Thirty hours of labor and my wife Laura was finally sleeping after getting an epidural. I was dead on my feet, but there was too much to do. I couldn’t get in a catnap. Besides, I wasn’t the one who was going to have to push a kid out of my vagina. Laura had to do all that. She deserved to sleep. But while she took a quick rest, I went to the waiting room to tell the family what was up.

We had decided months ago that we would be the only people, aside from doctors and nurses, in the delivery room. We wanted to share the moment together, to bask in the wonder of our new addition. We had tried for so long to get pregnant, and Laura had gone through so many miscarriages that this was a dream come true.

We were going to have a baby.

I was going to be a dad. After years of jizzing into a cup, and years of Laura going through fertility treatments that sent her hormones into a tizzy on a regular basis, this was the final step. She just had to deliver the healthy baby we’d been expecting for nine months, and we would be parents.

I stepped into the waiting room and Fred, my partner at work and my best friend from way back, jumped to his feet. Fred and I went through the police academy together, we went through training together, and we’d worked hard to become a team, fighting crime in the big city of New York. He was my best friend, so it didn’t surprise me that he was still here.

“How is she?” he rushed to ask.

“She’s finally sleeping. They gave her an epidural.”

Fred ran a hand through his bright red hair. “That’s good.” He relaxed a little.

“You okay, buddy?”

He nodded. “Just scared.” He held up a hand like he was surrendering to the cops. “For you. And for Laura. I’m scared for you guys. You’re going to be a dad. God, I can’t believe it.” He avoided my gaze.

A nurse opened the door to Laura’s room and stuck her head out. “Mr. Jacobson, it’s time.”

“It’s time?” Fred ran a hand through his hair again. Sweat sheened his forehead.

“You all right, buddy?” I asked again. I laid a hand on his shoulder and squeezed.

He didn’t look at me. “Yeah, yeah… Go to your wife.”

“Mr. Jacobson?” the nurse prompted again. “We need you in here.”

Laura’s parents and her sister all stood at the door in the hallway with Fred while I went back inside the room. Laura was awake and they told her it was time to start pushing. She reached for my hand, and I sat down near her head, taking her palm firmly against mine. “You got this,” I told her. “Very soon, you’ll be holding our baby.”

Her eyes welled up with tears. “I’m scared,” she whispered.

“Me too.” I was scared shitless.

I talked her through every contraction. I urged her to push, to breathe, to wait, to push again. I kept her going when she wanted to quit. I consoled her when she told me how much she hated me. I let her squeeze my hand.

Then it was time. I watched the baby come into the world. They lifted it and laid it upon her belly, and then they started to wipe it clean. The baby’s skin was rosy and pink.

“It’s a girl,” the doctor said. We didn’t want to know before the birth. “A healthy baby girl. You want to cut the cord, Dad?”

But I couldn’t. I couldn’t do anything. I watched as they cleaned her hair. Her bright red hair.

Laura laid her hand on the baby’s head and covered up those gleaming, flaming tufts. “Jake,” Laura said, sobbing.

I said nothing.

“You want to cut the cord, Dad?” the doctor asked again.

“No,” I said. I couldn’t breathe.

“I didn’t know, Jake,” Laura said, sobs heaving from her.

I said nothing. I had no words for her at all.

“It was just one time, Jake. Just once. I swear it.”

I looked toward the door where I knew Fred waited. “I’ll get Fred for you,” I said.

Then I walked out.

Fred met me at the door with a red face and sweaty armpits. We could hear the baby crying from the other room. “It’s a healthy baby girl,” I told them all. I held out a hand to Fred to shake. He took it warily. “Congratulations,” I said.

Then I walked out. I went home that night and drank myself stupid. Then I did it again, and every day for two weeks. I drank, took two weeks of vacation from work, and then when it was time to go back, my boss told me I needed a break. That was after I broke Fred’s nose. And his arm. And I tore up part of the office. And then I hit a civilian when he tried to break up the fight that I carried on with even after they threw me out onto the sidewalk. Apparently, I had some anger issues.

Laura never came home from the hospital. I don’t know where she went. She didn’t call. She didn’t come and get the baby stuff we’d collected. She didn’t do anything. She just left. I heard she went with her parents. Then I heard she was with Fred. All I knew was that she wasn’t with me. And she never would be again.