Hailey

“I just don’t know what to do, Anna. I’ve tried everything I can.”

“Hailey, I know how much you’re hurting, but you did hold a great deal back from him. He has every right to be upset with you.”

“But it’s been a month now since that episode. The gallery’s open. I wanted him to be there for its opening. He should’ve been there,” I said.

“I know, sweetheart. I can hear in your voice how much you still love him. But he needs time. You held back the fact that you knew his brother, that you had his paintings, and that you were there when he died. That’s a very serious pill to swallow.”

“You hate me for it, too, don’t you?” I asked.

“No. I was shocked when you told me. Really shocked. And I can understand his anger. You just have to let him cool down. You need to try to understand that this might be it. Just from interacting with him the little I did back in July, he seems to hold it really close to his heart. You’ve got to give him time.”

“I went and gave him that painting,” I said.

“You went to his house?” she asked.

“Well, I’ve done it a few times. In the morning, trying to catch him before work, but he never answered. He didn’t answer tonight, either.”

“What did you do with the painting?” she asked.

“I left it on his doorstep. I figured if he wasn’t home, he’d have to come home eventually, and he’ll see it.”

“Do you think he’ll like it?”

“I can’t think of any other person who would appreciate it the way he would, not even me,” I said. “Anna, I tried everything. Calling. Leaving voicemails apologizing. Sending text messages. I stopped trying to apologize and just started sending him photos of my day, things I wanted him to see. I was going to send him photos of the opening of the gallery, but he blocked my number.”

“I remember you telling me,” she said.

“My heart aches.”

“Then think about how he feels. He poured himself out to you, and you kept your secrets close.”

“Is this supposed to make me feel better?” I asked.

“It’s supposed to help you see his point of view. He’s hurting, too. A great deal.”

“I don’t know if I’ll ever get him back.”

“I think he’ll come to his senses eventually. If it’s meant to be, at least. Either way, he needs time to digest all that you told him. From the sounds of the conversation, you threw everything at him so quickly, there’s a chance he still didn’t digest all of it.”

“I just kept sobbing and apologizing, hoping he would just scoop me up into his arms,” I said, sniffling.

“I know, Hailey. I know. It’s going to be all right. No matter how this pans out and no matter what happens from here, you’ve got your gallery. I’ll come see you soon. I can tell you all about my voice lessons.”

“Wait, you’ve been taking voice lessons?” I asked. “Since when?”

“Since I got back after our fourth of July blowout. I felt rejuvenated after that trip and... I came back and scheduled things. I’m taking two lessons a week.”

“Anna, that’s incredible,” I said, smiling. “Yes, you’ll have to tell me all about them when you come back down here.”

“I know he’s still on your mind,” she said. “And I know I can’t distract you from it. Just know that life is still going. Don’t do what he did with his life. Don’t dwell on the past so much that it eats your present alive.”

“It’s been a month, Anna. Shouldn’t he be well past his blind rage at this point? I’m not asking him not to be upset, but I just had this feeling when I walked up onto his porch,” I said.

“What kind of feeling?”

“Like anger was seeping through the walls at me. It was stifling. It almost choked my voice in my throat,” I said.

“Hailey, you can’t put a timeframe on how long someone should be angry at something like this before they let it go. He’s held onto the guilt that eats him alive from his brother’s death for years. If anything, that’s an indication of how long he holds onto stuff.”

“Shit.”

“I’m sorry I can’t give you any better advice,” she said.

“No, no. Talking to me helps. Thank you for picking up.”

“I’ll always pick up for you,” she said.

“I should’ve told him the truth from the beginning. I should’ve told him I was at that fucking bar.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“I panicked. I thought maybe he would see it as an intrusion, that some chick who sort of taught his brother how to paint a few times had barged in on an intimate ceremony. He knocked on my door and was standing there, and I didn’t want to scare him off. I didn’t want to open that can of worms and didn’t want him to start asking questions.”

“Questions about how his brother died?” she asked.

“Yeah. I didn’t know if he knew or if his family knew the entire story. And when I was rambling and sobbing and trying to get everything out at once, it was like I’d slapped him with a hot frying pan.”

