She was crazy, insane, a certifiable whack job. She shouldn’t be here. He wouldn’t forgive her. What was she thinking?

That was the state of her mind. The fog covered up logical thinking. Her heart rate refused to slow, and she was slightly light-headed as she stood outside the country club. Inside those beautiful wooden doors was a wedding that she had no right to be at. She didn’t know the couple. She was late. Heck, she was only wearing a pair of jeans and a simple sweater with a jacket.

But she was there for Josh, and what he’d said to her after the ball in Columbus stuck in her mind. He liked the person she was now, and this was it. She’d worn her glasses instead of her contacts and hadn’t done anything fancy with her hair. It was her statement to him.

She remembered.

She’d never forget.

Taylor look down at the message on her phone for the millionth time.

I miss you, Tay.

There was a lot she wanted to say to him, but that would be face-to-face. So, her only response was: I miss you too.

White floodlights pointed towards the sky on either side of the doors, illuminating the stone pillars that marked the entrance. It was intimidating.

She had to force her feet to move forward, inch by inch. Pulling open the heavy door, she stepped into the grand entryway. Halls veered off in every direction and signs told her where she wanted to go if her desire was to swim, play tennis or golf, go to the spa, or eat. Then there was another sign directing her to the various ballrooms and meeting spaces. Looking at the invitation, she went towards ballroom B.

As she got closer, there were people milling about in long gowns with elaborate hairstyles and perfect makeup. For the first time, she realized she was stepping into Josh’s world. This was how he’d grown up.

She fingered the edge of her way-too-casual shirt and worried she’d made the wrong decision with the jeans. She looked so out of place, she would have laughed if she wasn’t so nervous.

Her glasses slid down her nose, and she pushed them back up as she stepped up to the door. The attendant scowled at her.

“This is a private event,” he said, scanning her from head to toe.

“I know… uh…” she stuttered, holding out the invitation. “I have this.”

He snatched it from her and examined it closely before looking back up. “This is a formal affair. I’m sorry, I’m afraid I can’t let you in there until you have more appropriate attire.”

“Please,” Taylor said. “I have to find someone. He’s one of the groomsmen.”

He didn’t believe her. She could see it in his eyes. The tiny bit of courage she’d built up started to drain out of her, deflating her mission. She didn’t know what she’d expected. Show up and Josh would just be there waiting for her?

“Is there a problem here?” a strong voice said from behind them.

“Miss Matthews, er I mean Mrs. Marks,” the attendant sputtered. “I’m sorry for the disturbance. This girl is leaving.”

Taylor turned slowly and found herself face-to-face with the bride and suddenly unable to speak. She was stunning and perfect and standing there expectantly. A curiosity sparked in her eyes, unlike the disdain she’d experienced from the attendant.

“I’ll handle this,” the bride said, shooing the attendant away before turning back to Taylor. “Sorry for the rudeness. This place is so freaking stuck-up.” When Taylor still didn’t speak, she cocked her head to the side. “Can I ask why you’d even want to crash a stuffy wedding of someone you don’t know?”

“I’m not crashing,” Taylor finally said. “Grant Mackenzie gave me this.” She handed over the invitation.

Michaela laughed suddenly. “Did he now?” She leaned close and dropped her voice. “To tell you the truth, I only invited him because I knew he wouldn’t be able to make it. I did not need to be hit on at my wedding by anyone besides my new husband.”

“Sounds like Mack.” Taylor laughed.

“He didn’t give that to you because… you’re not his girlfriend, are you?” She looked at her like that would be the most unbelievable thing in the world.

“God no!” Taylor scrunched up her face.

“I like you,” the bride laughed. “I’m Michaela, by the way.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m Taylor.”

“Well, Taylor, why did Grant send you?”

“It’s a really long story, but it’s about his roommate…”

“Wait.” Michaela covered her mouth with her hand and tried to stifle her squeal. “You’re that Taylor?”

“Uh…”

“Oh my gosh, okay, you have to come with me.” She stopped and grabbed Taylor’s arm. “You better be here to fight for him, because honey, if you break his heart at my wedding… well, I’ll just leave it at that.”

