Claudia

I made it four blocks before my eyes started to burn. Another block and my hands were trembling. By the time I hit the block with our apartments, my knees shook so badly, I had to stop. I squatted, hand on a tree trunk for balance.

I sucked in giant gulps of air. I didn't even know what was wrong with me, why I felt sick or why tears welled up in my eyes. So what if Olivia knew I was sleeping with AJ? So what if everyone else did too? It didn't change anything with us.

So why did it feel like it changed everything?

Today needed to go away and never come back. It was a stupid day with my stupid assumptions about my job and stupid Olivia. I needed to go home and watch TV until bed.

"Claudia!"

I closed my eyes and willed AJ to go away. I knew he'd follow me, but I didn't want to talk to him right now. I had nothing to say. But I was so confused and upset, I'd end up saying something stupid. Like telling him I'd fallen hard for him. And I didn't even know if he was staying.

A few months ago, when he still thought he had a shot at the USA swimming team, and he was still with Olivia, who got a job in Indiana to go with him, I'd hated the idea that he might leave. But I knew it was because he was pursuing his lifelong dream.

But now…it was so different. It was a new dream. One he maybe could pursue in Milwaukee. So if he left now—

"Hey." AJ bent over so he was closer to my level. "You OK?"

No. "Yeah. I'm fine. Just catching my breath."

He straightened and held out a hand to help me up. I took it, and even that small touch warmed me from the inside out. In the shadows from the streetlight behind him, I could barely read his expression, but he was looking down at me, mouth a tight line.

Then his hand was in my hair and he pulled me against him and kissed me. Rough and possessive, his lips owned mine as his tongue swept into my mouth, marking its territory.

It shouldn't have, but god, it turned me on. I sagged against his chest and wrapped my arms around him, returning his kiss but letting him control it. He tugged on my hair to angle my head how he wanted it, and the pull shot excitement deep into my belly. Yes. I needed him to want me this badly. I needed to not be alone in this.

I moaned into him and scraped my teeth over the inside of his lower lip. He responded with his own moan and somehow kissed me even deeper. Like he wanted to climb inside me, like owning my mouth wasn't enough.

Yes.

When he had me so thoroughly under his power I could barely stand, he drew back and cupped my face with his hands. His expression was fierce as he looked into my eyes, like he needed me to understand exactly what that kiss was saying.

And I did.

My hands settled on his waist; it was a struggle not to dig my nails into him, to clutch at him so he could never escape.

"I hope you understand." His voice was tight, harsh in a way I'd never heard from him.

I nodded, my throat too constricted to speak.

"I will never, ever be with Olivia again."

Ice slid down my spine, spreading outward until the cold prickled over my skin and through my veins. That kiss, that amazing, perfect kiss that I'd thought meant everything, that I thought was about me, was about Olivia. That he could kiss me like that and have her anywhere near his thoughts hurt. A burning pain in my chest that I didn't know what to do with.

I untangled myself from him and turned toward our building. "I know. It's over."

"Claudia, wait."

I heard the confusion in his voice, then his footsteps as he caught up with me.

"I said something wrong."

At least he got that much.

I dug in my pocket for my key, but he had his out before I could find mine. So I waited as he unlocked the door, staring at my feet because I didn't trust myself to look anywhere else.

Once inside, I moved around him toward the stairs. I heard him pause at his own apartment door, then follow me up. Part of me wanted to crawl into his arms, take him to my bed, and silence all my thoughts. Part of me wanted to tell him to go to his own bed, alone, because nothing good could come of us talking tonight.

But I did neither. I simply flopped onto the couch and reached for the remote. And stared, unseeing, at the screen as I scrolled the choices on Netflix.

He sat, but remained perched on the edge of the cushion rather than sinking in next to me. The burn inside grew, the pain so intense I could hardly take a breath.

"What's going on, Claudia? I feel like I missed something. Are you mad that people figured out we're…together?"

In the periphery, I saw his hand reach out. Just before he put it on my leg, he drew back.

Another rip in my already shredded heart. God, how could I have been so stupid as to fall for him? I'd known him almost four years, but now, in just a few weeks, I'd changed everything again. I couldn't be just friends with him anymore.

"No, I don't care if they know. I just…." How did I even begin to explain what I was thinking? I couldn't tell him what I was feeling, because clearly he wasn't falling for me the same way.

I let myself meet his gaze, and his brown eyes were so familiar, yet I saw something there, an intensity I didn't understand. It made him feel like a stranger.

"You don't even know where you're going to be in a few months."

The words popped out of my mouth before I knew I was going to say them. But once they started, they kept tumbling out. I felt helpless to stop them so I didn't try.

