Mackenzie

Clair has come over every day for the past week. I don’t mind, and I understand her interest in Logan. But the closer they get, the harder it’s going to be on both of them when we leave.

“I was going to take Logan to the Children’s Museum today. If that’s okay with you,” Clair says, picking Logan up when she runs at her, arms outstretched.

“Sure. She’d like that.”

“You can come with us if you’d like.”

“I have a few things I need to do.” Like going to my mom’s, and finding out what she knows about Stefano.

The last time I went over, she’d been too drunk to put a coherent sentence together. I glance at the clock on the wall. It’s still early enough that I may be able to catch her before she hits her second buzz.

Clair puts Logan down and tells her to put her shoes on, then reaches into her purse and hands me a manila envelope.

“What’s this?” I frown down at it.

“It’s all the information you need to apply for nursing school as a mature student.”

I look up at her and frown. “I can’t.”

“I know it’s too late to apply for this year, but it gives you enough time to get everything you need for next September.”

“Clair–”

She continues to ramble on, ignoring my protest. “I know it’s none of my business, but I remember how much you always wanted to be a nurse. And I can help with Logan, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

How am I supposed to go to college when I don’t even know where I’ll be living six months from now?

Tears sting my eyes. The fact that she cares this much about me makes my chest tighten.

I shake my head and give her a hug. “Thank you.”

Her eyes are watery when she pulls back, gripping my shoulder. “I know you’re scared. And I’ve kept my promise not to tell Theo, but–”

“Clair, don’t.” I pull back, placing the envelope on the table.

“You have to tell him.”

“I will. Just…let me wait until after his fight. He’s already got too much to worry about, he doesn’t need this, too.” It also gives me enough time to get some money together.

With September 23^rd approaching, I need to figure out what I’m going to do. It’s been months since I’ve received one of Stefano’s letters, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t know where I am.

Clair sighs and gives me a disapproving look, but unlike Theo, she’s not one to push things.

When she’s gone, I grab my gray hoodie and head down the backstairs.

“Hey.” Theo’s voice stops me as I push through the door. “Where’re you going?”

He comes down the stairs two at a time.

“I thought you were training?”

“I was going to go for a run, but if you’re going somewhere, I can drive you.”

“It’s okay. I can take the bus.”

He frowns.

“I’m going to see my mom,” I say, hoping that explains my attitude.

“Oh.” He runs his hand through his hair. “I’ll take you.”

“Okay.”

His face brightens.

It’s actually a relief having him with me.

Being around my mom is never easy, and even though I make him wait for me in the car, just the fact that he’s nearby eases some of my anxiety.

My mom’s twenty-year-old Honda is parked in the driveway, and I can hear the television screaming some obnoxious jingle, but no one answers when I knock on her door.

I knock again, then try the door. When it creaks opens, I yell in, “Mom?”

Nothing.

A white cat hisses at me from across the room.

I kick an empty forty-ouncer that lays in the middle of the entrance. The place smells of stale beer, cigarettes, and cat piss. My stomach churns. It was a bad idea coming here.

“Mom?”

“Stop yelling.” Wearing a stained blue nightgown, her hair matted, eyes puffy, the whites yellowed, my mom stumbles down the hall, then plops herself down on the couch, pulling a cigarette out and lighting it. “What do you want?”

I can tell she’s not drunk. Maybe a little high on pain meds, but she’s coherent enough.

“I came to ask–”

“If this is about the money again, I told you already, it’s gone.”

She’s in one of her mean moods. I can see it in her eyes, the way she purses her lips when she glowers at me.

“It’s not about the money.” I fidget in the entranceway. It doesn’t matter how old I get, I’ll always feel like a scared ten-year-old kid around her.

“What is it then?” she bites out, blowing out a puff of smoke.

“I…”

“Spit it out.”

“I was wondering if you’d heard from Stefano?”

She flicks the ash from the end of her cigarette into an ashtray and sneers up at me. “Why do you want to know?”

“I wondered if you’d heard if he’s still locked up?”

“You trying to cause more trouble for that poor man? I swear, after everything you’ve done…” She pulls an orange plastic bottle from her pajama pocket and pops the white cap, then shakes a couple pills into her hand. She tosses the pills in her mouth, swallowing.

“I’m not trying to cause anyone trouble.”

“That’s all you do, Mackenzie. Cause trouble. Ever since you were a little girl. You’ve been nothing but a nuisance. Only worrying about yourself. Do you ever think about what it did to me when you left? All that money you owed Stefano. Who did you think had to pay it?”

“I’m sorry.” I know she didn’t pay a dime, because she’s never had a dime to spare. But I have no doubt the man made her pay in other ways.

“Sorry.” Her top lip curls on the word. “That man is rotting in prison because of you, and all you can say is sorry.”

I bite my lip to stop myself from arguing with her. I’ve tried many times, but it always ends the same. Her yelling. Me crying. So, I let her believe what she wants.

“I should go.” It was stupid to come here. I should have known I wouldn’t get anything from her.

