Chapter 21
River
I exhaled again as my eyes landed on the Christmas tree through the glass windows of my office. I was surrounded by holiday cheer. It was like Santa vomited Christmas all over our building. The team had decided to have a cubicle decorating contest, which any other time would’ve been amusing to me but this year every single icicle made my chest tighten to the point I could hardly breathe. I felt like Christmas was choking me.
I swallowed again, trying to concentrate on the advertisement in front of me. My eyes blurred, and Adam’s face came to mind, his hand wrapped around Tara’s under the table. I smirked to myself as my eyes focused on the picture of Bobby, Adam and I sitting on my desk. A knock on the door ripped me from my thoughts.
“Hey, Boss Lady,” Adam said from the doorway, and I saw Charlie lean around her cubicle with her eyes wide.
“Adam Beckerson,” she mouthed.
I rolled my eyes and smiled up at him.
“I wasn’t expecting you,” I replied, standing and hugging him. “Shouldn’t you be heading back on the road for your next tour stop?”
He looked down at his feet and then cleared his throat. “We’re taking a pause.”
“You’re what?” I asked, unable to hide the surprise in my voice. My hands tightened into fists. I didn’t want him to pause anything for me. He’d paused his whole life for me, apparently.
His eyes came up to mine. “The tour only has a handful of stops left. We’re dropping off so that we can work on our full-length…and it’s a hard time of year.”
I looked at the fake snow overflowing from Mark’s cubicle and nodded. I wanted to say I understood, but nothing would come out. My throat seemed to have closed up.
“Sometimes he comes to me,” Adam said, and I could hear my pulse rushing in my ears as I sat back down. “In my dreams. I guess it could just be my imagination, but it feels like him, you know?”
“Yeah,” I replied, tears pricking in the corner of my eyes. “I’m glad Bobby can finally reach you.”
Adam’s brow furrowed, and I looked down, picking at the edges of my notebook, curled at the edges. I lifted my head, smiling.
“He’s been coming to me for a while,” I said, my shoulders lifting. “West says he’s my guardian angel.”
Adam chuckled. “I kind of think West’s your guardian angel.”
“And Tara’s yours.”
Adam’s jaw dropped in the slightest as he stared at me. He tried to shake his head, and I raised an eyebrow.
“It’s that obvious?” he asked.
“Tara alluded to it when I tried to apologize the first time,” I replied.
He shook his head. “The first time?”
I ran my teeth over my lower lip. “Right before Tara left the firm. I called to talk to her…and she basically said she was doing what I wasn’t.”
“Doing?” His voice pitched with amusement.
I put my hands up, my face burning. “Not like that. Just that she was taking care of you.”
Adam cocked his head, covering his smirk with his fingers.
“Oh, God, no!” I said, putting my head in hands. “Just that she was making sure you were okay.”
“You should just stop now,” Adam replied, laughing.
“Yeah, I walked into that,” I said, and my hands tingled.
“This is nice.” He leaned forward. “You’re okay with whatever is going on with Tara and me?”
His eyes rushed over my face.
“Yeah, but are you?” I asked.
Adam craned his neck, blowing his cheeks out. “I don’t know. It’s not right. I shouldn’t feel like this.”
“You shouldn’t feel guilty,” I replied, standing and going to lean on the front of my desk. “Bobby would want you two to be happy.”
“Together?”
I swallowed as heat rushed to my face. I could feel Bobby’s lips on mine and my hands in his hair. I shook the thought from my mind. “You said it. Even if he were here, I don’t think things would be like they were. Things weren’t meant to be the way they were.”
My mind moved to that night. The dress. The box in Adam’s hand. My jaw clenched.
“Yeah,” Adam said, and his eyes were far away. I wondered if he was thinking about the same thing. “I can’t believe it was almost a year ago.”
I nodded, my stomach knotting. “Me neither. I kind of want to set this place on fire with all its happy holiday shit.”
Adam chuckled, looking over his shoulder where Charlie was still staring. “Yeah. It doesn’t help it’s like an aquarium in here…and you’re the shark.”
My head jerked back. “Shark? My employees love me.”
“I think they love me,” he replied with a raised eyebrow.
I tilted my head towards Charlie, who went back to typing furiously on her computer. It was more like slamming her fingers against keys aimlessly.
“Charlie’s a big fan. I’m sure she’d love to meet you…get the famous dude’s signature,” I said, and Adam stood.
“I think I can do that.”
I handed him a pen from my desk. “You’ll need that.”
“Do they stare at West?” Adam asked as we headed towards the cubes.
“They’ve gotten used to him,” I replied just as West walked through the door. Amber sat back in her chair, eyes following him. “Well, some of them.”
Adam laughed as we stopped at Charlie’s cube. “I hear you’re a fan?”
Her mouth opened and closed, but no words came out. She fumbled in her desk for a CD and then held it out.
