Chapter 30

I left work at 5:00 exactly. I had way too much work to be doing that. We had a huge software update rolling out in a week, but I left anyway and beat Ranée home. I didn’t know what to do once I got there. Maybe get dinner ready? Or shower and do my hair? Or…

I texted her, panicked. “When are you getting here?”

“Leaving work in 15 minutes.” So that meant she’d be here in closer to an hour. Great. That should be plenty of time to obsess about what to wear and make myself crazy.

I marched into my bathroom and stared at my reflection. “No,” I told her firmly. “You have to quit freaking out.”

It didn’t work.

I beelined to my closet to figure out what to wear. It had to be something that looked like I’d actually wear it in my house but that was also cute without trying too hard. I settled on a gauzy tank top with a tiny floral print, cuffed jeans, and bare feet. There. I was practically an Anthropologie ad. I flat-ironed my hair and fixed my flaking mascara. Anything more than that would look too heavy-handed.

In between all the primping and closet-wrecking, I kept trying to figure out how I felt about it all. It should freak me out, shouldn’t it, that a guy I’d never met had invited himself to crash at my house with no notice?

But he was coming with my best friend’s brother. I knew Sean and trusted him, and I probably wouldn’t have been fazed if he’d called and said he was bringing some random guy I’d never heard of to crash with him at our place for the weekend. And Jack was by no means random. We’d talked or FaceTimed for hours over the last couple of months.

The fact that he wasn’t random might be the bigger problem. Was I supposed to think this was spontaneous and fun like I would if one of my old college roommates decided to surprise me? Probably, if Jack and I were friends.

That’s not how I felt, though. I felt…I didn’t know how to describe it, but I was dead certain my stomach had never done these gymnastics for any of my friends before.

I texted Jack and said, SEAN IS COMING TO MY HOUSE AND BRINGING COMPANY. WHAT IS GOING ON? But no matter how many times I shook my phone threateningly, it didn’t dislodge any new texts from Jack.

I was in the middle of texting my fifth “HURRY UP” to Ranée from the couch when she walked through the door. I immediately tried to peer around her for company, but she only shut it behind her.

“Just me, myself, and I,” she said, and I slumped back on the couch. “But Sean should be here any minute. And he’s bringing pizza.”

“And that’s it?”

She sat at the other end of the couch. “Em, he’s bringing—”

But right then the doorbell rang as the door opened and Sean poked his head through. “Hey, ladies,” he said. “I brought a friend.”

This was it.

I settled my hands into my lap and drew a calming breath while the truth washed over me. I couldn’t wait to meet Jack. And now I didn’t have to.

My phone vibrated just as Sean crouched down to pick something up. I checked the text to read, “It’s not me. Still in Oregon,” just as Sean backed through the door carrying a dog crate.

It felt like riding a roller coaster all the way to the top, starting the wild downward dive, and having it lurch to a stop mid-plunge. All of my adrenaline had spiked but now it had nowhere to go.

“Ladies, meet my new roommate, Shep.” He opened the gate and an Australian Shepherd puppy scrambled out.

“Sean got a new dog,” Ranée said, getting up to greet her brother with a hug. “I told him you like dogs.”

“Is it okay if he hangs out with me here until Sunday? He’s still so young that I didn’t want to leave him with someone else. But he’s housebroken, I swear.”

“Of course he can stay here. Can I pet him?” I only asked to be polite. Normally I would love to meet a new dog. I adored them, and it wasn’t Shep’s fault that he felt like a bait-and-switch, a consolation prize instead of the person I most wanted to see.

Shep wasn’t a large dog, and I could tell he still needed to grow into his paws a little, but he was more grown than not. He had a beautiful coat with patches of tan and white, but mostly it was gray with splotches of black. He raced over to Ranée and around her feet while she knelt and loved on him. “Oh my gosh, he looks just like Charlie Boy.”

“That was our favorite dog growing up,” Sean explained, grinning at his sister fawning over Shep.

This isn’t the dog’s fault, I told myself. Don’t be a jerk. I mustered a smile. “I can see why. We always had black labs, but I love Australian Shepherds.”

“So you really are cool with us crashing? A second ago you looked—”

I cut him off with a shake of my head. “Just didn’t expect a dog, but you’re both welcome, any time. It’ll be nice to have a dog friend this weekend.”

“So glad.” Another knock sounded at the door, and Sean opened it. “Pizza’s here.”

I didn’t want pizza. I didn’t want to hang out anymore where I could feel Ranée’s eyes studying my face with the intensity she usually reserved for hunting down her premature gray hairs. I summoned a smile and called softly for Shep who gleefully raced over to greet me at the sofa, his nails clacking on the wood floor.

“Hi, boy,” I said, scratching him around his ears.

“Hey, you stole my new boyfriend,” Ranée complained.

“Fair trade since you stole my old one.”

