Harlan

 

After the second practice of the day, I hurried back to the motorhome to get ready to go out with Cade. I wasn’t sure what I was doing. He’d guaranteed we were only going out as friends, but that saddened me a little. Part of me had hoped that he came to my motorhome earlier to declare his love, but that was silly. We barely knew each other; a declaration of love would have been ridiculous.

Quickly showering, I dressed in jeans and a three-quarter sleeve top. May in North Carolina could be warm, but I’d found that the evenings could still be cool. I readied myself as quickly as I could, so I could spend time with Dillon before bedtime. I’d arranged it, so Cade and I would leave right after I put Dil down for bed. My grandfather had been great with keeping him, but I hated to force him to chase my four-year-old around anymore than necessary.

“So, are you gonna explain why you’ve been avoidin’ that young man?” Grandpa asked as he settled on the couch next to me. Dillon was sleeping in his bed, and I was trying to prepare myself for what was to come.

“I just can’t set myself up for heartbreak, Grandpa. There is no way a guy like Cade would be interested in something long term with a single mother. How long before he decides that playing house isn’t as fun as he thought it would be? How long before he realizes that Dil gets cranky and inconsolable at times.”

“You know, honey, you don’t like it when people make assumptions about you, why are you doing it to him?”

I stared at my grandfather, surprised that he was calling me out. He was right, and I knew it. “Cade can’t even make up his mind about what kind of career he wants, what makes you think he can make up his mind to stay in a relationship? I don’t want Dillon to get hurt.” I whispered, “I don’t want to get hurt.”

“There’s the issue right there,” he insisted. “You’re judging him because he’s done different things to get ahead. You said he owns a gym where he’s a personal trainer, the physical therapy goes right along with that.”

“And now he’s working on a pit crew.”

“Harlan, you should be the first to know that when an opportunity arises you have to take it. He’s good at what he does, why punish him for following his dreams? You’ve decided he isn’t worth the effort because you assume he’s gonna hurt you. Well, what if he doesn’t? What if he’s exactly the person you need in your life.” He paused for a moment, and I thought hard about what he said.

He continued. “You know, your mother didn’t want to give your father a chance. She came home, crying to your grandma asking similar questions. What kind of life could she have with a race car driver? How could it ever be serious? How could she compare to the hordes of women throwing themselves at him at every race? How could she live that life? She asked all the questions, but grandma asked the only question that mattered, can you live without him?” He looked me dead in the eyes. “Can you live without knowing if he’s worth it?”

I had no idea what to say. All I knew was, he was right. I’d been judging Cade when I had no right. All his friends, Toni, Monique, and Mia, they all told me the he was loyal and one of the best people they knew. So why was I so ready to pass judgment and push him away? I knew the answer; I was afraid he’d see I wasn’t worth it.

I didn’t have to say anything; my grandpa knew what I was thinking. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and hugged. “You’re beautiful, kind, and a great mother, Harlan. You deserve love and happiness. If this man can give you those things, then let him. You at least owe it to yourself and Dil to try to find happiness. If it’s with Cade, fine. If not, that’s okay too.”

A knock sounded at the door, jarring us from our conversation. “I’ll get the door, go clean yourself up.” He walked around the couch to the door while I ducked into the bathroom. Through the thin walls, I heard him invite Cade inside and tell him I’d be right out.

***

“Where are we going?” I asked as he took my hand and led me to his car. He had a secretive smile on his face that made my insides quiver.

“Somewhere quiet, where we can talk.” He said.

Once inside his truck, Cade was quiet through most of the short drive. The scenery outside the truck turned from huge skyscrapers and office buildings to smaller buildings until we were out of the city entirely. Nothing but dense forest surrounded us on both sides. He pulled down a secluded drive cut into the tree line, continuing down an unpaved road until we reached a secluded parking lot.

“Where are we?” I questioned. I expected a restaurant or something the like, not a dark parking lot.

“This is Freedom Park,” Cade said before climbing out and going around to the back of the truck. My heart raced, and my palms itched as I sat and waited. When my door swung open, he took my hand, and helped me down from his lifted truck. He guided me down a wooden bridge that seemed to lead to a larger dock area that overlooked the water. It was no ordinary dock however, it was surrounded by an intricate wooden railing. Some spots were lower than others and had small benches attached to the ground. It reminded me of a man-made pond near my grandfather’s garage where he would fish.

“I thought this would be nicer than a restaurant. Between waiters and other patrons, it’s difficult to have a conversation. Here it’s quiet, and the stars make for a much more relaxing atmosphere,” he explained.

And much more romantic as well.

Cade released my hand and spread the blanket down on the wooden dock. Kneeling, he pulled food, drinks, and candles from the insulated bag and placed them on the blanket.

He lit the candles and settled back on his haunches with his hand extended. “Come, sit with me.”

