Eight years old
Screams tear through the house, coming from mommy and daddy’s bedroom.
Lucian keeps coming out and disappearing back inside with towels.
The angry boom of Daddy’s deep voice sounds out, bouncing around the walls and then crying follows.
Lucian comes barreling out of the room, his face as white as the sheets on our beds. He has blood on his stomach and hands and I cringe at the thought of what that could have been caused by.
Dad’s heavy feet pound the ground and the bare floor moves on the foundations.
Miss Bloom pops into my mind.
She will be proud of me for remembering that houses have foundations; it’s a topic we’re learning about in school.
Dad has gathered the boys in the kitchen and then they disappear out the back door and Dad nods his head toward mom’s room, an order to go in there.
I duck my head and hurry my feet into mom’s room and cower when he comes in behind me.
“Clean that up,” he snaps at me and my stomach rolls.
There is blood and wet stains all over the bed.
What happened?
Noise squeals from the bathroom attached to their room and as I turn my head towards the sound, a snap resonates across my cheek and a stinging burn explodes over the same path.
He hit me, my head whipping to the side and my hair delayed, suspended in air before curtaining my face to hide my tears from him.
He always hates my tears.
Gathering up the bed sheets, I take them to the basement and load them in to the washer.
I’m not sure how those stains will come out of the cotton but I add bleach because I’ve seen Mom do that before.
It spatters and rushing water sounds out.
I tiptoe back up the stairs, hoping to stay clear of Daddy’s wrath and just go to bed.
My brothers enter the house with mud all up their shins and shovels in their hands.
What were they doing so late at night?
When Daddy turns his attention on me, I shrink and pray that I become so small I can turn into dust and be swept away.
He grabs my arm and pulls me into the night.
I’m in a hole that my brothers have dug, and Mom is staring at us both from a clearing in the trees.
She’s holding something to her chest; the baby from her tummy.
Why can’t I tell anyone about her?
Daddy leaves to go back to Mommy and I’m not sure if I’m allowed to climb from the hole or if he wants me to spend the night out here.
It’s too cold. Please don’t leave me here.
“Get in the house and clean the mud your brother’s trodden in.”
I scarper from the ditch; it takes me a few attempts, but by the time I make it, I’m alone, and I run as fast as I can so the trees don’t swipe me up and tangle me in their branches.
It takes me over an hour to clean all the floors.
I’ve been able to tell the time since I was seven.
The big hand moves and I sigh, dropping the mop into the bucket and creeping on soft feet to my room.
Because everyone else has gone to bed, I was able to give myself a wash down with the mop water so I won’t soil the sheets.
I hear crying, a baby’s piercing scream through the night, and want so badly to go to her and comfort her.
The next morning, Daddy comes into my room early to tell me I have to stay home and help Mom today.
I don’t mind; it means he won’t be around so I’ll get the whole day without him or my brothers.
Mom always sleeps through the day and the night so it’s like she doesn’t even exist anyway.
After making them all breakfast, they depart and I’m left alone.
The house always feels different when they’re not inside and I want to call to Max when I see him through the window, leaving for school, and tell him to stay home and spend the day with me.
Crying coming from Mom’s room distracts me though, and I miss the chance.
I see the back of his rucksack as he climbs onto the bus.
I know he will be looking for me and scared that I’m not on the bus.
He worries about me so much; he’s the only person who has ever cared about me.
“Shh,” I hear my Mom hiss and I move towards her room.
I softly push the door open.
A basinet sits in the middle of the room.
My feet creep over the floor and I wince when it creaks.
Mom stirs but doesn’t fully wake.
Her pill bottles line the dresser.
She says she needs them because monsters don’t let her sleep.
I’m not sure if she means the same monsters that don’t let me sleep, the ones she lets hurt me.
As I reach the basinet, my stomach feels like it’s falling out of me and hitting the ground.
The baby’s face is wrong. She looks odd, her top lip is pulled up into her nose.
