I feel as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest. Nicole had cancer. The thought of her going through the devastating treatments makes me wish I had been there with her. I would’ve held and comforted her when she was sick.
“Daniel, I know you said that it didn’t matter to you, and I believe that you mean that right now. But I have to tell you what happened to me two years ago.”
God, how much worse can this be for her?
“Two years ago, I got engaged to my boyfriend, Jay. We were so much in love, or so I thought.”
Shit, why is my stomach in knots? If this fucker hurt her, I’ll destroy him.
“Jay knew that I couldn’t have kids. He always said that same thing that you did. Ya know, it didn’t matter to him. We could adopt, right?”
I’m not liking where this is going.
Nicole takes a deep breath and continues. “A few months before the wedding, he admitted that he had cheated on me. He actually got her pregnant.”
Nicole starts to laugh. “Can you fucking believe it? He told me that he got drunk one night. A woman came on to him, he fucked her, and she got pregnant. I mean, who gets pregnant that fast?”
My first instinct is to stop her from explaining. I can see the hurt in her eyes. Letting her continue, it becomes apparent this asshole didn’t love her at all.
She continues explaining what happened. “It’s as if the world had it out for me. Of course, that’s not even the best part. Turns out the woman didn’t want children, so he had the nerve to ask me if I would help him raise the baby with him. So you see, it did matter to him. It always matters. I really can’t even be mad about the baby. He is innocent in this. When I told Jay I couldn’t do it, not because of the baby, but because of the mistrust, we broke up.”
Moving in as close as I can, I wrap her into my arms. “Nicole. I really don’t even know where to begin.”
“Daniel, I don’t want your pity or anything. Please don’t feel sorry for me. The cancer diagnosis was terrible. Thinking my life was going to end before it really began, I did some soul searching. I found out that the only things that really matter are those that you love and those who love you back. Unfortunately, I believed that included Jay, when it didn’t.”
Blowing out a deep breath, I stand and pace the floor. Nicole watches me as if she expects me to break down. Not wanting her to think that I pity her, I instead turn my attention to the future.
Looking at her, I try to assess what she’s told me. “So, the first and most important thing is that you are cancer-free. The second blessing, in my opinion, is that you are no longer engaged to a fucking dickhead. The third miracle is that you are in my life, as well as Lucy’s. My little girl is crazy about you, and so am I.”
“Daniel, it's not that simple. Don’t you get it? I can’t have children. Yes, I am eternally thankful that I’m cancer-free, as well as away from Jay. But when I look into the future, I see a very lonely life. I love children, Daniel. It’s why I became a teacher.”
Pulling her from the sofa, I kiss her as if my life depends on her kissing me back. Nicole responds, but I can tell this kiss is different. It’s as if she is kissing me goodbye.
When Nicole steps back from our kiss, I can see that she is struggling with what to do about us. Taking only a second to think, I make her decision for her.
“Come back and sit next to me,” I say, leading her by the hand.
“I need to say some things to you, and I hope you’ll let me get them out before you say anything, OK?”
Nicole nods, but I can tell she’s not quite convinced she won’t speak up.
“I want you to realize, Nicole, that the fact that you can’t physically have children has no bearing on how I feel about you, and it never will. I’m not, Jay. I know you and I are very attracted to each other. I want nothing more than to have a serious relationship with you if you’ll have me.”
Nicole starts to answer, but I place my finger on her lip. “I’m also aware that the attraction comes at a cost to you with your job. The last thing I want to do is make you feel guilty about seeing me. As much as I think it’s going to kill me, I want us to wait until Lucy is out of your class. I want us to still be friends and hang out, but I can see how much the physical relationship is putting you in an impossible situation.”
Putting her needs ahead of mine is what’s important. I hold my breath, waiting for her reaction. I hope she doesn’t think that I’m doing this because of what she told me. Thank god I don’t have to wait long.
Nicole looks at me intently, then reaches for my hand. “Thank you, Daniel. I know it’s not really what either of us wants. And I think it may just kill me too. Knowing that you and I will be in each other’s lives for the next seven months while not being able to kiss and touch each other will be torture for me.”
Suddenly, it hits me. “Seven months? Lucy doesn’t graduate kindergarten for seven months?” I question louder than I meant too.
Nicole laughs a full-bellied laugh. It’s nice to hear because of the seriousness of what she’s told me today.
“Yes, Daniel. She graduates the end of May,” she says with a smile. “Better mark it on your calendar. I know I will.”