“I’m not exactly dressed to go in there,” Taylor paused, suddenly regretting all of her decisions. She should have been in a beautiful dress when he saw her. It should’ve been perfect.

“I don’t care about that,” Michaela waved off her concerns. “He won’t either. Come on.” She tugged on Taylor’s arm and they weaved their way through the crowd. She was still a few tables away when she finally saw him. He sat at the bridal table, leaning back with one leg crossed over the other. There was a smile on his face as he leaned over to listen to something a tiny blond woman was saying. He laughed, completely at ease amongst these people.

She never felt more out of place.

As much as she wanted to run, Michaela’s death grip on her arm wouldn’t let her. It was like she could read her mind.

“Hey, Maggie,” Michaela called bringing attention to them. The woman looked up, but so did Josh. He looked over them and then did a double take before bolting upright in his chair.

Taylor locked eyes with him and barely noticed anyone else anymore.

“Help me pee?” Michaela asked the woman Taylor now knew as Maggie. “This dress is a nightmare.”

Maggie looked from Josh to Taylor with a smirk on her face, and then left to follow Michaela.

“You,” Josh breathed.

“Me,” Taylor responded.

She had the sudden urge to laugh at his seeming lack of words. Or maybe it was the nerves, but she took a minute to control her laughter before looking back at him.

He wasn’t laughing.

He wasn’t even smiling.

Taylor stepped closer. She could see the vein in his neck pulsing in time with the pounding of his heart.

She searched his face for anger. For resentment. What she found in his eyes cut deeper than that. There was a deep hurt. He was in pain. A part of that was because of her. She’d never wanted to hurt him. He’d become collateral damage in her battle with her grief and she’d never forgive herself for that.

Josh slowly reached a hand towards her.

She studied him and then took it cautiously. His palm was warm against hers as he started leading her through the crowded room to a door at the back.

Fear kept Taylor silent. Fear of what Josh was going to say. Fear of what she deserved to hear. But, she needed him to speak those words; to tell her that she’d hurt him. That she’d abandoned him.

They reached the door, and a blast of cold air hit them as Josh pulled it open. Taylor shivered, glad she was in jeans rather than a dress. She took her hand from his to wrap her arms around herself, trying to regain some heat as they stepped out onto the patio. They were the only ones out here besides a solitary man smoking a cigarette. Taylor held her breath as they sidestepped the man and got upwind.

They stopped moving along the side of the building, and Josh looked down at her with a mixture of shock, uncertainty, and something else. He scanned her from head to toe, taking in her outfit with a slight tilt to the corner of his mouth. His eyes left a trail of heat wherever they traveled.

Taylor glanced at the stranger who was now stomping out his cigarette. She willed him to leave, but silently begged him to stay at the same time. She’d practiced what she was going to say to Josh. What she needed to say. She knew the words, but that didn’t make them easier to say. As long as someone else was out here with them, she wouldn’t have to.

The stranger didn’t even glance at them before striding over to the door and opening it.

As soon as the door shut, Taylor looked back up at Josh. His expression changed, all uncertainty disappearing.

“Josh,” she breathed, making herself begin the groveling. “I…”

Before she got another word out, Josh’s mouth descended into a claiming kiss. It was rough and very un-Josh like. Taylor slid her arms around his sides and pulled him closer. He responded by pinning her against the wall.

Panting, he pulled away, leaning his forehead against hers. She breathed him in, felt his body still pressed tight, and knew one thing for sure. She certainly wasn’t cold anymore.

Josh studied Taylor’s eyes and found that he couldn’t read them. Frustrated, he took a step back and blew out a long breath. Usually, everything Taylor felt was evident on her face, but she was guarding herself carefully. Protecting herself. From what? Him?

He should be mad, pissed as hell, unforgivably harsh. With her kiss still lingering on his lips, he wasn’t thinking straight. She’d left him. Ran when things got real. Despite the anger seething inside of him, all he’d wanted over the last week was to see her. To kiss her. For her to tell him that everything was going to be okay.

She reached a hand up to touch her lips and her shield dropped. Suddenly she was his Taylor again. The girl who felt everything, even while she was trying to feel nothing. The girl who was so unsure of herself, but still had this unbelievably sexy confidence. She’d come to an incredibly elegant wedding looking like she was just headed to class. And he loved that about her.

