DECKER

I’m not sure what happened the previous night. I know I hadn’t left the apartment, but my mouth felt like it was filled with sawdust and my head felt like an elephant had sat on it. I lifted my pounding melon from my pillow and took in the sight of Leah sprawled across my bed. I groaned with mortification. What the fuck had I done? I attempted another glance around the room. I was still dressed, as was Leah. This was an unusual scenario to find myself in. If Leah had stayed the night, it would be unlikely either one of us had kept our clothes on. Yet, my jeans, albeit unbuttoned at the waist, were still on. Leah’s jeans were zipped and buttoned, and her shirt was a tangled mess around the perfect curves that I knew lay beneath. Not as perfect as Andi’s, but womanly and soft, as they should be. The empty bottle of Jack Daniels on my bedside table brought back a few scattered memories. Me…drunk…again. Leah spitting mad like the enraged volcano I knew she could erupt into. Oh yeah, she had called me more than a few colorful names and reminded me what a pathetic and weak piece of scrotum I was. Yep, she had actually compared me to the skin on my sack. I laughed because I had to agree, it was a great analogy. It had been nearly three weeks since that night. Three weeks since a cab had towed my pathetic ass away from Andi’s, and I had vowed to fix things. Three weeks in which I had descended into a sniveling asshole of epic proportions. How many times I had picked up the phone and stared at it? I wanted to fix things between Andi and me so bad, but I was too damn weak to take the first step. I had been reduced to a Jack Daniels swilling, depressed scrotum sack. A voice somewhere in the back of my mind told me to just let her go; she deserved better, so much better. It was inevitable that I would fuck things up with her again, eventually. I couldn’t put her through that again. That hurt in her eyes when she had stood at the door in the back of that club and saw Melody on her knees before me. That pain that radiated from Andi had been so thick, so overwhelming, I swear I could hear her heart shatter. I had done that, I had broken her. I deserved to be miserable.

Over the pounding in my head, I recognized the distant pounding on the door to my apartment. Knowing it was most likely my mom who had I diligently tried to avoid over the past three weeks, I lay there and considered ignoring the rabid drumming. She was, if anything, determined though; I knew she wouldn’t simply walk away. I peeled my protesting body from the mattress and out of the bedroom. My feet were bare, as was my chest. The scruff on my face had grown out to resemble something like a face forest. My hair was no doubt just as untamed and feral looking. I didn’t care. Nothing mattered any more. It seemed we had come full circle. Prior to picking Andi up from the airport, I was in just as dark a place, only my heart hadn’t hurt quite so much.

“Pull your darn fists in, you’ll wake the whole damn building,” I growled as I threw open the door. A crudely landed thud on my cheek was followed with a snap of my head. I would have stumbled back if whoever had delivered the blow had put a little more effort behind it. Nevertheless, it stung like a bitch. When my watering eyes cleared, I blinked and took in the sight before me. Motherfucker! “You hit me?” I said, stunned.

“Damn straight I did. I was going to pay someone to do it for me, but I’ll be damned if I let someone else get the pleasure of beating the shit out of you,” snarled Bradley, then, he hit me again. This one packed a bit more of a wallop, and I did stumble back a step.

“Holy shit,” came a startled voice from behind me. Leah. I looked up at Bradley who had noticed the pretty porn star at my back. His eyes flared with fury, and he lunged at me again.

“She’s just a friend,” I went to say, but another punch landed on my jaw.

“Yeah, I know all about your female friends. You tried to turn my damn cousin into one of your fuck buddies.” He pinned me with his best glare; it was getting better. Bradley wasn’t known for his fury, he was better at laughing and smiling. “She’s as good as my sister and you fucked her over.”

I pressed my shoulders back and stood taller. “I did, and I deserve everything you want to dish out at me and more. So bring it on, I won’t even fight back.” Bradley looked a little bewildered, then he bitch slapped me. Oh, motherfucker, that was just embarrassing.

“It’s not as enjoyable if you just stand there and take it,” he mumbled.

