CHAPTER THIRTY
CLARISSA
The rest of the week went by quickly. I made sure the days were filled so there was no room for contemplation. Bemused by my incessant industry, Greta said, “At this rate, you can have the whole of next week off.”
Despite being perplexed about my nervous energy, Greta wore a permanent smile. Her freshly tinted hair was down, and she was looking younger than ever. I suspected it was for my father’s benefit. They got on so well. It was heartening. My solitary dad deserved a woman like Greta. And I noticed, much to my joy, that he liked the attention, not to mention the excellent meals.
When I could lure him away from the library, we’d take pleasant, long walks around the grounds—that was, when he wasn’t going for beach walks with Greta. I’d never seen Greta in leisure mode. I was happy for both of them. I wasn’t sure if it had turned romantic. I was happier not knowing. I couldn’t get my head around my dad being that way inclined. Not that I was prudish anymore. How could I be after what I’d recently been up to?
Greta was such a good woman. Her initial officious bearing had gone. She was so generous and caring. I recalled Aidan describing her more as a mother than an aunt, and any mention of his actual mother sent him into a dark mood.
There was so much I didn’t know about Aidan. Still, I couldn’t erase from my mind the expression on his face when I kicked him out. His magnetic blue eyes had been filled with sadness, despair, and frustration. It was a new man standing in front of me. He was broken. The image haunted me. Each time I thought of it fresh tears erupted. My eyes were puffy. Although it had only been a few nights since I’d seen Aidan, it seemed more like a month. I missed him profoundly. He’d taken a part of me away. I drifted about like a shadow.
As it was Friday, I decided to head for our apartment. I needed to see Tabitha. We hadn’t spoken since the weekend. Therefore, she wasn’t aware of my break with Aidan.
It was bumper-to-bumper traffic, so I switched on the radio to pass the time. And just to further rip at my cold spirit, “Moon Dance” came on. That was one of Aidan’s favorite songs, one he’d played on the yacht. Memories flooded in. My throat thickened with emotion. I recalled Aidan singing along with it. He sang in tune, really well in fact, and even swayed a little. I recalled my amusement and arousal as I watched him.
Tears poured out. I hoped the other drivers couldn’t see me. I was sure that my face was contorted with grief, something sunglasses couldn’t hide.
Aidan hadn’t even tried to contact me. That hurt. Why wasn’t he fighting to win me back? Maybe he’d moved on after fooling me with his purported passion for me. But the memory of the despair in his eyes contradicted that line of thinking.
The tears just fell and fell, I should have cried myself dry by that point. My pillow at the cottage was drenched. How gray life was without Aidan. I wanted rain, not sunshine. Even the weather annoyed me. It should have been sympathetic to my grief. That was how deranged I’d become. I’d lost my mind to love.
When I walked through the door of our apartment, I found Tabitha painting her nails and the TV blaring.
“Hey, Clary,” she said, smiling brightly.
“Hey there. What’s happening? Is Josh here?” I looked about the place. It was unexpectedly clean. I assumed that was Josh’s doing. He was not only an amiable guy, but a clean freak as well. That was a godsend, considering Tabitha’s untidiness.
“No, he’s gone for a weekend with the boys. Fishing.” Tabitha tapped the sofa. “Sit down. I’ll get us a wine.” She jumped up.
I turned down the TV.
“I’m pissed with you,” Tabitha said, handing me a glass of chilled wine. “No calls. You can’t be that busy.”
“Sorry, Tabs, it’s been a hard week.” My voice was shaky. I was fighting back tears.
A look of concern pushed away her frown. “Why, what’s happened?” Tabitha sat close and faced me.
“I broke it off with Aidan.” I took a large gulp of wine.
“Huh? Why?” She had that expression of disbelief she got whenever I did or said something radical.
“I found out he had a fiancée.”
“Holy shit.” Tabitha’s mouth dropped open. “How did you find out? I mean, there’s nothing in the media about it. We looked, remember?”
