Damn, why won’t Tessa tell me where she is? Let me go to her and make sure she’s okay? I feel like my skull is about to burst from the worry. I dig my thumbs into my eyes, as if that can make the headache go away.

I try calling her back, but no reply. Shit. I’m gonna kill that fucker for hurting her again. For scaring her.

“Dylan?” Teo is standing at the kitchen door, clutching Gino, his teddy.

“Go to bed, little man,” I bite out and struggle for control because I want to punch something and now is not the time. “I’m coming to tuck you in.”

As soon as he’s out of the room, I kick the table leg and bend over, bracing my hands on the scarred surface, trying to calm down. She doesn’t want me there with her. This sucks.

No. I’m not gonna lose Tessa. Not gonna happen.

Isn’t it too late to worry about that? a snide voice in my head whispers, and I let out a long breath.

I need to see her. To hell with it.

So I arrange for Charlie to keep an eye on the boys until I’m back. I tuck Teo in and promise to read him his favorite book another time, make sure Miles knows what to do if anything happens, that he has my number and won’t open the door to stranglers, all the while feeling like I’m slogging through quicksand.

Fuck, I can’t afford this now, this bone-deep exhaustion that’s hounding me. It feels like forever until I organize everything and call a cab to take me to Tessa.

Sitting in the back seat, I allow myself to lean back and close my eyes for one brief minute. I keep hearing her frightened voice telling me she found her creepy ex-boyfriend waiting for her at her apartment, and I wanna wring the motherfucker’s neck.

Fuck, fuck. If I’d known…

My anger rouses me, and I look out the cab window as we arrive at Audrey and Asher’s place. I pay and step outside. The cold bores into my bones, making my joins ache and creak. I ring the bell and shift from foot to foot, clenching my frozen hands inside my pockets. Feels like snow.

Feels like darkness and despair.

I shake my head to dispel the morose thoughts and ring again. Shit, it’s cold.

“Who is it?” Asher’s voice comes through the intercom.

“It’s me, Dylan. Can I come up?” He says nothing, so I say through chattering teeth, “I’m here to see Tessa.”

“We’re about to leave for the police station,” he says evenly, and I close my eyes, because that probably means I should leave. Damn. But then he says, “Come on up.”

He buzzes me in, and I enter the building, shivering so hard I think my joints will shake loose.

Of course there’s no elevator, and I start up the stairs. It takes me forever to reach the third floor. I’m actually seeing black stars floating around me by the time I knock on the door and a scowling Ash opens it.

I look past him, and I spot Tessa immediately, standing by the window. The light from the lamp in the room corner catches on her pale hair that’s gathered up in a ponytail, loose strands framing her face. My breath catches and my heart stops, like every time I see her.

The fear of anything happening to her has brought what I feel into sharp focus. I shouldn’t have let her go. I need her like nobody else in the world.

As if sensing me, she looks up, and for a second her shoulders relax. Her full mouth tilts into a faint smile.

Then it falls, and she hunches over. “Dylan? What are you doing here?”

I’m by her side in two strides. I open my arms and pull her to me. She’s rigid for a moment, then she clutches the back of my neck, burying her face in my shoulder. She’s trembling, and I tighten my hold on her.

Mine. She’s mine.

I shake my head to clear it. “Tess, did he hit you? Did he hurt you?”

“He didn’t.” She pulls back a little to lift her face. Her eyes are red-rimmed but dry. “I kneed him.”

My jaw slackens. “You what?”

“He was holding me against the wall. I couldn’t escape.” A shudder wracks her. “So I kneed him where it hurts most.”

A chuckle escapes me despite my best intentions, and she snorts, too, but the sound turns into a sob, and my anger returns.

Anger at the asshole who hurt her. Anger at myself for not being there to protect her. For not being a part of her life.

“I’ll kill the fucker,” I mutter. “I swear I will.”

She suddenly squirms and pushes off me. “Why did you come?” A shadow of pain goes through her eyes. “You should go.”

“Don’t.” I reach again for her. “I don’t want to leave you, not now.”

“Dylan, it’s too late,” she says softly, stepping away, and each word turns into a bullet to my chest. “You left me long ago.”