“I did not!” she yelped as Sean made a Scooby-Doo sounding, “Ruh-roh.”

“Fine, you didn’t. But Shep is still my new friend.”

“Oh, I almost forgot,” Sean said. “Jack sent something for you.” He dug a package from his duffel bag and handed it to me. It was flat and rectangular, wrapped in plain brown paper. I opened it and smiled. It was an 8 x 10 framed picture showing a flannel-shirted Jack from behind. He was sitting cross-legged at the edge of a cliff, his man bun on full display. Transcendent Seagull perched next to him, its head tilted thoughtfully as they stared out at a vista.

“Did Jack make you take this?” I asked Sean.

“Yep. What is it with you guys and seagulls?”

“Long story. Hang on. I need you to take a picture of me too.” I walked out to our tiny balcony and set the framed photo on the edge. Then I whipped my hair into a messy bun before I sat cross-legged in front of it and stared at the photo the way Jack and the seagull had stared into the distance. “I think you know what to do, Sean. My phone is on the table.”

He snorted. “Hang on a second.” I heard him rustling behind me, then, “Got it. You guys are so weird.”

I rose and took my phone back, smiling again when I saw the picture within a picture my re-enactment of Jack’s photo had created. “Perfect.” I sent it to Jack.

He responded immediately. Perfect.

Sean shook his head and moved the pizza to the counter and pulled down plates. He’d visited often enough to know where to find everything. We sat and ate, and I fought the urge to yell, “Tell me about Jack!” in between each of his sentences. I did such a good job of resisting that I rewarded myself by eating an extra slice before I excused myself at the earliest possible moment to go sulk in my bedroom.

I’d only been burrowing under my comforter for about five minutes when Ranée knocked and walked in.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“Sure. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Because Jack wasn’t with Sean.”

“I’m a little bummed, but it’s not a big deal.”

“That’s not what your face said when you saw that dog.”

I waved my hand as if brushing away her concerns. “Who can be sad about a cute puppy? It’s all good.”

She flopped onto my bed. “I don’t think so. I think you were more than a little bummed. I’m not here to make you admit it or play I-told-you-so. I just want you to think about something, okay? My grandma told me once that you should make every important decision by playing eenie-meenie-miney-moe.”

“Um, no thank you?”

She rolled her eyes. “I wasn’t finished. She said the moment you realize what you’re getting on ‘moe’ will tell you how you really feel about it.”

“Like that Friends episode where Phoebe tricks Rachel into thinking she’s not pregnant so Rachel can see what she really wants?”

“Exactly. And when Jack didn’t come through that door, I think it told you what you really want.” She stood up and straightened her shirt. “I’m going to go hang out with Sean some more. He says Shep is trained, but I’d keep your closet closed and your best shoes up high.”

She left, and I stared at the door as she shut it behind her. A text buzzed my phone, and I opened it.

Jack. Of course. Did you want it to be me with Sean?

I set my phone down. I couldn’t answer. I wouldn’t lie, but I didn’t want to tell him the truth.

Saturday morning I got up to make breakfast. “Want an omelet?” I asked Sean as he lay on the couch. Shep had been curled up on his chest, but he hopped down and ran to me, his tail wagging.

“If you’re already making one. Thanks.”

“No problem.” Shep did his best to chase my feet around the kitchen, but I was too used to it from my own dogs growing up to mind. Fifteen minutes later I had omelets plated for both of us, and Shep was crunching on the puppy mix Sean set out for him.

“So you and Jack,” he said, causing me to choke on the sip of coffee I’d just taken.

“Excuse me?”

“What’s going on with you two?”

“Nothing. We’re friends. Did he say something different?”

Sean took a drink of his own coffee and eyed me over the rim of his mug. “Not exactly. But I know him well enough to read between the lines. And here’s what I think. Based on what I hear from him, and what I hear from Ranée, you and Jack have spent a lot of time trying to convince yourselves of this friend thing, both of you are failing, and it’s totally obvious to the two other people paying attention, so you should probably figure stuff out.”

I didn’t bother denying it. There was no point. Instead I took a bite of my omelet and refused to meet Sean’s eyes.

“He thinks he’s serving a penance,” Sean said.

He had my full attention. “Who? Jack?”

He nodded. “Yes. We lost a patient that we’d both grown attached to, and everything he’s done since for the last two years has been about him trying to atone for that. But he can’t. We can’t bring her back. And the reality is that it wasn’t his fault. He did everything he could—way beyond what anyone else would have tried—and it didn’t work. But he doesn’t believe it, so he punishes himself.”

Shep finished at his bowl and walked over to plop himself on my feet and rest. Sean nudged him with his foot. “Traitor.” Shep only panted in response.

“That’s so sad.” It was true, but also inadequate to describe the way it made me hurt for Jack. I knew him well enough to know that a loss like that had probably killed him inside.

