Chapter 15

MORE THAN a week after Torres came by the bar to ask about Terry, Thomas stared at the scotch Randy had poured for him and resisted the temptation to down it. He didn’t need to get buzzed. There was a big committee meeting scheduled for the morning. In fact he shouldn’t have stopped in at all, but it had been weeks since he’d run into Zachary, and he thought maybe he’d be in the bar. Thomas wanted to know if he was doing well after the way they left things that night at his apartment. That was all.

Disgusted at his own lies, Thomas left the glass on the bar and rotated his stool to look at the crowd. Not that he was on the prowl or anything. He just wanted to distract himself by taking a look at his investment. He was very happy for Randy—he had found a new direction. It turned out being a bar owner suited Randy perfectly.

Thomas was surprised to see Terry on one of the couches, next to—was that the guy from the brunch with Zach back in March? Walter. Holy shit. Thomas was in no position to judge, but after Torres’s questions, that felt a little wrong. Maybe too close to home. Terry spotted him and looked sheepish as he sat a little straighter and removed his hand from Walter’s knee. Thomas nodded at him and then turned away to avoid any further awkwardness.

Randy said behind him, “Yeah. I don’t feel right about it either. Terry’s been in a couple of times now with that guy, but never with Joe around.”

Thomas asked quietly, “Have you heard anything more from Torres?”

“No,” Randy said. “I think we would have heard if she’d made any connections to Terry.”

“Well, in any case, this is just more proof that relationships aren’t worth the effort,” Thomas said as he subtly tipped his head toward Terry and Walter on the couch.

Randy scoffed at him. “First, don’t jump to conclusions. Second, I call bullshit.”

Thomas’s eyes widened. “What bullshit?”

“Your bullshit, brother. I haven’t seen you pull so much as a phone number in weeks.”

“So what? All this shit with Gallagher and then Daniel Owen had me freaked out.”

“Right. Nothing to do with Zachary Hall?” Randy asked as he nudged a full glass of scotch toward Thomas.

“He’s just a nice guy. Nothing more,” Thomas said, but he sipped his liquor as an excuse to look away.

Randy shook his head and gave a wolfish grin. “If you weren’t part owner here, I might have to kick your ass for lyin’ to me.”

“Randy, don’t push. Please. Zach is just a friend now.”

“Zach, huh?” Thomas refused to respond, so Randy finally rapped on the bar twice and left him in peace.

In peace. That was a joke. Fuck if he didn’t think about Zach all the time. He had thrown up a mirror to Thomas about his shitty behavior, but Thomas still longed to be with the man who actually saw him and let him get away with nothing. Even the moment in the parking lot outside Mata Hari when Zach called him on fucking that guy Howard, but let it go, stirred something in Thomas. It wasn’t that he was ashamed—exactly—of his sleeping around, but he wished he had less of a past. Dammit, he wished he could be a better man.

Thomas could admit it to himself, but to no one else, not even his closest friend, Randy. He was fascinated by Zach and wanted nothing more than to spend a week with him somewhere warm and far away from the prying eyes of DC. The Italy fantasy refused to die, and he let himself draw out the dream when he lay alone in bed at night. He imagined how he’d surprise Zach with plane tickets and what Zach would look like on a hillside with the sun setting behind him over the sea.

Zach was a glorious mass of contradictions. He was shy and self-deprecating, yet the way he ordered Thomas around indicated a confident, capable man who needed a little encouragement to step out into the light. His versatility in bed told Thomas he was almost preternaturally secure in his sexuality, although he feared coming out to his parents. He was generous of spirit and absolutely serious about helping Joe in his work at the shelter, but he had a naïveté about him that suggested he had never been through the kind of pain that produced the teens who needed his help.

Thomas’s traitorous mind had tormented him during the lonely nights since he brought Zach home the second time. What if Thomas wasn’t as toxic as he believed? What if there was a way to tell Zach about Charles Rumson, to explain his fears, and what if Zach understood?

He was so lost in thought that evening that he almost didn’t hear Randy say, “Uh-oh.” He looked around to see Joe standing at the door of Mata Hari, staring in misery at Terry and Walter. Terry turned bright red and jumped to his feet as Joe rushed to the bar.

“Randall, please,” Joe begged. “It can’t be here.”

Randy nodded and held open the bar pass. “Down the hall to the right. My office is unlocked.” Joe gripped his arm in gratitude and then disappeared. Terry was right behind, but Randy lowered the bar pass in front of him.

“Terry, I think Joe needs a minute,” Randy said, and a growl edged his voice.

“Goddammit, Randy, I just need to talk to him,” Terry pleaded as he looked up at Randy, who was using his height and mass to refuse passage.