As the emotions came rushing back, so did his insane ability to look into her eyes and know what was happening in her head. They widened as he took a step forward. She was terrified, but not of him. Of what she’d done.

And it made him love her even more.

“Taylor,” he said finally.

She put a hand on his chest to stop his advance. “No,” she said. “Don’t use your ‘I’m Josh walker, sexy man-meat and all around good dude’ voice on me. I can’t take it.”

His shoulders shook with laughter and she glared at him, the light over their heads making her eyes shine behind her glasses. He couldn’t help himself, reaching forward to tuck her hair behind her ear. He needed to touch her. She swatted his hand away.

“Yell at me,” she ordered.

“No.” He narrowed his eyes in challenge.

“Tell me you hate me.”

“Can’t do that.”

“Say that I’m the worst human being on the face of the earth.”

“You’re not.”

She sagged against the wall, a tiny sob releasing into the night.

“Please, Josh.” Her voice grew small. “What I did was horrible. I am horrible.”

“I don’t believe that.” When another sob escaped her, he crossed the small distance between them and gathered her into his arms.

“I left.”

“I know.” He laughed softly. “I was there. It hurt.”

“And now I’m the one falling apart when your life has just been turned upside-down. How can you even stand to be around me right now?”

He shrugged.

“You’re seriously not mad?”

“No. Okay, maybe I was. I wanted to cut you out of my life. You have no idea the awful things I’ve thought about you this past week. But as hard as I tried, I couldn’t bring myself to hate you.” He rubbed his hands up and down her back to keep her warm.

“Why not?” She looked up at him, no more tears in her eyes.

Now or never, dude, he thought to himself as he looked at her. He always believed there were moments in life when you know exactly what to say or do, compared to the rest of the time when you’re just blundering along.

This was one of those moments. He knew he’d forgive her for anything.

“Because I love you.” He said it so softly, he was surprised she could even hear him. He’d never said it before, but the words felt natural on his tongue.

Taylor twisted around in his arms so she could see him more clearly.

“You do?” Her grin was the sweetest thing he’d ever seen.

He nodded, and she snaked her arms up around his neck before rising up on her toes to plant the softest of kisses on his lips. Too soon, she pulled away.

“That’s good then,” she breathed. “Because I love you too.”

He laughed loudly before kissing her again.

“You want to get out of here?” he asked.

“You don’t have to stay?”

“It’s practically over,” he shrugged.

“Umm …” she stammered, fidgeting with the end of her shirt. “I sort of came here quickly and didn’t book a hotel or anything.”

“That’s good, because you’re staying with me.” He grinned mischievously and she couldn’t help but laugh.

“Your parents won’t mind?”

“Trust me, they probably won’t even notice. They don’t come into my wing of the house.”

“Your… wing?” Taylor choked.

“You’ll see.” He winked as he held the door for her and they slipped inside.

Michaela found them immediately, almost as if she’d been waiting for them. She raised her eyebrows expectantly.

He smiled wide, and Michaela squealed before giving him a hug goodbye.

She surprised Taylor by wrapping her in a hug as well.

Josh went off to say the rest of his goodbyes, leaving the two girls together.

“He needs something good right now,” Michaela said when he was out of earshot.

“I’m not going anywhere this time,” Taylor responded.

“I don’t think it’s all truly hit him yet.”

“No,” Taylor agreed. “I didn’t expect this happy guy when I showed up.”

“He’s had a few rough days, but the worst is coming. I know him. He isn’t going to take it well when it finally sinks in.”

“I don’t know if he’s told you anything about me,” Taylor started. “But he single-handedly put me back together when I didn’t think that was possible. I’m prepared to do the same for him.”

Michaela’s smile was genuine as she nodded, only her eyes giving away how much she worried for Josh.

He returned with his coat in hand and draped it over Taylor’s shoulders before wrapping an arm around her and heading out.

The drive was short and before Taylor knew it, they were making their way down a long drive. Words stuck in her throat as the large, massive, extravagant house came into view. No, house wasn’t a grand enough word for what was in front of them. Mansion. Josh lived in a friggin’ mansion.

