I didn’t end up seeing Seb yesterday. He sent me a text saying he was working a double and that he’d see me tomorrow. As in today. But it’s now seven at night. I’ve just given Rose a bath and bottle before putting her to bed, and there’s still no sign of him. I place the baby monitor on the coffee table and lie back on the couch as I flick through the channels. I settle on a random rerun of MythBusters, knowing I’m not in the frame of mind to even concentrate on watching something with these conflicting thoughts vying for attention in my head.
Even after my talk with Millie yesterday, my brain and heart just won’t sync. My heart wants to let go while my head says to back up and beware. For the first time in a long time, I find myself wanting to listen to my heart. I want nothing more than to be free of this fear that holds me captive. But sometimes wanting something, no matter how badly, just isn’t enough to set yourself free.
The sound of the front door opening and closing jolts me from my thoughts.
“Liv, you here?”
I sit up and turn to see the reason for my conflicted state throwing his keys on the dining table before he’s striding toward me with purpose. He sits down next to me, and I freeze. This is the first time I’ve seen him since he kissed my brains out in my laundry room two days ago. I settle for trying to sound casual even though my rioting emotions have me feeling like a fraud.
“Hey,” I whisper. He’s wearing his usual jeans, but a long-sleeved band t-shirt is hugging his chest, that firm, smooth chest with the tiniest sprinkling of chest hair. That I touched, felt, and rubbed my hands all over just two days ago. A wave of heat rolls over me at the memory of his smooth skin.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t get here sooner; I had to go home and shower first, too, seeing as everyone at work is dropping like flies with a flu bug or something. How’s Rose?” He sits back against the couch, slipping off his Converse and spreading his legs as he relaxes.
“She’s good; got a bit fussy this afternoon and ended up sleeping on me for her afternoon nap, but she’s cute, so I’ll deal.” I try for humor. The electric tension in this living room is starting to raise the hair on my arms. Maybe we need to go with the whole rip-the-Band-aid-off approach and actually discuss what’s really eating at us.
Good plan, one that I’m too chicken shit to follow through with first.
I see him smile out of the corner of my eye while I stare at his hand, which is currently scratching his hip. Damn, he has nice hips. Lean and defined. I love the way his broad chest and arms taper into his waist. The way my legs wrapped around it with perfect ease.
“Liv.”
Shit. I scrub my palms over my cheeks. “Yeah?”
He smirks as if he knows exactly where my thoughts just traveled.
“As much as I love watching you daydream while staring at me, we need to talk.”
“That sounds ominous.” I raise my brows at him.
He chuckles, lifting a hand and rubbing his neck. Shit, he’s nervous. Maybe I’ve been making up all this crap in my head. Maybe, after everything Zeke put me through, I’m going insane. That all the signs, touches, and words said have been the workings of my delusional mind. I start to panic, holy shit. What if, because he’s now had a taste, he realizes we’re just better off as friends? My chest hurts painfully at the thought. But I manage to look at him and nod. He must see the alarm on my face because I’m pulled onto his lap. “Whoa,” I breathe, adjusting my legs on either side of him and placing my hands on his chest.
“I had to get that overactive brain of yours to shut up so I could have your full attention.” I watch his lips as he talks.
“Well, effective. You’ve got it.” I lean closer to his mouth as I talk. Like a magnet dragging me forward, the need to make them connect overwhelms me. He smiles, and I see those white teeth with the slightly crooked one on the bottom. The dimple. Fuck, yes. I reach up and do what I’ve wanted to for months now. I poke it.
He gives me a full-blown grin, and I raise my gaze to his amused eyes. “What?”
“Did you really just poke me?”
“Your dimple.”
He quirks a brown, thick brow. “What about it?”
“I love it. I’m actually kind of obsessed with it. I’ve wanted to touch it for so freaking long.”
He throws his head back on a laugh.
“You have an amazing laugh, Seb Mathews.” Crap. Emotion mixed with desire make me a wanton, honest-thought spewer.
“I happen to think that you do, but quit distracting me.” He grabs my hips and moves me back a few inches, away from his mouth. My shoulders deflate a little.
“We need to talk. What’s been up with you? You didn’t reply to my last message or calls yesterday. And Mariel says she saw you race out of the grocery store like your ass was on fire.”
I should’ve known that Seb and perception go hand in hand. Sighing, I go to move off his lap, which he halts with his hands tightening on my hips.
“Liv, spill.”
I contemplate lying. I have a baby after all, so I can come up with plenty these days without having to get too creative. But he knows me too well by now. I don’t know why I started to panic about him giving me mixed signals or potentially having lost interest. Just seeing the way he looks at me reassures me that I’m not crazy or alone in this.
“I saw you talking to the cashier … the way she was flirting with you, and I just thought …” I trail off while I look down at my hands in his lap.
He raises my chin, a scowl forming on his handsome features.
“I just thought that maybe this, whatever this is between us, isn’t fair to you. I have baggage, trust issues, not to mention a baby from another man who caused said issues. You could have anyone else, anyone you wanted. I mean look at you,” I mumble. “Why the hell would you pick me?” Accusation and disbelief fill my gaze as I stare at him.
I watch him let out a frustrated sigh before he moves me from his lap and stands, running a hand through his hair as he starts pacing my living room floor. “Do you think that I haven’t thought about that, Liv?” He stops and turns to me. “Do you think any of this was easy for me? That I wanted to fall for a woman who was having another man’s baby? A woman who probably still even loves that asshole?” He growls then pauses. I just sit here, feeling my heart dive into my stomach.
