CHAPTER 28
Kyle
There was a time months ago… just before we took Mayhem’s Mission down… that I thought the president, Zeke Powell, was on to me. He looked at me a little different and, with that sneaking suspicion I had, I braced myself for imminent death. If Zeke thought in any way that I could have possibly betrayed him and his club, he would have put a bullet right between my eyes.
So there was a period of weeks where I waited for it, trying to act like nothing was wrong and yet completely resolved that I was going to die. It was a wretched feeling mainly because at that point, I wasn’t in control of my own destiny.
It’s how I feel right now.
All I can do is tell Jane the things I’d been keeping from her, and then it’s out of my hands. She’ll either tell me to go to hell, which would be the ultimate death for me and a far worse fate than Zeke could ever bestow, or she’ll forgive me, which will at least keep that spark of hope alive that Andrea planted in me three days ago.
Luckily, that spark hasn’t diminished in the three days it’s taken me to get to her. With promises to Andrea that I would come back soon, I left the day after our talk and headed to Misty Harbor via plane. I had two layovers. The last leg was on a small prop plane, but it was the quickest way there.
I was completely stunned to find her little house empty and abandoned with a “For Rent” sign placed at the end of the driveway. My immediate fear was that something bad had happened to Jane. Without another thought, I jumped into the rental car and drove the three hundred yards to her parents’ house on Front Street because it was faster than running. I know I scared the shit out of Meredith and Allen when I banged furiously on their door, but I was immediately settled and relieved when Meredith smiled big at me the minute she saw me.
“I knew you’d come back for her,” she said, beaming at me proudly as she opened the door wide and invited me in. She clearly had known something I had not.
I went in gladly and was prepared to do whatever sucking up I had to do with her parents so that I could find out where she was. Turns out, I didn’t have to do much. I only had to tell them the truth of who I was, what I’d done, and what I wanted with their daughter. They accepted my intentions at face value, and, for reasons I cannot even begin to fathom, they put their trust in me that I could make Jane happy.
I received their blessing along with Jane’s new home and work address in Boston. It was too late by this time to make the trip, and they kindly invited me to stay in their guest room. While I very much like her parents and felt comfortable enough with them, that was just a little too awkward for my liking. I declined, instead choosing to get a room at the one and only motel in the area, The Misty Slumber Inn.
I took off before the sun was up the next morning and was parking my rental car a few blocks away from the coffee house where her parents said she worked by ten-thirty. I didn’t approach her though, as I knew we’d need privacy to talk. So I just waited it out, watched her walk home from work, and made my move.
She stands before me, looking as confused as I am terrified, and more beautiful than I could have ever remembered. Doesn’t matter she’s wearing some funky-looking leggings that are electric blue with big, yellow saxophones over them or a threadbare New England Patriots t-shirt. She is simply the most gorgeous creature I’ve ever known, and there is no other for me. There was a time I didn’t believe I deserved her, but I’m tired of that way of thinking. Tired of living my life without happiness, hope, and ambition for my future.
“Will you give me some time?” I ask her softly. “Just to talk.”
My heart skips a mad beat when I see her actually stiffen up at my suggestion, but then, just as quickly, she lets out a long breath. I’m not surprised when she looks to Miranda. I can see the questions written all over her face as she silently communicates with her best friend.
Should I listen?
Will he hurt me?
Is this even real?
Why should I trust him?
Miranda gives her an encouraging smile before she says, “Listen… I’m going to head into work a bit early and grab a bite to eat there. Let you two have some privacy.”
Jane and I both watch in silent acceptance as Miranda grabs her coat from a hook by the door and scampers out, leaving us very much alone and facing off from opposite corners.
With an awkward gesture toward the couch, Jane says, “Do you want to sit down?”
It’s a legitimate offer considering this will be a very serious discussion that could take a while, but I don’t think I can even wait the few seconds it would take us both to get situated. So instead, I walk right up to her, putting my hands on her shoulders and tipping my face down to hers, so she’s looking me dead in the eye. “I am so sorry for deceiving you, leading you on, and taking advantage of you. I should have told you the truth from the very beginning.”
To my surprise, Jane shakes her head. “No, Miranda’s right. You had to keep those secrets. You were in hiding and didn’t know me well enough to trust me with that.”
My grip tightens on her shoulders slightly, not because I’m afraid she’ll pull away but because I want her to understand how serious I am about this. “But I did know you, Jane. From the first moment you left me your horrible muffins on my doorstep, I knew exactly who you were. I knew you were sweet, and kind, and persistent. You kept after what you wanted, and I’m just hoping you’ll remember… there was a time you wanted me. A time you wouldn’t give up.”
“Kyle,” she says on a shaky breath as her eyes soften.
“But first,” I say cautiously, because this is really where I’m putting everything on the line. “I have to tell you everything about me.”
Jane’s eyebrows furrow. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, I have to tell you some bad stuff about me,” I tell her. The one thing I know for sure is that I can’t hold anything back with Jane from now on.
She gives me a tiny smile as if she knows something I don’t. “Oh, I know about you being undercover. You had to play the part to get into the motorcycle club. Agent Kizner told me all about it.”
“No, Jane,” I say a roughly. “It wasn’t a part. It wasn’t an act. I did despicable things of my own free will.”
“I’m sure—” she starts to say, but I just can’t have her taking my goodness at face value. For her to accept I’m good, she has to understand the depths from which I’ve climbed back up.
“The first bad thing I did,” I tell her without any preamble, “was sell heroin to a pregnant woman. No clue how many months, but she was huge. Probably close to giving birth.”
Jane’s eyes go round, and she blinks at me in astonishment.