Fuck. She’s right. But that was a mistake I don’t plan on making again.

Ignoring the dark looks Audrey and Ash are sending my way, I follow them to the police station. Tessa doesn’t look at me. She doesn’t acknowledge my presence at all, even though I sit in Audrey’s car right next to her. She keeps her hands clasped in her lap, and I tamp down on the urge to reach for her.

Once at the station, I stand by her side as she answers questions, explaining what happened with her ex today and other times and fills out a form.

Fury rises in me, its heat intense, lifting off the fog that seems to shroud my mind these days. I pace restlessly, hands in my pockets, listening as she speaks softly, relating how this Sean Anholt treated her—like dirt under his shoe, like his property.

And she doesn’t find it strange, or so it sounds from the way she’s telling the story. Like she’s used to it. I remember suddenly the bruises on her arms and how she said some were her dad’s doing.

Red mist fills my vision. I swear under my breath when she explains how he cornered her and told her that her dad had given him the card and the okay to enter her building.

I kick the wall and curse out loud.

“Please, sir.” The police officer on duty sends me an unfriendly look. “Have a seat, this won’t take long.”

Ash and Audrey are sitting in the back of the room. But how can I settle down? I want to grab Tess and leave, take her home and keep her close to me. Make sure she knows she’s safe now. That I won’t let her go.

She shows the police officer fading bruises on her wrists and tells the story of how she kept her cool and managed to break the guy’s hold. Pride fills me at how strong she is, how level-headed her reaction was. For a girl pretty as a doll, she sure has balls of brass.

A wave of fierce protectiveness washes over me, followed by a tide of need so strong it makes every muscle in my body clench and my dick harden.

Fuck me, I want this girl. I want her for myself, wanted her all along. All my reasons for letting her go those years back seem weak and stupid now. Nothing can be more important than being with her. Nothing feels as good, as right. Funny how I was scared of losing her—when I was the one pushing her away, never giving this thing between us a chance.

Tessa stands up, hands tucked under her armpits, her gaze dark. “Thank you,” she tells the officer in her soft voice that sends thrills down my spine and makes my heart beat just a little bit faster.

“Tess…” I try to catch her gaze. “Come home with me.”

“Home.” Her voice goes even softer, and her expression closes down, turning her small face into an impassive mask. She keeps her arms wrapped around herself, as if she’s cold, although it’s warm inside the station.

“Please tell me what’s wrong. Is it because of that fucker?” My hand falls to my side, clenching into a fist. “Did he hurt you in some other way?”

“No, Dylan, it’s not that.” She sighs. “I’m tired of this, of being in your arms one second and out in the cold the next. I can’t trust that any good moment with you will last.”

I want to kick the wall again and again, until I break through it, through this dead-end.

“Tess… I shouldn’t love you, you know?” I scrub a hand over my face, wondering if I even make sense at this point. “So many things I shouldn’t do.”

“What do you mean?” she whispers.

Fuck. I’m wracking my brain for a reply, when Ash and Audrey step between us.

“Ready to roll, girl?” he asks, and a glint in his eye tells me I should stand down now or find myself flat on my back.

“I’m ready,” Tessa says.

“Then let’s go,” Audrey says, lacing her arm through Tessa’s and drawing her away from me.

Tessa can’t trust me anymore. I can see why. But I have to change her mind, although I sure as hell don’t know how.

She glances back over her shoulder as they reach the door. “I’ll pick up Miles,” she says. “I’m not letting him down.”

Like I let her down.

I kick the wall once again, for good measure, glare at the police officer, who looks about to say something, and stalk out of the room.

Dammit. That was a royal screw up, Dylan. Great job. Took years in the making.

Now pick up the fucking pieces, if you can.

A leaden blanket is draped on my shoulders, pressing down, and the fog is back, making thoughts sluggish. My joints hurt like an old guy’s, and I pop another Advil. I wonder, as I move around the gym, checking that everyone is doing their exercises correctly and nobody is injured, why the hell I feel so shitty.

But I don’t have time to spend feeling sorry for myself. After work, I promised Coach West I’d talk to him again, and then I need to go home and make dinner, make sure my brothers bathe and get their ice cream and watch their cartoons… The work is never over.

