Green as far as the eye can see, and it’s a reprieve from the grey/black asphalt we’ve been staring at for the last hour.
I like it here, close to the water. I can almost smell it in the air.
If I don’t own a lake house here then I may buy one.
My parents’ life insurance will see that I never have to worry about money. Knowing their life came with a price tag makes the money feel dirty somehow.
“Here we are,” Max murmurs, gesturing to a white wooden sign stretching out at least six feet in width and five feet in height just in front of a black iron gate that’s open.
The driveway is long and leads to a stunning house.
Edward’s house.
Thud…
I know mine is just through the trees. I’m out of the car before it even pulls to a full stop. My feet kick up dirt as I race through the trees.
The lake ripples in greeting and my feet stutter to a stop.
Thud…
There it is. It is here.
Crunching sounds behind me and I turn. “It’s here, I knew…”
Words fall from my lips and Leroy stands there, sneering at me.
“So you came back then? Is Daniel with you?”
Daniel is dead.
“Daniel drowned in the lake.”
His eyes flare and his gaze turns to the lake.
“How do you know that?” he asks, shocked, his legs moving towards the small pier.
Jacqueline is standing down by the edge and I point to her.
“Go ask your mother. She knows he drowned.”
Leroy’s posture stiffens. He folds his arms over his chest. Scars in white lines like a ladder cut into his flesh travel the length of both forearms. I’ve never noticed those before.
“Are you drunk?” he bites out.
“What? No.”
He quirks a brow and looks between his mother and me.
“That’s Jacqueline. She’s a patient here, not my mother.”
Thud…
“No. She’s Daniel’s and your mother.”
He flinches backwards as if my words struck him.
“Daniel isn’t my brother, Evi. I can’t stand that asshole. Are you off your meds?”
I don’t take meds.
Edward’s form appears from the tree line and it’s all familiar and yet totally terrifying.
I’m staring at strangers.
“Evi, welcome back.” He points over his shoulder.
“I found your friend.” Max who has joined him and Leroy.
“Edward, who is Jacqueline?”
“She’s a permanent resident here at Greenfields.”
“Not your wife?”
His lips press together and he exhales.
“Evi, why don’t you come inside?”
No.
“What’s this? This is mine, right?” I ask, pointing up to the smaller version of his house.
His head bows in a slow nod.
“It’s the cabin you were staying, much to the upset of Leroy who wanted this accommodation.” He jests.
“Whatever.” Leroy Huffs bending down and swiping up a leaf that he tears into pieces.
“This isn’t a mandatory facility, Evi, so some of our residence like you have cabins and are free to come and go. We just ask that you inform your care team when you do leave and sign back in when you return.”
“She’s a crackpot. She needs an institution, like I said before. Ask her where Daniel is,” Leroy scoffs.
Thud…
“Do you know the answer to that, Evi?” Edward asks.
No.
Yes.
Leave me alone.
“I want to go inside?” I ask, but it’s not for permission; my body is already half way up the path.
The door gives way under my hand and I push inside, letting the door shut behind me.
Visions assault me, broken and cracked, of me and of Daniel, the night I remembered inviting him in.
“Not with your dirty little fingers. Use your tongue.”
He gains a confidence that was absent moments before. Grabbing my ankle, he shoves my legs farther open and leans in to taste me.
Regret and humiliation burns away all the adrenaline in my veins and I try to pry my legs closed.
“Get off me, Daniel!” I demand, pushing his head away from me.
His hands grab mine and he looks up from between my legs, his mouth forming a hard, bitter line.
“Don’t fucking tease me, Evi.”
I squeeze my legs together against him. His rage grows and he uses his elbows to prevent me.
“Stop it, you asshole!” I flay, trying to free myself from the stupid position I’ve put myself in.
Daniel was at Greenfields because he had issues with his temper and broke a fellow Lacrosse player’s nose.
His parents are wealthy and sent him here so he didn’t put a mark on their reputation.
“Get off me, Daniel!” I screech, pinching, punching, and attempting to kick him.
I don’t want this. I shouldn’t have invited him inside.
This is my fault.
He gets to his feet and I use the chance to scamper across the bed, but he’s fast and grips me around the back of the neck.
He forces me face down onto the bed and the covers bunch around my mouth, restricting my breathing.
He lets lust control his actions, his grip tightening in my hair.
I don’t tell him no anymore because it doesn’t matter; he will take what he wants anyway.
I don’t beg him not to because I can’t breathe and I’m dying.
“You’re a fucking tease! A dirty little whore who thinks she can play with me. Well, you can’t.”
The intrusion as he enters me burns and old images of past forced sex assaults me, dragging me under.
Air fails me and I’m suffocating in the fabric of my being.
He’s stealing all my color.
The virus inside me stirs and takes over, dragging me into a void of nothingness.
Void of beauty, void of love, void of hope.
I wake, coughing and sputtering, as oxygen blisters into my lungs.
“You fucking deserved that, Evi,” he spits.
I want to scream but my demons don’t allow it.
I know better than to make a sound, to protest.
On shaky legs, I make my way out of my cabin and down to the lake, and before the water has even tickled over my toes, Daniel is behind me.
“Cleansing away your sins?” he jeers, amusement in his tone.
Images of another boy, another time, expand and pop in the forefront of my mind.
I’m bending, picking up a boulder, the world’s blurring the images, becoming one.
I spin, hitting him with all the strength I have. The crack is like a symphony.
His eyes widen and the pupils expand as a swell of crimson essence blooms and begins to gush like a waterfall down his face.
His lips move but the words are incoherent.
My heart races in my chest as he staggers forward.
The small boat we take out on the lake is tied next to the pier and I quickly move to grasp hold of Daniel’s arm and guide him to the boat.
He falls with a gentle shove inside of it, his head colliding with the wooden plank used as a seat.
The snap cracks the still air and excites me.
That broke his neck.
“You fucking deserved that, Daniel.” I mimic his words and untie the rope bounding the boat to shore. I give the boat a push using all my weight and hop inside, sitting on Daniel’s back, using the paddle to get us far enough out that no one will see us.
When all that accompanies me is the static air and the motionless water, I use the paddle to smash a hole in the side of the boat, letting water pour in.
Jumping into the water, I pull down on the side of the boat, helping it along to fill and capsize.
Daniel’s body hits the water with a splash and then it swallows him up, sinking him into his dark, deep depths.
The boat follows him under, cleaning away the blood.
The torment of his act leaves my soul twisted and my heart scorched, the ash settling in my eyes and distorting the beauty the world has to offer, all the healing tainted.
All that was possibly now seems pointless and unachievable because anger and disgust has infiltrated my bones, my marrow, my soul; it’s all I see.
I swim fast, strong strokes, and when I leave the water, I’m someone new.
I killed him.
I killed Daniel.
He raped me.
He evoked old thoughts of another time. Luke.
I need my memories back. I need to know what I am, what I’ve done.
Staggering back outside, Doctor Edward and Max are waiting for me, but Leroy and Jacqueline are not in sight.
The water beckons and whispers my secrets to me.
“How are you feeling, Evi?” Edward asks, and Max is moving towards me, wrapping me in the safety of his arms.
“I did something bad,” I whisper against his chest.
“It doesn’t matter.”
My will spasms, my fight between victim and perpetrator rage like a war inside the fragmented pieces of my cranium.
“I need to go to Garret.”
“Okay, then let’s go.”
“I can help you if you’re willing to stay and let me,” Edward tells me, and I wonder if everything that transpired between us was made up in my imaginary world.
I don’t trust my own version of things and don’t want to talk to him.
I need Garret; it’s time to go back. Go back to the beginning.