Mark

I didn’t really wake up when Clyde got up in the morning. I registered him moving—after all, the bathtub was tiny, and we weren’t exactly small—but I barely opened my eyes. I thought I heard Clyde chuckle, but it might just have been my imagination. He murmured something as he pulled his shirt and jeans on. It could have been a see you later. Maybe it was something else more important.

All I knew was that sometime later, I opened my eyes and groaned as the sound of thumping footsteps pulled me out of sleep. There was no escaping the movement in the house.

I righted myself in the bathtub and rubbed a hand over my face. My body felt heavy and I was relaxed in a way I’d never really experienced before. Even in the shitty tub, I felt like I’d had the best sleep I’d gotten in years.

I was also unable to stop the grin that was making its way across my face. Not even when I pressed a hand to my mouth. I even laughed a little when I got up and saw my messy hair in the mirror.

When I finally left the bathroom, I was greeted by the usual bustle of lunchtime traffic. It was exactly noon. The numbers on the stove clock blinked fluorescent green and I took a moment to just watch other people walk by, chatting or joking about what they were going to do for the rest of the day.

“You slept in.” Caspar was suddenly at my side, pushing hair away from his face. He was kind of sweaty.

I pointed to his forehead. “Did you run from the cops or something?”

“No. I was running from your stupidity. I hear it’s catching.”

“Me? What did I do?” I raised an eyebrow at Caspar. The grin was coming back to my face. Damn. Is this what sleeping right feels like? I wondered if I should start sleeping in just a little more.

Caspar paused. “Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it’s not stupid; maybe it’s crazy.”

“Seriously. What are you talking about?” I asked again, shaking my head. I started to open one of the cupboards to rummage around for something to eat.

Caspar knocked my hand away and closed the cupboard. He moved further down the counter instead and pulled a generic pop-tart out of a half-flat cardboard box. I started to take it, but Caspar batted my hand away again and started to unwrap it. He took one of the pastries and handed me the other.

“You and Clyde, yesterday.”

My heart did a backflip. I felt like if I opened my mouth, it would come tumbling out. Were we that loud? Did they come back while we were in the shower and we just didn’t hear? Or did Clyde tell him about the forest?

I tried my best to stay calm. There was no sense in confirming anything before I figured out what Caspar knew. “What do you mean? Lots of shit happens during the day, if you’re actually doing work.”

Caspar rolled his eyes at the weak jab. “I mean, you and Clyde ran off to the uptown neighborhoods. You should know better. There’s no luck for us there. Only cops and people that have too much time on their hands.”

“Time and money,” I pointed out. The sense of relief that flooded my veins was almost overwhelming. He doesn’t know.

I wasn’t going to survive if I wasn’t smarter about this. I couldn’t believe I’d almost spilled my own secret just because I thought Caspar already knew. I was acting like a teenager.

“Seems like a lot of people are back. Where is Clyde, by the way?” I hoped the question would sound casual. I didn’t want to give Caspar any more reasons to suspect something.

Caspar shrugged. “Left early. He’s probably looking for purses to steal. That guy never does the easy thing, does he?”

No, and it’s just one thing about him that’s hot. I tried to hide my smile with my pop-tart and hoped Caspar wouldn’t see. Having this secret—being so close to Clyde—felt a lot like I’d stolen something I didn’t have to give up to Link. To the crew. With the Rapps, one man’s treasure was every man’s treasure. If you had anything for yourself, it was only after the rest of the family got their cut.

Now that I’d been with Clyde, even if it was barely twice, I felt like I had something no one else did. Something I didn’t have to share. For once, I wasn’t thinking about the Rapps. I was only thinking about what I wanted and how miraculously, Clyde wanted the same thing.

I had the sudden desire to see him. It was stupid and crazy; I missed Clyde, even though it had barely been a few hours. I was eager to know what he thought. Whether he was gone because he regretted being with me, or if he wanted to keep going. If maybe this was some perfect dream I didn’t have to wake up from.