“Stop hitting him. I’ve already tried it, it’s not going to work. He needs to stop being a pussy and man up and fix things. He’s miserable and I’m sick of cleaning up his half dead carcass.” Leah’s angry voice stopped Bradley’s assault.

He peered around my shoulder. “Who is this?” he asked cautiously.

“I’m Leah, Decker and I used to work together, before he quit. We also used to be fuck buddies, but we aren’t anymore because he’s in love with your cousin. Nice to meet you.” She smiled. It was a beautiful smile, but Leah was a beautiful girl. It easily drew a grin from Bradley. I mean, how could you not return such happiness? I almost smiled myself until I swiftly recalled the whole heart-torn-to-shreds and deep seated guilt I was currently rocking.

“You quit?” Bradley asked, his focus slowly returning to me.

“I did, but not before I fucked everything up.” I pulled a bag of frozen peas from the freezer and held them to my throbbing jaw. “You hit like a pansy, by the way,” I added.

“You’re the first person I’ve ever hit. You should be honored.”

“How’s Andi?” Leah asked, her tone serious.

“Miserable, exhausted, and angry; exactly how one would expect someone with a broken heart to be.” The British lilt mixed in with Bradley’s American twang sounded odd. Not bad, just...odd.

“I told you she would be miserable. You need to fix this, you damn pathetic scrotum scum!” Leah’s anger made me smile.

“So, you guys are just friends?” Bradley asked. I wasn’t sure if he was verifying things because he was curious about Leah, or if he was asking for Andi’s sake.

“We are, though if I have to clean Jack Daniels induced vomit off his bathroom floor one more time, I’m officially kicking him to the curb.”

“This is my apartment in case you forgot, you’ll be the one hitting the pavement,” I grumbled.

Bradley leaned against the counter, watching me with a steady gaze that I knew was trying to find answers that I had tried to bury deep.

“You love Andi?”

My head was pounding so hard I almost winced. My stomach was revolting against the mention of Jack Daniels and vomit, and my chest was hurting so bad I thought I might be having a heart attack.

“I have no idea what love is,” I confessed. “But, if it’s thinking about her the moment I wake up ‘til the moment I fall asleep, then I do. If it’s reading her text messages over and over again like a sappy teenage moron, then yes, I do. If it’s smiling from merely the sound of her voice, then yes, I fucking love her. Shit, I just want to be able to sit by her, hold her, cook her dinner, make her laugh, dance with her on a damn rooftop as the fucking sun sets. I want to wake up with her wrapped in my arms and kiss that beautiful sassy mouth of hers every day for the rest of my life. If that’s love, then I’m fucking diseased with it.”

Bradley and Leah stared at me as if I’d just grown a penis on my forehead. It was entirely possible, after all, I was the world’s biggest dickhead. I’d had my own version of perfection, I’d had love, and I’d lost it.

“Well, sounds like you better take a shower, shave that Izzy Pop beard you’re rocking, and fix this.” I turned to take in the smirk Bradley was sporting. “If you’re going to love my cousin, you damn well better start doing it right, or next time, I will hire someone to beat the shit out of you, and you’ll be wearing a hell of a lot more than frozen peas on a pink cheek.”

I rubbed my aching neck feeling every bit as pathetic as I no doubt looked. I’m sure holding a bag of frozen vegetables to my puke stained, scruffy face, following my girlie tantrum full of declarations of love and rooftop dancing was about as low as I could possibly get.

“Decker Rueben Steele, you’ve been ignoring my calls for three weeks now! I’ve got your favorite tea and the first season of The Bachelorette, so let me in.” Okay, now I was completely and utterly ridiculed.

Leah strolled towards the door while she looked at me from over her shoulder. “Your middle name is Rueben?”

I rolled my eyes. “Uh huh.”

“Ruby,” she murmured.

“Reuben, it’s biblical,” I growled.

Leah opened the door and graced my mom with a big smile. “Season one with Trista?” Leah exclaimed.