I reach in and move the blankets from her body, and her tiny feet bend weird and I think that may be why she cried so much last night.
I twisted my ankle once and it hurt for weeks afterward.
She begins to fuss so I scoop her up and cradle her to my chest; I’m so happy I have a sister.
I take her from the room so she doesn’t wake Mom and make her angry; she can be nasty when she’s mad.
I take care of the baby until Daddy comes home.
He glares at me for so long when he comes through the front door that I almost wet myself.
“Remember what I said,” he warns, and I think back to the hole outside.
“I won’t tell anyone. I promise.”
“Not even that kid next door, Evi, or I’ll kill him too.”
No. Not Max. Never.
His words are the cruelest, most painful thing he’s ever said or done to me.
Max is everything, and when we’re old enough, we’re going to leave this place. I’ll take my sister with me and leave the rest of them to rot.
“Here’s her milk. Read the instruction and make her bottles up. You’re in charge of her feeds.”
“Okay.”
I’m good with Eleanor. I like taking care of her. Keeping her a secret from Max is nearly impossible but she’s been here for three months and five days now and he hasn’t guessed or asked about a baby.
Mom is useless.
Some days she will be present in the world and want to hold Eleanor, but for some reason, she calls her ugly and deformed and she blames Daddy.
They argue but they have always been that way and I ignore them most of the time, grateful they’re hitting each other and not me.
I’m just putting dishes away after breakfast when Lucian calls for me and it makes me want to cry.
It hurts so much when he does those things to me and I feel rotten inside for days after.
Eleanor is still sleeping when Lucian is finished with me.
I sneak out the back gate and into the sanctuary of the trees.
When I get to the water, I breathe in deeply.
They don’t come out here and the water cleanses me of their disgusting acts.
I hear movement behind and then the voice of Luke.
He’s caught like a wolf in a trap.
All the times my brothers have forced themselves into my body.
The time I refused them and hit Lucian with a trophy he had won for baseball, Daddy had punished me so severely, I couldn’t sit down or go to the toilet from my butt without screaming for a month. All anger and pain take over my actions.
I got better and learned my lesson with my brothers, but Luke isn’t my brother, he’s no-one; a horrid worm who thought he could taunt me. Well, he can’t.
The boulder in my hand comes down on his foot, snapping the bone.
It feels good. A zapping sings inside me and I want to do it again. He’s crying and cursing and I’m laughing.
“You’re dead, Evi. I’m going to fucking drown you in that lake you love so much,” he sobs, and I realize he may do that.
Daddy might get mad if Luke tells people what I did.
My heart skips when I see Max standing just under a hanging branch. He’s looking at me and I realize Luke had snatched the towel from me and I’m naked.
Max doesn’t give me the same look as Luke did or my brother’s do. He looks sad and I want to go to him and let us hold each other until all the sadness disappears.
Luke follows my gaze and he begins to thrash and scream.
“Help me! This little bitch is crazy! She’s broken my foot.
I’m going to sue you all and tell everyone what you do with your brothers, Evi!” he screams,
Spoilt brat
I know I have to stop him. Daddy will kill me for this.
I hope Max will forgive me and not tell.
Before I can hit Luke again, Max is taking the boulder from my hands.
No. I need that.
My tummy flutters and I think I may pass out.
He lifts the boulder high above his head and drops it over Luke’s.
It sounds like he just dropped a coconut to the ground.
My mouth falls wide open and my chest is beating so fast.
Blood oozes from the wound he’s created and wide, dead eyes stare up at us.
“Help me move him, Evi.”
That day we formed an unbreakable bond.
I told him about Eleanor while we dragged Luke’s body to the grave my brothers had already dug for us.
Eleanor is extra fussy today and I beg Daddy to let me stay home but it earns me a backhanded slap to the face for whining and I’m now on the bus surrounded by kids that don’t have the same shadows haunting them as I do.
