“I am so glad you still wanted to reschedule with me,” Shane said as we sat down at a seat in The Hungry Pig restaurant. “I knew it was such a bullshit excuse—food poisoning, but I swear to God, it was real.”

I smiled politely. “It’s no big deal. Really. I’m glad you wanted to go on a date still, too.”

“Oh,” Shane said, grinning wide. “So this is a date. Even better.” He swept a hand back through his blond hair.

I chuckled. “A casual date, but… yes. I need to get out more now that I’m back in Rose Falls.”

“Well, you picked the perfect place. You have got to try the bacon-wrapped scallops appetizer. It’s better than sex.”

“That’s some heavy praise,” I said.

“It deserves it. Here, I’ll order for us. Do you have any dietary restrictions?”

“Nope. Only thing I’m allergic to is penicillin, and I’d hope there isn’t any of that in the food here.”

Shane rubbed his hands together as he looked down at the menu, trying to devise a perfect sampler of foods for us.

I was relieved to be out with Shane. It was Wednesday night, and already it had felt like the longest week of my life. I hadn’t been sleeping well. Work had seemed to drag and drag.

And it had been four nights after the incident had occurred with Devin. Since I’d made so many mistakes I couldn’t even have kept track of them if I’d tried.

The morning after the party, I had kind of lost my mind after I woke up at Devin’s house—woke up in bed next to him. I’d been dreaming fitfully, and while I don’t remember what all my dreams had been, I remembered the final one.

In the dream, I had been watching Devin, naked on a beach, fixated on how beautiful his skin was in the sunlight. But then another man had come and stepped between us, blocking me out, then carrying Devin out into the water. They’d looked back at me and laughed after kissing passionately. In the dream, I had known they were laughing at me.

It was the stupidest and simplest of anxiety dreams, but when I’d woken up, my body had been pressed on Devin, I was shaking lightly and was clinging to him like a lifeline.

All that had gone through my mind in that quick moment of terror had been I need you, Devin. And all I could see was him with someone else.

When I got up to cross into the bathroom, Devin’s phone had buzzed, and a quick glance showed me that it was a text from Angelo.

And that’s when my mind had started to run on overdrive.

Because Saturday night had been incredible sex—there was no doubt about it. But the real shift that occurred with me hadn’t been sexual at all, it had been emotional; a tectonic movement that shook me to the core.

I was starting to feel like I needed Devin.

And if Saturday night had just been a hookup to him, the kind of thing that he did at parties with any guy that was nearby, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to take it. Devin had told me countless times that he wasn’t looking for a relationship—but that was exactly what I yearned for. It would break my heart if Devin only wanted to hook up with me casually.

The text from Angelo only solidified my feelings. For all I knew, Devin was dating him and would drop me the minute he realized that Angelo was better.

Because he was better, for Devin. All I had to offer was medical knowledge, past friendship, and—the real kicker—eight years where I’d been too scared to even talk to him.

The pain of knowing how good Devin felt in my arms, only to have it ripped away, would be too great.

And so I left. I knew the mattress would be coming in the early morning, so I went back to my house, taking everything back as quietly as I could. When I saw Devin later that day it only confirmed what I thought was true: he was seeing Angelo later.

And I knew that was probably the right thing. If I wanted to be a true friend to Devin, I, of course, would have to watch him date, watch him fall in love, maybe someday be the best man at his wedding.

But if I was spending all my time lusting after him, I knew I’d never be a good friend.

It was the hardest thing telling Devin that I wanted to take a little break, but it was what I had to do. For the time being, it was awkward, sure—but in the long run, if I wanted any chance at being his friend, I knew I had to. I couldn’t demand a relationship from someone who so clearly hated them.

I just needed time to heal and to date other people.

Which is why tonight I was trying my damned hardest to enjoy myself, to actually try to hit it off with Shane, to think about something other than the painful fact that I wanted no man as much as I wanted my best friend.

And surprisingly enough, it was actually going very well with Shane.

“So what do you do, Russ?” he asked after placing an order for what felt like fifty different appetizers.

“I’m a physician assistant,” I said. “Basically, I perform all services a doctor would, other than the ability to prescribe medications.”

“Oh! Sure, absolutely—my cousin is a physician assistant in Illinois,” Shane said. “Wow, what an intense job. That’s really admirable.”

“Thank you,” I said, pleasantly surprised. “Most people don’t know what a physician assistant is, or, they think that it’s more similar to a nurse—which bothers me even more because people don’t realize that nurses sometimes have the hardest jobs in the whole hospital.”