“We didn’t look closely enough, it seems. Anyway…” I sighed. “I confronted Aidan about it. He said he’d broken off with her but didn’t make it known officially because he didn’t want to upset her.”
She shook her head and opened out her hands. “What’s your problem? That sounds reasonable enough.”
“It was the bit about him being a ladies’ man. That’s what upset me.” I held my head in my hands.
“Well, I’m not surprised. He’s a hottie. Girls throw themselves at him all the time. You dropped him because of that? Seriously?” Her brows were knitted.
“I’m frightened of being hurt. I’m just too sensitive for this kind of thing. And I’ve really fallen for him, Tabs. It all happened so quickly. The calls, the flowers, his inability to stop touching me…” My voice thickened with sobs.
Tabitha grabbed a handful of tissues and passed them to me. “Shit, Clary, you’re still young. We’re both still young. I mean, even if it doesn’t last, the experience would still be amazing—multiple orgasms, non-stop cunnilingus…”
She was trying to make me laugh. Instead, I winced. “It wasn’t just the sex. Even though, yeah”—I sighed ruefully— “it was amazing. Not that I can compare it to anything.”
“Well, let’s just say that a yummy, fat nine-inch penis and someone who gets off on having his tongue inside of you, in my estimation, is ten out of ten even if it is short-lived.”
“Tabitha Hendry, you’re a sex maniac.” A smile chased away my tears. Through talking, even if it was crude, my pain had eased a little. As usual, Tabitha had made me blush. I had forgotten how much detail I’d divulged. It would have been impossible to keep anything from Tabitha.
“I never measured it, you know,” I said.
We looked at each other and giggled. The wine had kicked in. The tightness in my chest dissipated. And for the first time all week, I felt almost sane.
“You will just have to win him back.” Tabitha went to get us a refill.
“How? And do I want to, Tabs? I’m not like you. I’m too sensitive for this game of casual sex.”
“Are you implying that I’m not? Holy shit, you’ve seen how inconsolable I get over every fucked-up relationship,” said Tabitha, pulling a long face.
“Sorry, Tabs. You’re right. We’re both fragile. But you’re more of a risk- taker than me, I suppose.”
My phone beeped, making me jump.
Tabitha’s face lit up with excitement. “It’s probably him. Quick, check it out.”
I burrowed into my busy handbag and grabbed my phone. When the screen lit up, Aidan’s name flashed in front of me, and my heart did a somersault.
“Is it him?” Tabitha asked.
Unable to hide my delight and fear, I nodded, peering down at his message: I’m heading back tonight. Will you be there this weekend?
“Well, what’s it say?” Tabitha asked, standing over me, hands on hips. I showed her. “Call him. Don’t text. Tell him you’ll be there tomorrow. That you’re going out with your friends tonight. That will make him wonder a little.”
My mind went into a spin. How could I call him when I could barely speak? “I don’t know, Tabs. I can’t just be friends with him. Not after what we’ve experienced. Just being around him makes me go all gooey,” I said, rolling my eyes at such a stupid expression. I joined Tabitha in a laugh, which helped ease the tightness in my belly.
“Don’t be friends.” Tabitha gesticulated. “Like, as if you’re going to talk about Monet. For God’s sake, Clary, this guy is nuts about you.”
“He loves art,” I protested. “Do you really think I should call him?”
Wide-eyed, Tabitha nodded emphatically. “Hell, yeah.”
I kept gazing down at his message, trying to glean some hidden meaning. It was really my way of stalling for time while I built up the courage to make the call.
“Just do it, Clarissa. Tell him you’ll see him tomorrow. Go to the beach. Wear a skimpy bikini. We’ll go shopping for one now. Then we’ll drop in at Sammy’s for dinner. Come on—it’ll be fun.”
“All right, but I need to do it alone, away from you. You’ll make me laugh.” Anxiety tended to make me giggle at all the wrong moments. And wide-eyed Tabitha, with those ridiculous expressions she pulled, would be dangerous.
