Hailey M arch signaled the beginning of spring, and as the sun rose high in the sky, it brought along with it a rejuvenation of life. The cold was making its way out to sea, and the sun was beginning to breathe its glorious warmth all over San Diego. I walked out of my apartment this morning and smiled as the sun hit my face. It allowed me to forget, if only for a brief moment, that my body ached more than it ever had before. I went to work and found a familiar face at my doorstep. I rushed her and wrapped my arms around her, pulling her in close before I had a chance to unlock the door. Anna was at my gallery, and I couldn’t have been happier to see her. “It’s a beautiful day,” she said. “I’m glad winter’s finally moving out.” “Me too. This one was a doozy, and I’m glad to leave it behind.” We pushed our way into the gallery, and I started setting things up. Anna helped me hang a few paintings on the wall where there were bare spots, and I took the liberty of filing some other paintings away that had been dropped off by various artists to be showcased. I saw Anna’s eyes fluttering over the massive canvas adhered to the wall, her eyes taking in the swirls of colors while my body remembered that glorious night of passion I’d shared with Bryan. “This one’s... interesting,” Anna said. “What inspired it?” I snickered and shook my head before I chose my words carefully. “Spontaneity and new experiences,” I said. “Well, it’s massive. Anyone interested in it?”
But all I could do was throw my head back and laugh. “What’s so funny?” she asked. “Nothing. Nothing. It is pretty big but so was the inspiration for it. However, I have a question for you.” “Okay. Shoot.” “I had to hear secondhand that you and Drew have been talking.” I saw Anna blush, and it made me clap my hands and squeal. “You’ve been holding out on me! Tell me all about it.” “Well, we aren’t just talking,” Anna said. “Oh, my gosh. You’re joking. The two of you are sleeping together?” “No. I mean, yes, but that’s not what I meant,” she said. I stood there in shock as a huge, goofy smile crossed my sister’s face. “Why am I just now hearing about this?” I exclaimed. “Well, I didn’t want to jinx anything. At first, we were only talking on the phone. Then he wanted to take me on a date, but it wasn’t anything special, just a hot dog place where we got food and talked some more. One thing led to another, and we didn’t have one of those fancy dates until a couple nights ago, and that’s when he asked me.” “How exactly did he ask you?” “He told me he loved spending time with me and that he didn’t want to spend time with anyone else,” she said. “Anna’s got a boyfriend. Anna’s got a boyfriend.” I danced around the room chanting the phrase while my sister stood there blushing. I was absolutely ecstatic for the two of them. They were perfect for one another in every single way, and I was glad one of them finally got their head out of their ass. They’d been dancing around the topiclong enough, and it was about damn time they made their way toward something more. “I’ve even been helping him set up his tattoo parlor, so he can get it
open next month,” she said.
“I was wondering why Drew wasn’t asking for my services anymore,” I said, grinning. “How’s it coming along?” “It looks really good. He loves the green color scheme you laid out, and the shimmering paint in the back looks awesome. Customers are going to really love it. Right now, he’s advertising his services on a temporary discounted basis before he does his grand opening.” “Really? Why?” I asked. “Something about word of mouth being the best for a tattoo business? He wants to get his work out there on other people. Then when people ask where they got their tattoo done, they can point them in the direction of Drew.” “That actually makes a lot of sense. It’s a good thing I’ve got his book on my counter advertising some of his artwork. I’ve already had people ask me where they could find the artist in question,” I said. “Oh, he’ll be happy to know that.” “How’s the legal service going?” I asked as I sat down behind the register. “The last time we talked, it was still just an idea.” “Well, it’s an idea that’s coming to fruition. Remember when Dad stopped by to see you a couple weeks ago?” “Yeah?” “He was actually in town helping me,” she said. “We found a little place that won’t cost much that I can rent out and set up shop in. Since I’m not trying to build a business or anything, the space doesn’t need much, just me, a welcoming atmosphere, and a place for people to sit and wait if they need to.” “Anna, that’s so awesome, and I’m glad Dad and Mom were serious about helping you,” I said. “Me, too. He was the one who pointed the place out. But, I’m still running into some issues with keeping myself afloat. I’ve got my savings, but that’s dwindling because of me only working a part-time job. To do the work I want to, this low-cost legal service thing will have to be full-time for me, but it won’t allow me my own personal income stream. Mom and Dad said they’d kick in a bit to help subsidize rent for a while, but it still doesn’t give me a living wage.” “Why don’t you talk to Ellen St. Claire?” I asked. “If you’re willing to take on homeless clients if they need legal services, her foundation might be willing to help.” Suddenly, a headache came on that stopped me in my tracks. My vision started to blur and this ringing in my ear began, and for a second, I couldn’t hear anything. Anna’s mouth was moving, but there was no sound, and I saw a customer walking around, but I didn’t hear the door open. I held my face in my hands, trying to will it away as the nausea started, but by the time I could hear things around me again, Anna had pulled me into the small shop in back. “Hailey, talk to me. What’s wrong?” she asked. “Just my head,” I said. “I’m going to call your doctor,” she said. “No need,” I said breathlessly. “He’ll only tell you I need surgery.” “Then maybe that’s what you need to do, you idiot,” she said. “How long have they been this bad?” “A couple weeks, maybe? I don’t know.” “Look, you shaved your head to cover up the chemo, but this is getting serious. Your doctor can still help you, but if you keep trying to be some sort of martyr, you’ll seal your own death, Hailey. Come on. Please let me call your doctor,” she said. “Look, what I’m doing now is slowing the growth of the tumors, okay?” I asked. “But your symptoms are getting worse. It’s slowing but not stopping. Hailey, that doctor can still save you. You know he can. What in the world are you doing?” “I’m doing what’s best for my life while I’ve still got it,” I said. “No, you’re doing what’s best to conceal this from Bryan because you’re scared of how he’ll react. Don’t you see? You’re killing yourself because you’re scared of one person’s reaction.”
