~Leslie~
“That’s not okay with me.”
Blake said it with finality and certainty.
Who did that? Who responded to a breakup by saying “that’s not okay with me”?
Blake did, apparently.
“You don’t understand,” she said to him, looking to make sure that none of the family was listening as they made their way out of the hospital. “I can’t do this, Blake. We just… we can’t be together.”
“Why?” he asked. “What’s changed between an hour ago and right now?”
She didn’t want to get into it, into the whole sordid history, the past, all that she was remembering –
“Blake…”
“No,” he said, steering her around towards the waiting room, all emptied out now. “We need to talk about this. I want to know what you’re thinking.”
Maybe it would be best to do it this way, then, she reasoned with herself. Rip off the band aid quickly and thoroughly instead of picking at it. She’d been picking at this band aid for years, hadn’t she?
No. She’d put it out of her mind and tried to put it out of her heart. It hadn’t been possible, though. Then, she’d come home and –
“I love you,” Blake said, sitting across from her, his hands holding hers, his eyes intense. “I love you, and I want to be with you for the rest of my life.”
She believed that. But the past…
She was just going to say it. She probably should have said it years ago, but she’d been too hurt to manage it.
It was time to grow up.
“You told everyone that I slept with you,” she said.
His eyes widened at this. “I did what now?”
She was going to have to repeat it, wasn’t she? Maybe if she got more specific.
“You told your buddies that you could get me to put out,” she said. “And then, you told them that you did.”
“Buddies?” he asked, confused. “Are you talking about Jordan? Or Travis? Pastor John?”
What?
“What are you talking about?” she asked, horrified by the very thought of him saying anything about her sex life (or lack thereof) to her brother. And her pastor. As if.
“They’re my friends,” he said. “Though I can assure you that I’ve never told them that you would, as you so crassly said, put out.” He frowned.
“Crassly?” she retorted. “Those were the words that Chase used.”
“Chase?” he asked, still looking confused. Then, realization washed over his face. “Chase. Oh, good grief. Are you talking about –”
“High school,” she finished for him. “Yeah, Blake. Sorry to dredge up old history, but you and me… old history.”
“Chase told you that?” he asked. “That I said I slept with you?”
“Yes,” she said, remembering the words.
“I never said that,” he said. “Back before we dated, I probably did say something stupid about how I could get you in bed –”
“Exactly,” Leslie said, as if this proved her point.
“But that was before I came to Christ,” he said. “Just a stupid, boastful claim. And I swear to you, I never told any of those fools anything about our relationship.”
Wait…
Leslie wasn’t sure if she could believe this. It would explain a lot, but…
“But you broke up with me after you got what you wanted,” she insisted.
“What I wanted?” he asked, confused. “Which was?”
“For all your buddies to think that you made good on your claim,” she said.
“But we never slept together,” he said defensively. “And I didn’t tell those idiots anything. Of all that I did wrong, I did that right. God changed my heart when you came along. All of that was real.”
It had been. She’d known the change in him was real even in her own immaturity. She’d even found herself questioning the depth of her own faith in light of his in those days. He’d been growing, and she’d wondered more than once if she believed as fervently as he did.
She knew she did now. And she looked back at their past mistakes and the way they were living contrary to what God was calling them to as their immaturity and their inability to rightly handle temptation.
“I know it was real,” she told him. “And it wasn’t about what we did or didn’t do.”
“Well, that played into it, Leslie,” he said passionately. “We do have to answer for the mistakes we made.”
“We do,” she said. “But it’s not the mistakes themselves. It’s what I felt. And I might not have slept with you, but I would’ve if you’d wanted to. I would’ve done anything for you, right or wrong.”
Because she’d loved him. It didn’t justify what she would have done, but it was still the truth.
“And I would’ve stayed here and not gone to college,” she continued on, remembering those days. “Just to be with you. But you didn’t want me.”
He took a deep breath. “I didn’t want to be…” He closed his eyes, then opened them. “Leslie, I didn’t want to be like my dad. And I heard you say that I didn’t have a plan, that I had no plan for my life –”
“But you didn’t!” she insisted. She could remember that about him, about how he’d been so cavalier about the future.
Looking at him now, though, she wondered.
Had she shortchanged him? Had she really known him?
“I did,” he said sadly. “My plan was to go to college. With you. I was going to marry you, Leslie.”
Oh, the very thought. He’d had a plan. He’d been far more mature and understanding than she’d been, until she’d hurt him, until she’d –
“You heard me say all those things?” she asked. “Is that why you broke up with me?”
He squeezed her hands tighter. “That,” he said, “and a lot of other things. I was in a bad place, Leslie. I’ve told you about my dad. It got much worse, and… it was just bad.”
She hadn’t known. How could she have been better for him when she hadn’t known?
“I didn’t know,” she said weakly, feeling the tears gather in her eyes.
“I know that now,” he said. “And I know that things are different. And that you really didn’t mean the things you said.”
“Blake,” she said softly. “I never meant that you were below me. That I was too good for you. Maybe I thought it about the town, about life here, maybe for a while… but you were different. I never thought that about you. Ever.”
“Why couldn’t you imagine me going away to college with you?” he asked, a wounded note in his voice.
Had that really been an option? Had he really been planning on marriage, a real future? She wouldn’t have imagined it so back then because he’d never seemed interested in doing anything apart from being in their small town, loving her…
“Would you have done that?” she asked, sadness in her voice for all the years they’d missed.
“Would you have been glad if I did?”
So much so. But maybe it wouldn’t have been the right time. Because she was who she was now, and he was who he was, and maybe all the misunderstanding and the hurt had been allowed to bring them to who they were now and right where they were.
“It was good that it didn’t work out then,” Blake said, echoing her thoughts. “Because it set some other things in motion. With Pastor John, with your brother… with where I am today.”
She couldn’t imagine what he meant.
“What?”
“I’ll tell you about it some day,” he said softly, smiling. Then, as a more serious expression crossed his features, “If we have more days. Can you give us another chance? Can we move on from the past and know each other now?”
Could they? Could she? Could the two of them really get over the past, talk it all out, and move on?
She wasn’t sure.
But she hoped they could.
There’s always hope. Hadn’t he said that a long time ago about far more important things?
“I think so, Blake,” she said, praying that hope was enough. “I think so.”