The grass needed to be cut a week ago. But time wasn’t all that friendly to me. So shit like that got pushed back. I was half lucky to make dinner four out of the seven nights a week for myself and Sadie. And if it weren’t for her, I’d probably just eat something you’d microwave for two minutes. But with her, I actually checked the labels, the ingredients, cared about the sugar and fat in foods. Stuff I never thought I’d give a shit about.

But even then, no matter how hard I fucking tried, there were times when shit just seemed to hit the fan.

I helped Sadie set up a tea party in her room. I told her exactly what I was going to do. I would be outside with the lawnmower. That if she needed to see me she could go to her window. That if she needed anything, to come get me. That the front door was locked and not to go near the door, even if the doorbell rang.

Truthfully, I should have just set her up on the deck but she wanted to play in her room.

So that was that.

I hurried outside, got the lawnmower, the damn thing started on the first pull, and I went to work.

(“Jake, why don’t you just get a riding one? It’ll be fun.”

“Ev, we’re not buying a farm. I can push a lawnmower.”

“You know the first time you complain or the thing doesn’t start I’m going to bring this up… just for the record.”

I grab her and kiss her forehead. “Then I hope it never starts.”

She laughs and hugs me.

Right there in a hardware store, picking out a lawnmower, hugging and kissing.

Fuck yeah, our love was everywhere and anywhere. That’s how real it could be.)

I made the first line through the grass and then took my shirt off. It was sunny, warmer than it was supposed to be for the time of the year, and I didn’t mind the sun.

After the second strip, I felt myself slip away for a bit. Focusing on the lines in the yard. Not that I had anyone to impress or share with. There wouldn’t be a cold beer waiting for me when I was done. I’d have to get it myself. There wouldn’t be a beautiful woman sitting in a chair, smiling, making innuendos about the sweat on my skin.

But there was my neighbor.

I caught her out of the corner of my eye, standing on her deck, looking over at me. I avoided eye contact and for good reason.

What the fuck happened with her… the table… the picture… me grabbing her for that kiss…

That was messed up. Big time messed up.

I didn’t know what came over me. Just being alone with someone. In that moment. Seeing that picture. Feeling something like a memory. Helping her. Sensing the new beginning of her life and whatever brought her to that house to buy. Being alone. Me alone.

I growled under my breath. I felt like stopping right there and turning to tell her to go the hell back inside. To go eye hump someone else. To go stand on her front porch. Or better yet, have some friends over and use her damn dining room table that I fixed.

I went along the side of the house and wiped my brow. I saw the back of my garage and the broken window from that night. The wrench had been quite a distance down the yard. I had a pretty impressive throw.

I made the turn and went back down the yard.

And Emily was still there, still outside, still on her deck.

I stared forward. I focused on the end of the yard. We had two really big trees. One maple. One some kind of apple tree that didn’t give apples worth eating. They were tiny, sort of red, and fucking annoying to deal with.

Everly loved that tree.

I wanted it cut down but couldn’t do it now.

A feeling of dread washed over me. I figured it was Emily watching me so I ignored it. It was a strange feeling. Like my insides were shaking a little. Like a little voice was screaming at me to turn around. But I continued to ignore it.

By the time I started to turn, Sadie was just a few feet away from me.

I was shocked for a split second. Then I saw the look of terror on her face. The tears running down her cheeks. I hated that look on her. She was far too beautiful to be afraid. Not to mention I’d seen that look before…

I let the lawnmower go and it turned off.

I dropped to my knees and Sadie was right there.

“Sadie,” I said. “What’s wrong, baby?”

She was shaking.

Damn you, Jake. Why the hell did you leave her inside alone?

“The monster… it was there… I yelled… I was screaming for you…”

“Oh, baby. The lawnmower is really loud. I’m sorry I didn’t hear you.”

“I screamed so loud!” she yelled. “You weren’t there! I thought you went to visit the angels!”

I felt my heart crumble into ash.

I saved myself by reaching back for my shirt. I forced it over my head and fought it against my sweaty skin. I pulled Sadie close and hugged her. There was no talking. No explaining. No reasoning. Sadie deserved more than that. She deserved more than what I had given her.

All because I tried to cut the grass.

And Mickey had the nerve to suggest me going on a date once in a while… yeah fucking right…

I held Sadie tight. Her head rested on my shoulder. When she started to calm down I stood up. Her legs wrapped around me. She was terrified that she was going to lose me next.