“I’m not doing that,” I said.
“You shaved your head to conceal the chemo. You’re not getting the surgery because the port will be recognizable to Bryan. You eat as normally as you can around him, so he doesn’t ask questions about your change in diet. You’re doing it to conceal this from him. All of it. Tell Bryan. Don’t make me live without my sister just because you’re scared.”
“I’m not telling Bryan,” I said.
“Don’t you see how idiotic you’re being?” she asked. “You’re literally sentencing yourself to die because you’re afraid of someone’s reaction.”
“No, the brain tumor sentenced me to death,” I said.
“No, according to the doctor, it didn’t. There are still ways to help you, but you won’t take them because ... well, Bryan. What the hell are you so scared of, Hailey?”
“Honestly? Nothing. I’ve been living my life better than I ever thought now that I’ve got this looming over me. I’m even thinking about taking a European art tour and selling my art all around the world. That way, when this tumor finally takes me, the price of my art will skyrocket. I could put it in my will to split the money from my paintings evenly between you and Bryan, and that would give you both the money you guys need to keep forwarding your dreams. You said so yourself that you need an income stream. I could give you that income stream.”
“By dying?” she asked. “Do you even hear yourself?”
“Loud and clear, now that the headache’s gone,” I said.
“That’s not fucking funny, Hailey, not one damn bit. And if Bryan goes to work for Ellen St. Claire, he won’t need the money. And in my case, I’d rather spend time with my sister than have you running off to Europe and purposefully dying.”
“Look,” I said, my anger levels rising, “I’m doing my best, okay? I’m doing my best to make sure the people I love are set up when I’m gone, are taken care of, are still going to be trucking forward instead of being held back like John’s death did for so many fucking people. I don’t want that to be my legacy. I don’t want that to be what people do when I die.” “When the doctor told you to settle your estate, he didn’t mean to forget about your treatment, Hailey. You’re still resisting surgery, and I think it all routes back to Bryan. Why don’t you woman up and tell me why you’re not actually telling him? Why don’t you drop the fucking martyr act and just say it?” “Because I can’t live without him, okay?” I shrieked it so loud, I heard all the customers stop in their tracks. I was trying to keep the conversation between Anna and I hushed, but I couldn’t take it anymore. Her words were too much and talk of telling Bryan scared me so badly, I couldn’t stomach anything else that was going on. “Because I’d rather die with him at my side then tell him and have him walk away,” I said. “You really think Bryan’s the kind of man who’ll walk away from you during something like this?” Anna asked. “He walked away from me when I told him about my connection to his brother. Who’s to say he won’t do it now?” “You were withholding how his brother actually died, Hailey. You were withholding from him closure he desperately needed in his life. But now, you’re withholding the death of the woman he loves. He’ll be angry with you, yes, but he won’t leave you.” “And how do you know that?” I asked. “Because I see the way he looks at you when you’re not looking.” I closed my eyes and sighed before I felt tears rising. “You’re being selfish, Hailey.” “And here we go again,” I said breathlessly. “Sorry if you don’t like the truth, but you are. You’ve got people in your life you’re leaving behind because of your choices, people who have put time and effort into creating this life with you. Bryan didn’t just love you. He put his time and energy and sweat into the building we’re standing in right now. I don’t just love you, but I put in money and time and long weekends to come see you, so you could have the support you needed when you were bouncing around from city to city. You aren’t just giving up, Hailey. You’re abandoning us by not fighting.” “None of this is about you,” I said. “But all of it is about Bryan,” she said. “Can you stop with the psychobabble, please?” I asked. “Will you have the surgery, please?” she asked. “I think that you not talking about this to anyone just makes you feel better because you don’t have to dwell on it or think about it. I think part of the reason you don’t want to tell Bryan is that you get to feel normal with him. You’re withholding information like this from him because you’d rather feel normal in his arms for a night than tell him the truth and risk that safe little bubble you’ve created for yourself. Either way, you’re fucking selfish.” I allowed the tears to stream down my face as I sank to my knees. This was why I didn’t want to tell anyone. This was why I didn’t want to get anyone involved. Because I knew it would hurt them, and I knew my decisions would upset them. My sister was angry with me, and she had every right to be, and I didn’t want Bryan to be angry at me like this. I wouldn’t be able to handle these words coming from him. I felt someone snake their arms around me and hold me close. I took a whiff of Anna’s perfume while I sobbed into her shoulder, and I could feel her crying on mine. We held each other in that back room while customers came and went, and all I could do was curl up in her lap while she sat on the floor there with me. “I don’t know what to do,” I said desperately. “I just don’t know what to do.” “Fight, Hailey,” Anna said. “Fight like you’ve always done.”
“I don’t know if I can,” I said through my sobs. “I don’t know if I can, Anna.”
“That’s why you’ve got me,” she said. “That’s why you’ve got Mom and Dad. And if you told Bryan, you’d have him, too. You know you would.”
But I still wasn’t convinced, and I was still frightened. I was still worried, and I was still crying. My head was beginning to ache, and my side was beginning to burn, and in that instant, all I wanted to do was shut down the gallery, go back home, and sleep.
It was official.
I’d finally hit that point where I couldn’t run this gallery on my own anymore, and I had no idea what I was going to do.