Maddie and I were walking back to my room after dinner when she suddenly stopped on the top stair. Stopping in my tracks, I looked at her sideways. “What’s wrong?”
Instead of answering, she called out, “Alessio.”
My head snapped in the opposite direction, and I saw Alessio’s back to us. He was walking toward his office. At the sound of Maddie’s voice, he turned around, his eyebrows furrowed in question.
“What is it?” he mumbled, approaching us.
Maddie dragged me up the last step and stopped in front of Alessio. “I was thinking of taking Ayla out shopping tomorrow. She’s been living with us for some time now and doesn’t have any clothes except for her maid dresses and the one outfit Mum got her on the first day.”
Shopping? Shocked, I stared at Maddie. She didn’t tell me anything about this.
From the corner of my eyes, I saw Alessio looking at me. I glanced up, and our eyes met. Licking my lips nervously, I played with the hem of my dress as his penetrating gaze sent a shiver down my body.
“Of course. You can take her,” Alessio said, keeping his blue eyes on me. “But why are you asking me?” he questioned, now looking at Maddie suspiciously.
Maddie rolled her eyes. Letting out a huff of annoyance, she crossed her arms over her chest. “I’m not asking you, I’m telling you. There’s a difference. I’m just letting you know so you don’t go batshit crazy and start panicking when you don’t see Ayla.”
I didn’t pay attention to Maddie’s words because my mind was still trying to register what Alessio said.
I was allowed to go out. Alessio was letting me go out. I stared at Alessio, speechless, my body trembling slightly.
I was never allowed to leave my father’s estate, not even a step outside of the gates. The furthest I had ever gone was to our back garden. I wasn’t allowed to roam free. Ever. All my days and nights were spent locked in my room or the piano room. I didn’t know much about the outside world.
But now, I could go see the world.
I could go shopping…something I never had a chance to do. Alberto was the one who chose all my clothing. I just had to wear what he gave me, a doll he liked to dress and own.
Alessio and Maddie were talking, but their voices sounded like they were coming from under water. I could only focus on Alessio’s face. He was slowly giving me things I had lost. Alessio was giving me back my life.
Freedom. I was finally truly free.
The one thing I had always wanted, hoped, and prayed for every night as I cried myself to sleep, my soul breaking. After every torturous night, that was what I dreamed of.
Alessio eyes were on me again. I saw his forehead crease in worry. “Ayla?”
I snapped out of my daze and then nodded my head. “Yeah?”
“Are you okay with going shopping tomorrow?” he asked softly.
I nodded again, but this time my lips stretched in a smile. “Yup.”
“Good.” He gave me a small smile, then turned around and walked away. Swiveling around, I grabbed Maddie’s hands, excitement coursing through my body until I vibrated with it.
“I can go shopping?” I asked, staring into her eyes, my heart feeling hopeful.
“Of course, babe. Why not? You desperately need clothes.” She laughed.
We resumed our walk to my bedroom. I was giddy, like a child getting a new toy for the first time. “When are we going?”
“Maybe after lunch? Tomorrow?” she suggested.
“That sounds good. I can’t wait,” I muttered, closing the door behind us.
Maddie jumped on the bed and took the remote in her hand. “So? What movie?”
I shrugged and joined her on the bed. Propping myself on the pillow, I looked at the TV as she searched for some movies. “I don’t know. Maybe something funny.” I paused and then looked at Maddie from the corner on my eyes. “And romantic?” I finished.
She laughed. “Gotcha, babe. The Notebook it is.”
“The Notebook?” I questioned as she started the movie.
“Get your tissues ready, Ayla. You’re going to love this.”
***
I woke up from a kiss behind my ear. The ticklish feeling brought me back from my deep slumber, and I let out a yawn. I moaned, stretching out as the sunlight shone brightly behind my closed eyes. I could feel its warmth bathing my face, and I smiled.
My eyes opened, only to see Alessio sitting next to me. He was already dressed in his suit, his hair a little wet with a few strands sticking to his forehead.
“Good morning,” he murmured, gently moving my hair from my face.
“Good morning,” I whispered back sleepily.
“I’ll see you at breakfast,” Alessio said as he got up. Nodding, I watched him smile before he left the room. When the door closed behind him, I turned around and burrowed further into my pillow.
Today was the day. I was going shopping.
Letting out a small, excited laugh, I got up and went to the bathroom. After freshening up, I changed into my black maid dress. Instead of braiding my hair like I usually did, I left it down. It fell in small waves behind my back, just the way Alessio loved it.
My smile dropped when I caught sight of my scars in the mirror. Swallowing hard, I looked down at my arms and traced the pink lines with my fingers. I thought of Alberto.
Slowly, I lost the little hope that was blooming in my chest. My heart clenched.