My mom gave Leah an awkward smile and me at what-the-hell glare. Then her eyes settled on Bradley. “Bradley?” she squealed. He engulfed her in a big hug, while peering at me with a shit eating grin.

“The Bachelorette?” he mouthed over my mom’s shoulder.

“You came, for Andi,” Mom sighed as she slowly patted Bradley on the cheek in the motherly way she embraced so effortlessly. Even with three big, smelly boys, she always remained the affectionate, cuddly mom that every boy needed.

“Andi’s tough, she doesn’t need me. I came to beat the shit out of your son.”

Mom glanced my way. “Fighting? Really?” There was little censure in her tone as she approached me and pulled the bag of peas away. Maybe she thought I deserved it. “You’re lucky it was just Bradley hitting you and not one of your brothers. They might have really done some damage.” She gently tapped my cheek. “I’m Sarah, Decker’s mom.” Mom turned to Leah, her arm outstretched.

“I’m Leah, Decker’s friend without benefits. No screwing around going on here, we are just friends. Good friends since I cleaned up his vomit.” Did she really have to bring that up again?

“You’re sick?” my mom asked, suddenly all business.

“Love sick,” snickered Bradley.

“Ohhhh, snap! That was a good one,” laughed Leah.

My headache was getting worse by the second.

“You finally going to tell me what happened?” Mom pinned me with a glare that basically said I had no choice.

I rubbed my hands over my face, wincing at the sting in my jaw. “I fucked up,” I admitted, not elaborating. Bradley had seated himself beside Leah at the kitchen table. It was as if they were both settling in to watch an episode of their favorite soap opera. Mom sighed and began cleaning away the empty bottles that cluttered the countertops.

“Wouldn’t be the first time, Decker. You’re lucky though; you’re one of the smart ones who seem to learn from their mistakes.” I threw the bag of peas back in the freezer. “Now, tell me exactly what happened and let’s work out how to fix it.”

Fix it? I laughed and shook my head. “You’re such a nurse, Mom, wanting to fix everything. This one is unfixable though.”

She passed me a glass of water and a two pain killers. Bradley and Leah were still watching with unnerving interest.

“Well, I’m the expert, so I guess I will know if it is fixable or not.” My mom was relentless. She wouldn’t give up until she realized that this situation was completely and utterly destroyed beyond repair.

“Andi and I were dating, I guess.”

Mom rolled her eyes, and Leah snorted.

“Obviously, you couldn’t take your eyes off her when you brought her to dinner.”

“You took her to meet your parents?” Bradley said, more than a little shocked.

“They were so sweet together, always sneaking looks at each other when the other wasn’t watching,” Mom sighed.

“Well, while you and Dad were planning mine and Andi’s happily ever after, I was scheduled to start filming on a new project with The Bishop.”

Bradley’s eyes darkened, Leah’s gaze turned to one of pity, and my mom? Her disappointment washed over me, leaving behind self-loathing and guilt.

“But, you had that meeting with your father.”

“And I hadn’t decided anything at that stage.” Bradley went to stand, but my mom pushed his shoulder, forcing him to sit again. “I liked Andi, I liked her a lot, but I didn’t know what it was, how serious it was. I wasn’t sure what she wanted from me or me from her. It wasn’t like I was hoping it would all turn to shit, I was just reluctant to let go of something that felt safe, something that I knew how to do and I was good at it. It was Andi or the job. I’m man enough to say I was scared at the thought of giving away the job for her. When I finally realized that being with Andi meant I was gaining something, not giving something up, it was too late. Even though I hadn’t officially pulled my name from The Bishop’s film I was done, it was just a matter of a verbal resignation. I wanted Andi, I wanted her forever, but she found out about the film. Then, to make matters worse, I went and got shit faced, ended up at the pre-screening party in town, and Fabian walked Andi straight into the back room.” I took a breath and was met with silence.

“Oh, Decker, what did you do?” Leah sighed.

“Nothing. I did nothing. I almost did something. I was drunk, I was pissed off, and I was seconds away from telling Melody to get the fuck away from me, but Andi walked in, and…” Shit it hurt remembering that moment, her face.