A man in a black suit hurried out to open her door. She didn’t even know what to say to him. Josh handed him the keys to park it in the garage so they could just head inside.

The steps led up to massive double doors. Once inside, Taylor felt more out of place in her jeans and Converse sneakers than she had at the wedding.

Josh handed his coat off to someone and then pulled her arm through his.

“This is home,” he said, his lips brushing her ear.

“Home?” she choked out the word. “For like a hundred people?”

He laughed and shrugged. “You get used to it.”

He walked her through the house, empty except for the servants they passed.

Up the stairs and to the right was what he’d called his ‘wing’. “I hope this all doesn’t make you uncomfortable.”

“Nah,” she smiled. “I’m only into you for your money anyways.”

“Is that why you told me you love me after my career is over?” He laughed, but there was a slight bitter edge. “No multi-million dollar contracts here.”

He opened the door to his room and walked inside.

“Josh,” Taylor said, still standing at the threshold. “You know I don’t care about that, right?”

“I do now that you’re here.”

Taylor paused for a moment. Did he really think that was the reason she left? No. She shook her head to clear it of those thoughts. Josh knew her better than anyone. He’d have known.

She stepped into his room, not even bothering to look around. Her eyes were only for him. “It’s going to be okay,” she said, knowing personally how much easier that was to say than to feel.

He started to fiddle with his tie, getting frustrated that his shaky hands weren’t untying it fast enough. “Dammit,” he groused.

Taylor moved forward and put her hands on his, stilling them. He pulled them away, and she loosened his tie before pulling the loop over his head and tossing it onto the dresser.

“You’re going to be okay,” she said softly.

Josh exhaled loudly, and Taylor repeated it. “You’re going to be okay.”

She ran her hands up under his jacket and pushed it off his shoulders. “It’s okay to fall apart. God knows I have. You just have to have someone who loves you enough to be there.”

“Say that again.” The haunted look left his eyes, and the side of his mouth quirked up.

“I love you.” She smiled up at him.

He leaned down to kiss her slowly.

“I don’t want to fall apart tonight.” His voice vibrated against her lips. “Tonight I want you to hold me together.”

He kissed her more urgently this time and then broke away to search her face, asking for permission. The last barrier. The last thing that was wholly Danny’s. But she didn’t feel like she was taking it from him anymore. He was giving it back to her. Something that didn’t belong to Danny or to Josh, only to her. And she wanted to share it with the man she loved.

Nodding, she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him back. He put his hands on her hips and lifted her onto the bed.

“I love you, Taylor Scott,” Josh whispered, his breath blowing into her hair. “I could say that a million times, and it would still ring just as true as the first.”

The sun filtered through the large windows next to the bed, creating a glow pattern across Taylor’s pale skin. Josh smiled down at her sleeping form and brought the comforter up over her bare shoulder.

He’d have to wake her up eventually, but he was enjoying some quiet by himself. Last night was the most perfect night, and now it was being tainted with all the other thoughts crowding his mind.

He’d thought hearing her tell him it was going to be okay would make him believe it. That’s what he’d wished for since she left.

But that’s not the way the world works. He’d woken up breathing heavily, with a new weight settled on his chest. Now that Taylor was back by his side, his mind focused in on what wasn’t there for him anymore. The game. His health. It’d all betrayed him, and he didn’t know what to do. There was nothing that could change it. Nothing he’d done to cause it. It just happened. And that was the hardest thing of all.

Taylor murmured something incoherent in her sleep and rolled closer to him. He wrapped his arms around her, her skin warm against his, and rested his chin on her head.

He finally understood. Finally got how it felt to lose something you loved.

Some people say that an athlete dies twice. The second time was obvious -when they actually die. But, the first time was when they hang it up. For most people that happened young, when they graduated high school or college and had no more teams to play on. Very few of them make it past that. Josh made it to the pros, but his first death still came prematurely. It wasn’t supposed to end like this, at least not for another fifteen years or so.

His heart ached, and it wasn’t because of his condition. It felt like a hand was wrapped around it, squeezing the life from the beating organ.