I couldn’t go shopping.
That wasn’t possible. Not when Alberto was still looking for me. If I went out, his men would find me and I would be taken back to the hell I had been in. I would have to live my nightmare again.
I didn’t think I was strong enough to go through it again. After finding such happiness, if I had to go back, this time…I wouldn’t make it out alive.
I had just found my heart; I wasn’t ready to lose it.
Taking several deep breaths, I tried to calm the panic rising inside of me. I placed a hand over my chest and controlled my breathing like Sam taught me.
The world eventually stopped twirling, and my vision wasn’t blurry anymore. With a shake of my head, I walked out of the bathroom and Alessio’s room, closing the door behind me.
How was I going to explain this to Maddie? She was really excited to go shopping with me.
She had everything planned: the shopping and even going as far as making plans to watch a movie afterward and then having dinner before returning home.
I felt guilty, knowing I had to ruin her little happy moment.
After serving lunch, I quickly made an excuse about not feeling okay, hoping it would come across as natural.
“I think I’m going to lay down. I don’t feel so good,” I said quietly beside Maddie.
She glanced at me, and her lips twisted sadly. “Okay. Go take a break,” she replied before turning back to the table.
I felt Alessio’s eyes on my back as I headed upstairs, but I didn’t look back. In my room, I fell on my bed with my face buried in my pillow, feeling completely emotionally and physically drained.
Both of my lives kept intersecting. My past and my present. There was no leaving the past behind.
When I heard Maddie’s voice, I quickly sat up. “Ayla, it’s me. Can I come in?”
Pressing a trembling hand over my forehead, I shook with tension. I swallowed hard against the ball of nervousness and stood up, taking careful steps toward the door.
Think. Think, Ayla. Think of something.
“I’m coming,” I called out in a trembling voice.
I rested a hand on the doorknob and held my stomach with the other, biting on my lips as my shoulders strained with the tension. Opening the door, I gave Maddie a forced smile.
“Hey, are you okay?” she asked worriedly, pushing the door wider to step inside.
“No. I don’t feel so good. I have a headache, and my stomach hurts a little,” I mumbled, holding my stomach as I leaned against the wall.
Maddie gave me a pitied look before nodding sadly. “It’s that time of the month, isn’t it? I know it’s a pain in the ass. Or vagina, I should say.”
I nodded back. At least that was true, so it worked with my fabricated lie.
“We can go shopping another time. No worries. We can shop online today, if you want,” she suggested.
“Okay,” I replied with a smile. That sounded better, even though I didn’t know we could shop online. How much did I actually miss while living with my father and Alberto?
“I’ll be right back. Let me get my laptop.” Maddie left the room quickly.
I walked back to my bed and sat down. Rubbing my hands over the satin comforter, I found the softness calming. Closing my eyes, I tried to get rid of the negative, painful thoughts. I needed to stop thinking about the past.
“I’m back!” Maddie announced as she came back into the room. “Okay. Let’s shop!” She placed the laptop between us.
I couldn’t help but laugh at her enthusiasm. She knew how to make a situation lighter. Most importantly, she knew how to make me laugh, and that was exactly what I needed.
We shopped for a while. Okay, it was definitely hours. Maddie was a beast at shopping. She was definitely possessed. “Shop till you drop,” she muttered, finally shutting her laptop.
“How much was that? You paid for me,” I asked quickly. Maddie shrugged and turned on her side to look at me.
“It’s okay. You can use your salary the next time we go shopping.”
“But how much was that? We bought a lot, Maddie. And that blue dress was expensive,” I argued.
“I don’t know. It was two thousand something,” she mumbled under her breath. “And before you start, I have the money. I might be a maid,” she stressed the word maid while rolling her eyes, “but Alessio pays me a lot. Allowance and all.”
“Sister benefits?”
She nodded with a laugh. “Damn, that makes me sound like a horrible person.”
“No. He loves you like a sister and Lena like a mother. It’s very obvious. I’m sure the other men feel the same way,” I said, lying down on my back beside Maddie. They all respected Maddie and Lena.
The bonding of this family always left me speechless. They were the true definition of family. Not by blood, but by choice. Something I never had with my own blood, but with the Ivanshovs, I found a family.
Maddie and I were both silent for some time, both staring at the ceiling, lost in our thoughts. When she finally broke the silence, it wasn’t something I ever expected her to say.
“Ayla?”
“Hmm…yeah?”
“I’m weird, aren’t I?”
At the question, I grew confused. Turning on my side, I pushed myself on my elbows, facing her as she continued to stare at the ceiling.
“No. Not at all. Why are you asking this?” I questioned.
“They always say that I’m weird. I should be more mature and blah blah blah.”
“Who says that? That’s horrible.” I was outraged at the thought. She was the sweetest person I knew.