Daddy didn’t even remember my birthday is today.
I only know it’s my birthday because Max reminded me yesterday.
He seems excited about it for some reason; maybe it’s because I’m a year older and closer to an age when we can run away.
You know when you’re different.
I see how other parents are with their children.
Even Max’s Mom is affectionate towards him, a contrast to mine. Eleanor is getting so big now; I worry about her.
Her feet cause her pain and Daddy refuses to acknowledge it.
He still insists no one can know about her and I don’t understand why.
She’s still beautiful. She’s still just a baby. She’s mine and I love her and don’t want her to suffer like she is.
Miss Bloom is a nice teacher and she often gives me an apple in the playground or offers me to talk to her if I ever need to.
What if I told her? Would she help Eleanor? I can’t risk Daddy finding out and killing my sweet Eleanor.
The bus slows and the day drags.
I think about Mom not tending to the baby and how badly I need to get home to make sure she’s fed and has her diaper changed.
The final bell rings and I rush out of the classroom.
Miss Bloom stops me in the courtyard. “Evi, stay back, please. I have a surprise for you.”
No. I don’t want to. I can’t.
“I can’t. My Mom and Dad won’t like that.”
“Come on, Evi. It will be good for you to catch up. We have a test next week.”
“My parents won’t allow it.”
“I’ll call them.”
Her face saddens and she pouts.
She’s so pretty and youthful compared to my mom, who looks old and worn out by life.
“I’ll call them and tell them you need to stay back and study.”
No.
“Max is inside waiting.”
Max? Why?
“Okay,” I tell her and follow her back inside.
She’s grinning too hard and it makes me squirm.
She opens her classroom door and Max is inside and he yells,
“Happy Birthday, Evi!” He throws confetti in the air and marches toward me, planting a kiss on my cheek and clipping a badge to my top.
Tears build in my eyes and I’m stunned into silence.
“We have cake,” Miss Bloom announces.
No one has ever celebrated my birthday.
I’ve never had a birthday cake or a badge or confetti.
I lose sense of time, and for the first time in my life, I feel like a normal girl.
When the moon beams through the window, my heart thunders in my chest.
It’s so late, and Eleanor will be hungry and waiting for me, and if she’s crying, Daddy will get mad, and…
“I need to go home!” I shout, and startle Miss Bloom.
“It’s okay, Evi. I told your dad that I’d be dropping you home after study session. He won’t have to know. I promise.”
It’s not him I care about.
Max knows why I need to go and nods his head in agreement.
“It’s late. We should get back.”
The drive home is full of nervous energy.
I wanted to enjoy a day just for me, and the cake was so good that I went back and had a second helping.
The frosting was pink and sweet.
We pull up at my house and Miss Bloom unbuckles her seatbelt.
“I’ll walk you in.”
“No!” Max and I bark in unison.
“It’s fine.
Thank you for the party.” I un-belt myself and climb from the car.
I wait for her to pull away before I go inside.
Daddy isn’t in the kitchen or living room so I know he must be down in the basement where he watches those dirty movies that Mom hates.
As I drop my bag in my room and kick off my shoes, I turn to go to Mom’s room to see Eleanor.
She’s not fussy so maybe she’s asleep and Mom fed her today.
Pushing open the bedroom door, I see Mom’s form beneath the covers.
There’s a strong smell of alcohol and an empty bottle on the floor.
I notice then that Daddy is snoring on the bed next to Mom.
He must have had a bad day.
Please don’t wake up. Please don’t wake up.
I move to the basinet and it’s empty.
Eleanor?
Creeping over to the bed, I search as delicately and gently as possible. She’s not there.
“Evi,” Lucian hisses from the doorway.
I tiptoe out of the room and he shuts the door behind me.
“Don’t wake, Dad. You know how he gets when he’s drinking.”
No one is safe from his belt when he drinks too much.
“Where’s Eleanor?” I ask, my voice cracking.
