I stand in the doorway and stare as Sophia lowers River into her crib. I’m not surprised that the little girl could barely keep her eyes open at the dinner table. She played hard at the park this afternoon. I was committed to making sure she had the time of her life. After all, she and I have a lot of catching up to do.

I’m a father.

The thought puts a huge smile on my face. Finally, I have a purpose. I don’t need to wander around, searching for my place in the world. I’ve found it.

These two beautiful girls. Sophia and River. My family.

I would kill for them. I would lay down my life to protect them. I feel like my life is finally worth a damn.

Sophia’s breath stutters when she steps away from the crib and sees me standing there. “Hi…” she whispers.

“Hi…” My heart gallops just looking at her. She’s barefoot and wearing a tank top and tiny satin shorts with her hair flowing down her back. She couldn’t look more perfect if she tried.

I know she feels terrible that she hid River from me and I won’t lie—it stings. But my love for her is too big to hold a grudge.

I pull her to my chest and wrap my arms around her. I breathe in her scent. Beautiful wildflowers.

She kisses my collarbone and laces her fingers with mine. “Come. I want to show you something.”

I let her lead me down the hallway to her bedroom. Or our bedroom, I guess I should say. She instructs me to sit on the bed and she drops to her knees to dig into the back of her closet.

Finally, she emerges with a big shoe box, overflowing with papers. She sits next to me and pulls back the lid.

She hands me a small, clear plastic bag with a little brown thing inside. It looks like a piece of turd.

“What is this?” I ask skeptically as I accept it from her hand.

“It’s River’s umbilical cord stump.”

My eyes widen as I pinch the plastic between my fingers and hold it far away from me. “What the hell? Why would you keep that?”

She laughs and shrugs a shoulder as she takes it away from me. “Some cultures think it’s good luck. And personally, I think it’s special.” She holds it up and looks at it through the plastic. “This cord is what connected us to each other. For nine months, that cord was her lifeline. Maybe I’m just overly sentimental, but it means something to me.”

I nod in understanding as she sets the cord aside and rifles through the box again.

She hands me a string of black and white printouts of an alien lying on its back. I grin. “Ultrasound pictures?”

“Yeah.” She peeks over my shoulder to check the date. “These are from her twelve week scan. I should have more recent ones. Maybe at the bottom of the box.”

Sophia digs around some more. “Her birth certificate. River Antonia Gallo.” She wears a bittersweet smile as she hands the thick piece of paper to me. My heart splinters when I see the space next to Father’s name is empty.

Fuck, I’m so, so sorry.

I’m here now. And I’ll make that count. I’ll do everything in my power to be the father that little girl deserves. The partner Sophia deserves.

She shoves her hand to the bottom of the box and comes up with a simple spiral-bound notebook. The pale pink cover is falling off and the corners are dog-eared. She sucks down a big breath then turns to me and smiles. “Okay, this…this is personal.” She brushes her fingers along the cover. “This is my pregnancy journal. It’s basically all of my rambling thoughts, my worries, my hopes. Everything that I was thinking and feeling during my pregnancy.” She bites down on her lip and then confesses. “I was really lonely when I was pregnant. I was too depressed to talk a lot. So, I spent a lot of time journaling my feelings.” She sighs. “I’ve got to warn you—I never expected anyone to read this. Maybe River in 20 years. Aside from that, this journal was supposed to be private.” She takes my hand. “But I want to share it with you. Because it was the most important journey of my life and you weren’t there to share it with me and I just want to give you a glimpse into what it was like.”

I close my eyes and breathe in through my mouth. I can’t believe that she’d share this with me. I’ve been struggling to come to grips with how much of River’s life I’ve missed. It breaks me to know how many moments we’ll never get back but I feel so privileged that Sophia is willing to give me access to her thoughts in this way. It almost feels too sacred, too intimate.

“Are you sure you want me to see this?” I place my hand on top of hers and squeeze.

She nods, biting down on her lip as I take the notebook into my hand.

I look at her and smirk. “Are there any juicy tidbits about me in there?”

“Oh, yeah,” she says with a grin. “There are pages and pages and pages of stuff about you in there. All good stuff, though.”

I laugh and pull her close to put a kiss on her scalp. “Thank you,” I say. “Thank you, Daisy.”

She sits patiently beside me as I carefully comb through the journal, page by page. Together, we relive the good days and the bad days, the highs and the lows, the milestones and the fears. She shows me pictures of her pregnant belly and selfies of her with newborn River. And by the time we’re halfway through it, I’m so involved in it. Fully invested.

Sophia lays her head on my shoulder as I’m flipping through the final pages. “I know this doesn’t make up for all the time you lost but I just want to bring you into the experience in any way I can think of.”

Words at the bottom of the last page catch my attention. My gaze shoots over to Sophia. “You had to have an emergency C-section?”

She nods. “Yes, I was careless, I guess, and I ended up having a bit of an accident.”

“What do you mean?”

“Let’s just say, I’ve been trying to open that daycare center for a very long goddamned time.” She laughs. “Back then, I’d found a really cheap location on the industrial side of town. I was putting the finishing touches on it so I could have the official opening. But there was a gas leak in one of the neighboring buildings.” She trembles as she tells the story. “My sister’s husband, Ben, found me unconscious and got me to the hospital just in time. When I got there, I was in such bad shape, they had to perform a C-section right away.”

Every part of me aches with regret just hearing that. I gather her up in my arms and hold her to me. I press kisses to her temple. “I’m so sorry, Daisy. I’m so sorry I wasn’t here for you through all this. I’m sorry you had to face it on your own.”

Her hands anchor my arms in place, like she never wants me to let go. “I’m just glad you’re here, now.”

“I love you.” Those are the only words that feel adequate right now.

I spread her out on the bed and I take off all her clothes. She grabs my hand and draws my fingers along the smooth faded C-section scar that I never even noticed. My heart catches in my chest. This woman had my baby. The thought is overwhelming.

I lay her bare and order her to grab hold of the headboard. I kiss every inch of her body. I take my time and with my tongue, I taste every part of her. She writhes and moans for me. Completely vulnerable, she lets me have every piece of her.

And then, I crawl on top of her and with my pants clinging to my hips, I fuck her. Nice and slow. I draw out every sensation just to see her drowning in pleasure at my hands.

When she’s come three times, I drop to the mattress beside her and hold her tight to my body.

“What are you thinking about?” she asks with her arms draped around my waist.

“I was thinking we need some time together. Just me and you.” I press a kiss to her scalp. “I don’t know how you feel about that?”

She looks up in my face and grins. “Next weekend? Yes. Yes, we should do that.”

“Good.” I press my lips to hers.

“Good.” She places her head on my chest and brushes her lips over my skin. “I love you, Archie.”

“Baby, you have no idea how much I love you.”

She hugs me tighter. “Now, sleep.”

The command is simple enough but I just can’t get to that on this restless night.

And as the moon peeks in through the curtains, I try to beat back the worry clawing into my mind, I convince myself that nothing could ever tear my family apart now that I’m here to protect them. Despite the shocks of electricity moving up and down my left side, I convince myself that we have a solid foundation. That the four walls around us and the roof hanging over our heads is more than just a house of cards.