I slid onto the blanket next to him. He must have brought the smallest blanket he could find because we were forced to sit quite close. “This place is beautiful,” I said quietly as he opened several containers and pulled two beers from the cooler. “I’ve never had a picnic on a pier before. How did you think of this?”

Cade grinned, and I got a glimpse of the dimple in his cheek. “Neither have I actually. I just thought somewhere quiet and out of the way would be better.” He paused and took the top off one of the beers and passed it to me. “It’s better than some stuffy restaurant or a movie where we wouldn’t be able to talk.”

“Well, I think this is beautiful. I haven’t seen this many stars since I was in Ireland. My father traveled so much and was popular in European racing, he hated being in the city when he was home, so my parents bought a cottage away from everything. The nights were so dark there, you could see every star in the sky.” I leaned back on my elbows and looked up. “Kind of like here.”

I felt his quiet gaze on me as I stared into the sky. He pulled the lids from the containers. I wondered what he thought. He was a hard guy to read.

“Everything looks so good, I can’t wait to try it all.”

“Jake got this together for me,” he said.

“Is he a better cook than you?”

“Kind of,” he said. “We both worked in our mother’s diner as kids, Jake just enjoyed it more. I can make most of the same things he makes, he just takes more pride in it than I do. To Jake, cooking is an art, so what he makes tends to be amazing. To me, cooking is a means of feeding myself.”

This was the first time he’d ever really talked about himself. So far, we spent most of our time together talking about me, I liked learning about him.

“Cade, I want to say I’m sorry.” I cast my eyes down as I took a bite of food. “This is delicious.” I couldn’t help my outburst; the food was amazing. “I am sorry for blowing you off. It’s just, Dil’s getting very attached to you, and I got scared. I don’t want him to get hurt.”

“Why would I hurt either of you?” he asked, looking genuinely confused. “I get it, you just want to be friends, but what makes you think I’d ever hurt you?” He took a deep breath and stared out at the dark water. “Look, I care about you, both of you. If you just want friendship, that’s cool. Just know, I ain’t goin’ anywhere.”

I thought about this for a few moments and realized how ridiculous it was for me to avoid him. I knew why I did it though, I feared what I felt around him. Yes, I said I just wanted friendship, but that couldn’t have been farther from the truth. I liked how he made me feel. I liked how attentive he was to both Dillon and me, but it scared the hell out of me.

We sat, eating the delicious snacks he brought and sipping on our beers. I watched him out of the corner of my eye as he stared out into the black waters of the lake. I followed his gaze to where the moon and stars were reflected on the waters. The rippling moon on the lake was hypnotic and incredibly tranquil. Breaking the silence, I said, “I bet this place is gorgeous in the daylight.”

Cade hummed in agreement, not taking his eyes from the water. “We should bring Dil. I could teach him how to fish.” He paused and looked over at me. “I mean, if that’s okay with you.”

Internally chastising myself, I wished I would never have tried pushing him away. Sometimes I was my own worst enemy. “Of course, it would be fine by me. Dil would love to learn how to fish.”

I became more nervous with every silent moment. Several times I tried to say more or ask questions, but I couldn’t. I ripped at the label on my beer bottle, tearing it at the edges. I wished I knew him better. I was so busy trying to keep an emotional distance, then distancing myself completely, I never let my guard down enough to get to know him.

When the label was gone from my beer and shredded in a small pile on the blanket, I breathed deeply to give myself courage to break the silence.

“So, I’ve told you about me.” More than I ever wanted to tell. “Tell me about you.”

He seemed surprised. “Me?” he questioned. “What do you wanna know? I’ll be honest, there ain’t much to tell. But ask anything.”

I thought for a moment and said, “Why don’t you tell me why someone who is so great with kids doesn’t have a wife and kids of his own?”

Cade grabbed a sandwich out of one of the containers and took a large bite. He chewed on it forever, until I thought he was going to eat the whole thing to avoid the question. Not that I blamed him. I was ready to tell him to forget I asked when he started talking.

“There was one girl, a few years ago. I went out, I bought the ring, and I made grand plans to pop the question. About a week before I was gonna to ask her to marry me, I found out she’d been cheatin’ on me the entire time we were together. I ain’t gonna go into all the messy details, but it was blatantly obvious, and I never saw it. The worst part, when I confronted her, she told me it was no big secret and that I was stupid for not knowin’.” He was quiet for a moment. He looked out at the water, his gaze unfocused. Absentmindedly, he ate his sandwich. After his food was gone, he took a long swallow from his bottle before he continued. “I haven’t been in a relationship since. Nothin’ serious. I’ve dated here and there, but nothin’ that lasted more than a few dates. I’ve been focused on gettin’ my degree, runnin’ the gym, and helpin’ in the garages. No time for anythin’ else.”