He squints his eyes at me. “Where have you been? That thing cries all the time. I needed to shut her up.”
I’m going to be sick.
“Where is she?”
“It was an accident.”
No. No. No.
“Where is she?” I scream, and his eyes spring wide and his hand comes over my mouth to shut me up.
I pull away from him and run to the kitchen.
“She was making too much noise!” Lucian bellows, following me.
Prince comes from their room and shushes us.
“You’re being really loud. Dad will wake up.”
“Lucian did something to Eleanor!”
Prince’s gaze turns to our older brother. “What did you do?”
His skin blanches and his hands ball into fists. There’s a tremble in his lip that gives away that he’s scared.
“She was making too much noise. I just wanted her to stop crying.”
I’m dying. He’s done something bad; I know it.
“Where is she, Lucian?” Prince asks.
“What did you do?”
“I put a pillow over her face to shut her up. I hate looking at her,” he growls.
No. No. No.
“She was blue when I went back in to check on her.”
“You killed her?”
The room spins around me and I don’t think I’m breathing.
“Dad is going to kill you,” Prince breathes.
“No he isn’t. I took her to that lake that Evi is always playing in. You will tell him it was an accident, that you did it.”
I’m out the back door before he’s even finished his words. My head is going to explode.
I don’t even remember the journey to get here but I’m standing at the lake edge, searching.
It doesn’t take long. Her tiny body floats, face down.
A fever takes over me, boiling my blood.
They killed me years ago and then my Eleanor came and gave me something to hold onto.
I don’t want to be here anymore.
“Oh my God.” Max’s hushed words crawl over me.
He’s wading into the water towards Eleanor.
I don’t want him to get her. Let her be cleansed from this cruel world.
“She’s dead. Oh God, Evi.”
The limp weight of her body cradled in his arms is torture to see.
“This is my fault,” I choke.
A scream rips from me as I fall to the ground.
“I left her with them and ate cake.” My insides twist up and break. “They killed her because she was in pain and hungry. I didn’t come home to feed her.” I can’t catch my breath my head is humming.
“Who did this?” Max’s eyes water; he’s crying too.
“Lucian,” I breathe, a weird feeling coming over me.
The tears stop and all I want to do is kill them.
Crush their skulls like Luke’s.
“Evi, why does she look like this?” Max asks, looking down at my poor, precious, Eleanor.
“Daddy said she’s deformed, that’s why we can’t tell anyone about her.” It doesn’t make sense to me.
Other people have children with deformities; they’re a little different but all special and nothing to be ashamed of.
It’s probably all those drugs mom takes, I looked it up once at school, I think it’s something called a cleft palate.
I love Eleanor.
Others would love her too, or would they see her as Lucian did and just want to shut her up?
There’s a pain in my chest, so sharp.
“This has to stop.”
I hear Max calling to me as I rush back to the house.
I creak the back door open and no one is up; the house is still.
Lucian and Prince didn’t even care enough to wait for me to come back in.
Like Eleanor is not even human to them and that horrible pig didn’t kill her.
A darkness clouds my head and I walk in a state of careless abandon.
My hand slips over the handle of the kitchen knife I use to make them all sandwiches.
Max is whisper yelling my name at the doorway of our house.
He’s never been allowed inside before but he comes in and grabs my wrist.
“Evi?”
I stare into him, letting him know how broken I am and how I need this all to stop.
His grip drops from my wrist and I make my way to the boy’s bedroom. It’s not late enough for them to be sleeping.
I push open the door and Prince looks up at me from his bed.
He’s lying down, reading a magazine.
Lucian isn’t in here and my heart hammers in my chest.
“Did you find her?” he asks, like I was looking for a lost pet that escaped the yard.
His eyes expand and he attempts to sit up when he sees I’m not alone.
I rush him, lifting the blade high and plunging it down into his chest.
He doesn’t know what’s happening and he’s too shocked to scream out or stop me.