A dry, harsh cackle stops me. “I hear you’re staying with that boy. What’s his name? Theo.”

My mouth goes dry.

“He’s done well for himself. I was looking on the internet, says he made three hundred thousand on his last fight. Smart girl, hooking yourself up with him.”

I glance out the window and see Theo leaning against the hood of his car, arms crossed.

“He’s just a friend.”

“Just friends?” Her eyes are hard, calculating. There are times like these when I like her better drunk.

“Why don’t you bring your friend in and I’ll make us some lunch.”

“That’s not necessary.” I block the door when she moves towards it. “We have to go.”

“You never want to stay.” She pouts, her mood changing instantly. “After everything I do for you, and you treat me like this.”

Maybe she’s had more to drink than I originally thought, or the pills are starting to kick in. Her face goes red, eyes filling with tears, and the heavy lines around her mouth deepening when she presses her lips together.

I know what’s coming. The shaming. And I brace for it.

“Selfish. That’s what you are. You know Lillian’s daughter, Julia? She takes care of her mother. Bought her a new car last month.” She sniffs, looking down her nose at me. “What have you given me, but heartache and pain?”

“I’m sorry I’ve been such a terrible daughter,” I mutter, opening the door. I need to get out of there before she continues her rant and I say something I shouldn’t.

“You never tell me I’m a good mother,” she sulks, following me onto the porch. “When you’re a mom, you’ll know how much I sacrificed for you. I gave up everything. And look how you repay me.”

This is one of the reasons I haven’t told her about Logan. There’s also no way in hell I’m letting her anywhere near my daughter.

Jaw clenched, I give her a stiff hug. “Goodbye, Mom.”

Her fingers wrap around my forearm, her sharp nails digging into my flesh.

I see Theo’s reaction. His shoulders go stiff, and he stands straight. Shit, he’s going to end up coming over.

“Tell me,” she whines. “Tell me I was a good mom.”

“You were a good mom.” My voice is hard, clipped, and I can tell she doesn’t believe me.

“You okay?” Theo asks, now a few feet away.

“Of course she’s okay.” She doesn’t let go of my arm. Instead, her nails bite down harder. “I was just inviting you both in for some lunch.”

“It’s time to go, Mac,” Theo says, his eyes narrowed on where her talon grip holds my arm.

Her cold eyes turn on me. “What did you tell him?”

“Nothing.” It’s the truth. Other than the things Theo has seen himself, I’ve never really told him how bad things could get. But something warns me she isn’t talking about the physical and mental abuse I’ve suffered at her hands.

Theo takes a step onto the porch. “Let her go.”

“Did you tell him what you did? How much money you owe me?”

“I don’t owe you anything.”

“You ungrateful little bitch.” Her palm strikes my cheek hard.

I blink, and Theo is between us. He pushes me behind him. I can’t see his face, but I can hear his heavy breathing and I know he’s trying hard to control himself.

“Don’t. Ever. Touch. Her. Again.” Each word is steel, filled with intent.

“Who do you think you are?” There’s outrage in my mother’s voice.

“Theo, let’s go. It’s not worth it.” My face is stinging bloody murder, and I just want to get out of there before it escalates further. Already, a few of the neighbors have come out to their porches to watch.

He wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me protectively against his chest, leading me down the steps.

“Mackenzie Rose, get back here!” The shrillness of her voice causes a neighbor’s dog to bark. “I swear to God, come back here now, or you’ll be sorry.”

Theo stops. I can feel the anger vibrating off him. He turns slowly, his eyes on fire.

“You listen to me.” His tone is even, but the threat is clear. “If you ever go near Mac or your granddaughter again, it’ll be you who’s sorry. Understood?”

Shit, shit. Shit.

I see the moment Theo’s words sink in. Her face goes pale, eyes wide. Then, just as quickly, her expression hardens. “You little slut.”

I feel like the ground has just dropped beneath me, and I’m falling.

“Get in the car, Mac.”

My mother’s voice, filled with malice, hollers behind me as Theo practically drags me to the car.

I don’t think I take a full breath until we’re a couple of blocks away.

Theo grabs my hand and curses. “Shit, your fingers are like ice.”

I sit there, unable to move, my mind replaying the scene.

“She didn’t know?” Theo keeps glancing over at me. “About Logan.”

“No.”

“Fuck. I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t know.” How can I blame him? All he’s ever done is try to protect me.

We’re both silent the rest of the way back. Despite the late summer heat, my body is shaking uncontrollably by the time we pull into the back parking lot of the gym.

“I can’t go in. Not yet.” I need to calm down before I see Logan. And I know Clair will have questions that I can’t answer right now.

He touches my arm, close to where my mom’s nails cut through the skin.

“Come up to my place. You need to clean these so they don’t get infected.”

“Okay.” My voice is strangled and I can’t control the emotion that bubbles up, nearly choking me.

I know it’s wrong, selfish, but as I follow Theo upstairs, all I want is to be wrapped in his arms, to feel the strength of his body, and for just one night let someone else carry the weight of all my transgressions.