Chapter 16
Alexa
Sometimes the pain and the grief got so bad that I couldn’t breathe. All I wanted to do was forget what had happened to Dalton and move on. But then there were people like Sam who kept bringing back the memories, and I was smothered by a panic attack all over again.
I knew what Luke was trying to do. I didn’t blame him. I knew he was trying to tie up all the loose ends and give us some kind of closure so we could move forward. It just made it all that much harder.
But Luke made it better, too. When he held me the way he held me now, I felt like nothing could touch me. In Luke’s arms, I was safe. He had come straight away when I’d called him about the note, and he’d been making sure I was safe and taking care of me since Dalton had passed away.
Luke’s arms were so thick and strong. They reminded me of Hunter’s arms. He had wrapped them around my body like I had been so delicate, so petite.
Guilt swirled in the pit of my stomach, and I suddenly felt bad that I’d been with a stranger.
But that was absurd. I didn’t owe Luke anything other than returned friendship and support when he needed it. My love life—or sex life rather—belonged to me, and he had his own. There was no reason for me to worry about what I’d done.
I was just in a bad place emotionally. I felt the way I did because Luke was there for me when I was falling apart.
We’d just found out that someone who had been close to Dalton knew exactly what had happened to him. We were so close to knowing that the story about the mugging had been a lie. It was throwing me off, making me paranoid about everything in my life, and that was why I doubted what had happened in the private room at Blush with a man who had given me exactly what I’d wanted.
Almost.
I finally pulled away from Luke and wiped my cheeks with the bottom of my shirt.
“Sorry,” I said.
Luke shook his head. “Don’t be sorry,” he said. “This is hard for everyone.”
I nodded. “What are we going to do?” I asked.
“I told you,” Luke said. “I’ll go see Sam tomorrow at noon, like I promised, and hear what he has to say.”
I shook my head. “Just like that? What if something goes wrong?”
“I think it will be okay,” he said. “I trust Sam. He really cared about Dalton, too. He won’t lead me into a trap.”
Luke sounded confident, but I wasn’t sure.
“We should go to the police” I said.
“What? No.” Luke sounded adamant. “We can’t do that.”
“Why not? This is about a murder, Luke. The police are the best people for the job.”
Luke shook his head. “Sam is in trouble because of this. If we get the police involved, he might die, too. Plus, we have nothing concrete to tell the cops. We don’t know anything for sure yet.”
“So what then? You go in there, guns blazing, with no backup? What if something happens to you, too?”
I realized I was terrified of that. I couldn’t afford to lose more people I cared about.
“Please, Luke,” I pleaded. “Let’s just call the cops.”
Luke shook his head. “I can’t do that, Lex. I can’t put him in danger. He deserves me being loyal to him.”
I blinked at Luke. “Loyal?” I asked. “What’s loyal about knowing that Dalton was killed over something and not getting the police involved?”
Luke shook his head. “I know you’re upset, but you know it’s not about that. Dalton was like a brother to me, but I can’t sacrifice Sam just because I want to get this over and done with.”
I was angry, and I didn’t know why. I couldn’t be angry with Luke because he was making sense. I was the one who wasn’t making sense. I was a fraction away from being hysterical. We sat together in silence for a while. I tried to pull myself together.
Something occurred to me. “Do you think the note ties into this?” I asked.
Luke looked at me with his icy blue eyes. “I don’t know,” he said.
“That wasn’t a no,” I said.
“And it wasn’t a yes.”
“But it wasn’t a no,” I repeated, and I felt panic creeping up on me again. “Luke, what the hell am I going to do? What if they come after me?”
I was losing it. Luke pulled me closer to him again.
“It’s going to be okay, Lex. I won’t let anything happen to you, okay? I’m going to take care of you, protect you.”
I heard his words, and they should have made me feel better, but they didn’t. I felt like he was hiding something from me. I didn’t know what, and that scared me even more. I didn’t want to keep pushing. I didn’t want to sound like a crazy person who couldn’t keep it together because she’d lost her brother.
Besides, Luke had lost Dalton, too. They’d grown up together. He’d been as close to Dalton as I’d been, perhaps even closer. I couldn’t expect him to keep it together all the time when I was falling apart and add accusations to it, too.
The rest of the day dragged by slowly. After we cleared up the uneaten doughnuts and the cold coffee, I told Luke he could watch television while I took a shower.
In the shower, I turned the heat up as high as I could manage. The water hit my skin like searing needles, pushing everything away so that I was numb and the only pain I felt was on my skin.
I stayed in the shower until the water ran cold, then got out and wrapped a towel around my body and another around my hair. When I looked in the mirror, I looked different. It was still me, but my skin looked too pale and my eyes seemed larger than they should have been. I pulled my hair out of the towel, and that dark mass was a stark contrast to the white of the bathroom, the white towels, and my pasty skin. I had circles under my eyes, as if I hadn’t slept in a while.
I touched my lips, and for a moment I flashed back to the sensation I’d felt when I’d been with Hunter. It had only been last night, but it felt like it was part of a different life now.
When I was dressed, I walked back into the living room. Luke lay on the couch, watching sports. His arms were folded over his chest, his eyes fixed on the screen, and it looked like he was only using the television to zone out. He wasn’t paying attention to what was happening on the screen.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
Luke turned his eyes to me, unfolded his arms, and nodded.
“Yeah. I was just thinking.”
“About what?” I asked. “Sam?”
Luke nodded. “I’m just trying to figure out what he wants to talk to me about. He said he had information about Dalton. It’s nerve-racking.”
“Why?” I asked, sitting next to him.
“Because I know I’m mad about what happened to Dalton, and I don’t like that I don’t even know what it was, but there’s safety in not knowing—physically, as I’m starting to see with these gangs, and emotionally.”
I blinked at him, not sure what he was saying.
“I’m worried about what I’ll find out, that I won’t like what I hear. Don’t you think that sometimes it’s better not to know?”
I didn’t know what to say to that.