20
ATTICUS
I carried Thais up eight flights of stairs and into my room where I laid her on my bed. She lay in a comatose state; her eyes were open, but it seemed she never blinked.
With a heavy sigh, I slid my back against the wall and sat on the floor across the short distance. I drew my legs up, resting my elbows on my knees, and pressed my head to the wall. I watched Thais for a long time, helpless to do anything about right now, but was no longer conflicted about what I would do tomorrow. I will help get her out of this goddamned city if it’s the last thing I ever do.
But I still didn’t know how. I had a plan, but I doubted it would work.
Earlier in the day, I had gone to speak with Overlord Wolf, just as I’d told Marion and the rest of the men that I’d do:
“What are you proposing, Hunt?” Wolf had asked from his room high at the top of Lexington’s tallest building. “If you tell me you want to give the women as much freedom as the soldiers, then you should be prepared to also give them guns and send them into battle as the soldiers do.”
“Maybe that’s not a bad idea, sir,” I had said. “Many of the women are strong, they can fight and hold their own, if given the chance to prove it.”
Wolf smiled as if he thought I was a young fool.
He turned his back on me and looked out the tall glass window, his hands clasped on his backside.
“And what will we do when the women start dying off in these battles to seize the cities?” Wolf pointed out. “My men will be at war with each other over what’s left of the women—we need them here, on the homestead, safe and out of the hands of outsiders and the spray of bullets.” Wolf turned to see me standing on the other side of the long table littered by maps and paper and candles. “Who will bear our future generation, Hunt, if not the women we care for?”
“Yes, I understand that, sir, and I agree”—I remained standing in a respectful military fashion, my back straight, chin raised, and my hands folded down in front of me—“but, with all due respect, sir, I believe we would benefit more from their cooperation and willingness to bear our children, than to continue forcing them, and rejecting them the right to make their own decisions.” I didn’t feel as confident about the suggestion as I did when going over it in my head on the way here.
Wolf turned from the window and walked slowly down the length of the table; he stopped and watched me for a moment, sizing me up, contemplating. Wolf was a brooding, merciless man. I knew that I could easily say the wrong thing without realizing and Wolf would put a bullet in my head or a knife in my neck. But I didn’t fear him, and I only pretended to respect him.
It was several seconds before Wolf finally responded.
“I think you’re a young soldier with big dreams, Atticus Hunt”—he traced the tip of his index finger across the grain in the table in front of him—“I think your temporary position as Overseer has given you a big head, opened your mind to ambitious possibilities of leadership. But I’m here to tell you, my friend, this plan of equality among men and women cannot and will not succeed. When the world went to shit, things changed.” He raised both arms out at his sides, donning a giant toothy smile, and said with a cheery, booming voice, “We were thrown back in time, Hunt! Sent back to the motherfucking 1800’s!” He smiled. “And I’m loving the shit out of it.”
He dropped his arms back at his sides.
I stood solidly, regarding Wolf with an even expression covering one of anger and revulsion that seethed beneath the surface. I wanted to kill him; the only thing stopping me from it was the all-out manhunt it would create—Thais wouldn’t see the light of morning before they found us.
“We’re only doing what we’ve been forced to do,” Wolf went on, the smile slipping from his face. “None of us asked for this life, but it’s the fucking hand we were dealt, and it’s the fucking hand we all have to play.”
That was the end of that.
I nodded respectfully.
“I understand, sir.” I turned on my heels and started for the door.
“Hunt,” Wolf called out.
I turned again, and waited.
“Despite your idiotic ideas,” he went on, “I believe you will make a good Overseer. You have what it takes. You aren’t afraid of shit, and that, my friend, is a much-needed quality not only in an Overseer position, but in this goddamned life.”
“Thank you, sir.” I was anything but appreciative.
“But a word of advice,” Wolf said at last. “You probably shouldn’t say anything else about this equality bullshit to the men, or you’re gonna get yourself shanked in an alley somewhere.” His smile was as slippery as his warning.
“Understood, sir.”
I left the building and immediately devised a plan to help Thais and her sister to get out of Lexington City.
I spent the day gathering survival items from the stores, pilfering ammunition and weapons from the makeshift armory. By the close of day, I had enough that both girls could survive on their own for at least two weeks: backpacks filled with food and bullets and fire-starting material and medicine and water purification tablets and extra clothes. But it had to be done discreetly; every item I took had to be hidden, the guns and ammunition accounted for, so I had to slip them past the inventory keeper and change the numbers on the books.