“Sorry, Terry. Not here. Give Joe some space and talk at home.” Randy flicked his eyes to Walter, who was rapidly pulling on his coat and clearly preparing to run. “Or don’t. You’re going to have to choose.”

Terry looked over his shoulder at Walter and back at Randy, his jaw set. “There’s no choice to make. Joe is my husband.”

Thomas got up and put an arm around Terry’s shoulder. “C’mon. Let’s sit over here a bit until things calm down. Randy, can you send Mal over with some Perrier? I don’t think either of us needs another drink right now.”

Terry let Thomas pull him into one of the small rooms off the main bar, and they sank into facing chairs. Terry leaned forward and put his face in his hands. “God, I think I really fucked up,” he moaned.

“Do you want to talk about it, Terry? I’m not here to judge anything.”

Terry sighed and dropped his hands to his knees. “I know you won’t judge, Tommy. I just got… carried away. Walter is young and sexy, and I feel young and sexy with him.”

“So what happened?” Thomas prompted.

“I don’t know. When we had that brunch all those weeks ago, he slipped me his number. I was flattered, sure, and I thought he was sexy as fuck, but I wasn’t intending to do anything about it. Then Zachary said the two of them didn’t hit it off, so I figured, what the hell? Joe never cared before about my little adventures. It’s always been with strangers, though, not with someone we both knew. And never more than once. Walter and I got together, but I didn’t tell Joe, and it seemed like there was no need to worry about being found out. So we got together again, and then… well, shit. I realized that I was playing with fire, but Walter just turned me on.”

“Terry, even I get that there’s a difference between one quick hookup with a stranger and intimacy with someone you both know.”

“I know that, Tommy. I do. It was just so exciting to see myself through Walter’s eyes. For whatever reason, he actually seems into me. Maybe it’s just a daddy fantasy or something for him, but it made me feel like I was hot shit. I did stupid things. Young things. I even went with Walter to that dance club, Horizons.”

Thomas said, “Oh,” in a surprised tone, and Terry’s head shot up.

“That detective talked to you, didn’t she?” Terry asked sharply.

There was no point in dissembling, so Thomas said, “Yes, she did. We figured it was better not to say anything to you because she’d find out and it would look like Randy and I warned you. Like we thought you had something to do with it.”

“You and Randy both, huh? Well, it turns out it’s possible to feel even worse than I did two minutes ago.”

“Terry, don’t. Neither Randy nor I have the slightest doubt that you’re not involved.”

“Thank you. I appreciate that. Honestly.”

“Does Joe know Torres was asking questions?” Thomas asked hesitantly.

Terry shook his head. “No, but I’m going to have to add that to the list too.” He looked up at Thomas. “I might as well tell you. I was at Horizons with Walter, and we left together. We were at his apartment for hours afterward. He talked to Torres as well and confirmed that already.”

“That’s good,” Thomas said. “I mean, that it’s clear you had nothing to do with Daniel Owen’s murder.”

Terry grimaced. “It’s so sad. I guess you know I fucked around with Brian Gallagher too.”

Thomas nodded. “It’s kind of odd, but it’s not like we keep tabs of each other’s hookups. There might be dozens of other guys we’ve both slept with.”

Terry scoffed. “Yeah, right. Look at you, Tommy. Who’s going to want an aging, boring-ass accountant after they’ve had you?”

Thomas looked at him sympathetically. “Is that what this is about, the fling with Walter? That you’re getting older?”

Terry ran a hand through his hair and sighed. “I suppose so. Finding someone that young who actually wanted me made me stupid. I thought—”

“You thought you’d get away with it, and then you got sloppy and brought him here,” Thomas kindly finished for him, and Terry nodded miserably. “Do you love Walter?” he asked. “Would you leave Joe for him?”

Terry shook his head violently. “God no. I love Joe. This thing with Walter was, I don’t know….”

“An infatuation.”

“Yes, infatuation. A fucking crush,” Terry moaned and hung his head. “I didn’t mean to hurt Joe. I was just another middle-aged idiot with a hard-on.”

“I understand. I think Joe will too, when he’s calmer. For what it’s worth, my suggestion is that you head home and wait for Joe. Talk to him like you talked to me and be honest. Let him see it was your dick driving the bus, not your heart.”

Terry nodded. “That’s good. That makes sense.” He reached for his wallet, but Thomas waved him away.

“Tab is covered. Don’t worry about it.” Terry got up and left the bar without another word. Thomas downed his Perrier and headed to Randy’s office to see what Joe needed. An absurd thought crossed his mind—I don’t want an open relationship. I would never share Zach—but he stomped on it and tried to focus on his friend in pain.