“It was horrible. That’s why I’ve been so relieved to see how Jack is coming to life. It’s because of you, if you guys can just figure out what Ranée and I already see.”

I traced the rim of my mug for a minute, considering his words. They gave me a different sadness. “There’s nothing to figure out. All I can do is be his friend, be a listening ear now that he’s started talking a little bit.”

“That’s the thing. Jack doesn’t talk to anybody about anything real ever. It’s huge that he’s talking to you. And what’s more, I think you could talk him out of hiding, get him back to the real world.”

“You’re overestimating our connection. He feels valuable at the clinic. He’s not going to leave, and I’m not going to live in the Oregon wilderness. So there you go. Lost cause. Jack and I stay friends. End of story.”

“Jack hates working at the clinic.”

That startled me. “He didn’t sound like he hated it when we talked about it the other night.”

“He does. Trust me. I know him extremely well. He’s there out of a sense of a duty, but what he’s doing, a lot of other doctors could do. What he does in his specialty, it takes guts and genius that exactly one guy has. Jack. He’s talked himself into thinking he’s doing good where he is, but he could be doing even more good if he went back to oncology. I think part of him wants to. But part of him doesn’t think he can tolerate losing another patient. And he would. But he’d save some too. He forgets that because the fight is so lopsided.”

I rose and scraped the remaining half of my omelet into the garbage. I’d lost my appetite. “You seem to think I have some kind of power to save Jack. But when it comes right down to it, we’re social media friends. We’ve never even met. I don’t have the ability to change his mind about anything. And it’s not my job.” I wish it were. The strength of that desire startled me, and made me even sadder to know that it wasn’t and couldn’t be. I wanted to save him, I realized. But it wasn’t my place.

“I get that,” Sean said. “But I think Jack would change his own mind with the right motivation. He was in a massive low place when he came to Oregon, and I think he’s climbed out of it more than he’s realized. He’s restless, but he’s talked himself into believing he’s irreplaceable at the clinic because it’s the easier path right now. The thing is, he was never an easy-road kind of guy before this. It’s just not him. He’ll figure that out eventually. I think, based on the way he tries to ask me casual questions about you, that you’ve reminded him of the wider world.”

“I’m glad I helped, I guess, but what does it say that he didn’t jump at the chance to tag along on this trip here? I don’t have enough influence on him to drag him back to society when he won’t even take a weekend road trip to San Francisco.” That was a big part of the heavy feeling in my chest, I admitted. That he could have come, and he didn’t.

“I didn’t tell him I was coming, Em. You can’t blame him for that. Maybe you can’t drag him into society, but I think you should come to Oregon and drag him out of the cabin. Or the clinic. I’m trying to convince Ranée she’s long overdue for a road trip and when I do, you should come with her. You don’t have to save Jack. But I think it’d be good for him to remember that he used to have a different life, that most of it was really, really good, and that there’s a whole world of people out there that he can gel with besides me.”

I took another sip of coffee while I considered this. “Why do you feel so responsible for him?”

“Because.” He sighed. “Because I think I’m leaving soon. I want to go back to nursing full-time, and that means moving back to a city. I’m the one who connected him with the clinic job. I feel responsible for him.”

“And you’re trying to shift that responsibility to me.” I wasn’t enough, and it was too humiliating to make that point again.

He finished his last bit of omelet and rose to rinse his dish. “I’m making him sound like a head case. He’s not. I think you should come see that for yourself.”

“Sean…” His logic sucked but his heart was in the right place, so I tried to think about how to phrase my next thought gently. I couldn’t come up with anything, so I said it straight. “You’re asking me to be bait, like I’m trying to lure a depressed bear out of his cave or something.”

“What exactly do you think we do in Oregon? We don’t mess with bears.”

“You know what I mean.”

He nodded. “I do. And yes, you’d be the medicine he needs, but more like adrenaline than an antidepressant. He’s ready. He doesn’t see it yet. I’m being selfish and wanting you to go remind him that there’s life beyond that little town. It won’t be hard to find a doctor ready for semi-retirement who can take over his clinic gig. I’d love to see Jack back in the game. He was one of the best in his field. It’s where he belongs.”

“It’s not my job.” I’d never wanted to be anyone’s salvation. That felt like a burden far heavier than my shoulders were meant to carry.

“I’ll back off,” he said. “Sorry.”

I shook my head to indicate he didn’t need to apologize.

“I’m going to walk Shep. Will you tell Ranée to text me when she gets up?”

“Not until she’s had a cup of coffee.”

“Good call. Catch you later, Em.”

Shep did some kind of Australian Shepherd celebration when he saw the leash. It involved prancing and tail shaking, and a happy bark when Sean opened the door to go outside.

A text came in. Jack again. Full disclosure: I wanted it to be me with Sean. Maybe you did too. What do we do about that?

Again, I didn’t answer. Because I didn’t know.