I even secured a horse for the sisters.
“This is the least skittish horse I have,” the man who ran the stables had said, patting the mare on her hide. “What do ya’ need her for; thought ya’ liked the horse ya’ got?”
“I do,” I said, and placed a pint of unopened Jack Daniels into the man’s hand, a pill bottle half-filled with methamphetamine into his other hand. “And it’s none of your business what I need her for. There’s more where this came from.”
The man grinned amid a scraggly beard, swiftly tucked the pint and the pill bottle away inside the back of his slouchy blue jeans. He patted the mare’s hide once more. “She’s all yours, whenever ya’ wanna pick her up.”
I left the stables, which used to be a parking lot between two buildings on West Short Street, now gated off by fences, and I went back to the bar where I stayed for the remainder of the afternoon. I sat in that dark corner alone as I contemplated the rest of my plan I never believed would work. One horse, two girls—one of them blind—and no saddle, and I didn’t even know if they could ride. I didn’t think for a minute that the two could get out of the city alone without being seen, especially on something as obvious as a thousand-pound animal, but on foot would prove impossible. And I knew I couldn’t go with them to make sure they got out safely because I’d have to stay behind and make sure no one followed; I’d have to remain present as Overseer or the bells of suspicion would ring sooner, further preventing the sisters from getting far enough away from the city they wouldn’t be spotted. And I would have to stay behind to pretend I knew nothing about the escape when others noticed they were missing; I’d have to steer a search party in the wrong direction, play the part—so much shit to consider; it was making my head spin.
But now things were different—the non-plan changed, turned on its head.
I got off the floor and went over to a traumatized Thais who hadn’t moved since I’d brought her back to the room. I gazed down at her, the way her hair lay strewn across the pillow, leaving welts of discoloration on the fabric where it had soaked up the rainwater. I wanted to touch her face, the only gesture I knew might console her, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
“I’m going to get you out of here,” I said in a gentle, persistent voice, unsure if she even heard me. “I’ll be back soon.”
I went to leave, got as far as the other side of the door when behind me I heard movement: the creak of the box springs underneath my mattress, the swish of the sheet that covered the bed, and the furious padding of bare feet moving across the floor. I threw open the door the rest of the way to see Thais scrambling on her bottom in a backward motion, the gun from underneath the mattress gripped in her hand, the barrel shoved so far into the back of her throat she made a choking sound.
My heart sank.
“No…Thais, no…” I put up my hands as if she were pointing the gun at me again, pleaded with her not to pull the trigger.
I got down on my knees, bracing myself on the tips of my fingers with one hand, and I reached out to her with the other. “I’m going to help you get out of here, Thais,” I said desperately, sincerely, slowly inching my way closer to her.
Warning me, Thais thrust her hand upward, forcing the gun higher so the barrel aimed at her brain rather than the back of her throat.
“Don’t do this,” I pleaded, “don’t do this—let me help you.” No, this can’t be happening again…please don’t…
Then I felt tears slip past the barrier of my eyes and stream down my face, and I began to unravel.
“I’m begging you…please…please let me help you.” My chest rattled with quiet sobs.
Seconds felt endless, the two of us unmoving, unbending. Then Thais’ finger put force on the trigger—just an infinitesimal amount more and I knew it would all be over, that her blood, and the blood of her sister would be on my hands, along with the blood of my family.
I waited. Please don’t do it. I waited. And waited. And waited. I couldn’t move; one muscle and I was afraid she’d pull the trigger. Please don’t do it, goddammit! It felt like a fist was crushing the blood from my heart.
A small anguished cry of surrender, followed by a burst of breath, and the gun fell against the floor. Thais went with it, curled in a fetal position on her side. She screamed into the confines of her body, and I tore my way on my hands and knees across the space between us and pulled her into my arms. Her body trembled and shook against mine; I rocked her, my arms engulfing her.
I sobbed…I fucking sobbed.
Thais opened her mouth and wailed; her fingertips dug into the flesh of my arms.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, my mouth pressed against the top of her hair. “I’m so sorry…” I was shaking. I was shaking. For a moment, I didn’t know myself; the emotion so foreign that I questioned if this was real.