“But you haven’t been alone all that time.” I couldn’t believe what I said. My tone was aggressive, but also sad. I knew there was no way he’s been celibate that entire time, but I didn’t want to know. The thought of him with various women made my skin crawl.

Cade let out a long, frustrated sigh at my last comment. Clearly, I’d hit a nerve. “If you’re askin’ if I’ve been alone over the past three years, the answer is no. I’m no saint, honey, but ain’t a dog either. So, you need to stop that gorgeous mind of yours from makin’ up shit that just ain’t true.”

Was this jealousy? Was jealousy the reason I came off so aggressively, asking questions I’d never normally ask? I couldn’t honestly say I’d ever been jealous before, but that would explain my brazen comment. I scowled not liking this sick and creeping feeling building up from my gut and moving through each of my limbs.

“Calm down, sweetheart. I’ve never jumped around, takin’ whatever women threw themselves at me. That’s not me. I have no desire for meaningless sex. I just mean that over three years, I haven’t been completely alone either.” He paused for a moment, then looked at me with sincerity. “You believe me, right?”

The crazy thing was, I did. I did believe him, as ignoring his sincerity was difficult. “Yes, I do.” I was surprised that trust came so easily. I so badly wanted to ask what made me different. Why in the bloody hell would he want something with me when he hasn’t wanted anything from anyone else for so long. I wanted to ask, but I was too afraid of what he would say.

“Although, I do find the jealousy thing flatterin’, and damn cute,” Cade said with a smirk. His relaxed demeanor had returned, a knowing glint lit his unique blue eyes.

Cute? I was used to people in Europe referring to me as cute, but it was said condescendingly. In no way did I think Cade was belittling. Instead, his eyes were filled with something else, something akin to desire. The same heated glances I’d noticed several times before.

Trying to relax back, I suddenly felt bad for placing this damper on our evening. Leave it to me and my big mouth to ruin the night. I couldn’t just ask the usual questions people asked to get to know each other, I had to ask about other women and basically accuse him of being a man-whore.

“What’s on your mind, sweetheart?” Cade’s deep baritone brought me back to the here and now.

Not knowing what to say, I decided to go to a more comfortable subject. I was interested in his comment about his mother’s diner. It made me wonder what he was like as a kid; what a typical childhood, out of the limelight of the European racing world, would have been like.

“Where’s your mother’s diner?”

A grin crept across his full lips. “Shady Falls, North Carolina. It’s about an hour or so north of Mooresville. It’s just this tiny, unincorporated town, but it’s home. My mom owns the only diner in town, and Toni’s dad owns the only garage. There’s not much to it, but it was a cool place to grow up.”

“That’s where your brother learned how to cook?”

He beamed. “That among other things. Jake and I learned how to cook. Toni, Jake, and I learned how to rebuild and race cars. It’s also where Jake met his wife, and Toni found her love of cars.”

“What about you?” I asked. He talked a lot about others, but not much about himself.

Letting out a deep laugh, he scanned the lake. “I became a jack of all trades, master of none.”

His self-deprecating comment hit me hard. He laughed it off like it didn’t mean anything, but it meant something to me. “I beg to differ, Cade. From what I’ve seen, if not for what you did with Toni in Shady Falls, you wouldn’t be leading one of the best race car pit crews in racing. Julius is one of the best race car drivers in NASCAR, and you oversee his pit crew. You train them, and you work side by side with them. If that’s not a master of a trade, I don’t know what is.” 

“Yeah. Well, I guess I’ve learned some things over the years,” he laughed, his gruff voice sending shivers down my spine. 

He didn’t seem interested in talking about himself or his past anymore. I could understand how he felt, it was exhausting to revisit the past sometimes. When he started placing the empty containers back into the bag, cleaning up, I became worried. Although I didn’t want to keep pushing for information and didn’t want to talk about my past either, I wasn’t ready to leave. But then he pulled a couple more beers from the cooler, opened one, and handed it over.

He took a pull of his own, staring out at the empty lake surrounding us.

“It’s so beautiful here. Thank you for bringing me here,” I said before reclining back and resting on my elbows. I stared up at the cloudless sky, enjoying the quiet and the company. It had been a long time since I was this comfortable with a man.

Cade lounged on the blanket next to me, he closed his eyes and seemed to relax. “Thanks for comin’ with me. It’s been a great night.”

We stayed on that blanket, side by side, talking about everything we could think of, and nothing at all. We discussed my childhood in Ireland, his in Shady Falls. The similarities between our upbringings were remarkable despite thousands of miles of separation. We debated Road courses vs. Oval tracks, Chunky vs. Creamy peanut butter, Grape vs. Strawberry jam. The list was extensive, but it was fun to just relax and talk. And when I moved my hand down and grazed his, he took it, lacing our fingers together. I didn’t pull away.