CHAPTER 25
Garrison
It’s dark outside by the time I walk into Cuzzo’s house. My shirt is sticky from sweat and my heart is still broken from the last word’s Sawyer spoke to me, “...it’s the truth.” We drove back to Memphis in silence. After I parked the Beast in the driveway, I handed her the keys for probably the last time. We didn’t hug or kiss, we didn’t even look at each other. I simply placed the key ring in her hand and she marched inside her mother’s house. It may have been the last time I’ll ever see her, but I’ll never forget what she looked like walking away from me.
“Surprised you’re here,” Cuzzo comments as I close the garage door behind me.
I walk to the fridge, grabbing a bottle of water and downing it in a couple gulps before I acknowledge him and even then, I don’t really address his statement. “Why wouldn’t I be? You kicking me out?”
Cuzzo frowns from where he sits at the kitchen table. “I take it things didn’t go well.”
Scoffing, I grab another water and sit down across from him. “That’s one way of putting it. Dean isn’t her father, Sawyer thinks all men leave, and I told her I loved her.”
I look up at my grandfather, anxious to see his reaction regarding that last bit I threw in there. He purses his lips, not saying anything at first. I hate when he does this, I’ve seen him make this exact same face for years. He pretends that he’s pondering but in reality, he’s trying to force me into figuring things out for myself.
“Come on, Cuzzo, say something, don’t pull that shit on me right now.”
The old man smiles and shakes his head. “Guess I’m getting too old for you, aren’t I? Alright, where do you want me to start?”
I shrug as though he can see me and fiddle with the label on my water bottle. “Rip the Band-Aid off, tell me I shouldn’t have told her I loved her.”
“Do you?”
I look up from the plastic in my hands, puzzled by his question. “You don’t think I do because we haven’t known each other that long?”
Cuzzo shakes his head. “I’m asking if you love her, Garrison. It’s a yes or no question.”
“I don’t think you honestly love her, Garrison, because if you did, you’d be there with her right now, not bitching to me about how shitty of a day it’s been.”
“She doesn’t want me, Cuzzo. She told me all men leave, and when I tried to tell her she was wrong, she brought up the fact that I head back to the Navy soon.”
“So,” Cuzzo waves his hands then crosses his arms, “you proved her point.”
I open my mouth to object then close it. Fuck me, Cuzzo’s right. Sawyer threw it in my face that I was leaving, she knew that before we even met with Dean. She was testing me, and I fuckin’ failed. Standing up, I grab the bottle of water and run out the front door, hoping like hell I’m not too late to get a passing grade on the most important test of my life.
Sawyer
It sucks to be alone, not just by yourself in the moment, but alone in life. The only family I’ve ever had has been my grandparents and my mother. Now, they’re all gone, and I’m left here on Earth alone. I guess part of the reason I wanted to find my father was so that I knew I had someone out there, someone that was family, but now, that option is long gone as well. So, here I am, all alone, packing up my mother’s house and praying I’ll be able to get out of this town within the next twenty-four hours because not only do I have no living relatives, but I managed to shove away the only person I’ve been connected with since my mother passed.
Digging in the back of her closest, I found a box. I pull it out and note that is already packed. I frown, not recalling leaving this here. I pull open the tabs and stare into the box, shocked at the contents. Slowly, one by one, I pull out one toy after another… a Furby, a pink haired Troll, a Skip-It, basically all the popular toys of the nineties. Dean Sawyer wasn’t lying, he wasn’t just trying to make himself look good, he honestly did the things he told me he did. Now, I feel like an ass for walking out of his office the way I did. Sighing, because quite honestly, I think after the last few weeks all of my tears are dried out, I pick up the box and carry it downstairs.
Ready to see some kind of change, I spend the next twenty minutes loading up the Beast with all of the boxes that Garrison and I have packed the last few days. The trunk area full, I open the door to the backseat to fill it up when I see the folder from Dean. I set the box in my hands on the floorboard and carry the file back inside. I continue carrying boxes out to the Beast, staring at the folder every time I walk past it.
Once the Beast is finally filled, I walk back inside and run my finger over the manila folder; I’m sure there’s nothing in here that I’m not already familiar with. I flip open the front and tears immediately fill my eyes when I saw an envelope with my name on it, written in my mother’s handwriting. Carefully, I tear it open, wiping at my tears so they don’t fall on the paper and mess up the ink on the paper. I pull out a handwritten letter, all in my mother’s handwriting and my heart swells. One last surprise from my mother, one last time to see her signature. I used to adore getting cards in the mail from her. It was always the highlight of my day when I saw her signature “OXXO, Mom.” I take my time unfolding the letter before I begin to read her final words to me.
