Chapter 38

I pulled into the spot in front of my motel bungalow and parked, resting my head against the back of my seat and closing my eyes, letting the scene I’d just left play on a loop in my mind. I didn’t want to go. But there was no point to staying.

When I’d reached that conclusion for the tenth time, I climbed out of my car to change my flight, shower and pack.

A man got out of the car next to me at the same time. I instinctively tightened my hands around my purse strap before a voice I knew called my name softly, and I looked up to find Sean coming around his car.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. Jack texted me and asked me to check on you, make sure you’re okay.”

I squeezed my eyes for a second before opening them and staring down at my disheveled self. “Just so you know, this isn’t a walk of shame.”

“I know. Jack was very clear that he’s been an idiot. He said you were pretty upset when you left. He wanted to make sure you got back safely, but he didn’t think you’d answer if he called.”

“True enough. I’m fine. I’m going to shower and head to the airport.”

“I checked the flights while I was waiting for you. If you let me take you to breakfast, you can still make the noon flight.”

I hesitated. I just wanted to get home.

He smiled. “I’ll even call Ranée and tell her to pick you up and make her promise not to ask any questions.”

“Deal.”

“Meet me at Annie’s in an hour?”

“Stupid Annie’s.”

He looked startled. “What?”

“Nothing. Yes, I’ll be there in an hour.”

And I was, feeling cleaner and unwrinkled but somehow no better. I slid into the booth he’d claimed. “Omelet,” I said to the waitress, who appeared as soon as I sat. “Whatever the cook likes best. I’ll eat anything. And a large cup of coffee. Very strong coffee.”

“So it didn’t go well?” Sean prompted me.

“No. It really didn’t, but honestly, I’m exhausted. I was up late worrying about him, and I don’t have the energy to rehash it.”

“He told me the whole story, I think.”

“Doubt it,” I said.

“He told you about Clara, that he failed to save her, the tragic loss forced him to confront his own limits, he looked into a bleak future of losing more kids than he saved, and he couldn’t do it anymore, so he ran?”

“Uh, I don’t think he put it quite that dramatically. But basically.”

“I guess I just added my own personal twist to the story, because that’s what it was like for me. I’d been on the floor for two years already when Jack started there. I was in the early stages of burnout, but I didn’t know it yet. We worked together for two years, and we lost patients before Clara. But her loss hit us extra hard. Did he tell you why?”

“Because he tried a highly risky treatment so she could still do gymnastics and he lost the gamble when he could have saved her?”

He nodded, slowly. “And because we knew Clara. Before she ever got sick, I mean. Her mom is a surgeon at the hospital. She and Jack had worked on several cases together. Clara had been coming to see her mom at the hospital since she was five, dropping in with her dad so they could eat together in the hospital cafeteria, coming to play with the patients who weren’t in isolation. We were all crazy about the kid, which is why Jack wouldn’t take the case at first. But Dr. Mendel—Sheila, Clara’s mom—begged him to. Wouldn’t let him refer her out, said she trusted him.”

The waitress returned with my coffee, but I was wide awake now. I took a sip, but I was too riveted by Sean’s story to need the caffeine. “And he finally agreed.”

“Yeah.” Sean scrubbed his hands over his face. “It was a bad idea. She’s a formidable woman, and she pushed Jack hard to try the riskier protocol. I think it’s because as a surgeon, she knew exactly what Clara was in for if they did the more aggressive excision on the affected bone. And I think she truly believed Jack could pull it off.”

“But he didn’t.”

“It wasn’t his fault. No one blamed him when Clara relapsed. She came in for her quarterly screening because she had severe bruising. We all knew that meant the cancer was back, but she’d been clean two months before. None of us expected it to be stage four.” He took a sip of his own coffee and stared through the window for a long minute before turning back to me. “That was my worst day as a nurse. The day you find out that there’s nothing you can do is even worse than the day you lose them, because you know what’s coming.”

It was horrible. I couldn’t imagine it. I stared into my mug and blinked back tired tears. “That’s so hard. No wonder Jack couldn’t keep doing that job.”

“It wasn’t just him. I left first, and when I’d been working for a couple of months here, I started to feel like I could breathe again. I invited him out to spend a week, get re-centered. But instead he got a job. I was the last person who was going to tell him he had to go back to war. So if you’re going to judge him for running, I guess you have to judge me too.”

His voice had acquired a defensive edge, and I met his eyes, then reached over to lightly touch his sleeve. “I don’t judge either of you for leaving. But I’m never going to be enough for him to overcome something like that. I’m not enough to coax him back to life, to leave the safety net he’s found here.”

“I don’t know,” Sean said as the server returned to set a plate in front of each of us. “I’m not so sure that’s true. You want to know why I was in San Francisco last week?”

“To show Ranée your dog?”

He shook his head. “I didn’t tell her because you know how she fixates on stuff, but I had a job interview. I want to get back into nursing, but I want to work for the VA, helping rehabilitate soldiers, maybe apply to physical therapy school.”

My jaw dropped. “Sean. That’s amazing.”

He gave me a shy smile. “Thanks. Eat your omelet. I’ll quit bugging you.”

The cook had made me a Southwestern omelet, and it was excellent. I’d never met a tragedy that could suppress my appetite yet, and when we’d both cleaned our plates, Sean pulled out some cash and set it on the table. “My treat. I won’t keep you anymore. I know you have a flight to catch.”

He walked me out to the rental car and paused before opening the driver’s door for me. “Hey, Em, none of this has ever been my business, but for what it’s worth, I think you should give Jack a little time to come around.”

“He’s had three years. I don’t think I’m the magic bullet that’s going to change things.”

“I never thought I’d want to get back into nursing full-time, but it looks like I can’t shake it. And if I can’t, I don’t think Jack can either. I think it’s just a matter of time.”

I slumped against the car. “I don’t know. I tried to invite him back to real life, and he made it clear that he’d rather keep half-living than to see if we have a shot.”

“You could move here, maybe find a job that you can work remotely.”

I glanced the short distance down Main Street and its hodgepodge of hyphenate businesses then met his eyes again.

He sighed. “You’re right. You belong in San Francisco. Give me a hug and then get out of here.”

I held up my finger. “On one condition. Stop meddling. No more talking about Jack, even if you move to San Francisco and you’re living on our couch indefinitely.”

“Agreed.” He hauled me in for a hug, and then I got in and drove away, letting Featherton become a green smudge in my rearview mirror.