Chapter One
Jenny
I walk up the steps to my one-bedroom apartment and I am dead on my feet. It’s just after midnight and I left skin exhausted. I hate days when I work at both my jobs, but building clientele is rough and it takes time and patience, so like it or not I need to keep working full time at Skin.
I hear the text come through like clockwork and smile. Before I can get my door locked I hear the alert to another text.
I drop my keys and purse on the floor swiping the screen of my phone seeing my text.
Noah: You home okay?
He sends this every night that I work at Skin and I respond letting him know I made it safe as I kick my shoes off and sigh.
The second message comes like clockwork too every night, but it is full of sexual tension, unanswered questions and heartache... for me anyway.
Cal: Hey Red, you get home okay?
I know he asks out of general concern and some sort of meek obligation. I am the mother of his child and lately I have been the rock he breaks himself against to ensure he still feels. He knows I love him, but he can’t possibly understand the depth of that love. I have loved every version of Cal Dorian for most my life. Since Jr High it has been him, and for him it was anyone and everyone. I loved that boy and it morphed and changed before he found his success as the Lead guitarist of Thick as Thieves. That love destroyed me... and as he found his fame and success in the nation’s number one band, I found myself alone and pregnant in the pits of hell that only worked to draw me deeper.
In it all I loved him, when he hated me for the neglect our son experienced as I worked nonstop knowing he needed care. For the night our son was exposed to the ugly things in life and for the times he saw me as that loser Jenny Pope.
Me: Yes, thank you for checking. Goodnight
That was all it ever was. He never texted to ask about my night and I never asked about his. We were so fragile, even at our strongest. Because of that, I didn’t cross the boundaries we had made silently. The last time I did, was over a year ago and it cost me dearly in the end.
I learned that night I couldn’t be anything casual with Cal.
I slipped out of my work clothes and stood beneath the spray washing off the nights memories. I wasn’t one of the dancers that Skin employed, but the men never hesitated to push the envelope with a cocktail waitress and too many hands touched me tonight.
When I started working there when I was just twenty-one, I allowed the behavior. For years I would push that same envelope and it was always about the hustle. I would hustle every cent I could when I danced and when I became a server. I would work multiple doubles and spend my days off on tour busses and partying.
Now though, hell I don’t even recognize who I was.
I think that’s a good thing, it isn’t like I could forget. I am weighed down by that guilt every day. It is why I continue to let Cal use me, to buffer his hate against me. He isn’t cruel or unkind, but he pushes even my limitations, and with him there are very few.
I close my eyes against the onslaught of memories as they flash through my mind. His hands and teeth all over me, every inch of my skin covered in his skin and it has ruined any innocence I could have still held on to.
I shut the water off and step from the shower, wishing I could wash his memory away. I see my phone flashing another text message alert and I know it is my third and final check in for the night, and he will want to text me.
CD: Hey babe, how was work? Are you ready to let me take care of you forever?
CD works at the PIT. He is one of the newer tattooist that Sully and Noah brought on over the summer. He is from Barking and Dagenham, a borough of London and ohmigawd he is sexy. He has a blue mohawk and green eyes, lip piercings and tattoos. He is everything I would want, even without the sexy accent.
I should want to attack him and sometimes I do, but his name stops me. Cal is engrained in everything I think and see and the name CD is like a bucket of ice water.
Me: Hey Hun... Work was ok. I made good tips and so sadly I have to deny that gracious offer of support LOL
His response was immediate.
CD: Jen, when will you bloody realize I am crazy for you?
I try to picture us together and it is easy at first. I see us going to movies and concerts and laughing like we always do. But, like always the minute I try to picture being in bed with him it gets destroyed by the image of Cal fucking me senseless on his covered porch last Christmas.
I want to scrub my eyes and my memory of that night. That was the night I let him in and told him I loved him. It was Christmas and he was still freshly screwed over and destroyed by Tayla.
It was also the night he said he wanted me in his life and asked me to be patient so he could figure it all out. He didn’t want to lead me on, but was clear he wanted to see what would happen...
I was overjoyed and couldn’t have written a more perfect story of us to tell Axe one day, to prove happy endings were real.
But, as the days turned to weeks, and weeks to months I was forced to watch the Tayla and Cal show. I had to force myself to move on when it became too much.
So, I gave CD my number when he asked. I listened to both Noah and Sully tell me how amazing he was. It felt like they might have had a man crush on him. Once I saw CD though, I got it.
Now here I was. Twenty-six and single trying to make a name for myself in the PIT world as the piercing and branding specialist while crying myself to sleep every night wishing for shit I could never have.
Me: I know you're crazy that’s for sure
Before he could respond I hear a knock on my door and take the phone with me so that when CD texts I will open the door and save him the trouble. This is his new routine and though I like his effort and hanging with him, I am scared he will end up hurt chasing someone who is unavailable.
But, as I open the door it isn’t CD I see. No, it’s Cal and he looks stressed and worried and mad as hell.
