How the hell am I going to do this?

I think the thought as I walk up the steps of Keil, the death march music practically playing on a loop in my ears. My stomach is filled with lead, my eyes already prickling with tears. I never even got the chance to tell Colton that I was falling in love with him, and now …

I’d have to break his heart. Their orders, their rules … finally catching up to me. I’d thought I was one step ahead of them, but they were quicker. More cunning. Gretchen and her minions knew I’d fall on my sword for Colton, and they were playing the brilliant hand they been dealt.

The hand they’d been given by Abby, that bloody traitor. All of this time, I thought she was my friend. But when she was shown power and status, she didn’t even flinch at taking my cell phone and throwing me under the bus.

The last few steps to Colton’s door on the second level of the house are painful. I feel like running in the opposite direction, perhaps boarding a plane now and just saying goodbye to this place forever. But then the Charter girls would expose him and the betting, and I couldn’t let that happen. So I had to do this.

When he sees me, he gets up from where he’d been lounging on his bed, and plants a kiss on my cheek. A quick one, as if he’d be doing that for a long time to come.

“How was your day, babe?”

I should just cut to the chase, and I don’t even respond to his question. It’s hard to force the words out of my throat, but I know I have to. “Listen, I’m leaving soon, and I think it would be better if we ended this now.”

He has his back to me, opening a bag of chips because the man is always hungry. He chuckles, thinking it’s a joke. “Yeah, okay, hilarious. You know an ocean was never going to stop me.”

I don’t respond, feeling completely distraught in this moment.

He turns around, his shirtless chest too distracting as those basketball shorts ride low on his hips. Even in this moment of crisis, I can’t help but gawk at how beautiful he truly is.

“Oh, come on … you’re not serious.” His smile falters, though.

I nod, unable to do anything else.

“Stop it, I know we haven’t fully discussed how this will work, but we’re not just breaking up. I told you I love you, and I do. I don’t just say that for shits and giggles, Eloise.” I can tell in his tone that he’s getting annoyed.

“It’s a long distance, golden boy. Two entirely different time zones, different lives. I’ll be working all night in restaurants, you’ll be out on the road for games. We’ll never see each other.”

I’m saying these things because I need to get rid of him, for his own good … but the facts ring true. If I’m being honest with myself, I had run through these concerns in my head plenty of times. These fears came from a real place, if not a secondary one at the moment. How would we have made it work? If I didn’t have to do this to save him, would we have lasted? Or would we have become just another couple swallowed in the sea of failed long-distance relationships?

“We’ll make it work, fuck this doubt. You’ve never been afraid of anything, of that I’m sure. So don’t be afraid to love me. Don’t be afraid to make this work … because I’m not. I don’t want to spook you, but you’re pretty much it for me, Eloise. I don’t ever plan on letting you go, so don’t do that to me. Be honest, what are you so afraid of?”

Honesty, it’s something we had from the very start. And per usual, he sees right through me. Knows exactly what to say to push every button, to bring all of my walls crumbling down.

“Because I love you, too, can’t you see that?! That’s why I have to leave you, because if I don’t … your life will go up in flames!” I throw my hands up, tears threatening to spill from my eyes.

Now that the emotions are clogging my throat, and tear ducts, I can’t remember the last time I cried. Ever. Historically, I’m not an overly emotional person, at least not on a deep level. The fact that I’m in hysterics over this man, over how I may ruin his chances, proves to me that I really am in love with him.

“What are you talking about, baby?” Colton rushes to me, trying to hold my hands but I pull them away. “Stop pushing me away! Talk to me.”

I move to the farthest corner of his room, trying to distance myself. “My phone, remember I lost it? Well, I didn’t, not really. Abby took it, that bloody traitor, to use against me with the Charter girls. Some last rite of passage for her if she wanted to be in, apparently. They broke open my phone without needing my password and read our text messages. Colton … they know about Mac. About your betting and stealing. They know about all of it.”

I watch as his face goes from confused over my initial attempted breakup, to ghastly pale when he realizes that someone else knows about what he did to make money for his mother. And then his neck flushes red with anger.

“Those fucking bitches … I knew you should have gotten out of that a long time ago. They’re nothing but poison, and I help perpetuate that. These goddamn social clubs, the people in them acting like they have some big leg up over anyone else on this campus. I can’t believe … fuck!”

He slams his fist against the wall, cracking some of the drywall. Resting his forehead against the wall and taking a breath, I know that he’s trying to reel it in.

“Are they going to expose me?” He walks to me, rubbing my arms up and down as I melt into him.

Even in this moment, as I’m trying to let him go, I cling to him like an anchor. “They claim that they won’t unless I break up with you. I threatened them with what I knew about the date rape rumors, and they kicked me out. Told me they’d take you down if I ever told anyone what I knew about the NDA. So as long as we aren’t together, you’re safe.”

I choke out a sob, because this whole situation is just bloody heartbreaking.

“No. No. You’re not doing this again, sacrificing yourself for me. You did it with Mac, I’m not letting you do it now. I’m going to make this right. And if you think you’re breaking up with me, then you’re out of your mind. I’m not letting you, so there.”

He crosses his arms over his chest, and I have to giggle a watery laugh because he looks like a five-year-old demanding something. “But what are we going to do?”

Colton frames my face with his hands. “We’re not going to do anything. I’m going to come clean.”