“You wanna head out? I should get back out there soon.” The way Caspar asked made it seem like he’d asked more than once. Maybe he had; if he did, I hadn’t heard him.

Focus, I reminded myself. I shoved the last bit of pop-tart into my mouth and flicked my hands over my jeans. “No. Thanks, though. I think I’ll just roam around and pop a few backseats.”

“All right. Watch your back.” Caspar raised an eyebrow at me as I left. I could tell he thought I was being weird, but I didn’t care. I didn’t give a fuck what he thought, so long as he let me go.

Fuck, I feel good. Why do I feel so good? It wasn’t hard to admit that I’d definitely felt good when I was in the shower with Clyde, his hands on my body and everything rushing toward climax. But even aside from that, I thought about the few times I’d half-woken at night, sleepy and relaxed, to find Clyde asleep next to me. How perfect it had felt to open my eyes to him.

It seemed to take me no time to walk the few blocks to the mall we’d been at just a few days before. It wasn’t the boring trip it always was. Instead, I was practically bouncing on my heels with anticipation.

I wandered the parking lot for a good while. There weren’t many options. I popped a few back doors to old cars and nicked mostly useless things—a few flash drives and some rewards cards. I found change and a couple of bucks in some cars. In one, I found an old camera hidden below the driver’s seat.

The haul wasn’t glamorous, but I wasn’t in the zone at all. My mind kept wandering back to Clyde. I kept thinking about the way he’d kissed me and how he’d asked, with more care than I thought he had, if I was okay. If I wanted him.

I was so deep in my thoughts I was late to recognize that someone was coming my way as I walked away from a car I hadn’t peered into. It also took me a minute to realize that the figure was Eugene.

“What are you doing out here?” I frowned and leaned against one of the older cars in the lot. It was near the back, so there was no real risk. “I just saw Caspar back at the house.”

Eugene rolled his eyes dramatically. “I don’t go everywhere he does.”

“Could have fooled me.”

“Shut up.” Eugene punched me in the shoulder, but it wasn’t that impactful. I grinned and batted his hand away. “I was just looking around. Thought I’d slide by the mall and lift some small things.”

“Oh, really? What’d you get?”

“Not much. Just a watch and some phone cases.”

“That’s still good.” I was a little impressed. Eugene wasn’t the best when it came to doing anything that could hurt someone. Or something. I’d seen him avoid driving too fast because there were dogs on the sidewalk, even though they were leashed.

Eugene shrugged. “Yeah, I guess. What are you up to?”

“Same old.” I rocked on my heels and jerked my head toward the parking lot. “Not much to see here, though. Maybe I’ll go inside, too.”

I noticed Eugene getting distracted as we talked. At first, I thought it was the usual—that he’d seen a cat in the distance, or maybe a couple having an argument. Eugene was just too nice about a lot of things.

It took me a few minutes to recognize that Eugene was looking at me. He was scrutinizing me pretty closely, too. I could only handle his gaze for so long before I finally spoke up. “What?”

“What do you mean?”

I stared at Eugene. He had a shitty poker face, at least to me. His eyes darted away, and he seemed like he was trying to act casual, but I didn’t buy it. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Like what?” Eugene challenged. It was a pretty weak response.

I lifted an eyebrow and stared Eugene down. I wasn’t going to budge. “Cut the shit, Eu. Just tell me. I’m not gonna stab you.”

“That’s what you say now,” Eugene muttered, but he sighed and finally gave up. “I just—you, uh…you’re in a really good mood.”

I stared at Eugene. What? I was utterly confused. I didn’t know why he seemed to think I would be angry about him saying that. I frowned and crossed my arms. There was something else he was hiding, I thought. There was no way that was the truth. “Really? I look happy? That’s it?”

“Not happy.” Eugene snorted, and I could see a grin start to take over his face. He tried to fight it, but he was doing a shitty job. “Jesus, Mark. You look like you’re fucking floating. It’s—”

“If you say funny, I will kill you.”

“I knew it.”