Tessa…

I haven’t seen her in two days—ever since that night at the police station. Ever since she walked away with Audrey and Ash, after telling me she couldn’t follow me.

I respect her for not just taking me back like that. For not taking whatever scraps I finally threw her way. She deserves so much better than that. So much better than me.

Things could go south once again. Teo gets sick quite often. Miles might get bullied again, or Dad needs attention whenever he returns home. I might run out of money or lose my job. I’m not who she needs.

Get off your high horse, I can almost hear Asher’s voice in my head. You don’t know what she needs. What she’ll do.

Mom walked away. Doesn’t mean Tessa will. Take a risk. For Tessa. For yourself. Trust her, and make her trust you. Give it a try.

I haven’t let myself hope in so long I’ve almost forgotten how it feels to close your eyes and jump in with both feet.

Tessa is worth it. So what if the timing sucks? What if I feel like something the cat dragged in, and I don’t even have time to shave on most days? I’ll make time. I’ll find the energy.

For her. For me. If she still wants me. And shit, that’s not a given.

After six grueling hours, I still haven’t found a solution as to how to earn back Tessa’s trust, and I’m getting ready to leave—when I get ambushed by a redhead in a skimpy skirt.

“Dylan? Remember me? I’m Faith. I wanted you to be my personal trainer.”

“And I told you I don’t work mornings.”

The hue of her hair has to come from a bottle, as it’s red like blood, and it matches her lipstick. The color reminds me of the bruises on Tessa’s arms, and I scowl.

Not that my scowl would deter her. She’s been after me for weeks now. She’s obviously immune.

She bats her lashes, which are long and black and weird-looking. Dyed with something, too. “Come on, Dylan, please…”

Jesus. I can’t swear at her, as she’s a customer at the gym. How fucked up is that? “I said I can’t.”

She pouts, and my fists itch to do damage, so I grab my stuff and turn to go. Two more girls are now trailing after me, and I glare at them, hopefully looking forbidding enough for them to stay where they are and not attempt to engage me into any sort of conversation.

I never minded the flirting so much before. As I settle the straps of my backpack more securely over my shoulders and set out toward the campus and the sports department, I wonder about that.

Then again, before I wasn’t seeing Tessa’s face on every girl, didn’t hear her voice in their chatter. I also didn’t have this headache from hell pounding at the back of my eyes, like Thor’s hammer. It’s a miracle my eyeballs haven’t popped out of my head yet.

Normally I’d jog to the sports center. I’m a trained athlete. Up until a couple of months ago, I’d wake up early and go running, then train a couple more hours on campus. Now the only exercise I do is some machines at the gym when it’s quiet and running like crazy when my brothers are sick or in trouble.

Trained athlete or not, by the time I reach the sports center I have black spots swimming in my vision, and I’m panting like a dog. Sweat is trickling down my back and into my eyes despite the cold, and I wipe a hand over my wet face as I enter.

“Dylan.” Coach West looks up from a folder he’s been studying, and he frowns. “Is it raining outside? You’re soaking wet.”

“Nope. Not—” I crash into a chair, fighting to catch my breath. “Not raining.”

Dammit.

Coach West’s eyes narrow, their pale gray echoing the overcast sky outside. “You okay, kid? You don’t look too hot.”

“I’m okay.”

“Are you sick? Maybe the—”

“I’m not sick.” Impatiently, I glance at my watch. Miles has to be home by now. “You said you had some forms for me to fill out?”

“Yeah.” He swivels in his chair and digs through the folders stacked on a shelf under the window. “How’s your little brother?”

“He’s better.”

“And the other one? Mike, is it?”

“Miles. He’s okay.”

“So now you have more time for your studies. For yourself.”

“Not really.” I fight the urge to drum my fingers. “Look, Coach, I have to go. I’m late.”

He swivels back around, a bunch of papers in his hand. “Do you want to have another scholarship, Dylan? Do you want to continue your studies, or are you here because I asked you to? Let me know, so I don’t waste your time or mine. Getting you back into the program isn’t simple. I had to call in favors.”

