CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
The session with Brad went seamlessly. The ensuing meetings were brief and straightforward. Tomorrow was the big day. I was about to embark on a major project, leasing land from retiring farmers in order to install wind turbines and solar panels. Renewable energy was a deep passion of mine, which to date had yielded some unexpected profits, especially from my investment in battery-operated scooters and cars.
“Jane, can you come in for a moment?” Apart from Greta, Jane was the jewel in the Thornhill Holdings crown. She ran everything single-handedly from New York. She was forty years old, and I suspected she was gay. That didn’t worry me. If anything, it was a refreshing change.
In the beginning, after my army days, I’d enjoyed the sport of fucking. My appetite was as healthy as any young man’s. But one day I woke up to myself. Suddenly I found women trying to pick me up irritating. Perhaps I was old-fashioned, but I had developed a more subtle approach to mating. It was intelligent conversation that mattered most, and of course, breathtaking beauty like Clarissa’s didn’t hurt.
Jane entered my office, dressed in her usual gray corporate skirt and white shirt. She never veered away from that look, which I appreciated. I liked my employees to look the part.
“Jane, can you arrange a large bunch of roses. Uh…” What should they be? Red…for passion? Or pink…a gentler, sensitive approach?
“Make them red. And make sure they’re fragrant. Spare no cost.” I scribbled out the details and handed them over.
I gleaned a faint smile. This was a first. Jane took the slip of paper and nodded. Good, professional as usual. The problem was at the other end. Would there be questions at the estate? The envelope was marked Private. At worst, Greta would assume that Clarissa had an admirer.
All these potential issues brought to light the cumbersome nature of this romance. I’d have to deal with it somehow because to discontinue was not an option.
“That’ll be all for today, Jane.”
I poured myself a whisky and called Kieren, my psychologist. He picked up straight away. “Hello, Aidan. How are you?”
“Well… you know. I’m calling you.”
“I take it you’re in New York. How’s all that going for you?”
Not one for small talk, I said, “I’ve met a girl.” I leaned back in my chair. I preferred his LA office with that impressive aquarium that always put me in a calm frame of mind. Instead, I had his placid face on my laptop.
Kieren was a quiet, even-tempered man who never rushed me. He had been my shrink after I left the forces, and I’d never strayed. Being middle-aged, he was paternal without being patronizing.
“That sounds like a healthy development,” said Kieren with a gentle smile.
I sighed. “Hmm…I suppose it is. Only Clarissa is my new PA. She only started two weeks ago.” I cleared my throat and moved my head to ease the tension in my neck.
“Oh, and you’re worried it’s a repeat of the Amy incident?”
“In many ways, I’m not. Clarissa is nothing like that. Amy threw herself at me. She was drunk, and I was vulnerable. I didn’t desire her like I do Clarissa.”
“Clarissa is a younger woman?”
“She is. Not that that’s the reason why I’m…she’s graceful, gentle, a beautiful woman whose virginity I took,” I said, surprising myself at the last admission. I released my clenched, sodden palms.
“Was she drunk?” he asked in his tranquilizing monotone.
“No. I mean, we’d had wine. I spoke to her at length about it. Clarissa wanted me to be her first.” My voice cracked. “She’s so desirable... this is a first for me, Kieren.” I paused to steady my breath. “I’ve never felt like this before.”
“When did it happen?”
“Last night,” I said, wiping my brow.
“It’s very recent, then.” He leaned back in his leather seat. “Tell me, what are your emotions now? Regret, longing, or the dread of having to face her?”
“Longing. None of the others,” I murmured. The answer came quicker than a heartbeat. “That’s the thing. My need to see her is overwhelming. And I’m here for two weeks…” I stopped myself, realizing how weak, even stupid I must have sounded.
“It does seem like you’ve fallen for this girl. That’s not strange. Attraction, desire can be so intense that it sweeps one away. It happened to me. It’s a totally natural and healthy reaction.”
I collected my thoughts. There was much I wanted to say. How was I to say it?
“Tell me, are you scared of losing her?” As usual, he’d nailed it.
I sighed. “Yes. I won’t be seeing her for two weeks. And I keep wondering if I’ve unlocked something in her.” What I really wanted to say was that Clarissa was so wet, so turned-on that I may have unleashed sexual need in her. Out of respect for Clarissa, I kept that to myself. All I could do was remind myself that the sexy angel who’d moaned in my arms as I entered her was a shy, unassuming, gracious girl.