“It’s Charlie, right?” Adam asked, and she nodded almost as fast as her fake typing.
West pulled me into his arms. “Hey.”
“Hi,” I said, leaning up and kissing him.
He pulled away to greet Adam. “How you doing, man?”
“Good, I was just about to stop over for my next tat.”
West looked at his watch. “You’re twenty minutes late. I figured you might’ve stopped here.”
“Guilty,” Adam said, and I watched as Charlie looked between the two of them.
Charlie finally found her voice. “How do you know all these famous people?”
“Childhood friend,” Adam replied, and Charlie narrowed her eyes at me.
“Couldn’t find time to tell me that?” she asked.
“Would’ve been awkward,” I said, pursing my lips as I put my palms towards the ceiling.
“And you know West?” Charlie asked, looking at Adam.
He pointed towards his arm, covered in tattoos and she nodded.
She sighed a little, and she cleared her throat as she realized what she did. I pulled my lips into my mouth as I tried not to laugh.
“Right,” she mumbled.
Adam winked at her, and she practically fell over in her chair.
“You two should probably go before you give my employees heart attacks,” I said, looking over my shoulder at Amber who was staring at West’s ass. I narrowed my eyes at her, and she jerked back in her seat before turning and staring at her computer screen.
“I did have a reason for coming,” Adam said, and his throat moved up and down. I cocked my head. “Uh… what are you doing for Christmas?”
The question caught me off guard, and my eyes blurred.
Bobby and Adam’s eggnog toast.
Waking up to Tara and him on the couch.
His legs hanging over the edge.
The Christmas tree.
“Riv?” West’s hand slipped into mine and squeezed, bringing me back.
I swallowed hard, but the lump in my throat didn’t want to go down. Adam came into focus, and his features strained. It was a hard question for him, too.
“I hadn’t thought about it. We’re going to West’s parents on Christmas Eve in Long Island,” I finally replied, and my voice was as breathless as I felt.
Adam nodded.
“Why don’t you and Tara join us?” West asked, and my head jerked to look at him. He lowered his eyes to mine, his hand moving up to my face. “Neutral ground will be good for everyone. Why don’t we invite Alec and Vickie, too? My parents have more than enough room. You can even invite your parents.”
My pulse rushed in my ears as the air filled my lungs and I looked over at Adam. His lips tilted up.
“You’re a good man,” he said to West.
“I try to be.”
Adam clapped him on the shoulder, and then gave in, pulling him into a guy hug.
“You’re a good man,” he said again, more to himself than to us.
~~~
Awkward.
That’s what the two-hour ride on the ferry was. A part of me didn’t think that Adam’s parents would go for this, let alone mine, but there we are sitting in my Civic with Adam and Alec in the back seat. My parents carpooled with Vickie, and Tara decided to spend the day with her parents.
I sunk deeper down in my seat. Thank God for that. I didn’t think we could spend that much time together in such a confined space, let alone at my boyfriend’s parents house without killing each other. I glanced in the mirror to see Adam staring out the window while Alec looked at his hands. What Adam forgot to tell me was the fact he’d hardly spoken to his dad, and still hadn’t talked to his mom.
West reached over and squeezed my hand. He cleared his throat.
“I hope you’re hungry. My mom always cooks way too much, and Mags makes the most amazing desserts. She missed her calling as a pastry chef.”
I turned in my seat, looking between Adam and Alec. Just like when it was Bobby and Alec, the differences were staggering. Alec’s head was pretty much to the ceiling, even though slouched, while Adam was at least a head shorter.
I forced a smile. “Best eclairs I’ve ever tasted, and she makes this amazing maple pecan pie.”
“Maple pecan pie?” Alec asked, his eyes wide. “I haven’t had good pie in a long time.”
Silence fell over us. Bobby loved pie.
I pulled my lips into my mouth. “We should all have an extra piece for Bobby.”
Adam raised his eyebrows. “Where are you going to put an extra piece of pie?”
I nodded over at West. “West will have it for me.”
West chuckled. “I’d never say no to a second serving of pie, especially for such a good reason.”
“As if you ever need a good reason.” I leaned over and kissed his cheek. He winked at me, and butterflies that shouldn’t exist after so long erupt, flying around my heart and making it hum.
My eyes moved to the back seat, and Adam was looking out the window again with his thumbnail in his mouth. I wondered if West and I together bugged him. He caught me looking and gave me a weak smile that made my stomach sink. It probably did. I chewed my lip and watched as Adam’s eyes moved down to his tattoo sleeve, showing since he had the sleeves of his plaid button-up rolled. His eyes narrowed before they came up to look at West’s arm leaning against the armrest. His tattoos were also showing since his sweater was pushed up to his elbows.
Adam cleared his throat. “How did your mom take the whole tattoo artist thing?”
“I didn’t give her an option to take it for anything other than it is. She needs to respect West and our decisions if she wants us around. She doesn’t have to agree with them,” I replied, and Adam swallowed hard.
