom by. "I did not. You didn't lie to them, whoever them is."
Peter cringes. "Nice grammar."
"Fuck you, Ferro. You lied to me, like majorly lied to me. You pretended to be somebody else from day one and never clued me in until you had to."
"That's not true."
"Psh, right. If my brother didn't show up with Dean, you wouldn't have told me at all. I would have found out and felt just as stupid and used later when some reporter figured out who you are. After everything that happened between us—" I press my lips shut and lock my jaw. Stop talking. I know I'm going to say things that I shouldn't say, things that I'll regret.
Peter sighs and tips his head back against the seat. "I would have told you, Sidney. I wanted to tell you, but it's not easy to talk about. You out of all people should realize that."
"Yeah, I do. I get it, but the thing is, I told you what happened to me. I told you all of it. You only told me half. If you don't trust me—"
"That's not it."
"Then what is it? Oh my God, say something! You just sit there brooding all day like a disgruntled supermodel. What the hell is wrong with you? Just say whatever it is you have to say!" I'm so mad at him. I haven't spilled my guts to anyone the way I did with him, and Peter held back. I can't stand it. I can't tolerate the notion that he knew me inside out and I don't even know his goddamn name.
"I can't, Sidney! I just can't!" He's yelling now, his hands flying like they don't know where to go. "I screwed up, I know that. Nothing I say will fix it. Nothing I do will show you how sorry I am. I lost you, but you're sitting right next to me!" He grips the dashboard and turns to look at me. "You've destroyed me. I thought I could handle this, I thought I could—"
Peter's rant gets cut off. He glances behind us at the same time flashing lights do the disco in my rearview mirror. Peter glances at me and slides down into his seat with his hand over his face. "Shit. How fast were you going?"
I cut him an evil look as I pull over. I have no idea. I want to scream and punch. There are a million emotions that are fighting to break free inside of me. I lock my jaw as I stop the car and pull over on the grass at the side of the road. I put down the window and sit there with my hands on the top of the steering wheel where the cop can see them.
He takes his time walking over. It's a state trooper. He's an older guy, skinny with weathered skin and angular features. He leans in and looks into the car. "License and registration please…" The man blinks like his eyes are broken and then tips the end of his pen at the backseat. "What are you two doing with that animal?"
Oh my God. I forgot about the bird. "Taking it to the vet. He's hurt."
The man looks at me like I'm crazy. Then his gaze shifts to Peter. "Sir, what are you doing with that bird?"
"What she said. It can't fly and was wandering back and forth on the interstate. My friend didn't want it to become roadkill."
The officer gives me a strange look as I hand him my cards. He looks at them and says, "Not many people would save a bird like that, Ms. Colleli."
"I know. They would have asked for a fork and eaten it."
The trooper's face scrunches together and he leans forward. He looks at the bird again. "No one eats those things. They're living garbage bins for roadkill."
"What do you mean? It's a turkey."
The man straightens and laughs, like big loud belly laugh. Peter glances at the bird and then back at me. He shrugs. The trooper is still smiling when he bends over again. "That's a vulture, a turkey vulture." He tries not to smile, but I can tell he wants to. "Can you tell me why he's wearing a bra, miss?"
"My friend is afraid of birds and I didn't have anything else to tie him up with."
The man's eyebrows lift up to his hat. He addresses Peter. "Is that true, sir?"
"Yes." Peter gives me a look. The officer's eyes narrow as he looks at Peter. "What's your name, son?"
Peter leans back into his seat like he doesn't care. "Dr. Peter Granz."
The man continues to stare like he's trying to place Peter's face. "And you didn't know what type of animal this was, a man with your level of education?"
"I can't really dissuade this woman from doing something once her mind is set on it."
The officer glances at me and then back at Peter. "Well, I know what you mean." He's quiet again and then he flinches like someone splashed water on his face. Recognition grows with his smile. "You highly resemble someone—you're Pete Ferro, aren't you?" Peter smiles and nods. "Well, why didn't you tell me that?" The state trooper continues to talk, and I sit there and listen. Peter is clearly uncomfortable with the attention, but he smiles all the same. He talks with the man, the same way he would with anyone else. It's clear that the cop is a little starstruck.
When the cop finally is ready to leave us, I'm handed a warning and told to slow down. "Make sure she does it, Mr. Ferro."
Peter smiles and waves. "I will."