“It is tough work,” Shane said.

There was a brief lull in the conversation, and immediately, I felt panic rising. Because I felt like the inevitable had finally happened—I’d started talking about my job, and soon Shane would realize I had nothing else interesting to talk about. Usually, it was at times like this that my dates had started to fizzle out, reduced to piles of smoldering ash instead of ever going anywhere.

“And you work here?” I said, feebly, wishing I had something slightly better to offer.

He nodded. “I am the sous chef here, now. Today’s my day off. I would normally say that it’s hard work, but after you just told me what your job is, I don’t think I can do it with a clear conscience,” he said with a laugh.

“Are you kidding? Restaurant work is brutal. I’ve seen Kitchen Nightmares enough to have figured that out.”

“Gordon Ramsay is hilarious on TV, but if I had to work for him I’m sure I wouldn’t make it even one day.”

“Me either,” I said with a laugh. “There’s only so many times you can be called a fucking idiot without losing it.”

Our appetizers began to stream out, and each one seemed better than the last.

“Jesus,” I said, my mouth full of patatas bravas. “This is some of the best food I think I’ve ever had.”

“We do a good job here, I have to admit,” Shane said. “Thank you. Oh! Did you ever get around to trying that beer I gave you? I’m telling you, I think it’s my best brew yet. The bergamot flavor is really special.”

“Shit,” I said, dropping my fork. “I completely forgot about that. I think I might have left it at Devin’s.”

“Oh. Right,” Shane said, studying my face. “You were… staying with Devin for a little while?”

“Just because my own bed got sogged out with rain in the storm a couple weeks ago,” I said. I blushed slightly, just thinking about Devin’s house. I knew Shane couldn’t tell that I had slept with Devin when I’d stayed at his house—and even so, Shane and I weren’t exclusive by any means. It would have been none of his business even if he had been asking about my relationship with Devin.

But I still couldn’t help but blush at the memory.

“Gotcha,” Shane said with a nod. “You were best friends growing up, Devin said?”

“Yup. I was an only child, and until I met Devin, I was pretty much on my own. It was huge when I finally made such a good friend.”

“God, that sounds so good,” Shane said. “I was an only child, too, and I always wished I could find someone who’d basically be like a sibling to me.”

I coughed a little on my drink. “Oh. Um. Devin wasn’t really like a sibling, really,” I said, stammering as I again thought of what we’d done four nights ago.

“So what made you move out of Rose Falls?”

I paused. I had gotten so used to the typical answer to the question—that I moved for a job, and for Erica—that it was almost automatic at this point. But another answer lingered within me, and I felt a sudden surge of honesty course through me.

If I really was going to try to date new people, I had to be honest. And what did I have to lose?

“Okay,” I said, putting down my glass. “This is probably way too serious for a first date, but I’m just going to say it. I… moved away partly because I was closeted, and in some fucked-up way, I think the past version of me hoped that moving to a brand-new place would be a clean slate. That I could push down my feelings and define myself on my own terms. But that didn’t work, for obvious reasons.”

“Wow,” Shane said, lifting his eyebrows. “Don’t worry about being too serious on a first date, by the way—that was refreshingly honest. So… you were kind of running from something?”

“Yes. And of course, it caught up to me.”

“Wherever you go, there you are,” Shane said with a shrug. “I’m so glad you’re feeling more confident now, though.”

I chuckled softly. “It’s always a work in progress,” I said. I relaxed back in my chair and realized that no matter how vulnerable this felt, and how uncomfortable it had been initially to talk about something private with a new date, I actually was beginning to feel… good. It had been scary, and nerve-wracking, but at least I was talking about something other than my damn job.

I grinned, leaning back in toward him. “And you can probably imagine how hard it is being a ‘baby gay’ at age thirty,” I said.

“I definitely can’t imagine how hard it must be,” he said, returning my smile. “I felt like a late bloomer coming out at twenty-one.”

“I feel elderly and infantile all at once, it’s great,” I said.

He laughed warmly. “If it’s any consolation, I never would have been able to tell,” he said. “You’re a natural.”

* * *

As the night went on, I found myself liking Shane more and more. My impression of him was so different from the one I’d seen when I’d first met him—he was so much more down-to-earth than I would have expected.

Really, I could see us becoming good friends.

I agreed to walk him back to his place, and we ambled down the sidewalks in the chilly evening air, swapping horror stories from school and college. Shane was funny, and I found myself laughing at his jokes and impressions.