“Fucking hell, Liv. I’ve tried, believe me. I tried so fucking hard not to. But you”—he points accusingly at me—“you fucking did this to me. You made it virtually impossible not to fall in love with you. Not to see anything but you. I’m so far gone that I can’t even see what used to be behind me, only what lies ahead. And that’s you. You and that baby girl. You’ve both stolen my heart and soul, and I can’t”—both of his hands dive into his hair—“shit, I can’t see myself anywhere but right here. Nowhere else but right here with the two of you. My fucking heart has decided for me, Liv. And if you don’t want it, or you’re not ready, then that’s okay. But it’s no longer up to me. I’m not going anywhere, and I’m not interested in anyone else. I couldn’t be even if I tried.”
My heart is pounding, my vision clouding over with tears. I’m sure I look as shocked as I’m feeling. Those words, this man. God, I don’t even know what to say. His words and actions combined have been unfolding something inside me that I thought might stay forever closed after Zeke crumpled it up in the palm of his hand before his exit from our lives. I want this; I want him. So am I really going to live my life like this? Never allowing myself something beautiful, something real and all-consuming, for fear of getting my heart broken again? I don’t know. All I know is that I don’t want to live like that.
I don’t want to look back years from now with an ache in my chest from all the what-ifs I could’ve had with this beautiful man. A man who sets my soul on fire with one touch, who makes me smile and laugh when I thought no man could ever do that for me again, who gives and gives without taking anything in return.
A man who just said he loves me—love us.
Holy shit.
“Say something, Liv,” he pleads
I get up and walk over to him, not knowing what to say but knowing exactly what to do. He watches my every step with wary eyes, and I hate that I make him feel like that. That he doesn’t know which way I’ll run to—toward him or away. I stop in front of him and reach up to cup his face with my hands; he’s still breathing heavily, his chest heaving up and down as I guide his head down until our lips meet. “Liv,” he breathes.
I cut him off. “Shhh.” Then I kiss him.
He doesn’t react, but I keep going, grazing his upper lip and lower lip with mine before slipping my tongue between them. That has him snapping into action, and he picks me up and turns until my back hits the wall. I instinctively wrap my legs around his waist, deepening the kiss with a moan when his hardness starts to grind exactly where I need him. He breaks away, his heavy breath washing over my lips. “Liv, I—”
I cut him off again. “You love me?” My pulse is thundering in my ears,
He swallows and nods. “Fuck yes, every day, every hour, every fucking minute—for months. I don’t expect you to feel the same or to say it back. I wouldn’t want you to until you’re sure it’s me you want and only me. I can’t share you, Liv, not even with a ghost.”
I swallow and close my eyes, knowing I’ve fallen far beyond return. I just can’t bring myself to say it, especially when he’s right. He’s absolutely right. Zeke has no place in what’s developed between Seb and me. I can’t say that I don’t love him anymore, that doesn’t just go away, but the love I feel for Zeke is changing; it’s becoming more of a memory with each day spent with Seb. I’m also heart-wrenchingly aware that the man holding me up against my living room wall is the one who’s here with me. When I haven’t asked or expected a damn thing from him, he still hasn’t left me when I’ve needed him most. When I didn’t even realize I needed him, he’s always been exactly right here.
I open my eyes and nod. “Okay.”
“Okay?” He frowns.
“I get it, but I’m willing to try. I want this, you, us. Even if I shouldn’t.”
He stares at me for a minute, a slow smile forming on his kiss swollen lips before diving his head down into my neck and licking, sucking, and driving me mad while my hands grip the back of his head. My dress is up around my waist, and his hands move up my thighs to hold my ass as he runs his mouth over my jaw then up to my lips. Delving in and taking control of a kiss that has me gasping for breath when he pulls away to move down to my chest. He pulls the neckline down to place a kiss right between my breasts, causing me to squirm in his arms and drive my fingernails along his scalp. He groans and pulls away, slowly lowering me to the floor and righting my dress.
“What, what’s wrong?” I pant.
He scrubs his hands over his face then takes a deep breath, leaning in to peck me on the lips quickly. “I can’t do this with you, not now.”
Wait, what?
“You don’t want me?” I don’t believe that for a minute. But what the hell?
“No … shit,” He leans in, his hands gripping either side my face and his lips brushing mine as he speaks. “I want you, Liv, don’t ever doubt that. I want every piece of you, the broken and the beautiful, all of it. But I need every last inch of you to belong to me and me only.” He kisses me softly. “So not until you’re ready for that.”
My chest warms, my heart feeling lighter than it has in a long time. I’m seriously wondering what the hell I did to deserve this man.
“Does that mean you’ll be taking me out, Mr. Mathews?” I bite my lip.
He grins. “We have gone about things a bit unconventionally, haven’t we?”
“Unconventional is one of my many middle names.” I poke his dimple again, and he laughs that deep, throaty laugh that I don’t think I’ll ever tire of hearing. His glasses fall askew, so I reach up to push them back up his nose. We both freeze as Rose lets out a wail. “Nice going, Sebastian.” I laugh.
His smile lights up his whole face as he says, “I’ve got her,” then he’s walking out of the room while calling, “Coming, sweet girl.”
I hear Rose’s cries falter through the monitor at the sound of his voice.