It was bad. Really bad.
For the last few years, we’d been managing the disease in the best ways we knew how. My mom and I had tried with every dollar we had. But we’d always been fighting a losing battle. And I’d always known that someday, her health problems would take a turn and the meager funds we had wouldn’t be enough.
And that night, we reached it.
Starting with the phone call, dread had grown in my body. Patty, our neighbor, called me at my mom’s request, and she hadn’t bothered to hide the concern she felt about my mom’s current state. I’d barely been able to think of anything since.
But whatever ideas about her health had swirled through my mind, none of it could have prepared me for what I saw when I walked into emergency room 5A. As soon as I pushed back the curtain that separated her bed from the rest of the chaos, the dull ache in my heart turned almost unbearable.
“Mom? Oh my God.”
Anyone who heard me at that moment would have known immediately how terrified the sight of her made me.
She lay on the hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask, an IV, and several other leads that connected to machines I didn’t recognize. The fluorescent lights sharpened her pale features, and her heaving breaths made a wheezing sound, one deeper and more ominous than I’d heard before. Her frail body almost disappeared into the bed.
She looked like she’d aged five years in one night.
Mom opened her eyes as I spoke her name. “Oh, honey,” she said, her voice muffled through the oxygen mask. “I’m so glad you’re here.”
“Patty called me.” I walked toward the left side of her bed, which had a small hardback chair placed next to it. I dumped my purse on the seat and found her hand with mine. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there, Mom.” Tears welled in my eyes, and I blinked them back. “I should have been there to help you. I should have—I should—”
“Shh.” She gave me a weak smile. “You were at work. You needed to do your job. I didn’t want you to miss that.”
“I know, but—”
“Those parties always run late.”
I gulped down my guilt. If I hadn’t gone to dinner with Davis afterward, I might have been home in time to take my mother to the hospital myself. She wouldn’t have been alone. Suffering.
“How long did you lie there by yourself?”
“I don’t know,” she croaked. “A while. A long time.”
I shuddered. The idea of made me want to throw up. “I’m so sorry.”
“Stop apologizing.”
“Fine.” I sucked in a breath to steady myself. “Have they given you any idea of how long you might need to stay here?”
She shook her head.
I pushed my purse off the chair and sat on it. “I’m here now. I’m not leaving.” I squeezed her hand. “And we’ll get through this, no matter what happens next.”
Her eyes softened. “You always stop doing whatever you’re doing to take care of me. You’re not able to live, and it’s not fair to you.”
“It’s fine.”
“No, it isn’t. It hasn’t been ‘fine’ for the last five years. We’ve both watched me waste away, not really living. It’s awful, and it’s made worse by seeing the best time in your life passing you by. You should stop spending all your time taking care of me. You need to take care of yourself and stop worrying about me all the time.”
“It’s not a burden.”
“It is, honey. You’re not having any fun.”
“Trust me, I am.”
My thoughts turned to Davis and the dinner we’d enjoyed. Tacos and margaritas. Something so simple, and yet it was without a doubt one of the best dinners I’d had in a long time. It was probably the company, of course.
“I’m not letting my twenties pass me by. I promise.”
She started to reply but was interrupted by the unceremonious arrival of a large woman in seafoam green scrubs. The woman carried a metal clipboard and studied us from behind rimless reading glasses.
“I’m Nurse Karen, the attendant on duty,” she told me after I quickly introduced myself. “And I’m glad to see you here. Your mother was asking for you earlier.”
“She was?”
“She was pretty confused when she arrived.” Nurse Karen nodded. “We think she hit her head when she fell, and she might have a concussion as a result. We’ve run a battery of tests.” Karen addressed my mother. “You’re looking a lot better than when you came in.” She walked over to Mom’s other side, checked her blood pressure and the various machines she was hooked up to, and took notes on Mom’s chart. “Oxygen saturation levels have improved, but we’ll keep you on oxygen for a while longer. We’ll give you a dose of Lasix that should make breathing easier and reduce the pain quickly, and we’ll provide regular nebulizer treatment as well. How are you feeling? Are you breathing more comfortably now?”
“I am.”
“That’s an encouraging sign, right?” I asked.
“We’re doing everything we can to make sure your mom is comfortable. Dr. Matthew Sparks is on duty tonight,” Karen said, turning back to me, and I realized it wasn’t really an answer to my question.
“When do you think we can see him?” I asked.
Karen waved a hand. “We’re in the middle of a pretty busy evening. I can’t tell you, but I do know you’re in the rotation.” She looked at Mom again. “I just need to check her vitals now. Do you need anything, Ms. Green?”
Mom shook her head.
“All right,” Karen said briskly. “I promise we’ll be in a few times this evening to check in.”
“So, she’s staying here overnight,” I concluded.
Karen nodded.
“Any idea how much longer than that?”
“No, the doctor will make that determination.” Karen studied the machines and leads hooked up to my mother. “But I would guess at least tonight and tomorrow. Still, I’m no doctor. That could change.”
I cringed inside. A huge chunk of me didn’t want to even consider the kind of hospital bill we’d get out of this. Emergency room visits alone usually required at least five hundred out-of-pocket.
More money we didn’t have.
Karen said goodbye and exited the room. Once we were alone again, Mom’s eyes turned sad. “Honey—”
“Don’t,” I said preemptively. “Don’t worry about this. We can get through this. I promise.”
“But when you consider the—”
“Shh.” I squeezed her hand one more time. “Just try to rest, okay? Don’t think about the bills. We will figure something out.”
We had to. No choice. It was as simple as that. We’d figure something out because we had no other way out. I wouldn’t deny my mother the medical care she needed. No way.
But that night, as I fell into a fitful sleep in the chair next to her bed, the anxiety wouldn’t go away.