I sat on my bed. My hands trembled while dialing his number. He picked up straight away.
“Clarissa,” he husked. That voice sent a million shivers through me.
“Hello.” My mind had gone blank.
“Where are you?”
“I’m at my apartment.”
“Oh, not at Malibu?” He sounded disappointed.
“No. I’m just doing a little shopping and then going for a meal with Tabitha, the girl who you met the other night.”
“Oh, right? Just the two of you?” he asked.
“I suppose so.”
“You suppose so?”
“We might catch up with her brother, Johnny. He’s an old friend,” I said, recrossing my legs for the umpteenth time.
“Are you staying downtown all weekend? Can I meet you there somewhere?”
“If you like… I mean, I thought of returning to the cottage tomorrow.”
“How about if I catch up with you later on tonight then? There’s a venue I’d love to take you to. It has live R&B music. What do you think?”
His voice had my lower regions gushing. I would’ve agreed to a gig where they performed scratching on a blackboard just to see him. How could one resist a man who sounded like that? “Okay, that sounds really cool. Where shall we meet?”
“Send me a text when you’ve finished your meal. I can swing by and pick you up. Is that good?”
“Yeah, that’s good,” I said, unable to stop smiling.
“Speak to you soon, then. I look forward to it.”
“Yes… me too.” I put down the phone and headed for the bathroom.
Drenched with sweat, I turned on the shower taps. Tabitha’s sage advice ran through my mind. Age was on my side. And Aidan was about experience and fun. My heart, meanwhile, would have to learn to cope.
As hot water cascaded over me, massaging, and unravelling my tight muscles, I questioned whether I was doing a deal with the devil.
Not surprisingly, when I got out of the shower, I found Tabitha poking her head in my closet. “What did he say?”
“He’s going to pick me up after we’ve had our meal. He wants to take me to a live R&B venue,” I said, staring at the green dress that Tabitha had in her hand.
“I think I’ll wear that.” I stroked the silky chiffon fabric with affection. It was another of my mother’s dresses. She’d bought it in London—Carnaby Street, no less. And I loved it to pieces.
“You don’t think it’s too vintage?” asked Tabitha, going through my closet. She pulled out a little red dress. “Now, this speaks of sex.”
“Oh, Tabs, please. I want to be myself. And I love this green dress. He needs to take me as I am. Vintage dresses and all.”
“I suppose. And it is your color.”
The green chiffon dress had a full circle skirt. As I spun around, it floated in the air. Tilting my head from side to side, I studied myself in the mirror. The double layer of green chiffon cascaded elegantly from my waist. It had a fitted bodice, no sleeves, and was cut low enough so that my cleavage spilt out a little. It suited my mood. And the bottle green matched my dark hair and pale complexion well.
The night was hot, so I kept my legs naked. To finish it off, I found a pair of gold sling-backs, also from my mother’s collection.
“You look fantastic, Clary,” said Tabitha, dressed in jeans and the silk floral blouse I’d recently gifted her. Unlike me, she loved contemporary clothing, especially tight-fitting jeans. Since she was blessed with long, slender legs and a svelte, model-like, figure they suited her brilliantly.
“What are you going to do with that mane of yours?” she asked, grabbing my hair and experimenting by twisting it into a bun.
“Maybe a ponytail.”
“What about the plaits? They looked so girlishly sexy the other night.”
I opted for the ponytail.
After Tabitha insisted, I let her do my make-up. Nobody applied eyeliner like Tabitha. Deft with color and applications that required a steady hand, she would have made a fabulous make-up artist. But the drifter who was my best friend lacked the ambition for that.
Now that I made a decent wage, I paid the entire rent for our apartment and stocked the cupboards. I imagined Josh, who was doing well financially, would do his bit as well. He seemed to enjoy caring for Tabitha. I just hoped that she wouldn’t sabotage it by getting back with Steve, knowing that unhealthy appetite she had for older men.