"You told me Olivia was easy, and you stayed with her because it was easy, and she took care of you. You made decisions based on that. Big decisions. And look what happened to you two." I tossed my hand in the general vague direction of McSomething's.

"OK," AJ said cautiously, like he didn't know where this conversation was going.

Which made two of us. But the words kept coming. "I can't be another Olivia. I don't want you to pick a school based on where I am." Or worse, consider a school because I was there, and ultimately pick the other. "I think…"

He sat up straighter and his expression turned hard. I'd never seen him look like that. I'd seen him angry; I'd even seen him angry at me. But this was different. This was like he didn't know me.

"I think we maybe need to take a step back. For a few weeks. Until you make your decision." Every word I spoke was like a knife slicing its way out of my throat. I didn't want to go a day without AJ. How would I survive weeks? Worse, months. Or forever.

I bit down hard on the inside of my cheek. Maybe physical pain would distract me from the pain of the words I still had to say. "You need to make this decision without considering me as a factor."

If he chose one of the other schools, not UWM, it would mean I wasn't enough of a reason to stay. Because if one of the programs itself was so much better, he'd have already picked it. All else being equal, I wanted to matter enough to him to outweigh any small benefit Miami or Indiana held.

I couldn't handle it if I didn't matter.

"What? How…I don't even know how to do that."

"We're just friends, when it comes down to it." God, what a horrible lie. But as far as he was concerned, we still were. "You aren't thinking about Huan or Sean or Rob when you decide. So if we give ourselves some distance for a few weeks, it shouldn't be a big deal."

I couldn't look at him. If I did, the pain would cut its way to the surface and I would cave. I would take back everything. I would throw myself into his arms and beg him not to go. Beg him not to even think about it.

"You really think it won't be a big deal?" His voice sounded hollow. And cold. So cold I wanted to shiver.

Nodding, I bit my lips so hard I tasted blood. But it kept me from blurting out that I didn't mean any of it.

I was so absorbed in my misery, his lips were on mine before it registered that he'd moved. His tongue shoved into my mouth, his hands holding my face so tightly it almost hurt. His kiss was rough and angry and held all the frustration he apparently felt.

I wanted to believe his feelings stemmed from a desire to be with me. But everything was so new, I didn't trust it. And my head was spinning in so many circles, I didn't trust that either.

With a frustrated sound, he jerked back and stared down at me. His breathing was heavy, his chest nearly heaving.

"It's just a little break," I managed to say. "Some breathing room while everything else is so crazy."

His mouth twisted into a humorless smile. "We're on a break?"

Of course he was making a Friends joke. Because he wanted to destroy any tiny part of me that didn't already hurt.

But it would hurt so much worse if he left me. Or if he chose Milwaukee because I was a replacement for Olivia. I had to do this.

I forced a smile. "Just don't sleep with the copy shop girl."

Expression grim, he rose and started for the door. "Except we've never been Ross and Rachel. We were Chandler and Monica."

I forced myself to stay on the couch instead of running to him and throwing myself into his arms. I wanted them around me more than I'd wanted anything in my life.

Movements stiff, he jerked open the apartment door. "Guess I have some decision making to do. Then we'll talk."

I waited until I could no longer hear his footsteps on the stairs before I let the tears flow.

* * *

AJ

Instead of going into my apartment, I headed out the front door of the building, into the warm night. I didn't know what time it was, but it had to be after 10:00. But this close to campus, even in summer, the street was busy. Cars and people and noise.

My feet started moving, pounding at the sidewalk, faster and faster as I dodged people without really seeing them. I didn't know where I was going, so I followed wherever my strides led.

I wasn't pissed, exactly. I mean, I was angry that she didn't trust me not to see her the way I saw Olivia. But I could understand it. I hated that she thought I cared so little for her that I could make this decision without considering her as a factor.

But I'd seen fear in her eyes, mixed up with all the other emotions we'd both been feeling. And that I understood far too well.

I didn't know when it happened, but somewhere we'd moved way past friends with benefits. I'd fallen hard for her. I might even have fallen in love with her. But I hadn't figured out how to tell her.

It didn't take long before I found myself down by Lake Michigan, running along the path parallel to the beach. I veered onto the sand and jogged down to the water.

The air was still, so there were almost no waves. Just calm, rippling black as far east as I could see. I stared out there, my eyes landing on the faint light of a distant boat. I tracked its progress as it moved south.

Maybe it was good for Claudia and me to have some breathing room. Things had gotten so intense so fast. We could each sort out our feelings and our job situations.

Now I just had to figure out how I could possibly make one of the biggest decisions of my life without factoring in the woman I was pretty sure I loved.