Sasha

 

Zane left to make some calls in the morning, and when he came back, he told me Asa had been committed. What was more surprising was that she had committed herself. Since I hadn’t pressed charges on her—yet—I doubted they would have had enough on her to keep her incarcerated, let alone sent to a mental hospital. But she’d surprised us all and decided to get professional help.

 

That knowledge, strange as it was, helped me come to terms a little bit more with the attack. I felt more at peace with it because it had clearly been the wake-up call that Asa needed. That was what I suspected, anyway. In truth, who knew what had been the straw on the camel’s back with her? What had finally sent her to rock bottom?

 

“Can we go visit her?” I asked.

 

Zane frowned at me. “She tried to stab you in the neck.”

 

I nodded. “I know, but I want to go see her.” I shrugged. “She must be very lonely. I think it would be good for her to know that there are people out there who really want her to get better.”

 

I was still lying in bed, half turned over on my side to face the door. Zane had dressed to go outside to make his calls, but I was still comfortably naked. He eyed my body with admiration before his gaze landed on me. The admiration stayed.

 

“You’re another world and a million miles away, you know that?” he asked.

 

I snorted. “Another world and a million miles away from what?”

 

Zane joined me on the bed, scooping me into his arms and cradling me against his chest. “From her, from me, from everything I’ve ever known.”

 

“I’m right here,” I said. “Which is right beside you, less than a foot away. If I’ve got my distances right.”

 

He shook his head, nuzzling into my shoulder. His stubble scrubbed at my skin, and I let out a pleased murmur. He tightened his grip.

 

“We can go see her if you want to,” he said. “I’ll warn you, though—I’m not sure how well she’ll take the visit. I told her something yesterday that I think might have helped send her off the deep end.”

 

“What was that?” I asked.

 

“That the baby couldn’t possibly be mine. Because of my vasectomy.”

 

The words hit me a lot harder than I thought they would. I hadn’t realized, until now, how much I wanted to have kids with Zane. Not that vasectomies weren’t reversible, but surely if he’d had one so young it meant he didn’t want to have kids, right?

 

“Right,” I said, regaining composure. “She already knew that it wasn’t possible for her to be pregnant with your baby though. She just didn’t know you knew.”

 

“I guess.” He snuggled in closer to me. I was completely surrounded by his heat like he was the warmest and most comforting blanket money could buy.

 

Would a guy like Zane want kids? It felt too soon to be asking since I didn’t want to scare him off, but it was something I began to wonder in earnest. I had always wanted kids to some extent, but it hadn’t been something I’d thought about in relationships. On the contrary, it’s been a topic I had been keen to avoid. But now, with him… Well, there weren’t many topics I wanted to avoid. I wanted all of him, every single secret, lie, and worry. I wanted him to want me as much as I wanted him, but I wasn’t sure he did. I knew he cared about me, maybe even had strong feelings, but it seemed too good to be true to think that a man as perfect as him would be all-in for me at the same time as I was all-in for him.

 

We were quiet the whole drive to the care facility. It seemed nice enough from the outside, creamy white walls and a clean parking lot. The sliding glass doors whooshed open as we walked up, buffeting me with a blast of air.
There were several areas of the facility, and Zane had gotten the details from Niles as to which part Asa was in. He directed me there now, though we took a couple wrong turns on the way. I’d never actually been to a mental health facility, so I didn’t exactly know what to expect. It was quiet, though. Peaceful. It was the kind of place I could really see someone getting a good rest in, which was all I wanted for Asa.

 

A nurse led us to Asa’s door, going ahead of us to quietly inform Asa we were here. She didn’t immediately start screaming, which was a good enough sign for me that we were clear for entry. I hadn’t known what to expect from her either, especially after Zane’s warning.

 

Asa was seated in a chair by a small window that overlooked the garden out front. She was wearing plain blue linen scrubs, her hair tied back from her face. I’d never seen her without makeup before, but she wasn’t wearing any now. She still looked gorgeous, though her eyes had lost some of their ferocity. I wasn’t sure whether that was because of the lack of makeup or just because she’d hit rock bottom.

 

“Hey, Asa,” I greeted.

 

Zane was less than pleased about being there. I was grateful for him coming with me, but I wasn’t going to force him to interact with her more than he felt comfortable with.

 

“Hi.”

 

It wasn’t a welcoming hello, nor was it a “get the fuck out.” I decided I would take it.

 

There were a couple chairs by the wall, and I dragged them over to sit with her by the window. Zane hung back for a moment, but finally decided he would rather be beside me while I was with her then leave me alone.

 

“I’m really proud of you,” I said gently.