A long time passed that I held Thais there. I was afraid to let go of her, afraid she might grab the gun again, or try to run away—I was afraid of failing her after bringing her back from the brink of certain death. But did I bring her back? Or was she just too afraid to take her own life?
The warm glow of firelight spread outward across the floor, and I looked up at the wide-open door. Farah, in all her dark-haired glory, stood in the hallway with a lantern clasped in one hand, and a barely visible smile at her lips. I remembered seeing her on the first floor of Evelyn’s building during the commotion, which was an unusual place for any of Rafe’s wives to be, and this gave me cause for suspect. Could she have hung the blind sister from the window? It was possible, but unlikely, I concluded. But she may’ve been how Thais found out about it at least.
The lantern glow became brighter as Farah stepped into the doorway.
“What do you want?” I demanded from my spot on the floor; Thais remained limp in my arms.
“I hope you’re trying to save dat girl for yourself, Atticus,” Farah warned, “and not for my husband—should just letta join her sista.”
I expected to feel Thais tense up hearing that comment, but she didn’t move.
I flashed Farah a look of rage; my teeth gritted.
“Did you do this?”
“Oh please,” Farah scoffed; she reached up and brushed her hair away from her shoulder. “If I wanted her dead, I wouldn’t have gone through de trouble or de dramatics.” She laughed lightly under her breath, smoothing her pregnant belly with her hand. “Dere are much easia ways dan tying a rope ‘round a troat and trowing someone out a window.”
I felt Thais tense then.
“Close the fucking door when you leave,” I demanded.
Farah smiled, reached out slowly as if to savor the moment, and then the door closed. Still gritting my teeth, I watched the opening underneath the door until her shadow moved and the lantern light faded.
“Will you kill me?” Thais’ voice was so soft, and the request so stunning, that for a moment I wasn’t sure I’d heard her right.
Feeling the sting of guilt at even the thought of taking her life, I released her and stood, leaving her on the floor staring up at me, eyes full of pleading and pain. I looked away from her, shaking my head, and refused an answer to a question so outrageous it didn’t deserve one.
“I’m a coward,” she said, more to herself than to me it seemed. “If I can’t even take my own life…” She couldn’t finish.
“The last thing you are is a coward,” I scolded her in an even voice.
I sat heavily into the desk chair, the map of the United States of America laid out unfolded upon the desk, stirred by my movements.
“One more night,” I said, not looking at her. “Give me one more night and I’ll get you out of this city.” All I could see in front of me was the scenario: I’d wait until late, after most of the city was sleeping, and then I’d dress her in my military clothes, make her pin up her hair underneath a cap, strap a rifle to her shoulder, a backpack full of goods on her back, and set her atop the mare waiting at the stables.
“But there’s nothing for me anymore,” Thais said, wiping away the lingering tears on her cheeks. “There’s nowhere for me to go, and no one waiting for me there if by some miracle I make it alive. My mother and father are dead. My sister”—she looked up at me, and although I didn’t meet her gaze, I could feel her eyes on me—“my whole family is dead, and this world is dead and my soul is dead and everything that was once good and beautiful and right, is dead.”
I looked at her then, her words stirring me.
“That’s not true,” I said, and got up from the chair and crouched in front of her. “You may be the only good thing left in this world, and I’ll be goddamned if I let your light fade.”
Tears tumbled down Thais’ cheeks.
I took the gun that had fallen from her hand, tucked it into the back of my pants.
“Promise me you won’t try anything,” I said as I went toward the door. “Promise me on your sister’s soul, that you’ll stay in this room and wait for me.”
“Where are you going?”
“To get your supplies.” I placed my hand on the doorknob. “Don’t open this door for anyone.” I opened it to blackness; the candles lit in the hallway had burned down.
“Wait,” Thais called out, and I stopped.
She stood up on wobbly legs.
“You said to get my supplies—are you sending me away alone?”
I thought on it for a moment. I’d had no intention of going with her. I couldn’t. Not if I wanted to keep others from following her.
“No,” I finally said. “You’re not going alone. I’ll go with you, at least until I can get you somewhere safe.”
“Is there anywhere safe, Atticus?” Her voice was soft, hopeless, and hearing her say my name like that did something to my heart. “Do you know where you’re taking me?”
I sighed. And I looked at the wall.
“Yes,” I lied, and then stepped out into the hallway.
Just before I closed the door I added, “Promise me.”
Thais nodded.
“I promise,” she said. “I’ll wait for you.”