“God, you should consider yourself lucky, actually, that you came out once you were a true adult,” he said as we passed by a large park. “You can ask Devin about it—when I lived with him it was an absolute circus of horrors, the guys I brought back to the house. Devin and Freddie absolutely hated it.”

“Freddie?”

“Freddie was Devin’s boyfriend at the time. You don’t remember him?”

“Ah… Devin and I didn’t really talk for the years that I was in California,” I said, kicking a rock down the sidewalk with the toe of my boot.

“I see. Freddie was a good guy, though I did always kind of wonder what he was doing with Devin,” Shane said, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

I paused for a moment. On the one hand, I didn’t want to hear about Devin’s ex-boyfriend at all, and on the other, I wanted to know exactly why they hadn’t worked out.

Shane started talking again before I could make a decision either way.

“Freddie was like… this super athletic gym-rat, and he was a nice guy, but the extent of his conversations was about his favorite new gym gloves or how many pounds he was bench-pressing now. I always wondered what the hell they even talked about. Devin would shoot the shit with me or his other friends for hours but around Freddie… not so much. Wasn’t really surprised when they split up.”

“Yeah,” I said, “I guess I always pictured Devin ending up with some sort of art historian or academic artist.”

“Exactly!” Shane said, clapping his hands together. “That’s the kind of guy he should be with, y’know? But he never listened to me. You know how stubborn he is.”

I tried to muster a small laugh, but I’d suddenly become nervous in the last few minutes, and it came out fairly weak. “He sure can be stubborn. Once, when we were kids, he insisted on reading aloud to me the entirety of a Goosebumps book right before we went to bed at a sleepover. I think I had nightmares for days.”

“That’s Devin,” Shane said with a smile.

“But then he also did things like punching this guy who was picking on me, at the beginning of middle school when I was at my most awkward and chubby,” I said quickly, the words tumbling from me. “He didn’t have to do it. The guy was twice his size. But he’d called me a ‘cow’ or something totally stupid like that, and Devin laid into him.”

“Wow, good for him. He can be pretty scrappy, for sure,” Shane said.

“He knows when he cares about something,” I said. “He’s probably the most passionate person I know.”

Shane puffed out a laugh. “Yeah. Passionate about everything except finding a partner,” he said, shaking his head.

“What?”

He glanced at me, his face shining briefly as we walked under a streetlight on the quiet, residential road. “I mean, you haven’t noticed? Not only does he pick the oddest boyfriends, but he… can’t commit to any of them. Not really. It’s like he always has one foot in, and one foot out.”

I paused for a while, contemplating that idea. Was Devin like that? I wasn’t one to tell since I had been gone for so many years. But maybe it was true. Since I’d seen him, he certainly hadn’t expressed any interest in dating seriously. Maybe Angelo would change that fact, but… Shane’s words rang true.

Maybe Devin would never want a relationship.

Yet another reason why my desire for him would surely be a dead-end road.

“And,” Shane said, his voice dropping to a low, conspiratorial whisper. “I’ve decided I like you, Russ, and… can I tell you something, between you and me?”

“Yeah?”

“I always thought Devin’s whole thing with being eaten out was so weird.”

“What do you mean?” Involuntarily, I pictured when I’d done that very thing to him, four nights ago. I could still remember how tight he had felt against my tongue.

“I mean… he wouldn’t let anyone do it. Ever. I remember talking to him about it at home one night, and he said he didn’t even let his boyfriends do it to him. It’s weird—I mean, to me, that’s one of the best feelings in the world, but Devin always claimed it was ‘too intimate’ or something. He’s probably still never tried it.”

I nodded, my mouth hanging slightly open, as I tried to hide my surprise.

Devin never let anyone do that… and yet he’d been so receptive to me doing it the other night?

He must have had a change of heart. Because I knew full well that I’d brought him to the brink of coming, just from doing it.

I felt my cock stir in my pants at the memory, and I had to readjust my stance slightly as we walked. Remembering the act itself was hotter than hell, of course, but what caused me to start growing hard in the middle of a public street wasn’t just remembering the closeness with Devin.

It was remembering how he’d sounded when I’d done it. His little moans that got even louder. The slight shake in his breath and in his limbs.

He’d been totally mine, in that moment. And I’d wanted nothing else than to give him what he needed.