 

She frowned. “I don’t need your approval.” Her voice was like shards of glass. Perhaps the ferocity hadn’t vacated those eyes at all but was just taking a break.

 

Zane tensed beside me, and I tried to will him with my thoughts to calm down. What did he think would happen? I doubted she was going to try to attack me in here. She was here for a reason. Those days were behind her.

 

“Of course you don’t,” I agreed. “But I just wanted you to know that I’m on your side.”

 

She sniffed. “If you were really on my side, you wouldn't have stolen my boyfriend.”

 

It wasn’t going quite as well as I’d hoped, but I supposed it could be worse. She could have refused to see us. There was clearly something she wanted to say if she let us in here. I decided to wait for her to say it. She could have as much time as she needed.

 

Asa turned her head and looked back out the window. The sky was bright and cheerful outside, filling the small garden with morning light. A couple of the patients were tending to it with small shovels as their attendants watched on. I figured gardening was probably a pretty relaxing, zen pursuit. Not everyone was here because they needed to calm down, but for those who did I bet having a garden was a valuable resource. I wondered if Asa would take up gardening any time soon.

 

“The food here isn’t bad,” Asa said, eyes still directed toward the window. “It’s not as good as Graham’s though.” She turned back to us. “Did you know he cooked?”

 

Both Zane and I shook our heads. She turned away again. “He was a great cook. Every night he’d put something new in front of me, and it always tasted so damn good.” She laughed, but it was cold. “I used to belittle him for it.”

 

That didn’t surprise me at all, but here was no place for a snarky retort. I began to wonder just how many layers of pain this girl hid under all that anger and drama.

 

“He still kept cooking, even though I said awful, awful things.” Her gaze turned skyward as if talking to her ex-lover herself. “I never realized I was going to lose him one day. Never thought that I would lose the opportunity to fix the mistakes I’d made.”

 

“Asa.” I think Zane’s voice surprised all three of us. “He loved you. You didn’t need to make things right with him.”

 

“But I should have.” Her eyes were cold as they turned back to us. I don’t know why I expected tears from her. I bet she could summon them up in an instant if it served her purposes, but I doubt she ever cried beyond that.

 

“I’ve made so many mistakes in my life. So many. And I need to start atoning for them.” She smirked. “Do you like that word? Atone? It’s one I learned here. Atonement. Atoning. It’s my bread and fucking butter now.”

 

It was time for me to speak up again. Or try to, at least. “Asa, you don’t need to atone for anything right now,” I said. “For now you should just focus on getting better.”

 

She nodded, sighing. “Yeah, that’s what the doctors said. Basically those exact words. But I figured I can start small and work from there.”

 

I hoped she didn’t consider us on the small side of the atonement spectrum, but by the look on her face she did. I supposed she wasn’t ready yet to understand the full implications of her actions. I didn’t blame her for it. She had probably been stewing about Graham’s death, under all that facade, since the very day he died. It would take her some time to come to terms with what she did to us, with what she had tried to do. She tried to end my life and tried to chain up Zane for his.

 

“Well I think that’s good,” I said.

 

She shot me a warning glare, reminding me that she didn’t need my approval. I had to laugh.

 

“I will say,” she admitted, “I’d never felt as listened to before as I did when you were being my fake doctor.”

 

I gave a genuine smile. If I had even the smallest part to play in her recovery, I was happy with it. “You deserve someone to listen to you.”

 

“And now I’ve got a whole hospital of staff,” she said, extending her arms in an uncharacteristically jubilant expression. “They’ll be tired of listening to me before long.”

 

“Is there anything else you want to say to me now, while I’m here?” I glanced at Zane. “To us?”

 

She was fighting an internal battle, judging by her face. I watched the muscles furrow and jolt over her jaw, her forehead, her cheeks. She wanted to say something, but she didn’t. Maybe she just wasn’t ready. But we were ready, whatever it was. I was ready.

 

“I guess I should probably tell you guys that the pregnancy was fake,” she said eventually, each word seeming more painful to her than the last. “I made it up.”

 

Zane was gracious about her admittance. “Thank you for coming clean,” he said.
I stayed silent. This was their business now. And maybe if they forgot I was in the room, Asa would reveal a little more.

 

She was still looking out the window, too uncomfortable to meet either of our gazes. Zane didn’t try to urge her. I think he was trying the same tactic as me. Eventually, Asa huffed a sigh and said, “Everything got so fucked after Graham died. I was so screwed up and scared, and I thought nobody would ever love me again.” She looked down at her hands, the chipped red nail polish flaking away under her trembling, picking fingers. “Zane, you were the most stable guy I knew. You really have your shit together. And I thought with our history, it would be easy to get you to stay with me once you knew I was pregnant.”

