It was late when the Columbus skyline came into view. Taylor was asleep in the seat next to him, so Josh just headed to his apartment.

The situation was surreal. Coming back to a city where he didn’t really have a place anymore. His contract would run through July, but then he’d be jobless. He didn’t know how to do anything else. He came to Columbus to play hockey, and now he wasn’t quite sure why he was here.

Looking at the sleeping girl next to him, he realized that was wrong. He knew exactly why he was there.

Mack wouldn’t be back in town until tomorrow, so the place was dark when he got there. Taylor murmured in his arms as he carried her towards his room and placed her on the bed.

When he checked his phone, there was a text from Mack. His team won the game and according to him he’d “killed it”.

Josh’s chest suddenly felt tight. He gripped the bottom of his shirt and pulled it over his head, tossing it into a basket in the closet. Walking into the bathroom, he saw himself in the mirror. How was he supposed to know who he was anymore? What would define him?

The porcelain sink was cold under his hands as he gripped it tightly and hung his head, trying to breathe. He turned the faucet on and felt the iciness on his fingertips. Releasing the sink with his other hand, he cupped them together and splashed water on his face. It dribbled down his chin and onto his chest.

These moments alone were the hardest. When he was surrounded by other people who were all telling him he’d be okay, he could believe it. But now the doubt crept in, filling the empty spaces of his mind. The spaces that used to be reserved for the next game. The next practice. The next time he’d get to pull those laces tight and wear that jersey. The next time he’d feel whole.

He blew out a frustrated breath, hating the fact that he kept returning to such a dark place. The towel was scratchy on his skin as he dried his face.

Walking back into the bedroom, he removed his pants, climbing into bed in just his boxers.

Taylor had fallen asleep in her clothes, and her jeans were rough against his legs as he pulled her to him. She snuggled closer and he buried his face in her neck, wanting so much for her to pull him back into the light.

His hand skimmed the skin underneath the bottom of her shirt. Still half asleep, she took his hand in both of hers and curled around it.

“I love you,” she murmured, so low he almost didn’t hear it.

His chest loosened slightly, and he was finally able to fall asleep.

Josh owed it to the fans. That was the only reason he was here right now. The only reason he’d agreed to the press conference.

He’d been back in Columbus for almost a week, meeting with management and basically just waiting. He didn’t know what to do with himself most days. Taylor was catching up on all the school she’d missed, and the team was away on a road trip. That’s why they waited to talk to the press. The optics. Management thought it’d look better if the coaches and his line-mates were there with him.

Josh wasn’t going to argue that. It was going to be the hardest day of his life, the official end of his career, and he didn’t want to do it alone.

Mack put a hand on his shoulder, jolting him back to the reality of the situation. Coach Scott and Coach Peterson walked up.

“You ready?” Coach Scott asked.

Josh glanced out to where the media were interviewing the GM about something entirely different. He stood up when he was finished and walked towards them.

“As I’ll ever be,” Josh said, nervously tugging on his suit jacket. His blond hair had been cut short and styled. He’d worn one of his best suits, and a tie that had always been lucky for him.

He looked ready. His mind was just catching up.

His coaches took their places at the long table, with an empty seat between them. Mack waited in the background. Josh’s legs were stiff as he strode across the room with a confidence he didn’t feel. He’d never been good in front of the cameras. Microphones always made him nervous.

Playing in Mack’s shadow, he’d been able to avoid much of the spotlight. This wasn’t the end of it. He still had one last radio interview to do. Then it really was over.

The chair scraped loudly against the concrete as he slid it back before sitting down and scooting forward. He put his elbows on the table and leaned forward towards the microphone. The faces before him were expectant. It was the end of January. There were still a few weeks until the trade deadline before the playoffs, and the All-Star game was over. They were starved for real stories. Stories that would get the readers. A twenty-one-year-old professional athlete ending his career fit that bill.

“Hello,” Josh stammered. He looked sideways at Coach Scott, who gave him an encouraging smile as he nodded toward the microphone.

Josh cleared his throat. “I’m Josh Walker.” He stopped realizing the stupidity in that statement, wishing there was a script for this. “But I guess you already know that, since you’re here.”

There were a few chuckles. Josh wasn’t trying to be funny. He scratched the back of his neck. “I… uh… You’re probably all wondering why you’re here. What the big news is.” He stalled as he tried to force his mouth to form the words.

“I’m announcing my retirement from hockey.” Surprised mutterings grew louder by the moment.

Josh heard the phrases “such promise” and “bright future” bandied about.