“But that wasn’t enough to develop the type of trust I needed to get into the club,” I continue before she can stop me. “That night I woke up beside you… bad dream and all, it was about this man I beat nearly to death. In fact, I might have killed him. I’m not sure. But I did it while his wife and little boy watched.”
Jane makes a small sound of distress. I hold onto her tighter, so she won’t run away until I can make sure she understands I had absolutely no boundaries I wouldn’t cross to get my job done. My voice cracks when I tell her the most brutal truth of all. “Jane… I would have done anything that I was told to do by that club. Think of the vilest thing you can imagine, and I’m telling you, baby… I did it. I did it all.”
Jane doesn’t respond for a moment, still staring at me with owl-like eyes and just blinking. I look at her, trying to read into her expression, wondering if she’s so disgusted she literally can’t say anything.
Then she surprises me when she puts her palms to my cheeks and says, “You did a job to save people. I don’t need to know the details, but if you want to unburden yourself, I’ll gladly take them. But all I really need to know, Kyle, is that you did something for the greater good. You did something that you believed in with such passion that you gave up your entire life to see it through. Now, you may be mired in guilt and maybe you’re feeling the need for penance or something, but you’re not going to get that from me. Just like you said you know who I am… well, I know who you are too. You are a good man. You’re the best kind of man, really.”
My body reacts so quickly that I’m not even sure what I’m really doing. Before I know it, I’ve snatched Jane to me and I’m wrapping my arms tightly around her as relief courses through me. Relief that she doesn’t despise me for my transgressions.
“Kyle,” Jane says softly, and I pull my face back so I can look at her. “I’ve talked to Joe a lot since that night you left. He told me stuff about your undercover operation. Why you volunteered, the risks you took, and how your life was in danger every single day.”
I shrug because none of that will ever assuage the guilt I have for the things I did.
“He told me about Maggie,” Jane says softly, and the air in my lungs freezes. “You saved her.”
I bow my head and close my eyes, thankful for that one bright shining spot in everything. I had indeed saved her. After over three years of doing despicable things to maintain my cover, I risked it all to get one single female out of the clutches of that club, knowing it could mean my death.
“You saved her,” Jane repeats.
“Saving one doesn’t absolve—”
“You saved hundreds,” Jane interrupts me. “Hundreds of women from being sold into slavery. Hundreds of men, women, and children who won’t die by illegal guns. Hundreds of lives saved by taking a drug supply line out of commission. You did one of the bravest acts you could for your fellow citizens. Laid your own life on the line. Gave up all your dreams to make better lives for others. I don’t believe there’s a tit-for-tat type of system out there. No, ‘I did this one bad thing so I need to at least save this many lives.’ It doesn’t work like that.”
“Then how does it work?” I ask, my voice clogging with emotion.
“It works when you realize that once you forgive yourself, you can start to move on with the rest of your life,” she whispers before stepping into me and laying her cheek on my chest. I know she can hear the thundering of my heart, yet I can’t will it to calm down.
“You always find the good in people,” I murmur as I wrap my arms around her, lifting her from the floor.
“I’m glad you came after me,” she says quietly. “I missed you so much.”
“I’m not even sure I deserve you,” I mutter, more to myself as I’m still a little confused that she’s accepting me back, which makes me ask as I loosen my hold so I can look at her. “Why? Why are you standing here letting me hold you?”
She doesn’t answer, just turns the tables quickly on me. “Why did you come track me down?”
The answer is absolutely crystal clear. “Because I love you.”
“Yes,” she agrees softly with a smile. “Because I love you.”
My fucking heart swells and expands, ripples with warmth, and I feel unbelievably light in my soul. Joy radiates through me, and it feels like a rebirth.
I feel new.
I feel immensely grateful for every possibility before me right now.
“I’m going to do this right,” I promise her as I let her slide down until her feet touch the floor.
“How so?” she murmurs.
I hook her by the back of the neck with my hand and give a slight squeeze of possession. “I am going to make you feel like the most precious thing in the world every day for the rest of your life, because what you’re giving me is beyond precious. You’ve given me another chance, and I’m never going to forget the value of that. Every day, I’m going to earn your love. Every fucking day for the rest of my life, I’m going to give you the very best I have to offer this world. It will all be for you.”
Jane lets out a quavering breath. “God, that was poetic, and I’m completely turned on.”
“I’m serious, Jane,” I say, giving her another squeeze. I know what I just said to her was really intense, but fuck… my feelings are really intense, and I need to get them out there. I also know she’s trying to make light of it so I don’t feel awkward, but fuck the awkward.
“Jane,” I say as I lower my face toward hers. “Tell me you get everything I just said to you and you know it’s from the bottom of my heart.”
Her eyes get shiny. I feel like shit because I didn’t want to make her cry, but then she smiles at me so brightly that I’m almost blinded. “I’m never going to forget a single word of what you just said because it was the most beautiful thing in the world.”
My lips find her in a searching kiss, both of us seeking to validate our words and our emotions now with touch and physical intimacy. My body comes alive at what this means as I kiss her more deeply.
Jane’s hands slide up my chest, and she gives a slight push that breaks our kiss. She gives a quick lick to her lower lip, which is sexy as hell, before she asks, “Are you going to move here to Boston?”
“I’ll move anywhere in the world you want to,” I assure her. “I quit the ATF, so I’m extremely mobile.”
“What about Misty Harbor?” she asks tentatively.
“They still need a light keeper?” I ask with a grin.
“Quite possibly,” she says with a laugh.
“Then Misty Harbor it is,” I tell her, the decision absolutely made.
But first…
I sweep Jane up into my arms and turn toward the hallway that I’m assuming leads to a bed. We have other things to do right now.