I took a few deep breaths, reminding myself that I needed to be in complete control of myself to help Sadie get control of herself.

Slowly, I walked across the yard to the swing set. I crouched again, my knees popping, and made her stand in front of me.

“Why don’t you sit on the swing, baby?” I asked.

She nodded.

She jumped up on the yellow swing and clutched the chains.

I reached for her legs and pulled her, letting her go, letting her swing.

“How was the tea party?” I asked.

“Okay.”

“Just okay?”

“I know you said there’s no monster in the kitchen… but I heard a noise, Daddy. I jumped up. I thought it was Mommy coming back. From the angels. I ran from the room. Then I remembered… the kitchen. The monster…”

I gritted my teeth.

The whole angel thing was my fault. I fucked up when everything happened. What I told Sadie was…

“There’s no monster in the kitchen,” I said. “I swear to you. Sometimes houses make noises. It’s nothing. You should have stayed at your tea party.”

“But what if Mommy… if she was… Emily…”

I heard the name exit my daughter’s lips.

I did a double take.

“What?” I asked.

Sadie kicked off the swing and hurried by me.

I looked back and realized we weren’t alone anymore.

“Emily,” I said as I stood up.

“Jake,” Emily said. “Hey, Sadie.”

“Emily!” Sadie cried out and jumped at Emily.

I watched Emily hug my daughter and I wasn’t sure how it made me feel.

“Did you need something?” I asked.

“I bought these planters and I don’t like the color,” Emily said. “I was maybe hoping someone could help me paint them.”

“What?” I asked. I wiped my forehead. “You see I’m cutting grass here and you come over to ask me-”

“I was hoping Sadie could help,” Emily said.

She half smiled.

I didn’t want to admit the way it made my heart jump a little.

She was here to help. She saw everything. She knows more than I want her to know…

“I can paint?” Sadie asked.

“Yeah. The messier the better,” Emily said.

“Can I paint a unicorn?”

“Of course,” Emily said.

Sadie looked back and up at me. “Daddy?”

“Have at it,” I said.

Sadie let out a happy cry. “I’m going to go get Bo so I can paint him!”

“Sadie,” I said.

She turned and took off.

“I think she meant paint a picture of him on the planter,” Emily said. “Not actually paint the stuffed animal.”

I looked at Emily.

I felt anger. I felt grief. I felt guilt. I felt… so much.

“Jake, I know,” she said. “I’ll bring the planters over here. I’ll sit on the top step of the deck. I saw her scared and I figured it was probably because she was calling for you. I…”

“That’s exactly what it was,” I said. “Kind of crazy sometimes, you know? When you have to fucking cut the grass but can’t even do that without a situation.”

“Well, I’m here.”

Emily reached for me.

I pulled away. “You’re here? You’re the fucking savior?”

“Whoa,” Emily said. “I’m just trying to help. Pay you back for the table.”

“The table,” I growled. “Yeah, right.”

“I’m not trying to do anything more, Jake. I mean, if you ever need help with her. Going to and from the center when I’m working. I’m a good driver. No tickets. No accidents, except that one in high school when I crashed my grandmother’s car into a snow bank when I was parking and couldn’t back out of the spot. Had to call a tow tru-”

“Do you really have things for Sadie to paint or did you just make that up?”

“I would never lie to Sadie,” Emily said.

“You know what I mean.”

“Fine. I made it up. But I couldn’t stand here and watch her cry. I was getting ready to paint and I came out because I like the smell of fresh cut grass so-”

“You like the smell of fresh cut grass?” I asked.

“Yes,” she said.

Emily was intriguing. It pissed me off that she was intriguing. Because being intriguing meant being a distraction.

“It’s just refreshing,” she said. “I don’t know. But, anyway, I do have some planters that we could paint. It’s not a big deal. I don’t mind helping.”

I just stood there, unsure how to take in the situation.

“Fresh cut grass,” was all I said to Emily.

She shrugged her shoulders. “When you live through the last few years I’ve had, Jake, you learn to appreciate the little things.”

“What…”

I was going to ask her about her last few years.

Again… intrigued. She distracted me.

“Emily!” Sadie called out from the deck.

I looked at Sadie jumping, waving Bo in her left hand.

“I better get going here,” Emily said. “I can handle you being mean to me, Jake. But I don’t want Sadie being mean to me.”

She smiled and walked away.

I turned and thought about reaching for her.

I wasn’t mean to her. Was I? I was just… me. Who I had become through the last two years of all this mess.