“You need to learn to trust your judgement more, Aidan. She’s warm and good-natured, you say. She’s also inexperienced with men. And although you unleashed passionate yearning in her, I’m more than certain she won’t be running off to another so soon. In fact, I’m sure she’s as smitten as you are. You’re a handsome, sought-after bachelor.”
“But where to now? The thought of dating her excites me. But I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t want to give her false expectations.”
“What’s the worst thing that may happen here, Aidan?” he asked, removing his glasses.
I considered his question for a moment. “That I lose myself entirely—that I remain this unhinged and out of control. I can’t get her out of my mind,” I said, reaching for the bourbon.
“That sounds like someone who’s scared of falling in love,” said Kieren with a faint smile.
I didn’t respond. I pondered the love concept as I’d often done. “Yeah, well…you’re aware of my views on that.” I tried to do away with the cynicism but failed.
“It comes down to fear of abandonment, loss of control. Love comes with many commitments—commitments you’re frightened you will fail to meet. Perhaps it’s to do with your father not sticking around.”
“I disagree, Kieren. I don’t blame my father. Mom was a groupie. It was a casual encounter. And even if Dad wanted to hang around, my mom was a train wreck. Still is. And I don’t understand why that would enter my thinking where Clarissa’s involved. Since she’s nothing like my mother.”
“That’s right. She’s nothing like your mother. From what you say, she’s loyal, gracious, and potentially an ideal match for you. Time will only tell if that’s so.”
“But you know my views on marriage,” I said, frustrated. I combed my hair back with my sweaty palms. It was getting too long. I brushed it away from my collar. But I also recalled Clarissa running her hands through it, declaring in her sensual, breathy voice that she loved long hair on men.
“Is that mainly due to your nightmares?”
Taking a deep breath, I replied, “How is someone meant to put up with the cries, the sweat-drenched sheets?”
“Are you also thinking about Jessica?”
A shiver ran up my spine at the mention of my ex-fiancée—my old control-freak girl-friend. Now, that had been a bad choice. We were introduced at one of my earlier gala evenings. Being new to the tycoon label, I’d been impressed by her old-money pedigree. She was also well-educated and quick-witted, which were her finer points. But I just couldn’t stomach her bossiness and spoiled-brat behavior, not to mention her addiction to cosmetic surgery.
“I dodged a bullet there for sure,” I said, regretting the metaphor as it brought back the reason I had a shrink in the first place. “News is she’s back, circling around.”
“Oh? And how do you feel about that?”
There was that question again. Fuck, if my over-active, sleep-deprived brain could find the answer to that, the real Aidan Thornhill might finally reveal himself. “I haven’t given it much thought, to be honest, only…” I pushed my hair back from my face.
“Only what, Aidan?” He sat forward, facing me.
“Not sure, Kieren. I suppose… I hope she doesn’t resurface. I heard she’s back in LA. But getting back to what we were saying earlier, I can’t compare the two women. I wasn’t gaga about Jessica the way I am for Clarissa. It is completely different.”
“The right woman will heal. Love is healing. She’ll be understanding and patient. These days, there’s more awareness of post-traumatic stress disorder suffered by ex-soldiers. Parasomnia is more common than you think. It is treatable. If need be, there are sleeping pills you can take to de-activate the REM cycle, thus defusing the nightmares. I’ve mentioned that before.”
“I’m hardly likely to make a suitable partner,” I said, my typical pessimism resurfacing.
“I actually think you’ll make someone a brilliant husband and father. You’re reliable, patient, and generous—perfect attributes.”
I exhaled long and hard. “I don’t know. I’m broken in many ways.”
“You’re improving all the time, Aidan. You’re not the same young, wounded man I first encountered six years ago. You’ve come a long way.”
I pictured the shaking mess that had been me at twenty-five—defensive, volatile, hating shrinks. Now, I couldn’t imagine my life without him. “But it still leaves me with the dilemma of what to do with Clarissa. She’s my employee, and an excellent one at that. Probably the best we’ve ever had. I’m messed-up over this, Kieren.”
“It’s simpler than you think. Enjoy getting to know her. Go with the flow. Don’t over-think it. And by all means, never say never,” he said, concluding our session.
His was the voice of reason, and as with all my sessions with Kieren, I walked away calmer. The knot finally left my chest. “Thanks for fitting me in. I’ll see you back in LA.”
I closed down the screen and headed up to my bedroom. It had been a busy day.