He didn’t want to be bitter. He didn’t want to hate the game.

You don’t always get what you want.

A tear rolled down his cheek, and his body quaked. It was a few minutes before he even realized Taylor was awake and watching him.

She brushed the back of her hand against his cheek and sighed. “Come here.” She pulled his face towards hers and kissed him briefly before letting him bury his face in her neck.

She rubbed his back in silence for a few moments before he finally spoke. “I keep thinking I’m handling everything okay. Then it hits me all over again.”

“It’s going to be like that for a while.”

“I know.” He sighed, wiping his face dry.

“You know I’m here, right?”

“I like to think that when I have a beautiful naked girl in my bed, I know it.” He laughed, trying to snap himself out of his funk.

Taylor pinched him and then laughed when he yelped.

“That isn’t what I meant, and you know it.”

“I do.” He didn’t stop laughing when a thought popped into his mind. “Your dad must have told you where I was, so I’ll have to thank Coach for sending his daughter to ‘cheer me up’.” His air quotes made her laugh as well.

“I’d love to see his face,” she said. “Only, it wasn’t him. It was Grant.”

That made him sit up. “Mack sent you?” He scratched the side of his face, remembering the last conversation he’d had with his roommate. Needing space, he’d been ignoring his texts, along with all the others from the guys on the team.

“Yeah, he even bought my plane ticket.”

Josh looked up at the clock on the wall. They’d slept in, but there were still a few hours before Mack would have all the media stuff prior to the All-Star game that was being played that night.

Josh leaned down to kiss her once more. “I have to go make a phone call. You can take a shower if you want to, then we’ll head down to breakfast.”

She nodded knowingly, but sat waiting for him to leave before crawling out from underneath the covers.

He laughed to himself as he pulled on a pair of shorts and headed for the door.

Mack answered on the third ring.

“Hello?”

Josh smiled. He knew that voice. The “I was up too late and refuse to wake up” voice Mack had perfected. It was All-Star weekend; he shouldn’t expect anything less.

“Hey,” Josh said after a beat of silence. He knew he needed to apologize, but didn’t quite know how. Mack was his best friend whether they were teammates or not.

“Josher?” His voice was cleared of sleep this time and there was a rustling of sheets on the other end as Mack moved around.

“Yeah.”

“About damn time, Dude.”

“I know.” He stopped for a moment, the heaviness returning to his chest. It was impossible to separate Mack from hockey.

“Well, you should see the talent here, Man. And by that, I mean the women. Oh. My. Damn.”

Josh laughed, easing some of the tension. Mack was good for that. They talked about All-Star weekend, but not about the actual game. His friend seemed to know he needed to keep it light and was just happy to hear from him. Josh realized that this wasn’t only affecting him. Like Mack said in the hospital, they had plans. They wanted to take the league by storm. Together.

After spending a while talking about the usual bullshit nonsense, Josh got serious again.

“Mack,” he said. “I know what you did.”

“You may need to clarify.” Mack laughed. “Because I do a lot of things, some of them even good.”

“Taylor.”

“Oh, yeah, that one was good.”

“Thanks.”

“Well, you guys deserve each other.” Mack laughed again, physically incapable of being serious. “You’re both just so damn sad.”

“If I were with you, I’d punch you right now.”

“You’d try.”

“Yeah yeah, we’ll see when I get back.”

“You’re coming back?” Mack sounded surprised.

“This isn’t something I can run from, Mack,” he said. “I don’t know if I’ll stay.” Josh glanced back at the door, thinking of the girl on the other side. “I don’t know what I’ll do.”

“You’ll figure it out.” Mack had more confidence in Josh than he had in himself.

“I’ll try.”

“Whatever man, you’re that kind of guy that everyone hates because you’ll always land on your feet and be good at whatever you do.”

The irony of Mack saying that was not lost on Josh. Since he’d known him, he’d been jealous of Mack excelling at every part of the game without even trying.

“Talk to you back in Columbus?”

“See you there,” Mack replied before ending the call.

Taylor walked out a minute later, hair damp and face clean of all makeup.

God, she’s beautiful.

She smiled shyly as she walked forward.