“He didn’t know?” she asked. “That his brother was murdered?”

“I don’t think he did, and that’s what I was afraid of. I was afraid of opening all this and of him hearing it from such an impersonal person.”

“But you didn’t become an impersonal person, Hailey. That’s the point. That man fell in love with you.”

“Damn it, Anna. I know that now, but I didn’t know it back then. I mean, not until I felt the same way, and then we were in love and enjoying life, and I didn’t want to ruin things.”

“Or risk losing him?” she asked.

“That, too,” I said, whispering.

“Hailey, with stuff like this, there’s never a good time to talk about it. There’s never a good time to bring it up. As long as you realize you made a series of mistakes that led to hurting that man, that’s enough. You can’t go back and change it. You can only move forward.”

“I want to move forward with him,” I said, sniffling.

“I’m not sure you can. You have to give him space and time. He obviously wants it if he’s blocked your number. You gave him the painting. You didn’t sell it to anyone, despite the fact that many people wanted to buy it. Let that be enough. Leave the man alone for a little while and see what happens,” she said.

“Do you think he believed me?” I asked.

“Believed what?”

“The things I told him about what happened to his brother. With all the deception, do you think he even believed me?”

“At this point, I’m liable to think it might be a good thing if he doesn’t for now. I can’t imagine how he must be feeling, much less trying to digest something like that,” she said.

“My gosh, I bet he’d be even angrier at me,” I said breathlessly. “I don’t think I’ll ever get him back.”

“Just try this,” she said. “Just start coping with that reality. Move forward like you won’t get him back. Go through the grieving and healing process. If he comes back to you, it’s a pleasant surprise. If he doesn’t, you’ve already started the process of coping, so the reality of the situation won’t be so hard. But there’s something I need you to understand.”

“What’s that?” I asked.

“What happened to John’s brother. The criminals. The student. The murder. The other stuff. It’s not your fault. Do you hear me?”

“I feel like it is some days,” I said.

“It’s not your fault. You can’t carry that guilt around. If Bryan doesn’t forgive you, then so be it, but don’t be like him. Don’t let it consume you. You have your gallery. You have your community that you’re reaching into. You’re doing a great deal of good. Bryan will make the decision he makes, and there’s nothing you can do about it but keep moving forward.”

“When did you get so smart?” I asked.

“When I graduated with this idiotic law degree,” she said, snickering. “Getting right off that topic, have you given any more thought to showing John’s paintings? I know you hung up the cabin painting as a decoration, and people were trying to buy it right off the wall.”

“I don’t want to show them until I’ve reconciled with Bryan. Good or bad, it doesn’t feel right to showcase them until Bryan knows they’re being hung. Having that one up as a decoration and seeing how people flocked to it felt wonderful, but it didn’t feel right.”

“I can see that,” she said. “You feel like it might be insult to injury.”

“Exactly. The last time we saw each other, we were talking about him, and it led to one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life. I don’t want to walk into this gallery and see those paintings and be reminded of heartbreak. I want to walk in and look at those paintings and be reminded of the beautiful soul behind them who painted them, and I want Bryan to enjoy them too. Maybe even his parents, if they ever come around.”

“Yeah, after that dinner you told me about, maybe not bank on that so much,” she said.

“I don’t want to put them up yet. I’m not ready, and it doesn’t feel right.”

“Putting them up might give closure to everyone involved though, right?” she asked.

“I don’t think so. I can’t imagine something like that bringing closure to something so horrendous.”

“Depends on how you interpret it. Yes, it was a horrendous thing, and the decisions made by many parties after it resulted in the fight you and Bryan had. But there’s beauty in those paintings, and out of all that awfulness and darkness, there are these wonderful paintings that deserve to see the light of day.”

“I’m just not ready, okay?” I asked. “Can you respect that?”

“Okay. All right. Fine. I’ll back off.”

“Tell me about your voice lessons,” I said.

“And rob you of the decadence of boxed wine while we chat about them face-to-face? Not so much.”

“Finally figured out buying boxed wine is cheaper than buying five bottles?” I asked.

