"She was everything I ever dreamed, Casir---smart, beautiful, reckless---such passion."
Hankura half chuckled and sighed and stared thoughtfully into his goblet for a moment. "Chelle didn't even know she was a Psion---not even through all the years of reaching into my mind. She was even afraid of me---ran from me when I tried to approach her. It took a while for me to make her understand."
I didn't know how it could ever work. Our lives were literally worlds apart. She was illiterate and uneducated, so wild---yet innocent. But she was so beautiful, and I loved her so much! The thought of leaving her nearly tore the heart right out of me. I couldn't stay there, so I took her to Aledus. That was another mistake, a crazy, reckless mistake. But I loved her. I still love her. She's the other half of my soul.
"I knew that all along. That's why I had to find her," Hankura said aloud. "You can't break psi bonding without breaking off a piece of yourself with it. That's why I asked her to marry me and go to Aledus with me. If she had refused, I would have just stayed on Earth with her. Sometimes, I wish she had."
"And none of this would have happened," Casir finished for him. "Does she blame you for what's happened?"
"After the messes I've gotten her into, I almost wish she would," Hankura mused.
"Hell, Hankura! You're not clairvoyant after all. What if she did blame you? I don't think anyone would punish you more than you're punishing yourself. This misplaced guilt is eating you up inside," Casir admonished bluntly. “It's not your fault!”
Suddenly, Hankura knocked his goblet off the table, spilling its contents everywhere. "How the hell am I supposed to feel? I hear her screaming in my dreams. I kill those bastards over and over again ... and I still see her face gaunt and bruised the way it was that day, the pain in her eyes. I remember the perverted things they did to her... Carava doesn't help, sleep dots don't help. The only way to ever forget is selective mind wipe, and who knows what else they'd wipe out?"
He stood up and kicked over his chair. He just wanted to smash anything he could reach.
"Come on, Hankura. Knock it off! This place is bare enough without you busting things up." Casir jumped up to dodge the table as Hankura overturned it.
Hankura, you've got to let it go. You're tearing yourself apart, and it's not doing either of you any good. How are you and Chelle going to come beyond it if you won't stop looking back? Damn, Hankura, I know it hurts. I feel it, she feels it. You're both hurting each other.
"Get out of my head, you son of a bitch! I don't need you to tell me how I feel!" Hankura turned on him drunkenly and tried to smash a fist into Casir's concerned face.
Casir ducked deftly and leaped out of his way. He had known what was coming almost as soon as Hankura---and he knew Hankura wasn't finished venting his pain and anger. Even drunk, Hankura was good at chackrin. He and Casir had always been closely matched. But damned if Hankura didn't always win at the games. Hankura lunged for him again; he was determined to land a punch this time. There was no reasoning with him. Casir spun around and kicked him not too gently in the gut then decked him.
"Sorry, friend, but you asked for it." Casir stood over him, rubbing bruised knuckles. Hankura raised himself on one elbow, rubbing his jaw. Then, he swallowed hard and got that I'm-gonna-puke look on his face.
Casir grabbed his arm and pulled him to his feet, shoving him into the bathroom. "In there, please! You've made enough of a mess already! You still don't know how to hold that stuff do you."
Casir went over to the wall and pressed for a droid to clean up the room. Then he went over and stood up the table and chairs.
Good thing Chelle was drugged asleep, he thought, as he waited for Hankura to pull himself together. Otherwise, he'd have two miserable, unhappy people to cope with. Mother, it was no damned wonder Hankura was out of control. Casir hurt like hell as he wrestled inwardly with his friend's torment. It was a heavy burden to share, and only Hankura could ease it. To do that, the Aledan would have to face his feelings and come to terms with them. Casir could only try to help him do that.
Casir sank down into his chair and watched the service droid roll in and suck up the spilled carava, collecting the goblets and the spent flasks. Too bad they couldn't clean things up on Zevus Mar that easily. Too bad Hankura couldn't put his life back together that easily.
The droid left, and Hankura stumbled from the bathroom, looking pretty haggard, but less miserable.
"Feel better?" Casir asked.
"Than what?" he muttered, looking at him sheepishly. "Hey, I didn't mean---"
"I know, friend. I'm sorry things turned out the way they did for you. If I could have changed it for you, I would have," he told him solemnly. "Maybe you shouldn't have come back to Zevus Mar."
Hankura shook his head, his mouth a grim line. "It wouldn't change how we feel. I've been running since I left Velran, but you can't run away from yourself. Chelle and I have both been running. We ran from Earth, we ran from Aledus, and we ran from Zevus Mar. It's time to stop running. We had to come here and face this thing. Besides, they really need us here."
"Is there anything I can do?" Casir asked with a well of compassion for his best friend.
"You're here. If nothing else, maybe you can knock some sense into my head." He grinned tightly. "There is one thing I need to borrow ....”
"Sure, the hovercraft. Take it tomorrow. Use it all you like. I'll let you know if I need it. Do you think you'll be able to drag out tomorrow?"
"I have to," Hankura asserted. "I'll get some anti-tox." He hiccuped, still looking queasy. "Mother, nothing tastes worse than that stuff the second time around."
"Aw, did you have to say that?" Casir looked a little queasy himself.
"Sorry," Hankura murmured and took a step toward the door. "See you sometime in the morning. I'm going to bed and pass out." He stumbled drunkenly out the door, and it closed behind him.
"I don't doubt that," Casir murmured after him.
Getting up, Casir crossed the room and took out another flask of carava and a clean goblet. He poured himself another glass full and drained it.
"Damn it!" he breathed raggedly and sat down to pour himself still another drink. "I hope the hell he has plenty of anti-tox."