“My friends,” she quoted again, still staring at the ceilings. “I don’t have a lot of friends. I lost a lot of them over the years.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, my heart growing tighter at the forlorn, distant expression on her face. She was silent for a few minutes, the tension around us growing thicker, as if a dark cloud had settled over us.
“I was sick,” she admitted finally. It was a quiet admission, and I stared at her, confused.
“Sick? As in badly sick?” I questioned, moving closer to her.
Maddie nodded. “I had Hepatitis C when I was nineteen. After I was cured, I got Leukemia a year after. It’s now two years since I have been cancer free.”
Her admission left me shell shocked. I didn’t know what to say. Not once would I have guessed that she had been deathly sick.
“You know sometimes when you come close to death, you realize what you’re missing and what you have been taking for granted. And I was taking my life for granted. After I was cured, I decided that I was going to live my life as if it was my last day. I was going to be happy so that I didn’t have any regrets later on.”
She paused, a tear slipping down from the corner of her eyes. Bringing my hand up, I swiped it away. Before I could pull away, she grabbed my hand. “But when I got out of the hospital, after years of fighting to stay alive, I found that I had lost my friends. They’d moved on. I tried to get back into my life, trying to fit in again, but you just know when someone doesn’t want you anymore. That’s how I felt. Unwanted. I was unhappy.”
My fingers tightened around hers, giving her strength to continue. Her words brought tears to my eyes. I knew what it was like to feel unwanted. To feel unhappy. So I lent her a tiny bit of strength from me.
“So I left school. I always wanted a degree. Wanted to be a lawyer. That was always my plan, but I couldn’t do it anymore. I was already twenty-five, lost with no goal for my life. It felt suffocating. I felt weak and not needed. So I came back to live here with Mum and the others.”
Maddie let out a small laugh before turning on her side to face me. “I didn’t know I would find happiness here, but I did.” She shrugged before continuing. “This is my life now, but I don’t want to live it maturely. I want to live it freely.”
“I’m glad you were able to move on,” I whispered, swiping away the tears on her face. “I don’t think you’re weird. I think you’re the best.”
“Truthfully, you are my first friend in so long. That sounds pretty pathetic, doesn’t it?”
Letting out a laugh, I shook my head. “No. Because you’re my first friend, too.”
“Wow,” she whispered.
“Yeah.”
“Your turn now,” Maddie said, pointing at my chest.
“Huh?” I asked confused.
“I shared something. It’s your turn.”
I let go of her hand and laid down on my back again. Share something? What did I have to share? My truth…they were all messed up. And I couldn’t even tell her the whole truth.
But maybe some of it…
“I’m engaged,” I whispered to the ceiling.
Maddie was silent beside me. Then she sat up quickly. “Wha-what?” she sputtered.
The words tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop them. I was in a daze, my mind lost as I went back into my past. Images after images, memories after memories flashed in front of my eyes.
“He wasn’t a good man. He beat me up. I was raped—lots of times. I don’t know anything about others because he never let me go outside. He was really controlling. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I ran away, and that was how I found Alessio. I hid in his car to escape him.”
“Ayla,” Maddie gasped, her hands folding over mine.
“He said he loved me. He loved me too much. His love became his obsession.”
“That wasn’t love, Ayla,” Maddie said, her hands squeezing mine in comfort.
“I know,” I whispered. Now that I thought of it, I knew Maddie was right. Alberto never loved me. To him, I was just an item to be possessed. Not a human…not someone he loved. Alberto played a big part in my undoing. I was his obsession, and he was my downfall. My nightmare.
Now, I knew what love really meant.
Love meant soft kisses, gentle caresses, sweet words, and loving eyes.
And Alberto was none of that…
But I found it here.
“Who is he? Alessio is going to kill that little shit of a human being. God, I don’t even know what to call him. I can’t wait for Alessio to get his hands on him. He will wish he never laid eyes on you,” Maddie growled angrily, her hands tightening around mine.
When I was silent, Maddie came closer, placing a hand over my shoulder. “Ayla, does Alessio know? Did you tell him?”
I shook my head mutely, my throat closing up against my words.
“You have to tell him. He needs to know.”
“He knows that I have been raped, but I’m not ready to tell him the other things. I will, but not now. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready, but I know I have to tell him one day.”
“Ayla—”
“And you can’t tell him either. Please, Maddie,” I begged, quickly sitting up and grasping her hands in mine.
“That’s not my story to tell. You have to tell him yourself. But you can’t keep this from him for too long. In the end, you’ll only hurt him and you. Alessio needs to know.”
“I will…I will tell him. But not now.” I was delaying the truth, hoping it would buy me time. I was just trying to find the courage.
I didn’t want to lose what I had just found.
Not yet.