Yeah, I’m hurting but on goes the
mascara and lip gloss. That’s right,
I’ll be the prettiest fucking
wreck you’ve ever seen.
- Unknown
“Hey, Bethany,” Viking grumbles while sitting on the couch watching cartoons with my son. “Why’s Maverick look so much like my homeboy?”
My chest tightens at his words.
He means Nightmare, his brother. I knew I never should’ve come here; at least, not with my son. Princess has kept my secret for which I’m beyond grateful. Honestly, I never expected her to be able to keep it from her ol’ man and for this amount of time too.
Deep down I’ve been waiting for the angry pounding on my front door, but it hasn’t come. My big secret could really stir some shit up between them if Viking were to find out who Maverick belongs to. With their wedding in the works, that’s the last thing I want to do. I would never want to hurt or cause trouble between them.
The thing is, Princess doesn’t know just how much has been kept in the dark. I’ve misled my best friend, and I hate myself for it. At the time, it was all I had. I was hurt by Nightmare’s words, and I didn’t want anything to do with him after.
That’s a lie. I’ve thought of him countless times over the years. I have wanted him, every fucking piece of him, but he wouldn’t want my son—our son.
I still remember his words like they were said yesterday.
“I’m sterile and clean,” he rasps against my neck. “I told you this already, the other night when we fucked.”
I’ve been sick each morning since that first night, too. I can’t get ahold of Princess because Viking has her trapped in his room, and her mom never answered her door when I went over. I have no one to talk to about this.
My own mother would just tell me that I’m a whore and kick me out. She doesn’t have time for me; she only cares about her husband. She’s made it abundantly clear many times.
Naturally, I ran back to Nightmare. I’m scared. The doctor says I could be pregnant, but how do I say the words out loud to an outlaw? He’s a Nomad for Christ’s sake. I seriously doubt he’s the type to win a father of the year award; even I know that much.
“You’re sure?” I mutter, my breath catching, waiting for his deep voice to offer some kind of reassurance. But he doesn’t. He breaks my heart instead because I know the truth, I just have to hear him say it.
He plunges inside me deeply from behind as he grumbles, “Of course. The fuck I’m gonna do with a kid? I’m not father material, none of us are. I wouldn’t be fuckin’ you bareback like this if I was gonna knock you up. Clearly, I like my freedom.”
My eyes crest with tears because, just like I knew his words were going to sting, I also know inside that the doctor is right. I have a little life growing inside me. It was created by this man—the one taking my body right now—and he wants nothing to do with any of it.
He wants to take his pleasure and leave me with the consequences.
“Right, I’m just being paranoid or something.” I swallow as he pumps into me again. No matter how good he feels filling me, I won’t get off. He basically told me that if I were pregnant, he wouldn’t want the baby. He wouldn’t want a piece of me.
No one does. My father abused me in ways I would never wish for anyone to experience. My mother hates me; I’m a burden that she’s counting the days to be rid of. And now the father of my own child doesn’t want the one thing I’m able to offer him- life.
“Or sumthin’,” he agrees, continuing with his pursuit of pleasure.
Silent tears trail over my heated cheeks, but I don’t utter a word. He won’t know my pain, no one will. I’ll be the very thing I’ve needed my entire life. I’ll be strong.
Princess thinks I told Nightmare that I was pregnant, and he pushed me away. It’s why she hates him. She’s never said it out loud; she won’t since it’s Viking’s brother and club business. It’s not her place to tear him down for his choices, even if I am her best friend. She respects her ol’ man, and I respect her for it. Not only that, but it’s a lie. She came to that conclusion on her own, and I let her run with it.
Nightmare doesn’t have any idea that he has a kid out there. At least not with me, anyhow. Who knows if there are others out in the world. I was so damn naïve to believe him the first time we were together, and he told me he couldn’t have kids. More like he was in denial and I proved him wrong.
They can all hate me for my decisions, and that’s fine. I’ve made my choices, and I’ve lived with them every damn day of Maverick’s life. Would I go back and do it differently if I could?
Maybe, but I doubt it.
I had my reasons for keeping him a secret, and, at the time, I felt like I was doing what I had to. Time only built my confidence stronger in my decision. Nightmare never looked for me. For all I know, he never even asked about me. I was nothing, probably not even a memory.
I don’t want that in my kid’s life, someone who won’t remember him. Maverick is everything. He won’t have a life like I had. He'll be surrounded by people who love him, and will protect him.
I’m surprised to hear Night isn’t a Nomad any longer considering his freedom was so important to him after all. Things change, I suppose. I’m guessing that having Viking as the President of his own Charter most likely has a lot to do with it.
I hate lying to Viking. He's never done anything to me personally, and he takes care of my best friend. However, the safety of my child is everything, and if Nightmare wanted me dead for keeping this from him, the club wouldn’t even bat an eyelash, and Mav would be left without a mother.
I shrug, glancing to the side, and deflect, “I think he looks like his mom. Lucky kid, since I’m hot.”
Vike snorts, turning back to the show.
My reply worked…for now. But if Viking can pick him out first thing in the morning, then I may have a harder time when Mav is around people that see his father every day and have a chance to really get a good look at him.
If Princess wasn’t so damn important to me, I never would’ve come here. There’s no reason to after all. My mother doesn’t know about Maverick; she wouldn’t care, and that’s fine with me. She’s not a good person and doesn’t deserve to know my son. And wherever my father ended up, I hope it's six feet under, and he suffered.
