“Okay, Olive. You take care of yourself and that beautiful baby now.” Dr. Hollis waves as I’m leaving her office. I stop at the desk to pay when my phone buzzes in my purse. I kick the brake on the stroller down to sign the receipt and pluck my phone out quickly to see who it is.
Seb: How’d the checkup go?
My chest warms, and I’m sure I’ve got a goofy little smile on my face. Things have slowly gotten better over the past five or so weeks as Rose and I have settled into a tentative routine, which means Millie doesn’t look like she’s about to move in or have a hysterectomy. I still see her every few days, though; she can’t go too long without her Rose fix after all. Seb—even though he’s no longer spending the night with Rose being more settled now—still pops in at least once a day. Whether it’s to bring dinner, breakfast, or just to watch some TV after work and have a bit of a snuggle with Rose. It not only melts me into a puddle, but I appreciate it, too. It means I get to shower sometimes without hanging my head outside the glass door for fear of not hearing Rose cry even though my house is on the smaller side and I have a baby monitor. This mom gig is hard, and some days are harder than others when worry and exhaustion set in. I wouldn’t say it gets easier; it just gets better as I’ve learned to adjust.
I’ve also come to realize that I may be a wee bit of a glutton for punishment. I know I’m falling for this amazing man who’s stepped into my life at the most perfectly imperfect time. If it were even possible at this stage, I don’t know if I’d even want to stop this slow fall into uncharted waters. I know what the risks are, but my still bruised and battered heart seems to be running the show. This constant battle my brain seems to be having with my heart about whether it should trust my heart’s decision this time around is exhausting beyond measure. We’ve all seen how wrong it’s been before, though.
I tap out a quick response, needing to get home in time for Rose’s next bottle.
Me: That depends. Are you inquiring about Rose or me?
I drop my phone into my purse, kick the brake back up, and thank the receptionist before pulling the door open and maneuvering the stroller through as my ass keeps it propped open. I didn’t realize how much use all my body parts would be getting until these past six weeks. I even tried to pick up the TV remote with my toes the night before last due to Rose sleeping in my arms.
The winter sun has me pulling over briefly to check a bundled up, almost sleeping Rose. I tug the windbreaker down over the hood of the stroller to cage her in from the glare and cold wind. I button up my coat, slide my sunglasses on, and start the walk home. I hear my phone buzzing again in my purse but don’t check it until I’m sitting on the couch at home with Rose as she’s drinking her bottle.
Seb: Liv … you know better than to ask that.
Me: I know, my bad. Both of us are fine. I went from having a baby that scared the shit out of me with not eating enough to having quite the chunkster now.
Seb: She is adorably chubby. Not chunky. :P
I laugh at that. Her weight gain is a huge relief, to be honest. I look down at her, and she stops drinking to stare at me, a tiny smile tugging at her lips around the teat of the bottle. “You’re a chunky monkey; yes, you are,” I coo before wiping up some milk that’s escaped her mouth with the bib. You know you’re a mom when you start doing shit you promised yourself that you’d never do if you ever had a child. Like baby talk.
She goes back to drinking as I tap out another reply.
Me: What time are you working today?
I set the bottle down, burp her, and check her diaper before placing her in the swing that Seb got for her next to the couch.
Seb: At work now, just between call-outs so I’m taking an early lunch. I’ll come over tonight?
I know I shouldn’t encourage him. We can only handle so many heated looks, flirty touches, and forehead kisses before one of us is liable to crack. But my fingers tap out a response before my brain can talk them out of it.
Me: We’ll be here. :)
I look over to see Rose sleeping peacefully and take the bottle to the sink to rinse it out. I’m drying my hands when there’s a knock on the door. I quickly check back in on Rose before hurrying to answer it. I see Linda through the peephole and open the door for her, stepping back to let her in.
She leans in to kiss my cheek and pats my arm. “How’re you doing, dear? Where’s my little cherub?”
I close the door and point toward the living room. “I’m good, and she’s sleeping. Just had a bottle.” I walk off to prep the coffee machine, loving that I can enjoy real coffee again. “Coffee?” I ask. She nods, placing her bag and coat down on the dining table.
“She had her shots this morning, so I’m hoping she doesn’t react too badly to them. It was bad enough watching her cry through the ordeal at the doctors.”
“Poor little darling. Let me have a look at her …” she trails off while walking to the living room.
I finish making the coffees and put them on the coffee table before sitting and watching Linda. She’s bent over, clicking away on her phone over a sleeping Rose, taking photo after photo.
“Just gorgeous, isn’t she?”
I smile at Rose and agree. Sometimes, I can’t believe how lucky I am.
Linda straightens and takes a seat next to me, putting her phone down and picking up her mug to take a sip. “How’s she settling now? Are you getting more sleep?”
I tuck some hair behind my ear, still looking at Rose before I turn to Linda.
“She wakes at least twice a night at the moment, but that’s a huge improvement from not sleeping for more than an hour. So I’m starting to get into the swing of things and feel human again.”