“She broke her hand hitting you?” my mom whispered.

I snorted. “No, but I wish she had, I deserved nothing less. She was on a date with Fabian. I don’t know the exact details, but from what I gather, Fabian and Melody had coordinated the back room event with every intention of allowing Andi to see me like that, with Melody. I figured it out, Andi figured it out, and she punched Fabian.” I smiled at the memory. “She socked him a good one.” I glanced at Bradley. “You should ask her for some tips, she hits a hell of a lot better than you.” Bradley didn’t smile though. Instead he stood and turned for the front door. My smile disappeared under his final words.

“You don’t deserve her,” he shook his head with irritation, “but for some reason she wants you. You need to think real hard, Decker, this isn’t a game or a movie, this is life, her life. If you love her, like, really love her, the shit that marriage, babies, and happily ever afters are made of, then you need to fix this. You get one chance and if you fuck up again, we’re done.” He left.

Leah gave me a pitiful attempt at a smile. She moved around the counter and gave me a chaste kiss to my cheek. “Don’t lose her, Decker, for all of us who haven’t found it, don’t throw it away.” She left.

I couldn’t look at my mom, her disappointment was the last thing I needed right now.

“I’m sorry,” I found myself murmuring. A gentle hand on my arm brought my gaze around to my mom’s. Surprisingly, her look wasn’t one of admonishment.

“I don’t think I’m the one you should be apologizing to.” I wrapped my mom in my arms. I might be a man, but every man needs a hug from his mom now and again, and right now I needed it like I needed to breathe.

“I tried, she wouldn’t listen. It’s too late.”

“You should never give up on the important things, Decker, the things you can’t live without are worth fighting for.” Mom began pulling bacon and eggs out of the fridge. “Are you familiar with the concept of groveling?”

I chuckled at her question. “I should be, I’ve watched Dad do it often enough.”

“He has perfected the art. You carry his genes, so it shouldn’t be a problem for you either. Both your brothers are pretty good at it too.” Mom poured me a glass of milk.

“So, I should buy her flowers or something.” Mom snorted. She damn well snorted at me!

“Please, Decker, nothing says I-can’t-be-bothered-trying like a bunch of flowers and a half-assed apology.” The sound of popping oil filled the kitchen as Mom began frying bacon. I thought about what I could possibly do or say to Andi that might make her see how sorry I truly was for hurting her and breaking what we had only started building.

“I could get a billboard in Times Square and put, ‘sorry, please forgive me’ on it.”

Mom actually rolled her eyes at me. “Seriously, Decker? That’s just cheesy.”

“Maybe I can go around to all the bookstores and buy any book with ‘sorry’ in its title?”

“That’s not bad, but I think you can do better.” Mom flipped the eggs, only allowing them to seal over before sliding them onto a plate and adding the bacon. She placed the food in front of me with a knife and a fork. “Does she have any dreams or fantasies?” My grin became instantly wicked. “I mean of the non-sexual variety!” she added, hitting me over the head.

I shrugged and dug into the food. Damn, how long had it been since I ate? My stomach growled with appreciation.

“Her favorite book is Alice in Wonderland. When she was a little girl, she said she always wanted to disappear down a rabbit hole into fairytale universe.” As soon as the words left my mouth an idea began to form.

“There you go,” mom whispered, no doubt noticing the light enter my eyes. “I know she’s a special girl, Decker, she deserves to be treated like one. Your father managed to keep me completely wrapped up in his heart because he never stopped for one moment trying to show me how much he loves me. To be honest, he doesn’t need to show me, I know he loves me, but women like to see, we like to feel. It’s nice to know you are the center of someone’s universe, and in return, he’ll always be the center of mine.”

I kissed my mom on the forehead. “Thank you, Mom.”

I had work to do, a girl to win back, and a universe that had barely begun to take shape that needed to be built. And if Andi could find even a spark of love in her heart for me, I would put her smack bang in the center of that universe for the rest of my life.