The knife sticks in his chest and it’s hard to pull out.
He’s gurgling and blood coats his bottom lip.
He’s choking on my name and it’s beautiful.
I tug and pull on the blade but I can’t dislodge it.
He tries to slap at my hands but he’s too weak.
Max’s body heats behind me as he covers his hands over mine and he uses his strength to help me pull the knife free.
I smile over my shoulder at him and stab back down into Prince over and over.
His blood sprays up at my face and then a scream resonates from the doorway.
Lucian stands there in the doorframe, mouth slack.
Max rushes him and crashes into his waist, knocking him to the floor. They spill into the hallway and I run after them.
Max lands a fist to Lucian’s jaw but Lucian is much bigger and tosses him off like he’s a rag doll.
He doesn’t see me coming though, and doesn’t have time to prepare when I lunge and pierce his cheek with the knife; it slides in like I’m carving meat for dinner.
His hands try to grab at the blade but he cuts himself on it and I jiggle the blade and pull it free, stabbing into him over and over and over.
The warm blood coats my body and I scream and scream as I plunge and punish him.
For Eleanor, for me.
Movement sounds from my parents’ room and Max grabs me under the arms and lifts me up.
My legs flail and kick.
I don’t want to stop.
Lucian deserves it.
“I’m not done.” I gasp.
“Evi, let your parents take the blame. Make it look like they did this, otherwise you’ll be taken away from me,” Max pleads, fear blazing in his eyes.
“He needs to die too,” I tell him.
There is no choice; Daddy needs to be punished too.
He closes his eyes and they re-open with a sparkle that tells me we’re the same person, same soul, same darkness.
“Give me the knife,” he orders, and I hand it over.
Following him to my parents’ room, the door swings open under his shove and they’re both still in bed.
Max walks to my Daddy’s side and I use my finger to draw it across my throat, showing him what I want.
He nods his head and does exactly that.
Blood squirts up the wall and my pulse races.
Daddy’s body jerks around and then nothing.
So easy.
Bye, Daddy. Rot in hell.
Mom doesn’t even wake up. She’s so far gone; always did ignore the blood being spilt in this house.
“And her,” I tell him, walking over and standing over Daddy’s body. I watch, transfixed, as the blood pumps from the slit across his neck.
“Do her,” I tell Max, but he’s shaking his head.
He hands me the knife.
“No. She did this. That’s what you’ll tell everyone.”
“No” I argue, clutching the blade. I’ll do it myself.
“They will take you away and we will never see each other again,” he pleads with me.
“I don’t want them to have Eleanor!” I cry.
They will bury her with them if Mom tells people about her, and they don’t deserve her.
“We can bury her. No one knows about her. No one has to know,” he tells me.
“No one will believe anything your Mother says. She’s delusional.”
He moves over to the bed where mom sleeps and smears dad’s blood on her.
“Bring me the knife, Evi.” He holds his hand out.
I move to walk around the bed to him but Daddy’s blood has spilled over the side of the bed and my foot slips in it and I drop forward onto the knife in my hands.
The sharp pain burns and stings through me. I gasp.
Max calls out to me.
Spots dance in my eyes.
Max is carrying me; I feel like I’m floating.
We’re outside. He stands me up next to him and my stomach hurts so bad I don’t think I can stand.
“Stay with me. I’m going to get my mom.”
“No.” I clutch his arm. “Eleanor. Bury her, Max. Please.”
“You’re bleeding bad, Evi.” He looks over my injury.
“I don’t think you can have hit anything important. Mom made me learn all her nurse crap about the human body but I can’t risk it. Please let me get her,” he mutters, and the cold nips at my skin.
“No, Max. Bury Eleanor for me. Please.”
Condensation pushes steam from his lips. “I’ll bury Eleanor and call an ambulance.”
And then I’m alone and my body needs to lie down.
The floor is so cold, the night dark.
I’m dying.