My face felt hot, suddenly, and I swallowed hard. “What’s that?” I said, pointing over at a clearing at the edge of the park. I was curious, but the main reason I said it was to make sure Shane didn’t see my erection—I needed to think about something, anything else but Devin’s body at that moment.

“That? Oh—that’s where they have the ice rink in wintertime,” Shane said. “It’s the best. They put up a big Christmas tree, the whole nine yards. They started doing it about five years ago, I think.”

“That sounds beautiful.” The act of thinking about a cold ice rink and winter air on my skin finally helped to make my cock start going down again. After pausing for a few moments, we continued walking, rounding the corner onto a smaller street.

“My place is actually just up here,” Shane said, pointing to a small house a few doors down.”

“It’s so nice,” I said, gazing up at the thick trees that covered the street, a few of which had already been decked out with white twinkle lights.

“I still live with roommates, but it’s worth it to live on this street,” Shane said. “She’s a beauty.”

“This is what I missed about Rose Falls,” I said, gesturing up at the canopy of leaves above us. “In California, it was pretty much just palm trees. They’re fine, of course, but big old trees like these make me feel… I don’t know, I guess they make me feel at home.”

“You really did miss it here, didn’t you?”

I sucked in a deep breath, the smell of fall filling my lungs. “So much.”

We paused at the front of his house, at the edge of a curving brick walkway that led to the front door. Shane’s hands were still in the pockets of his jacket, and his cheeks were lightly flushed when he turned and looked up at me.

“I… had a great time tonight,” he said, with a small smile.

“I had a lot of fun, too,” I said, surprising myself by how true the statement actually was. “I’m glad I didn’t scare you off with my TMI confessions,” I said.

He puffed out a laugh, and I saw the brief cloud of his breath in the air. “It was great. Your honesty was… refreshing.”

I nodded, and we hung in silence for a moment.

“Would you… be willing to hang out again?” he said.

“I think so,” I said, nodding.

His smile widened, and he bounced on the balls of his toes. He looked at the ground, then back up at me.

Then all of a sudden, he was leaning forward, standing on his tiptoes, and his face was coming closer to mine. In an instant, he placed his lips on mine. He smelled like the rosemary gin he’d been drinking at dinner, and after a brief moment of shock, I leaned back, placing a hand on his chest.

“Ah,” I said, with a small flinch. In the moment, I felt incredibly rude—it felt awful, rejecting someone’s kiss. But it had felt wrong, somehow. I should have known he might want a goodnight kiss, but it had shocked me, nonetheless. “I’m sorry, Shane, I really like you, but, I’m not sure I’m ready for that,” I said.

He held his hand up, covering his mouth. “Shit. Fuck. I’m sorry—I thought I was getting the green light from you, I didn’t mean to—”

“It’s okay—really, it’s fine. I just…” I debated internally for a moment, wondering how I could describe my feelings to him. “Can I be perfectly honest with you?”

He took a deep breath, returning his hand to his pocket. “Honesty has worked well for us tonight, so yes, please. Unless you’re about to tell me you find me heinously ugly, I’d appreciate the truth.”

“You’re not ugly at all, Shane,” I said. “You’re… cute, for sure. But the honest truth is that… I think I’m still a little hung up on someone else.”

He nodded, pressing his lips together. “I know how that feels.”

“And I’m trying to get over him, but I don’t know how fast that process will be. But… it is also true that I had a good time tonight.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Do you think we could be friends?”

He took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “Actually, yes,” he said. “Because—in the spirit of honesty—I just got out of a long relationship, so I probably should also cool it for a while. I just… got caught up in the moment, and a kiss seemed like the right thing to do.”

“I understand,” I said. “I still think we could make good friends, though.”

“I think you’re right,” he said, and his grin returned.

“Hug?” I said, returning his smile.

“Okay, okay,” he said, leaning in. I gave him a long hug, genuinely grateful for the evening we’d shared and also heartened by the fact that he didn’t seem too upset about how it had ended.

I started the walk back to my house. As the leaves crunched under my feet I began to realize that I was the happiest I had been in days. For the first time since the night with Devin, I felt a slight lessening of pressure.

Because even though I probably wasn’t going to end up dating Shane, I felt like I had met a new friend.

Making a new friend would mean that Devin wouldn’t be essentially my only contact in Rose Falls, and maybe—just maybe—I could stop myself from fixating on him so much.

It was a baby step, but it was in the right direction.

