Hailey “W ait, we’re doing IV chemotherapy now?” I asked. “Yes. The chemotherapy shots right now aren’t enough. The immunotherapy you’ve already gone through has helped a great deal, and with the strengthening of your immune system, I think you’re going to be able to handle it,” Doctor Osmunt said. “You think?” Anna asked. “We’re doing all this because you think it’ll help?” “Miss Ryan, it’s better than the odds we’re looking at,” the doctor said. “I thought we weren’t going to try IV chemotherapy for another month,” I said. “If we want to go into surgery soon and carve out as much of this stuff as we can, then it only makes sense to put in the catheter port. Doing that awake is pretty painful, which is why we try to combine it with surgery.” “So, surgery means the roots of the cancer are shriveling up or something, right?” I asked. “I mean, that’s what you said. We’d do surgery once the roots shriveled up.” “What’s she talking about, doctor?” Anna asked. “The original plan we had laid out went something like this. We would do the chemo shots and the immunotherapy techniques to see if we could shrink the size of the tumors to decent sizes. When tumors grow, they sprout roots and really attach themselves to the organs they’re thriving on. Shrinking them down destroys those roots, which means less chance of individual tumors growing back at those root points. Plus, with one of the tumors being on her kidney, surgery could swing the cancerous cells into action and cause a tumor to develop on the other kidney.” “So that’s why you aren’t just removing her kidney. Got it. So, why the change in plan? What’s happened?” Anna asked. “Well, her bloodwork is actually looking pretty good. Her scans have been wonderful. There are no other tumors metastasizing in other places, which means the chemo shots have halted that process in its tracks. And we have seen a bit of shrinkage with the tumor on her kidney.” “But not the one in my brain,” I said. “Not really, no. But, the one on your kidney was what I was worried about. I’m more comfortable now with removing the kidney altogether and setting a port for regular chemotherapy treatments along with doing the immunotherapy techniques we’ve been discussing.” “I don’t know, Doctor Osmunt. What if my kidney isn’t quite what you think? You remove it and another tumor grows like you were saying?” I asked. “Hailey, you have the option to get one of these things completely out of your body,” Anna said. “Take it.” “Miss Ryan, let me be clear like I was with Hailey. The kidney tumor isn’t the issue. The one in her brain is. That’s the one putting us on an urgent time frame. Removing the tumor on the kidney gives us a chance to be more aggressive with this treatment to try and shrink this as much as possible before we even attempt brain surgery,” the doctor said. As I sat there while the doctor and Anna spoke, I simply stared out the window at the cold that had permeated across San Diego. The wind was howling, and dead leaves and grass were swirling, and for a little while, I felt I was in my element. I was surrounded by things that were
dying and decaying, and I felt a sort of morbid kinship with the elements growing. The weather was cold like my skin. The leaves were dead like my future. The trees were decrepit and withering like my body. Just like my brain. Just like my existence. “Hailey, you have to get this surgery,” Anna said. “Please. We still don’t have good odds, but they’re better with the surgery and the port.” “I just don’t know,” I said breathlessly. I felt Anna take my hand, and it prompted me to turn toward her. If I had the surgery and got the port, it would be almost impossible to conceal this from Bryan. I wouldn’t be able to stay over at his place anymore or feel his body against mine. I would no longer be able to touch his bare skin without him wanting to see mine. I wouldn’t be able to make love to him anymore or press my skin against him while I was sleeping at night. That surgery would rob me of the little bit I had left of him, and I wasn’t sure I was willing to risk all that. “Hailey, the immunotherapy and chemo combination you’re using now will most likely be insufficient. The odds are already long, and we need to do anything we can to get you on full-service chemo treatments,” the doctor said. And that’s when I heard the sobs coming from my sister’s lips. See, this is what I didn’t want to happen. This was what I was avoiding with Bryan. Here my sister was, sitting here holding my hand while she sobbed over my eventual death. Now, she’d have to watch me wither away like the leaves of autumn before my body finally gave up. She’d have to watch my slow, torturous death with tears in her eyes and pain in her heart that would never go away. Instead of just coping with my eventual death, Anna would have to watch me suffer. At least Bryan didn’t have to watch John suffer. It was selfish, telling Anna. As I glared at the doctor, trying to communicate to him how angry I was for him even suggesting this bull
shit idea, I couldn’t help thinking of how my body would change, how I would lose weight as well as my hair, how my skin would pale and my appetite would change. I’d no longer have the energy to run the gallery because I’d be sleeping all the damn time. I’d be running poison through my body trying to mutilate the fucking thing growing in my head, the fucking thing that was now pounding my head and shaking my vision. “Hailey, are you all right?” the doctor asked. “No, Doctor Osmunt. I’m not all right. I have a tumor on my kidney and a tumor in my brain that’s killing me. I’ve got a sister who will now watch me suffer instead of only coping with when I die, and I’ve got a doctor who doesn’t seem to understand that this is why I didn’t want to tell anyone in the first place.” “Hailey, I know you’re upset, and I know you’re—” “No, doctor. You no longer get to tell me how I am. You no longer get to sit here and tell me that I’m going to route poison into my body and then tell me how I should feel about that. You’re no longer going to sit here and tell me who I should be informing of this when you’re staring at the exact reason why I’m not telling anyone. You’re not going to sit here and tell me to get my