27
THAIS
The smile instantly dropped from my face. What was that all about?
Rachel entered the house then, her mouth pinched on one side.
“What’s goin’ on?” Emily asked.
Rachel marched toward the hallway.
“Rach? Come over ‘ere.”
“I’ll be back,” I told them, and I slipped outside to find Atticus walking through the field.
“Atticus!” I ran after him. “Atticus, please.” I moved around in front of him, stopping him in his tracks. “What happened? Why are you acting this way?”
“I told you to enjoy yourself.” He tried to walk past me, but I wouldn’t let him. “I’m just going to the barn—that’s all.”
I pressed my hand to his chest. “But that’s not all,” I said raptly.
He looked down into my eyes.
“Thais,” he began, “we need to leave within the hour. We have a lot of miles to cover if we’re going to make it Shreveport before Wolf’s men make it to us. All I’m going to do is sit in the barn and take stock of our supplies. And think. I need to look at my map, figure out where the hell we are, and get my head together. For now, go back in and enjoy yourself—it may be the last chance you get for a while.”
I shook my head, my hand still pressed to his chest.
“Atticus”—I paused, and my hand fell away—“maybe we should ask them if we can stay here”—Atticus flinched—“they have so much, and they’re very kind. I like them.”
I moved closer, peering up at him. “We could offer to make ourselves useful—I have many skills. And you can fight; that skill alone is worth more than all the things I can do combined. Look at them, Atticus”—my hand jutted out in gesture—“David and Emily are getting old; none of them look like they could defend this place if someone wanted to take it. They’ve been attacked before; with just the few left, the next time could be their last.”
“We can’t stay here,” he said firmly. “It seems safe for now—a godsend, I admit—but we’ve got men looking for us, and we’re not far enough away from Lexington City. It’s too much of a risk.”
I pressed my lips together in a hard line.
“We don’t even know if they’re looking for us in this direction,” I pointed out. “If that man, Edgar, was telling the truth, they’re probably heading for Topeka—”
“But if he wasn’t—”
“Then we still don’t know if they’re coming this way,” I cut in.
“And that’s my point exactly,” Atticus came back. “We don’t know, and that’s enough reason not to stay in one place for too long, this close to Lexington City.”
My lips snapped shut. I knew he was right, and for a moment, I hated him for it.
I lowered my eyes, my shoulders falling as I released my breath. But then a thought suddenly occurred, and I looked right at him.
“And what if I decide to stay anyway?”
ATTICUS & (THAIS)
The prospect struck me numb.
Thais’ arms crossed loosely over her chest, lending defiance to her posture.
“I’m not your prisoner anymore,” she went on. “What would you do if I chose to stay here?”
I could no longer look at her; indecision, and even a blooming fit of panic at the idea of her staying, rendered me momentarily speechless.
Finally, I raised my head.
“Is that really what you want?” I offered derisively. “Do you want me to just leave you here with these people—who you’ve known less than twenty-four hours—and let you fend for yourself? Do you trust them—people you just said can’t defend themselves—more than you trust me to keep you safe?” Just having to force myself to ask her these questions infuriated me—after all I had done to get her out of that city…after all I still had yet to do, and was prepared to die doing…What the fuck?
(I lowered my eyes, feeling the bite of shame. Atticus had saved my life…)
“No,” she finally answered. “I don’t want you to just leave me here, Atticus. I want you to stay here with me—Where else can you go? Other than Shreveport, which is so far away that, I admit, seems impossible to get to. I’ve laid awake at night the past several nights thinking about how long and treacherous and risky that journey will be. I have nightmares about it, even when I’m awake.” She paused, holding my tortured gaze to her determined one. “It’s a long way—I think we should take advantage of whatever we’re given and deal with the consequences when we have to. Think about it—it seems the risk and consequences are even greater trying to make it to Shreveport, than staying here.”
I turned away from her, adjusted the backpacks on my shoulder, grimacing with the painful effort. I gazed out across the shadow-painted field toward the house; the windows were lit with oil lamp and candlelight, casting a warm glow from an otherwise pitch-black structure silhouetted against the backdrop of trees. A dark figure darted across the front porch—it was Trick, the dog.
“Give me time to think about it,” I finally said.
Her face lit up.
“For now, go back into the house and delight them with more of your poetry and singing.”
Thais blushed.
“You heard me in there?”
I nodded. “Yeah. I did.”
I cut across the field toward the barn and left her standing there.
THAIS
Emily and David agreed to let us stay on their farm. “As long as ya want to,” Emily had said when I talked to her about it. Though I told them that nothing was set in stone and that Atticus had not yet decided.
“But what about you?” Emily asked. “If your brother ‘cides not to stay, will ya leave with ‘im?”