“Buy a bundle. Yikes. I saved, like, thirty bucks.”

“You are more than welcome anytime,” I said, smiling. “Just warn me before you’re at the airport in San Diego that I need to come get you.”

“I was desperate! It was an emergency.”

“I know, I know, and I’m glad you felt comfortable fleeing to me. Speaking of, how are things with Mom and Dad?” I asked.

“Still pestering me about making partner. I told them I was doing the best I could, but my heart wasn’t in it for making partner. I told them I didn’t see myself in that role and that I saw myself opening my own practice or something.”

“Anna?” I asked. “What does that mean?”

“It means I got Mom and Dad to stop talking about me making partner. They aren’t happy about it, and they refuse to think about me opening my own practice with Mom still under the assumption I’m taking over hers when I’m her age, but I got them to shut up.”

“Well, there’s that,” I said. “Have they ...?”

“I’ve mentioned your gallery, Hailey. I have. I told them that the grand opening was wonderful and that so many people from all over the community came. I told them about your classes and how you were starting up your art therapy again, but you know how they are.”

“Meaning they didn’t say shit about it,” I said.

“When you make your first million, we can tell them together. I’m sure they’ll talk to you then.”

“Even though I wish that was sarcastic, I know it’s not,” I said, sighing.

“It still amazes me that we came from them, you know.”

“You and me both. You know who else is different from their parents?”

“Hailey.”

“Bryan. I couldn’t believe how different he was from his parents and how much he looks like his father. I mean, smack some white hair on him and add a few wrinkles, and he looks just like the man,” I said.

“Hailey.”

“And John. The spitting image of his mother. I almost couldn’t take my eyes off her. If you grew out John’s hair and gave him boobs—”

“Hailey!”

“What?” I asked.

“You’re doing it again,” she said.

“I’m sorry, but he’s permeated everything. I can’t look at my bed without seeing him. I can’t put my key in the lock without wishing he was behind me. I can’t make a damn cup of coffee without reaching for the mug he always used when he was here just to feel closer to him.”

“I wish I could tell you I understood, but even I don’t understand what you’re feeling. I’ve never fully been in love with any man. Hell, I never had enough time to date with all the shit Mom and Dad put me through in law school,” she said.

“You’re cussing again. You okay?” I asked.

“Yeah. My boss is giving me dirty looks.”

“Wait. You’re at work? It’s nine o’clock at night.”

“And law never sleeps,” she said, sighing. “I’ve got to get back to work. I love you, and I’ll fly out to see you soon.”

“With a box of wine,” I said.

“Yep. Maybe one for each of us, depending on where this Bryan thing sits when I get back out there next.”

“You keep up with those voice lessons. I want all the details and a performance when I see you,” I said.

“As long as you keep up that gallery and start coping with the fact that Bryan might not come back, I will,” she said.

“I’ll send you pictures like I always do.”

“And I’ll keep singing those high notes so loud you can probably hear them from Phoenix.”

“So that’s why my window busted last week. Way to go, sis,” I said, grinning.

“Love you, Hailey. Everything’s going to be all right.”

“Love you, too, Anna. And I really hope so.”

The phone call ended, and I dropped my phone to the floor. My mind circled back to Bryan, wondering what in the world he was up to. Had he been at home? Did he already get the painting? Did it bring a smile to his face? Maybe make him cry? I gazed out the window at the night-draped city of San Diego, watching as the few stars I could see twinkled in the far distance. Fall was slowly beginning to descend on the coast, pushing out the tourists and making way for the slow burn of the holidays. I closed my eyes and settled deep into my couch, still unable to sleep in my bed after everything that had happened.

I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath, still able to smell the faintest scent of his cologne as tears lined the back of my eyelids.

I missed him more than I could stand, and I hurt him more than I could imagine.

I wanted to keep convincing myself he would come back to me, but as I drifted off into sleep and allowed my body to relax, a small voice in my head fluttered to the forefront of my mind.

He’s never coming back to you, you lying little girl.

I woke up with tears on my pillow I didn’t remember crying, all the while wishing he was right next to me.