“Seems like it was a lot easier this time around,” Adam said, more to himself than me as his eyes flicked to the rearview mirror where, no doubt, he could see my parents’ car.
Alec squeezed his shoulder. “Has nothing to do with it being you, Adam.”
“He’s right. I’ve just learned to handle my mom differently,” I replied, my shoulders lifting. “It took a lot to get us in the same room.”
Adam sighed. “I understand that. I wish I could get my mom to respect me and my decisions.”
“You’re giving her a chance, that’s a start,” Alec said.
Adam’s eyes met mine, and Vickie’s bitter words echoed in my ears.
“She’s lucky you’re giving her a chance,” I replied before I could stop myself. West squeezed my hand, and shook his head at me slightly. It was a movement I doubted anyone else in the car picked up. It wasn’t my place. I gritted my teeth. “I’m sure she’s happy.”
“We’ll see,” Adam said as the boat geared even further down. We were nearing the shore.
Adam tapped his hands against his jeans. “Maybe next week you can come to my storage place.”
“Storage place?” I asked, turning to face him.
He looked down as he nodded. “No reason to rent an apartment when you’re on the road, but I’ve accumulated a lot of stuff as an adult…and I kept the stuff you left.”
My eyelashes brushed my cheeks as I blinked too fast. The images roll behind my lids.
Adam in his suit.
The dress sparkling as he closed the door so I could see it.
The way he lifted me into his arms to avoid the puddle.
Then the phone call.
The doctor’s words on his lips that I never really heard.
West’s hand tensed on my leg, bringing me back to the moment.
“Right. I forgot about that stuff,” I replied.
That stuff included the dress.
Adam flattened a crease in the roll of his sleeve. “You could come and take what you want, throw away what you don’t. I didn’t feel it was my place to throw it out.”
West’s body tensed next to mine, and I looked over to see him staring straight ahead with his hand on the steering wheel turning white from squeezing so hard. I weaved our fingers together.
Keeping an ex’s things meant one thing. You thought there was the potential for them to come back. My body heated uncomfortably, and I rolled down the window as I looked out it.
Find me.
That’s what I’d written, but Adam hadn’t tried to do that as far as I knew. But he kept my things.
So maybe finding me was always a part of the plan, except I’d come to him.
And now he was giving my things back.
“It’s a wonder Tara didn’t burn it all,” West said, his voice tense even though he chuckled.
Adam scoffed. “That’s because she doesn’t know about it.”
West’s eyes flicked to mine, and the pain crossed over his face before he could contain it. I shook my head, trying to reassure him. I wanted to lean over and whisper in his ear; to kiss him and tell him it didn’t matter he hadn’t said to her.
That none of it mattered.
My chest filled with weight and my eyes moved to the mirror again, where I could see Adam looking at his phone smiling.
Adam had seen me with plenty of other guys in the past.
Screw it.
I leaned over and whispered in West’s ear, “Love you.”
Goosebumps raced up his neck, and he turned the ignition of the car on.
“Love you, too,” he replied, loud enough for everyone in the car to hear. I watched as he adjusted the mirror, eyes locking on Adam before he put the car in gear.
Adam nodded.
Message received.
He didn’t seem to care.
My stomach fluttered, and I put my arms over my stomach to try to settle the feeling. Adam shouldn’t care, and I shouldn’t care that he didn’t. My head pounded, and I rested it against the cold glass as the streets of Long Island flew passed. I closed my eyes. It was as if the past me was having trouble coming to terms with the current me; the me I actually liked.
I’d chosen this, though. I’d wanted to try to work things out so we could all be friends. West was on board, but suddenly I wasn’t sure it was such a good idea. We drove in silence to the house, and once inside, Adam and our families were swept into the warmness that was West’s. I hung back as they moved into the crowded living area.
“You okay?” West asked as he took my jacket.
I pulled my lower lip through my mouth as he stepped forward and took my face in his hands.
“I feel like I’m on a roller coaster,” I replied, and he kissed my forehead.
“No one said this would be easy.”
I looked over to where Adam was standing next to his dad, nodding to something his mom was saying. They were in the same room and not killing one another. That was a start.
“I just wonder if we’re doing the right thing.”
West tilted my chin up. “You’ll figure it out.”
“So you don’t know if being friends with Adam again is the right thing, either?” I asked as my pulse rushed in my ears, hammering into my head.
“It’s the right thing.” West’s thumb ran over my lower lip. “It’s also weird as all hell.”
We both laughed, and I leaned into his arms, relishing their warmth.
“I’m sure of some things but not others,” I replied.
West’s voice was muffled by my hair. “Which things?”
“I’m certain I love you,” I said, looking up at him. “But I have no clue why Adam’s lack of reaction to that makes me feel like puking.”
“Because it makes you wonder if he really ever loved you.”