The question stunned me.
“Yes,” I answered after the stun wore off. “If he leaves, I’ll leave with him.”
Before Atticus left me in the field, I thought I had made up my mind. I was determined to make a life here, whether Atticus would join me or not. I resolved to believe that staying put was the most sensible option. But the second Emily asked the burning question, my tongue went numb in my mouth.
Right then I knew, with no doubt anymore, that I wanted to go wherever Atticus went. And it was not only because I knew he could protect me, it was not only that Atticus could take me someplace safer no matter the distance or the roadblocks put in our path—it was so much more than that. It frightened me as much as it filled me with need. The need to understand why the thought of Atticus being out there alone in the world, broke my heart. The need to understand why the thought of him being by my side, put it back together.
An hour had come and gone and Atticus still had not come back from the barn. But I was not worried. I had hope that his decision would be to stay, and I refused to let the possibility he would not, turn a wonderful night filled with laughter and joy, into one filled with hopelessness.
And finally, the sound of Atticus’ boots moved up the steps of the front porch, and my heart beat erratically behind my ribs like a frantic bird locked in a cage.
ATTICUS
I stood in the doorway; five pairs of eyes were on me: some with anticipation, one with indifference, one with incessant lust, and one with a simple smile that might not’vte mean much to anyone else, but to me, it meant everything.
“So, what’d I miss?” I asked, choosing not to announce my decision yet—I hadn’t made one.
Emily smiled from her spot on the sofa next to Shannon and Rachel. “We were jus’ enjoyin’ Thais’ stories—quite the talented sister ya got ‘ere!”
David nodded from his recliner.
“S’like havin’ TV again, only better,” he said.
“She was ‘bout to recite one of her own poems,” Emily said.
I looked to Thais; she stood in the center of the room, still wearing a dirty gray dress that hung to her thighs; her hair had been pulled into a sloppy bun at the top of her head. I thought she could roll in mud and not bathe for weeks and it wouldn’t lessen my attraction to her. Because there was one, I knew, and although it was still unexplored, it was strong enough I knew I could never leave her here, or anywhere, without me. She was my charge. She was my last chance at redemption. She was…mine, I decided. My what exactly I didn’t know. My responsibility? My friend? My something else entirely? It didn’t matter what—she was mine.
“Let’s hear it, then,” I said, my mouth turning up at the corners.
Thais’ face, splashed with freckles, reddened, and she lowered her eyes with the shy grace of a child; her hands were folded down in front of her.
“Oh, come on,” I pressed, teasing her. “Got me all curious now.”
“You’ve never heard any of it?” Shannon spoke up suspiciously. “Bein’ her brother? Surely you—”
“Oh no, I have,” I cut in, hoping to fix my error. “It’s just…”—I glanced at Thais again, who met my eyes secretly —“…it’s just been a while. There’s not been much opportunity for poetry and stories since we’ve been on the road.”
Rachel—apparently having forgiven me for earlier—sprang from the sofa and came over to me, slipped her arm around me and led me to the empty cushion between her and her mother. I sat down without argument, ignoring the bitter taste the girl left in my mouth, and gave only Thais my attention.
Thais stood in front of everyone. Breathlessly, she looked beyond her small audience as if looking into an endless ocean from a mountaintop; her smiling face became something more evocative, profound, and it alone stirred my heart.
Her hands came up and she pressed her palms tenderly against her breasts. The room became quiet; not even the sound of my breath, or the thrumming of my heart, or the blood rushing through my veins, was I able to catch with my ears. The words came forth from her lips with such beauty and passion and precision:
I sleep.
I dream of fires in the frozen lake;
I see your shadow, but by then it’s too late;
I watch the fog swallow the city gate.
I breathe.
I catch my breath in the frigid air;
I turn and follow the marble stairs;
I see out ahead those walking in pairs.
But where are you?
Where are you…?
Her arms moved about in front of her with grace and elegance.
I look.
In the water I see the reflection of your face;
I feel the ground beneath me move with haste;
I taste the sands of bitter disgrace.
I weep.
I cry for the cradle of warmer arms;
I reach for hands to protect me from harm;
I choke on the billowing smoke of alarm.
Where are you?
Where are you…?
Through her eyes, I thought I could see right down into the depths of her soul. And she went on and on, line after fluid line, until my heart ached and the air in my lungs became so heavy that unless I released it all in one long breath it would suffocate me and leave me dead on the floor.
Maybe there was a god, I thought, but then thought better of it when I remembered that same God let my family die such horrific deaths.
Fuck you, I said as if that God I no longer believed in was listening. FuckYoufuckYoufuckYoufuckYou.
Thank You, but fuck You.