Sweet Sawyer,
If you’re reading this, I’m hoping you’re old and gray with grandchildren of your own, because it means I have left this Earth, but we both know that life changes quickly, so while I hope I’ve lived a long life, I may have been taken from you when we both least expected it. We may not have had that one last conversation, I might not have gotten to tell you how much you mean to you, and you may still have questions unanswered. I’m hoping that this letter will serve for as all of that for you.
First, my baby girl, I want you to know that my life didn’t start until I held you in my arms. I was young when I had you, I didn’t know what I wanted out of life or what I was even going to do, but the second the doctor set you in my arms, I knew exactly what my life was meant for. I know you longed to get out of this small town since you were a teenager, and I once felt that way too. Then, you came along and I decided I never wanted to leave Memphis, selfishly because then I wouldn’t have to share you with the rest of the world.
I wanted nothing more than for the two of us to conquer the world together. I thought we could do that from Memphis but I was wrong. You grew up; you were brave, and you flew off into the big, scary world outside of our town limits. You made me so proud, Sawyer, you did what I could never do because I was scared. Oh, sweet girl, here I am your mother, supposed to be teaching you the way of the world, but in fact, you taught me so much more than I ever taught you.
Now, here’s the hard part I’m about to share with you. You asked me many times and I avoided it as much as possible because I didn’t want you to be scared or worse, feel pity for me. I didn’t want you to know I was weak, I only wanted you to know what a strong mother you had. You might wonder then why, now that I’m gone, I’m choosing to tell you who your father is. Well, because as much as it pains me, it’s not fair to keep you in the dark any longer. So, I’ll wait for you to grab some Kleenex before I tell you about the night you were conceived.
My heart races and I try to skim the rest of the letter, but tears blur the words and I’m afraid of smearing the story of my conception. Jumping up, I grab a paper towel from the counter and take the letter to the front porch. I sit on the swinging porch as the sunsets, ready to find out the truth about where I came from.
Alright, here goes, Sawyer, your father…
It was right after Christmas when grandpa took my friend Debbie and I to the VFW Hall to visit some of his friends. Almost immediately, I spotted the most handsome man I’d ever seen. His name was Dean Sawyer. He came over and talked to me and we spent the rest of the evening dancing. It was the most romantic night of my life, and I knew this man was my soul mate. When the night ended, he split a playing card in half and we exchanged numbers. I kept that card on the mirror in my room, thinking of him every day that passed after we met that first night. Over the years, you asked me many times what it was and I always told you that it was just an old friend’s phone number. Anyway, after we exchanged numbers, he and his friend offered me a ride home, but I knew your grandpa would not be happy if he saw two men dropping me off that late at night. Besides, the weather was warm for December, and the stars lit up the night so I decided I’d walk home.
On cloud nine, I meandered through the square, thinking about dancing with Dean. I didn’t know much about him because we didn’t talk, we simply listened to the music and twirled around the dance floor. You know how lost we can get in our dancing, and that’s exactly how it was with Dean. I was lost in my thoughts as I passed town hall until I heard my friend Debbie who had left shortly before I did with a man she’d met that evening, too. His name was Sam Ellington. She was crying so I called out to her, following her whimpers. I looked beside the stone stairs and I saw her curled up in a ball. I ran to her, wanting to help my friend, but when she saw me, she shook her head and started waving her hands for me to leave, but it was too late. Sawyer, this part is hard to tell you because something as wonderful as a child should be conceived in love but unfortunately, that wasn’t the case with you. I’ll spare you the details but sweet daughter of mine, from the moment I knew you were in me, there was nothing but love for you, from me, your grandparents, and even from that kind man I met that night. I never wanted you to know the truth, but you’re an intelligent woman and I know I can’t keep this secret from you forever, hopefully, just long enough for you to be able to handle the hard truth that this is.
I was right. Dean, the man I danced with that night, was my soul mate. He offered to be your father, not just once, but time and time again. I told him no because he had bigger dreams of law offices in big cities, and I wanted to keep you all to myself in this small town. My love for you was bigger than my love for him but that doesn’t mean he and I didn’t have a great love story. I only hope that one day you find your great love like I found Dean.
Sweet Sawyer, know that you’ve made me proud and understand that if I could have a re-do of that night, I would change nothing because if I did, I would’ve never had you and I can’t imagine my life without the wonderful daughter I was given that night. You were always my world, my reason, and I want you to know, Sawyer, that I loved you with every fiber of my being. Now, stop crying, put away this letter and go live your life. Be the amazing woman I raised you to be, the one that showed me what my life was meant for, and love, Sawyer, love with every fiber of your being.
~OXXO~
Mom
P.S. Thank Dean for your dance lessons over the years.