fucking affairs in order and then thrust me into a world of surgery and ports and give me hope. Either I’m dying or I’m savable. Pick a fucking battle, doc.” Anna’s eyes were wild with shock while my chest panted for breath. Tears were streaming down my neck that I didn’t even realize I was shedding. And that’s when I pulled my hand from Anna’s grasp and settled back into my chair. “I’ll have to think about the surgery,” I said. “Hailey, please,” Anna said, begging. “I’ll let you know my answer when I have one.” I grabbed my purse and stepped out of Doctor Osmunt’s office before he could protest otherwise. The room was spinning, and my vision was blurring, but I no longer cared. The ache in my joints was more prevalent than ever, and all I wanted to do was get home. I didn’t want to reopen the gallery for today. I didn’t want to see Bryan. I didn’t even want to eat. I just wanted to go home and sleep until this waking nightmare was over and done with. I slid into my sister’s car and waited for her to come out there. She was carrying shit the doctor must’ve given her, papers or whatever on treatments and how the surgical procedures will go. We rode silently back to my place while her hands white-knuckled the steering wheel, but all I could think about was Bryan and about how I didn’t want him to know and didn’t want him to cry over me. I didn’t want him to watch me wither away after losing John the way he did. I kept turning over my feelings of Ramon’s proposal in my head. More than ever, it sounded appealing and wonderful. I could get away from Anna, so she didn’t have to see me die, and I could travel Europe and sell my paintings. I could paint and sell and travel and eat until my body eventually gave out, and then I could leave a note for Ramon. A note telling him that my gallery and the proceeds from my pictures needed to be handled by Bryan. So he could donate it to the homeless community and do more than he’d ever dreamed of with them. Apparently, my death would place millions of dollars into his hands. Setting aside all of it, though, I had to make sure Bryan was happy. I needed to make sure he found happiness with another woman. I needed to make sure my death wouldn’t do him in. He was such a wonderful man, and he had so much love to give, and there was a woman out there who needed that love more than she needed life itself. “I hate you so much sometimes,” Anna said breathlessly. “What’d I do now?” I asked. “You’ve just given up,” she said. “You’ve given up on saving yourself because you’re wallowing in some sort of self-pity, and that’s why you’re not getting these surgeries.”
“Whatever,” I said. “You’re pissed off because surgery and chemotherapy will expose to Bryan what’s going on with you because you’re scared of his reaction. You’re scared he’ll leave you, so you’re over there probably plotting on how to push him away. Holy hell, I can’t believe I ever wanted to be like you,” she said. “Tell me how you really feel, Anna.” “Fine. I will. You’re being pathetic. You’ve been diagnosed with an aggressive cancer, yes, but you’re allowing it to turn you into this weak little ... thing! Where’s the Hailey who taught me how to fight for what she wanted? Where’s the Hailey who convinced me to follow my dreams no matter what? Where’s the Hailey who broke her arm in seventh grade and still managed to ride the bus home before anyone knew about it so you wouldn’t upset anyone at school?” “Dying, apparently.” I leaned my forehead against the window as I heard Anna scoff. I couldn’t do this anymore. I couldn’t hold back my tears any longer. I felt my entire body shaking as my chest began to hiccup, and suddenly Anna’s car was filled with my sobs. I felt her pull the car over before she reached out to me and placed my head on her chest. We sat there on the side of the road and cried into one another. I soaked Anna’s chest while her fingers ran through my faded blue hair, and all we could do was cry. I cried until I heaved, and then I cried until my body could no longer take my crying. “I’ve already caused him so much pain, Anna,” I said, sniffling. “I love him and I have to minimize his pain now. I have to make sure he’s happy.” “Then choose to live, Hailey,” Anna said. “Choose to fight for your life. Because you’re what makes him happy.” “But what if it doesn’t work, and I die anyway? He’ll be in the same position you are, crying while I wither away. I should encourage him to be with someone else, someone who’ll make him happy even after I’m gone.” “You’re such a fucking drama queen,” Anna said. “Always have been. Mom and Dad thought I was bad, but you were theworst.” I giggled a bit through my tears before I leaned myself up off her chest. “Sorry for the snot,” I said, sniffling. “Don’t worry. I got some in your hair,” she said. “Ew.” “Hailey, do you really not hear yourself when you talk? Even if I’m willing to keep your secret, you pushing Bryan into another woman’s arms is only going to break him further. He trusts you and loves you completely. You won’t be pushing your Bryan toward another woman, you’ll be pushing a tainted, battered, betrayed Bryan to another woman. And that’s not fair for her to clean up after your mess,” she said. “I don’t know what else to do,” I said, whispering. “Tell him, Hailey. That’s what you do. Choose to live, tell him, and have the fucking surgery. People care about you. Deal with it. And don’t you dare ask me to help you with this venture of pulling this shit on Bryan. I don’t support it, and it’ll never work. You know this.” I sighed heavily in my seat as Anna wiped at her face. Maybe she was right. Maybe that wasn’t the best way to go about things with Bryan. Maybe I needed to end things now before it got any worse. Maybe it was time for me to walk away from him. I’d have to find an appropriate time, and if I was going to do this surgery, I’d have to do it before then and before my body started withering away into nothing and my sickness was plastered all over my body. I felt Anna lurch back into the road as I settled my forehead onto the cool glass of her car window, and I sighed as I resigned myself to what I had to do. I’d have to end things with Bryan to save him from me.
But holy hell, I was going to miss him.