I hunch forward and close my eyes, the pain behind my eyes spiking. “Sorry, Coach.” I press the heels of my hands into my forehead. “You know I used to live for this. For football, for the team. For a chance to make this my career.”

“I know,” he says quietly.

I fix my gaze on the far wall. “I do want this. I’ll…” I’ll what? Ditch my brothers and win the lottery? Make a wish on a falling star? “I’ll fill these out.”

“You do that, Dylan.” He taps the papers on the desk. “Your team is asking about you. What should I tell them? Are you coming back?”

I reach for the forms, and he passes them on to me. I stare at them, my mind blank. Don’t know what to reply. I really miss the team, their lame-ass jokes and ribbing. Miss playing football. Fucking miss looking forward to my future.

But ever since the moment Dad left home a year ago, I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep up. I lasted a few months, running between classes, training, work and home, until the school called to inform me they wouldn’t accept anymore the state my brothers were in—their clothes wrinkled, their homework not done.

And when one day Teo fell very sick with a fever, I cancelled everything to stay home with him, and that was the beginning of the end of it all. I dropped out of training, out of the classes. I managed to keep my job by the skin of my teeth and with a great deal of help from my neighbors.

What makes you think you can get back in the saddle now? Nothing has changed.

“We can make it work, together,” Coach West says. He rests his fist on the table, knuckles down. “I still believe in you. Just give me something to work with, some evidence of your dedication and desire to succeed. Convince me you care.”

Tessa’s image flashes in my mind again. Dammit. Seems like I have to convince everyone around me I’m not the heartless asshole I appear.

Maybe eventually I can even convince myself.

While waiting for the bus, I call Tessa again, to ask how she’s doing, but she doesn’t reply. I stare at my cell screen, trying not to read anything in it. Maybe she’s busy or in the shower. Maybe she’ll call me back later.

An hour later, stepping off the bus, I call once more. Still no reply.

I work my jaw, trying to release some of the tension. The chilly wind blowing down the street and right through my old jacket isn’t helping. Teeth chattering, I call Audrey’s apartment—and get Ash.

“Hey, Dylan.” He sounds cheerful enough—for Ash—and I relax a little.

“How’s everything?” I trudge down the street, and there’s a smell of burning wood on the air. “Is Tessa okay?”

“Yeah, she’s fine. She’s with Audrey and Dakota. They went shopping. She needs clothes, apparently.”

He makes it sound like a crazy thing to do—but I remember how pale and scared Tessa was after encountering Sean on her doorstep. Of course she wouldn’t want to go back to get her clothes.

“Listen…” I’m approaching home, rounding the street bend. “Tell her I’ll go with her. If she wants to go back to her apartment, get her things.”

“Anyone of us can go with her, man, if that’s what she wants,” Asher mutters.

“I know. Just tell her, okay? And if there’s anything else she needs…” Dammit, Dylan. What can you offer her she doesn’t already have? “If she needs a job, I… I need a babysitter. Tell her.”

Yeah, I’m finally off my rocker. How can I afford a babysitter?

Then again, if someone looks after my bros, then maybe I can get more jobs.

As if Tessa would want to be anywhere around my brothers and me. As if she can’t find a job a thousand times better. She’s an intelligent person. She doesn’t need to look after my family for pennies.

“I’ll tell her,” Asher says, and then, “You shouldn’t have done it, man. You should have stayed away from her.”

I stumble and catch my footing in the last second before I faceplant. Fuck him. I want to tell him to shove it, but I can’t. Because that’s exactly what I told him about Audrey. To stay away from her. I don’t know if he’s throwing my words back into my face deliberately or by chance. In any case, he’s right. I should.

Only I can’t.

“You didn’t stay away from Audrey. And you’re happy.”

“Dylan…”

“What? What did Tessa tell you?”

“Fuck, man… I’m not your dad. I’m just saying it would be easier for her if you stayed away.”

Heat climbs my neck. Shit. I kick at a stone on the sidewalk and watch it skitter away. “Dammit. I can’t… fucking be without her. This sucks.”

“Took you a long time to realize that.”

“Like it took you with Audrey?”