 

Except he hadn’t believed it for a second. It might not have been a bad plan, with anyone else. Well, it was a horrible plan no matter who she had tried it out on. But it might have worked. That was the scary part.

 

“I understand,” Zane said, even though I wasn’t sure he ever really would. “I’m still very sorry for your loss.”

 

A tear began to snake down Asa’s cheek. She wiped it away with the back of her hand like it was dirt on her skin. “I want to get better. It’s going to take a lot of work, but I can’t live like this.”

 

Those were the best words I had ever heard her say. I wanted her to be better too. So did Zane, if he could get past all his rage toward her for hurting me. He hadn’t explicitly said he wanted to throttle her, but I had a feeling it was what went through his head most of the time now.

 

“I think you will get better if you try,” Zane said. He reached out a hand as if to place it on top of hers, but halted halfway. I gave him a reassuring nod, and he got the rest of the way.

 

Asa didn’t look at us the rest of the time in her room, and we left pretty quickly when the silence began to lengthen. I had a feeling that girl needed a good cry, and I didn’t think she would be able to stop herself from killing us if we bore witness to it.

 

The walk back to the parking lot was solemn. Neither of us was sad, but I think we were both very pensive. I was thinking about how much I truly hadn’t known about Asa, and how sad I was for her. I didn’t know what Zane was thinking about, but it kept him very quiet.

 

I kicked a stone across the parking lot once we’d reached the outdoors, watching it skitter across the ground toward Zane’s bike. It was hot outside, but there was just the faintest bit of breeze that tumbled through my hair and lifted it away from my sweating head.

 

“I have something I want to ask you,” Zane said, stopping with a hand on my arm. “Something that I wanted to ask you back in Rayne, before everything got crazy.”

 

He dropped onto his knee in front of me, right on the pavement in front of the doors, and my hands flew to my gaping mouth. “Zane!” I cried. “You can’t be serious!”
His devilish grin was my only answer until he pulled the small, velvet box from his pocket and opened it in offering to me. I nearly squealed, my heart beating a wicked tattoo on the back of my ribs.

 

“I am dead serious,” Zane said. “Life is too short, and I already know with my entire being that I will love you to the end of my days.” He pulled the ring from the box and raised it up toward me. The only thing that was missing was my finger inside of it. “Sasha, I’ve loved you from the moment I set eyes on you in that little flower shop. You’re everything to me. I need you with me always.” He smiled. “Marry me?”

 

I laughed, giddy with excitement. “I never pictured being proposed to on the steps of an asylum,” I said. “Talk about crazy.”

 

Zane chuckled. “Nobody ever accused me of not being crazy. Is that a yes?”

 

“Of course that’s a yes!” I practically shrieked. “A million times yes, Zane!”

 

I stretched my hand out to receive the ring. It was a perfect fit.

 

He rose back to his feet and took me in his arms, spinning me around as I giggled like a maniac. My brain was wiped clean of everything except pure, undiluted joy. I was going to be Zane’s forever, and he was going to be mine.

 

“Now, I thought we could go to the hospital to see your mom. Tell her the news,” he said. “But there’s something I have to do first.”

 

“Can I come?” I asked brightly.

 

He shook his head, and I pouted. “You’re going to leave your fiancée alone on the day of your engagement?”
He laughed, pulling me tighter against his chest. “It won’t take me long. But I’ll give you something to chew on while I wait.”

 

I raised a brow, skeptical. His word choice had my mind going elsewhere…

 

“Not like that, you pervert,” he chided. “But kind of related to that.” He looked almost nervous, backing away from me and taking my hand. “I want to get the vasectomy reversed. I want to get out of this life, out of New Orleans, and start something new with you, Sasha.”

 

My legs turned to gelatin beneath me. It was a wonder I kept standing. “Are you serious?”

 

The thought of getting Zane without getting all the other shit that currently went with him—danger, deceit, crazy ex-girlfriends—was like a dream come true. I loved Zane, but I didn’t love everything about his life the way it currently was. But that was all going to change.

 

“Again,” he said, mirth evident in his tone. “Dead serious.”

 

“And you’re not just doing this for me? I don’t want you to do this just for me!”
He shook his head, drawing me close to him again. “I’ve always wanted a different life. I wanted a family, somewhere quiet. Away from all the club shit that’s been dogging me since high school. And I’ve never wanted it more than I want it now, with you.”

 

The prickling of tears in the corners of my eyes made me bury my face in his chest. There were still obstacles to overcome; my mom’s surgery and the problem of getting into a doctoral program without a reference, to begin with. But I felt that I could do anything with Zane. We had already overcome so much together. Who knew which adventure would come next?