I glared at Eugene, but I could feel my cheeks heating up. I turned away like I was mad, but really, I just wanted to hide my face. I was feeling more than a little mortified. Was I that easy to read? I wondered if Link was home and if he would have been able to tell, too. What if he had noticed?

“Yeah, whatever. Why don’t you go back home? I’m sure Caspar is looking for you.” I waved Eugene away and ignored the way he laughed as he started down the sidewalk.

Eugene was probably right. I’d been feeling good all day and the Rapps would notice. After all, it wasn’t like any of us spent our lives exactly happy or in a state of bliss. Eugene was the only one of us that probably consistently wore a smile and even he had his serious moments. The fact that Eugene had pointed out my good mood told me it was probably obvious to everyone else, too.

This isn’t gonna fly. I tried to squash down the happiness that bubbled in my chest. I felt a bit bitter that I had to, but I knew I had to. After all, it was dangerous for people to question what got me happy. I was pretty certain Link had already started to watch me and Clyde closely, after the car heist. Maybe Link guessed what was going on.

If Link knew, he’d never allow it. I knew that for a fact. Link loved us all and he was like an older brother that looked out for us, but he wasn’t stupid. Link knew how dangerous it could be to mix business and pleasure—and with the Rapps, life was the business of staying alive. Pleasure wasn’t something we had time for.

You should never have done this. The little voice was back in my head, reminding me I’d messed up. I swallowed my rising dread and started to walk back to Nicana. I didn’t want to think of all the worst possible outcomes, yet. I just wanted to get home and clear my head.

As much as I dreaded going to see Link, I did. Maybe it was my sudden nerves that overrode my good mood or maybe the others just knew me better. Whatever reason, Link didn’t notice or didn’t say anything about my mood. He just took what I’d lifted and gave me the usual thanks and reminder to stay safe.

I felt like a zombie as I wandered toward the backyard. I couldn’t face the bathroom just yet. It would only remind me of Clyde and I didn’t need to think of him, now. Not when my mind was spinning with the possibilities of what might happen.

I was sitting on the back-porch steps when the door opened behind me. I didn’t turn around; I expected someone had come out to smoke. Instead, I heard the footsteps behind me get closer until someone thumped next to me lazily.

It was Clyde. I knew before I looked. He smelled like the shower soap in the bathroom and something else. The salt of his sweat, maybe. Or he’d gone somewhere and managed to bring the faint smell of cologne or nature along with him.

I wanted to breathe him in. I did inhale a little more than I should have, but I fought to keep myself calm. “Good day?”

“It was a day.” Clyde shrugged and leaned back, his hands pressed to the patio. I could see a smile curl his lips. “Would have liked to have you along.”

“You didn’t wake me,” I pointed out.

“You slept like a sack of potatoes. Is it always like that?” Clyde grinned and nudged me with his shoulder.

I rolled my eyes and looked away. Jesus. Suck it up. My heart was racing, though, and I was afraid I’d choke on it. How could I tell Clyde what I was thinking? How did I even begin?

Clyde was quiet for a long minute. He leaned in then, eyes suddenly serious. He was quieter when he asked, “What happened?”

Nothing. That’s not it. The words wouldn’t come out. Instead, when I opened my mouth, the truth came out. I blurted without thinking, “What happened. We—you. I thought about you. Before. That way.”

Oh my God, that was a mess. I wanted to run inside. I wanted to do anything but be right there, with Clyde silently listening to me fumble my words and dig a deeper pit for myself. I almost did get up to leave, but Clyde finally spoke.

“You did? But—I mean, I never…knew. Since when?”

I could have lied. Maybe I should have. But I’d already started to spill the truth and some small part of me hoped that the more I gave, the greater my chances would be that Clyde would stay. I was just terrified that he’d run. “Well, it…maybe a month.”

“A month before now?” Clyde pulled his knees up to his chest and propped his chin on them.

He was still looking at me, which is probably why my tongue came loose and I said, “A month after I got here.”

“Oh.”