She smiles around the rim of her mug. “Ah, the joys of it all. Take time to enjoy it, dear, because it flies by.” I nod, already starting to see that myself. Sometimes, it feels as if she’s always been here with me. Then at other times, it’s like she just arrived yesterday.
“I wish I didn’t have to, but I’ve got to go back to London by the end of the week.”
“Really? Already?”
She nods. “I know; it’s never long enough. Even if I do love being there. I’ll be back as soon as I can, though. I’ll look into taking a week off in a couple of months. If I can make it that long without seeing that sweet little face.” She gazes lovingly at Rose.
“I’ll keep you updated on everything. I can text you photos and any videos I take if you want?” I pick up my mug and take a couple of gulps rather than sip. It’s like I’ve waited nine months to get a fix, so now I’m greedy with every cup, never wanting to waste a drop.
Linda gives me a huge smile. “Oh, that would be wonderful. Thank you. I know it hasn’t been easy with me around, being that idiot’s mother and all.”
Sighing, I place my liquid gold down before turning to face her. “Linda, it’s not like that. It was a little hard at first, but his actions have nothing to do with you. You’re welcome here to see Rose and check in over the phone whenever you want. Don’t ever worry about that, okay?”
She pats my hand and looks over at Rose, a sad smile pulling at the corner of her mouth.
“You know, I tried to call him quite a few times before Rose was born. No answer, of course. And I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve called since she was born. He doesn’t even have an active voicemail anymore.” She wipes at a tear that escaped before continuing. “I know you probably want me to stop trying, and I can understand completely why you’ve all but given up. I respect that. You did all you could with a man who only pushed you away at every turn. I … I just can’t yet. I know as a mother—and a grandmother now—how precious this time is, how fleeting. I know that one day he’s going to hate himself for this if he doesn’t already. But that hate will turn into something that might destroy him if he ever comes back and he’s missed out on too much.”
I can see where she’s coming from. I really can. These thoughts still invade my mind every day even though I’m trying my best to move forward. He is Rose’s father. No matter how much I resent him for everything he’s put us both through, there’s no changing that. But Linda needs to face the facts as much as I’ve now had to—that he won’t be back—which I think will take some more time since her wounds are still bleeding. Whereas mine have scabbed over and are to a point where it might sting for a long time to come whenever something touches them. But I am healing, and I know exactly who’s responsible for helping me with that. There was no way I could’ve survived this without her, but it wasn’t only Millie.
His face appears in the forefront of my mind every night before I fall asleep and during the day doing menial tasks around the house. Anytime, anywhere really, he sneaks up on me. Even if I have no fucking idea about what to do with him, with these growing feelings, I’m grateful for a new pattern all the same.
“Linda, I know this might sound harsh.” I pick my coffee back up, needing something to hold on to right now. “But the second our baby girl entered this world is when I stopped believing there was a chance he’d ever come back.” I sigh and take a big sip. “It’s not only necessary for my wellbeing that I stop hoping, but it’s also something I truly believe, at this point, won’t ever happen. I just hope when you realize the same thing, it doesn’t crush you. It’s his fault he’s missing this; you’ve done more than anyone would expect of you at this point. He’s a grown man. It’s up to him, and he firmly made up his mind many months ago.”
She wipes another tear away and tries to smile at me. “I know, dear, I know. Short of tracking him down, what else can I do? I’ll be okay. I’ve got you two, after all.” She pats my hand again, and I smile reassuringly at her while nodding. There’s no way I’m giving up the location I saw him checked in at on Facebook all those months ago. Like I said, it’s up to him. If he wanted to be here, then he would be. Having his mom chase after him, without knowing if he’s even actually in Crestal Lake, is probably a complete waste of time and emotion. I tip my head back and down the rest of my coffee, wishing it was something a little stronger right now.
We’re interrupted by Rose when she wakes up and immediately starts fussing. I place my mug down and go to her. Picking her up, I turn to Linda. “I’m just going to change her. I’ll be right back.”
“Nonsense. I’m not letting that baby girl out of my sight until I have to since I won’t get to see her for a long while. I’m right behind you.” She puts her mug down and follows me into the nursery just as I lay Rose down and unsnap her onesie. She reaches down and passes me the wipes. I thank her and get to work cleaning her and removing the soiled diaper. Rolling it quickly into a ball, I chuck it in the disposal next to me. Linda, already having an unfolded diaper in her hand, passes it over before moving to touch a fussing Rose’s soft head as she starts cooing at her, which thankfully settles her enough for me to concentrate on getting her suit fastened.
Linda takes her when I’m done, so I use the opportunity to take the dirty diaper outside, shivering as I run to the trashcan and back inside. I wash my hands and walk back into the living room to find Linda still cooing and chatting away to Rose in the armchair while patting her bottom. Rose grants her a small, lopsided smile, which has Linda grinning as if she just got handed a brand-new car. I’m unsure if those rare smiles Rose has been handing out over the past couple of days are real or just gas at this stage, but I’ll take what I can get and love it all the same.