I put the car in gear and pull out, accelerating slowly. Peter slouches back down into the seat and presses his thumbs to his temples. I look at him out of the corner of my eye and say, "So I totally forgot about the turkey."
Peter glances up at me. There are dark circles under his eyes. His expression is worn, beaten, and totally stressed out—but when he looks up at me he smirks, then the smirk turns to a smile, and he laughs. "You rescued a vulture."
Peter starts laughing and I can't stay silent. Giggles erupt inside of me. I'm too tired and too stressed and this seems so funny.
"And you put him in a pink bra." I can barely get the words out. Tears blur my vision and my stomach hurts by the time I stop laughing. "God, he had to think we were nuts."
"He thought you were nuts, Colleli, not me."
"Do people always act like that around you?"
"What? Fake?" I nod. It was like the officer morphed into a shiny version of himself. His words were excited and filled with flattery. It was like an instant wall and there was no way it could come down once it shot up. "Yeah, most of the time. I did the scruffy look when I was younger. That's how most people remember me. If I stay cleaned up, I might look like a Ferro, but they don't usually ask me outright like that."
I nod, thinking. Glancing over at him, I say, "You don't trust anyone either, do you?" Peter is back in his defensive I-don't-care pose with his arms across his chest. It's a shut down, fuck-off stance.
"Not so much, no."
The laughter is gone. It's been sucked from the car and in its place is this empty, hopeless feeling. Keeping my eyes on the road, I start to ponder out loud. "We're so messed up, Peter, and it's not fair. But life's not fair, is it? There are no do-overs no matter how much you wish for them."
Peter watches me in the darkness. I can feel his eyes on the side of my face even though I don't turn to look at him. "Keep going forward, Sidney. Looking at the past only drags you back into it."
"Yeah, but you can't learn from it if you don't look back."
"You've learned everything you need to know."
I smirk at him. "No, I haven't. How could you think that? I made a mistake with Dean and I did the same damn thing with you. I can't judge character, like at all. I was totally wrong about both of you."
My words hit Peter hard. I might as well have swung a crowbar into his stomach. He doesn't look at me. "That's what you think, that we're the same?"
"It's the same deception at the heart of it, isn't it?" I'm seriously asking, because the hard part of my mind says yes, but there's a spot with a softer voice that says Peter is not the same at all.
"Maybe. A lie is a lie." Peter stiffens and shuts down.
I wish I hadn't said it. "Maybe. Maybe not. Why'd you do it?"
Peter's gaze cuts to me. It's so sharp, so bitter, that I want to look away. "I didn't want you to know. You're right, okay? We both lied to you, we both took things we shouldn't have, and neither of us is sorry for it."
I blink slowly like he didn't just say that. I can't breathe. It's like his words were a fist that shot straight into my stomach. There's an exit right in front of me. I nearly pass it, and decide to get off at the last second. Peter doesn't say anything when I change lanes abruptly.
We stop in front of a motel and I pull up under the overhang. Fuck this. I wish I left Peter in Texas. I kick open my door and go inside and get us a room. Peter doesn't follow.
When I come back out with the room key, I see him shake his head and end a phone call. He runs his fingers through his dark hair and looks back at Mr. Turkey. I slip into the car and look back at the bird. "You untied him, sort of." The bird is still wearing the bra, but his beak is free.
"Yeah, he wanted to talk."
I stare at Peter for a moment, wondering what could possibly be going through his head, why he's here, and what he wants from me. "Why did you insist on coming with me?"
Peter looks at me like he's tired of the question. "I already told you."
"Saying you already know isn't a reason. Tell me. Just say it."
Peter shakes his head and smiles. "Fine. You want to do everything on your own, but you can't. When you're around that guy, Dean, it's like your brain shuts down. You get sucked into your past before you can blink. I read your poem, I see it on your face, and I know what'll happen if he gets you alone. He's not getting you alone." Peter's gaze locks onto mine as his words burn with intensity. I need to swallow, but I can't.
"You're all about the chivalry." I used to tease him about that, but now I'm not.
"Something like that."
My heart is in my throat. We stare at each other for too long and our gazes melt together. Neither of us can look away. It's like we're both lost, drifting aimlessly, getting torched by life and everything that's happened to us. When my pulse is slamming in my ears like twin drums, I look away. It feels like there's a rubber band on my head and it pulls me back, but I refuse to turn.
I park the car. When Peter turns and gets out, I follow him into the motel room. There's a small double bed, no shag rug, no kinky sexy tub. It's just a plain old motel room.