Yeah, oh. Clyde seemed to be at a loss for words. I was torn between running into the house to avoid him and staying to see what he’d say. I hadn’t even wanted to think about the truth. Even when I knew it was a useless crush, it had still lingered this long. What kind of idiot was I?

Clyde smiled to himself a little. Did I do that? Is he smiling because of me and what I said? I was tempted to ask him what he was thinking or if my confession was weird to him. Thankfully, Clyde finally broke the tense silence. “I…God. I wish I’d known.”

Clyde laughed. Did I hear that right? My heart jumped a little. I wondered if the implication was true—if Clyde had maybe looked at me as long as I’d looked at him. Had we just been two idiots thinking about each other when we could have had just what we wanted?

“I…so.” I cleared my throat a little and hoped the conversation wouldn’t go badly. How do people just do this all the time? “You’ve been out for a while. I thought maybe you wanted space.”

As much as I hated to be the one starting the conversation, I wanted to get it out of the way. I didn’t want it to come when I wasn’t ready. I probably would have rather thrown myself in traffic than wait for Clyde to bring it up.

“I was just—I went to check out the neighborhood,” Clyde said quickly. He seemed worried; he twisted to face me completely, brows bunched together. “I wasn’t running. I’m sorry, I—”

“No. No, it’s not a problem.” I panicked a little. Did he think I was needy, now? “I just wanted to be sure. You know.”

In any other situation, the awkwardness would have pushed me to end things right there. Except I could smell the soap and faint deodorant on Clyde and it brought me right back to the bathroom he’d walked into. The shower where I had tried to hold myself up as Clyde made it nearly impossible.

“You know…if you’d rather keep things quiet, we could do that.” Clyde bit his bottom lip and I had to tear my eyes away from the sight.

Wait. Does that mean he does still want to try? I didn’t ask but my heart started to race faster. I tried to think of a way to ask without being obvious. “You’re sure you want to risk it?”

“Risk is routine.” Clyde smirked and leaned back on his elbows. It was harder for me to look away, especially as the setting sun illuminated him in profile. He had a gold outline. “Anyway, I doubt anyone would find out. It’s not like we all spend so much time together.”

“We do see the twins a lot.”

“Eugene is an idiot and Caspar probably wouldn’t care enough to say anything.”

“Eu might be smarter about it than you think.” I snorted and shook my head. “He told me I was too happy, this morning.”

“Were you?” Clyde grinned a little wider.

I made an indignant noise; I couldn’t come up with a quick response. Clyde just smiled even more as I fished around for some retort. “I wasn’t—I mean, I just—I slept well. I don’t usually get much sleep.”

“I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or not.”

I snorted. Clyde just tilted his head toward the sky, still smiling. I wondered what he was thinking about. Is he thinking of how he might regret this? Or does he want what I do?

Clyde finally stretched, moving as if he was about to get up. “Okay. We’ll give it a shot—try and keep everyone out of the loop. If—” Clyde paused, worrying at his bottom lip. Suddenly, he seemed a little less sure. “If it doesn’t’ work…well. We can just go back. How things were before.”

I knew he was saying it because it was an important option, but I still felt a threatening sting. I didn’t want things to fall apart. But I knew it wasn’t just up to me, or even Clyde. We were just two members of a much bigger crew. If Link found out, there was no chance he wouldn’t do something.

There was a chance that Clyde or I could get kicked out or punished. Is it worth it? After so many years of nothing but hurt and giving things up, I already knew my answer. I didn’t want to let go of what we’d started. It was a relationship just for the two of us. We didn’t have to give any of it up to the crew the way we gave up money or space in the house.

“Yeah,” I finally agreed. “Yeah. If it doesn’t work, it’ll be like nothing changed. No harm done.”

Clyde nodded, and I could see his smile growing again. The uncertainty that hung in the air between us was gone. In its place was anticipation—I was excited for what would come. It can’t be that hard to hide it from Link, right? That’s half the battle.

With the sun going down and Clyde next to me again, I felt like I could forget everything I was worried about. None of it was as important as the way it felt to sit there in the growing heat of summer, with only tomorrow to think about.