I stepped back to the lawnmower and watched the scene unfold.

Emily saying something to Sadie. Sadie laughing. Emily walking away toward her house. The way Sadie looked at Emily…

I swallowed hard.

It wasn’t right or fair that Sadie had to endure tragedy at such a young age. But did that mean she was meant to suffer without any woman in her life? It had never really occurred to me until then. Call me selfish, whatever you want, but my heart had no interest or business in caring for any other except Sadie. Yet because of that it was Sadie who would never get the true love she deserved.

The love of a mother… by blood or by promise…

I shook my head. My mouth was suddenly dry, desperate for a drink. Not some fresh lemonade, the kind Everly used to make. I wanted whiskey. Warm, hard whiskey. The kind that made your eyes water and your throat burn. The kind that made your stomach cry. The kind that made your liver quickly get a shovel and begin to dig its own grave.

I squeezed the lever on the lawnmower and pulled the cord to fire the engine back up.

I cut the grass as Emily carried over a clear tote full of art supplies with two terra cotta planters on top.

I couldn’t remember the last time Sadie looked so happy. Probably not since I let her put makeup on me a few months ago. Except whatever the hell makeup she had used was more like a permanent marker and it took me days to get it all off. Which meant I took a little hell from Mickey at the shop.

As I rounded the back yard for what would be the second to last strip of grass needing to be cut, I stopped. I watched the way Emily was with Sadie. Caring. Delicate. Yeah, working the same angle she did at the center. She was trained to be that way. Paid to be that way. But I knew better. There was something there. Sadie didn’t look at anyone the way she looked at Emily. Except me. Except… her mother…

Emily touched Sadie’s cheek and said something. Sadie nodded. She stuck her tongue out as she painted, her tell tale sign that she was heavily concentrating.

Emily moved across the yard to her house once again.

I slowly started to push the mower again.

When Emily appeared from her house, she had two drinks with her. A beer in each hand. She paused at the top step of her deck as she looked at me. I looked at her. She lifted both bottles and shrugged her shoulders, smiling.

I gave a head nod.

She got me a drink. A cold beer. After working in the yard. Someone to share a drink with. To enjoy…

It took me another ten minutes to finish cutting the yard.

I had my beer, sat with my daughter as she finished painting her unicorn on the planter.

Emily sat across from us.

I stole a few glances at Emily, wondering what the hell was happening.

Then Sadie twisted things a little deeper.

“Daddy, when I’m done, can I plant flowers?” she asked me.

“Of course you can,” I said. “We’ll go to the flower store and pick something nice out.”

“And for Emily? Can we pick out flowers for her?”

“Sure,” I said.

“Emily, what’s your favorite color?” Sadie asked.

“Purple,” Emily said.

So was Everly’s.

“Purple, Daddy,” Sadie said. “Remember that.”

I touched my forehead. “Got it.”

“Daddy, can Emily come over for dinner? The three of us. Not you two. Not a date.”

“What? Who told you…”

“Mickey said you need a date,” Sadie said.

I growled under my breath.

Goddamn you, Mick.

I looked at Emily. “Sorry. Mickey is the guy that owns the garage… he has a big mouth…”

“And he smokes cigers,” Sadie said. “Daddy says they make your lungs black.”

“Oh, that’s not good,” Emily said.

“I’m not going to smoke cigers,” Sadie said. “Nope. Never.”

“You’re very smart, Sadie,” Emily said.

“So, are you going to stay here for pizza or what?” Sadie asked, so blunt.

Emily laughed.

“Sadie,” I said.

“What?” she asked with the attitude of a sixteen year old.

“Tell you what,” Emily said. She put a hand to Sadie’s. “Do you know what a rain check is?”

Sadie looked up. “Rain?”

“It means you take someone’s promise and save it for later. I would love to have pizza with you, Sadie. And your dad.” Emily looked at me. I didn’t like how it made me feel. At all. “But I can’t today or tonight. Okay?”

“Okay,” Sadie said.

“You can finish working on your painting,” I said. “I’m going to go put the lawnmower away and clean up a little.” I looked at Emily. “That okay?”

She nodded. “Fine. I promise.”

I leaned forward and kissed Sadie’s head.

I stood up.

I made it two steps and paused. I looked back.

Emily was still looking at me.

I swallowed hard. A bit of anger. A bit of grief. A lot of pride.

“Thank you,” I whispered.

Emily nodded.

We stared at each other for a couple extra seconds than were needed.

Those seconds broke my heart and changed my life.