The only one I would’ve gone out of my way to have in his life would’ve been Mona—Princess’ mom. I loved her so much; she was a great mom. She died of cancer a few years ago, so having her in Mav’s life isn’t an option.
I was too broke and struggling to make ends meet with Maverick; I wasn’t able to attend her funeral. I hated it, but I know she would’ve understood. She was just like that—always caring for and worrying about others.
She’d have been pissed at me if I’d tried to travel and then something had happened to me or the baby on the road. I said my piece to her at the time, and I still talk to her randomly. She may not really be there, but I talk to her like I believe she is.
“You’re wearing that?” My mouth falls open as Princess comes out of her room.
“Yeah, it’s hot.”
“Exactly, you’ll bake in black leather.”
“They’re shorts, I’ll be fine. Besides, the halter top doesn’t have a back to it.” She spins around, and my mouth drops open again. She’s straight up doin’ the hootchie momma thing.
“Viking!” I mutter and tilt my head toward my friend. He’ll let her out the door like this?
He glances at her, a pleased smirk taking over his lips. He’s as bad as she is.
“How do you go anywhere? Won’t he chop off guys’ heads?” Her ol’ man is nutso when it comes to jealousy, and that’s the last thing I want myself or my kid to see at a barbecue.
“They know better,” he declares, his voice confident and stern. I wouldn’t fuck with him.
She shrugs, waving it off. “They either stare at my face or look at the ground. I could be naked, and no one would comment.”
I hear a growl come from Viking’s direction.
“Jesus.” I shake my head. It’s a wonder he has any club brothers left at this rate.
“Is that what you’re wearing?” She points toward my boobs, flicking her gaze over my dress a few times and basically cringes.
“Yes.”
“Since when do you wear maxi dresses?”
“It’s one of the halfway decent things I can get away with. Regular dresses? Maverick thinks it’s hilarious to grab the skirt part and take off running. This is long enough and stretchy.”
“You look like a hobo. It’s definitely the wrong size for you.”
“Gee, thank you, assface.”
She giggles. “Come on, I have something you can borrow.”
“Uh no. I have hips, remember? Having a baby changed some things.”
She rolls her eyes and grabs my hand to drag me to her room. “In your case, it finally gave you an ass.”
I end up coming out in a different dress, surprise, surprise. This one’s a sun dress though with stretchy material. Fingers crossed my kid doesn’t flash my new ass to anyone today. I expect to see someone’s boobs at some point, it being a biker compound, but none of those body parts need to belong to myself.
After letting her screw with my hair and makeup which I bitch about the entire time, but secretly love, we’re finally ready. It helps having other people around to distract Maverick. I don’t usually have time to do anything special to my hair before work besides a quick ponytail. Mom duties overshadow hairstyles when it’s just the two of us.
I smear a healthy coat of sunscreen all over my son and grab his backpack full of Matchbox trucks and action figures. All he needs is some snacks and a little dirt to play in, and he’ll be one happy little boy.
“Ready?” Smiling, I fix his black tank top I have paired with army green camo shorts and chucks. He looks freaking adorable as usual. It pays to have a cool mom on your side.
“Ummm…yep.”
The ‘ummm’ thing drove me a little nuts at first, but the pediatrician said it’s normal for kids to pick a favorite word. Right now, Maverick’s favorite happens to be ‘Um.’ Guess it’s better than ‘mine.’
“He’ll fit in just fine with the other biker kids.” Princess shoots me a look. She knows I’m tripping out inside over seeing Nightmare after so long. Even being separated for a while, she can still read me like an open book.
I nod, we’re good. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. Fake it til you make it has been my life motto thus far. Why stop now?
“Follow behind Odin, and Viking will let the brother at the gate know you’re with us, okay?”
“All right. Just give me a sec to strap him in his seat, and we’ll be right behind you.” I look to Odin, and he gives me thumbs-up. For being raised by a badass, he doesn’t usually reflect it.
“Later kid.” He holds his fist out, and Maverick fist bumps him.
Only one morning being here and Odin’s already teaching my son to fist bump. Viking does the same, letting Mav fist bump him, too, before heading out the door, and then we’re off.
I’ve never been to Viking’s compound before. It was built after I left, and, well, I’m amazed. I was expecting it to be a crappy little building in the middle of nowhere to hold a bunch of rowdy bikers, but it’s not. Not even a little bit.
Princess’ house is on the back side of the property, so it’s really close to the actual building, but you have to drive in a sort of circle around a bunch of trees to get there. Viking did it on purpose. He wanted her close to him, but not too close, so if any shit ever went down, she wouldn’t be harmed. He can cut through the trees on foot to get to her, but vehicles and motorcycles have to drive around. It’s perfect actually.
They stop for a second to talk to the member standing at the gate, and then we all roll through, the biker nodding to each of us as we pass. He’s young, probably closer to Odin’s age. I’ve never seen him before. As we pass by slowly, I catch his name patch, Bronx. Definitely never met him; I’d remember the name.
I watch Maverick in my rearview mirror waving at the guy. Instead of acting cool and ignoring him, Bronx breaks out in a grin and waves back. I won’t lie; it brings a cheesy smile to my face. Maybe today won’t be so bad after all. Lord knows we’re about to find out.