“Hey, gorgeous,” he said, pulling her to him for a kiss. “Are you ready to get out of here?”

“Where are we going?”

“How about home?”

She looked up at him and nodded. He knew she had to get back for class, and he wasn’t ready to be separated from her yet. It was time to face the music.

“Let’s drive.” He kissed her again. “I want to spend 11 hours in a car with you.”

She smiled again. “Sounds great.”

“K, I’m going to shower then we can grab some food from the kitchen and go.”

While Josh was showering, Taylor wandered through the house, ending up in the dining room, where pastries and trays of fruit were set along the table.

Her stomach rumbled at just the thought of food. Looking behind her, hoping to hear Josh on the stairs, she decided it’d be okay if she grabbed something.

As soon as she stepped further into the room, she realized she wasn’t alone. Sitting at one end of the table was a middle-aged woman with a pencil-straight posture and pressed clothing. Taylor looked down at her jeans- dark this time - and yellow t-shirt, feeling like it was somehow inadequate for breakfast.

The woman cleared her throat, and Taylor realized she was staring. “Sorry,” she said, averting her eyes.

“You might as well eat.” The woman waved a hand at the food. “You were eying it like a half-starved puppy.”

Taylor slowly grabbed a plate, loaded it up, and sat down.

“Whose are you?” the woman asked suddenly.

Taylor choked on her croissant. “Excuse me?”

“Which one of my sons brought you into my house?”

Taylor chewed her food, swallowing it roughly, hoping this woman who was obviously Josh’s mom would blame her full mouth for her lack of words. She poured a glass of orange juice and drank half of it right away to try to clear her throat.

“Taylor?” Ethan appeared in the doorway.

She’d never been more thankful for an interruption.

“Hey, Ethan,” she croaked out, standing up to greet him.

He surprised her by hugging her. When he finally backed away, she saw he didn’t appear to have slept. Large bags had taken up residence under his eyes, and his hair was a little wild. This was a far cry from the man who she’d met in Columbus.

“Don’t mind Mom,” he said as Mrs. Walker scowled at him. “She’s more bark than bite.” He turned to his mother. “This is Taylor, Josh’s girlfriend.” To Taylor, he said, “You are his girlfriend, for real this time?”

“Yeah.”

“Great!” He clapped his hands together. “Where’s my brother?”

“Here,” Josh said, joining them. “Tay, if you’d waited, you wouldn’t have had to come into the lion’s den alone.” He smiled at his mom affectionately before walking over and kissing the top of her head.

“Well,” she said, standing and flattening out her skirt. “This lion has things to do.”

“We’re leaving in a few, Mom.”

Disappointment flashed across her face, but then her mask was back. She reached out to hug her son. “Be good and call your mother more often.”

“Yes, Mom.” He chuckled.

“Don’t forget that your meds are in the kitchen.”

His laughter stopped, and he nodded before she was gone.

“You okay?” Josh asked his brother. “You look like shit.”

“Rough night.” He shrugged. “The whole ‘Michaela getting married’ thing would have been so much easier to deal with if I could have booze.”

Josh looked at him skeptically, and he put his hands in front of his chest.

“Still sober,” he said. “You have no idea what I went through to even be able to say that. One night isn’t worth ruining it all.”

“Good.” Josh put a hand on Ethan’s shoulder. “Call me if you need help remembering that.”

Josh went through the swinging door to the kitchen, returning a minute later with a medicine bottle and a plastic container.

“Food for the road,” he said, loading it up.

Taylor grabbed a few bottles of water off the table and then waited. Josh slung his arm over her shoulders and waved to his brother as they made their way outside, where their suitcases were being loaded into a dark red BMW.

At Taylor’s questioning look, Josh explained, “This was what I drove when I was home in the summers during juniors.”

“Rich people.” She shook her head with a laugh. “Buying their kids fancy summer cars.”

He lowered his arm to her waist and lifted her up to a chorus of her screams.

“Put me down,” she yelled between fits of laughter.

He threw the container of food in the open passenger door and shut it with his foot before pinning her to the car.

She stopped laughing the minute his lips claimed hers. Heat pooled in her veins before he released her with a smirk.

“Ready?”

“You bet.”