“You know what? Fuck you, Dylan,” Ash mutters. “You don’t get to be judgmental, not of me, do you hear?”

“I hear you.” I want to snap and yell at him, but he’s right again. He still hasn’t forgiven me. Why should he? I deserve his anger.

“She waited for you,” Ash goes on. He’s on a roll today. “She threw you fucking birthday parties, had your back ever since I can remember, and you never glanced at her fucking twice since you broke up back in school, and now you suddenly decide to have her back, now that she’s going through this mess with her parents and this stalker guy? What the hell, man?”

I wince and start walking faster. “I had my reasons for what I did, and for all it’s worth, I’m fucking sorry. I know I screwed up.”

“Sorry? Well, guess what. It’s her you should tell that to, not me, and you’ll have to try harder than that. Just saying you’re sorry doesn’t fucking cut it.”

I let out a long breath. Yeah… Only problem is, she doesn’t seem to need me anymore, and the thought terrifies me.

I thought we could be friends. That I’d still get to be around her, see her, smell her, feel her… But I want more, and I took more, and now I’ve broken what little was left for us both.

“I will,” I say. “Shit, man, I’ll try harder.”

“You’d better.” Ash is saying something more, but his voice fades as a buzzing starts in my ears. I slow down.

Dad is standing at the front door. He’s holding it half-open, looking right at me.

I disconnect the call. “Dad?”

Ramming the cell into my back pocket, I hurry down the broken path to the house. He hasn’t been home in at least a week, and the sight of him on the doorstep brings unexpected warmth to my chest.

My dad. He’s waiting for me to come home. For a heartbeat, past and present blur, as if the last six years never happened, and I see Dad as he used to be—straight and strong, smiling. Somehow I wait for Mom to appear behind him and wrap her arms around him, and the scent of cooking to waft through the open door…

Dad vanishes back into the house, and the illusion shatters.

I slide inside and snap the door shut behind me, glad to be out of the biting wind. “Dad?”

It’s dead quiet. I walk into the living room, and I almost turn toward the bedrooms. Almost not notice my two brothers sitting on the couch, silent and still, something scrawled in black on their foreheads.

Everything in me turns cold.

‘SINNER,’ reads the writing on Miles’s forehead. ‘REPENT,’ on Teo’s.

Their eyes are wide, their small bodies rigid. They’re holding hands.

Holy fuck. I drop to my knees in front of them, my heart booming. “Miles? Are you all right? Did he do anything to you?”

Miles shakes his head. Teo whimpers, and I pat his small hand awkwardly. I’m so full of rage right now I don’t trust myself to be gentle.

“Stay here. Stay together. Everything’s okay. I’ll be right back.”

Satisfied the boys are at least physically okay, I get back on my feet and go hunting for my father.

“Dad, where the hell are you? Come here right now.” I check the bedrooms. Empty. “Dad, dammit! What do you think you’re doing? Are you out of your motherfucking mind?”

It’s possible, I think, as I check the kitchen, then double back to the living room to reassure myself my brothers are still there, still okay. Possible he’s gone crazy.

They’re there, still holding hands. Still looking scared as all hell. No sign of my dad.

Shit. I run both hands through my short hair and tug on my lip ring with my teeth. What’s going on here?

Something taped on the wall catches my eye. A piece of paper. No, a page torn from a large book. A drawing.

I hurry over and study it, my frown deepening. It’s from a religious book. It shows what I assume is hell, demons burning in the fires of the pit. Across it, in a red marker this time, is written ‘I shall cleanse you with fire.’

What the what?

“Goddammit, Dad,” I hiss under my breath, pulling the page free and scrunching it up. “What’s up with you now?”

I know he’s depressed, but I’ll have to have a word with him. Scaring my bros isn’t acceptable. What’s this church he’s joined now? I jotted down the name the other day. I need to check it online, but as we don’t have the internet at home, not to mention the fact my laptop breathed its last in the summer, it’ll have to wait.

Most important things first.

I grab a rag, wet it and go kneel again in front of my brothers. I clean the words from their foreheads, and then, in spite of my own dark thoughts, I sit between them on the sofa, put my arms around them and tell them everything’s gonna be all right.