“When I’m done, you’ll be able to ask the coaches all your questions. I have a heart condition. It isn’t something that can be fixed and hockey…” he paused, forcing the thickness out of his voice. “Hockey can no longer be a part of my life. I’d like to thank the Columbus Blue Jackets organization for giving me the opportunities that every player dreams of when they’re young. My coaches for encouraging me, and teaching me the right way to be a professional. Thanks to my teammates for this wild ride. And most of all, I’d like to thank everyone in Columbus who has cheered me and the team on. This news may come as a shock to you – I’m still trying to come to terms with what it means for me. Hockey has been my life. This team has been my family. This game is special, and it will always have a part of me. I…”

Josh scanned the crowd in front of him one more time before standing abruptly. “Just… thank you.”

He hurried from the room, leaving behind a chorus of questions now directed at the two coaches.

Mack followed him through the halls until they were outside, the biting chill of the wind whipping them in the face.

They walked home, leaving the arena behind.

The next week moved at a snail’s pace. Josh finished his interviews and was effectively done. His phone had been blowing up ever since the news broke. Friends from around the league offered their words of encouragement. Even a few players he didn’t know personally contacted him.

They all got it. They knew this could easily have happened to them. It was real, and it was frightening.

Josh didn’t know what to do with himself most days. He knew he needed to make a plan. Sitting in his apartment watching Netflix for the rest of his life was not an option. His body felt sluggish. It was used to daily workouts. He could do light workouts, but didn’t see the point if he couldn’t go all-out.

People used to tell him he was lucky. He knew what he’d wanted to do for a living from the time he was eight years old. Old enough to realize what he loved. There’d been no other goal. Now he felt like he had to pull one out of thin air.

Taylor had an exam the next day so she was spending the afternoon in the library, and Mack was working with a new skating coach. At least he’s trying harder, Josh thought when Mack told him about the extra practice.

There were three solid raps on his door. Looking down at his drawstring shorts and bare torso, he hoped it wasn’t Taylor, finished studying early. He had yet to shave, the blond stubble coating his jaw.

He grabbed a shirt from his room and pulled it on as the knock sounded again.

Josh was surprised to find Coach Scott at his door.

“Walker,” the coach nodded. He looked him up and down before scanning the rest of the apartment, his eyes catching on the paused TV show and dirty dishes in the living room.

He gave Josh a sympathetic smile. “Can I come in?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Josh said, moving quickly to pick up a few things. “Can I get you something to drink?”

“No, I won’t be here long.”

“Okay,” he said slowly, gesturing to a chair at the dining room table.

The two men sat across from each other, neither looking the other in the eye.

Josh hadn’t seen any of his coaches since the press conference. Teammates either. His choice, not theirs.

“Soooo,” Josh said expectantly.

“Something you said at the press conference has stuck with me,” Coach began.

“I didn’t say much.”

“No, but you said that hockey couldn’t be a part of your life anymore.”

“And?” Josh couldn’t sit still, so he got up and walked to the sink for a glass of water. As he tipped it against his lips, he looked back at the table for an explanation.

“Walker,” Coach paused. “Josh.”

Josh couldn’t remember if his coach had ever called him by his first name before.

“It’s taken me all week to get this set up, but there’s a way that you don’t have to leave the game.”

Josh sucked in a breath and waited.

“The coach of the Ohio State hockey team is a friend of mine, and he’s worried his team is missing something that would help them get to the playoffs and do some damage. A part of their mentality. There are a few players in particular. Guys who have been drafted by NHL clubs and have all the talent in the world, but don’t quite know what it takes to be great. I told him about you.”

“What are you getting at, Coach?” Josh paced in front of him.

“If you want to stay in the game, this is your chance.”

“Coaching?”

“I know it hasn’t been long, but this is an opportunity that won’t wait for you.”

Josh sighed. “I want to be on the ice, not behind the bench.”

“We all have to hang it up some time, but that doesn’t mean we walk away.”

“I’m not walking away.”

“Aren’t you? You love the game. Maybe this is its way to love you back.”

“But coaching?” Josh looked at him skeptically and plopped down in the chair again. “What do I know about that?”

“Do you remember what I said to you the first time we met?” he asked.

“That I had bad positioning and worse hands.” Josh offered him a weak smile.

“That you were smart, and I can’t teach that. You’ve been a coach all year and you don’t even realize it. I’ve seen Carter improve by leaps and bounds while working with you. You won’t be coaching the whole team, only a few of the guys at first. If it goes well, they’ll have an assistant position open in the fall, and they’d love to have a student coach.”

“Student?”

“Sounds like a logical step for you, doesn’t it?”

Josh nodded and stood up when his coach did, taking the offered hand to shake.

“Promise me you’ll think about it,” Coach said, stopping at the door.

“Yeah,” Josh responded. “I will.”

Josh shut the door behind him and leaned against it. His lips twitched. Once. Twice. Then they settled into a full on smile.

Who was he kidding? Think about it? The game was sending him a life raft, a way to stay connected to it. A way to stay whole.

Josh sent a text to Coach minutes after he left.

I’m in. Thank you.