But whatever good mood I’d been in swiftly unraveled as soon as I made it back to my street. Because as I rounded the corner, from the other side of the street I saw the silhouette of someone else coming from the opposite way. It only took a split second to realize that it was Devin, and he had a bottle of wine in each of his hands.

For a moment I thought about tucking my head down, continuing down my side of the street and saying nothing.

But the moment we made eye contact from across the street, I knew it wasn’t possible.

“Hey,” Devin said, lifting one arm to wave at me.

I waved back.

He crossed the street, a polite smile on his face.

“Beautiful out tonight, isn’t it?” he said, crossing to stand near me on the street. “How are you?”

His voice was light, friendly, nothing out of the ordinary for an interaction with a neighbor. But I knew Devin, and I knew that he wasn’t completely himself. It was far more polite than he’d normally be with me, more formal, and forced somehow.

“I’m doing okay,” I said. “Just coming home from meeting up with Shane.”

“Right,” Devin said, his eyes meeting mine as he nodded.

“Got some wine?” I said, cringing internally at the awkwardness of the entire encounter. Why couldn’t I just act normal around him?

“Oh, yeah,” Devin said, looking down at the bottles. “Just headed out to get some more, I’ve got a few people over.”

“I see,” I said. A pause hung between us and seemed to expand, and with every passing millisecond I had the urge to run away or cry or hold him or I don’t know what, but it suddenly felt as if I were in a pressure cooker, and I didn’t know how to escape.

“You could…” he finally said, breaking the silence. “I mean, you’re welcome to join if you… wanted to, it’s just me and Meredith and Angelo and Emmett—”

I shook my head. “I’ve gotta get back home,” I said, swallowing.

His face fell, almost imperceptibly, but I saw it there. My body was screaming to touch him. To blurt out how much I already missed him even though it had only been four days, to lift him up and not care at all if his wine bottles crashed to the ground, to kiss him until I felt him laughing against my lips.

I was a wreck.

“I’ll see you later, Devin,” I said, turning my face away before he could see it twist into a pained frown.

“Bye, Russ,” I heard him say as I was already tearing down the sidewalk.

How had it already gotten this bad? How had I only been back in Rose Falls for a month and yet I couldn’t be the friend to Devin that I’d wanted to be?

But I knew I couldn’t have gone over to his house. I couldn’t bear to see him there with Angelo, hear his friends pester him to start dating other guys. It was completely unfair, and I knew it, and my only option was to run away.

Because as much as it hurt me, I knew that the only way I could be a friend to Devin right now was to leave him alone. I wanted something from him that he wasn’t able to provide, and I at least had to respect him enough to respect his wishes.

He didn’t want a relationship. He didn’t want me, as anything but a friend.

* * *

When I got home I took my phone out of my pocket, sitting down on my couch. A thousand emotions roiled in me, but on the surface, all I could feel was numb. Pepper climbed up on my lap immediately, pawing at my stomach, undoubtedly trying to beg for treats or toys.

“In a minute, Pepper,” I said softly, noticing that I’d gotten a missed call from an unknown number earlier that night. I had a voicemail, and I pushed play to listen.

“Hi, I really hope I have the right number, here. My name is Jonah Michaelson. My friend has just sent me a photograph of a lost cat sign that he saw in my neighborhood, and I think you may have found my lost kitten. I am a professor at Rosecrest University, and I’m currently out of the country setting up for a gallery showing I have in Berlin, but I will be back in Rose Falls for Thanksgiving. I would be so pleased if I could meet up with you then and see our little baby again. It was so devastating to lose her right before our trip. Thank you very much, and I hope to hear from you soon.”

I dropped the phone to the empty side of the couch near me. I sank backward against the cushioning as I watched Pepper knead her paws against my thigh. My head and heart felt like they were caught in a vice, slowly tightening with every passing minute.

“Well, I guess you’ll get to go back to where you belong, Pepp,” I said, her name catching in my throat. I lifted her up, holding her against my shoulder, and she wiggled in my hands in the attempt at a hug. She let out a little mew, and I put her back down, and she laid back next to my thigh, stretching out onto her back. My eyes stung at the sides.

“I’ll have to be saying goodbye to you, too,” I said. “You’ve been so good, keeping me company.”

I sat there on the couch, entertaining her with a cat toy until she grew tired of it and snuck away down the hallway. I looked around at the bare walls of my living room, remembering that Devin had promised to help me decorate.

I had always known that I would finally feel at home when I returned to Rose Falls, and in a way, I did.

What I never expected was that I’d feel so completely alone.