Cal
I wait for that damn text she sends me every night and after twenty minutes I call Skin and her supervisor tells me she left over an hour ago. Skin is seedy as fuck and I don’t trust a single mother fucker that sits in that shithole.
I get in my Jeep and head over to her place and see her Escalade in her stall. Everything goes a hazy shade of black as I picture her with that CD dude that’s up her ass. So here I sit and contemplate the bullshit brewing inside me, planning my next move and talking myself out of it at the same time.
I don’t deserve Jen, hell I am the one person who doesn’t deserve her. Not a lot of people see my opinion the same, but fuck them and their judgement. I was the main factor in what destroyed the once innocent and sweet hometown Gig girl.
I used her, more times than I could count. It started in eighth grade when seven minutes in heaven turned into an all of thirty second blow job the summer of eighth. My first and still I think back to it as a damn near spiritual moment.
From there it was always a little further. A ton of that third base grind and I recall with absolute clarity that first orgasm I gave her with my fingers and tongue. I felt like a God and it only fueled the asshole inside that wanted more. In eleventh grade, I took her to bed and continued to fuck her for four years, then destroyed her and called her the worst things imaginable. I never once looked at my part in who she became. I don’t take all the blame, but my reluctance to be anything but her booty call is what lead her to our lifestyle. And she didn’t have the cred to keep herself safe. No managers or labels, she fell down the rabbit hole I left her at. She was sucked into a life she didn’t deserve...
And in it all I still used her. My friends used her. We passed her around like a joint, then called her a whore and a junkie.
My stomach rolls when I see her on the bus, legs spread as I cum in her mouth and Noah cum’s on her pussy. What was deviant and crazy hot back then, is disgusting and cruel now. I cannot think of her in that perfect pink prom dress dancing with James Denahee at the dance, and fucking me in my car that night after we both ditched our dates for not being fun enough... and then picture her behind the stage six years ago as Noah, Myself and the members of Sinners of the Slipstream took a vote on who wanted to party with the hottest redhead there.
I didn’t take her back to the bus with me that night, didn’t care that anyone did. I was fucking Tay that night and Jen was sent to party with the others. I would be lying if the look she gave me, this sad and disenchanted sorrow as she left with the guys from Sinners. I knew she wanted me and I had some sick joy in knowing she wished it was me and most likely thought of me as they railed her.
Shit like that only served to boost my ego and destroyed her as well as countless others I am sure.
We were all good to those we knew and loved, to our families and friends. We were grateful for the fans and the devotion, but behind the scenes we were womanizing bastards.
Despicable.
Loathsome
Arrogant
And now I am left with the memory of the damage, the knowledge I had part in it and I watch her hate herself for what I excused as ok, then used against her when I found out about our son.
I know the majority of what caused his issues. DCFS reports and a shit load of counseling to tell me what I think I always knew deep down inside. Jen wasn’t a fit mother, but she had the intentions to be one. Had I known she had my child, I would have provided for them and that is what rests on Jen.
I hate her for that because I missed so much and could have helped to keep him from seeing shit and going through shit no kid deserves. She didn’t neglect him in the junkie whore mom way we all accused her of. In fact, it was Tayla of all people who finally sought the truth. Jenny was working double shifts to keep the roof over their head and food in their bellies. She was using, but Jens addiction was the life not the drug. She still had to detox and get it out, but she was just a part of the seedy world we lived in and thought we were better than.
Now I watch her excel at motherhood and I have no fear. I have watched her take in my darkest days and not flinch. She is my rock and my home and everything I should have always protected. I lead her to the life and she dove in headfirst thinking I would see her. I saw her and I turned a blind eye.
I look at the clock for the hundredth time and I loosely convince myself she is in grave danger and I should just make sure she is ok. Chances are she is in there with my replacement, CD and I am about to be a major cock block.
That has me smiling as I slam my door.
How fucked up am I? It isn’t if I want her, I do. It is an issue of having her and that I can’t. My world is in shambles as is our sons. I cannot risk hurting Jenny and Axe both in my need to seek comfort. That’s all it is, its comfort and I need it from her like my next breath. I am a thief for it and I accept it, accept the dirt bag I am for it.
I knock on her door, hands stuffed in my pockets as I pace waiting for her to save me from my own mind. By the time she opens it, the worst possible images of thrusting and skin and cries of pleasure have assaulted me and I am barely breathing.
"What are you doing here?" She asks me and looks ten shades of worried.
I instantly realize at seeing her fresh from a shower and wearing some tight ass pink pants and a black tank top (sans bra, god dammit) I know I have over reacted. Luckily for me this was a first on my crazy train tour and hadn’t appeared in the middle of the night claiming concern.
But having convinced myself halfheartedly that she was dead or being hurt, I proceed like the insane mother fucker she has made me. "I didn’t hear back from you..." I trail off feeling like a tool.
No, I am not crazy, just unhinged and obsessed with her and I am torn between thinking it is guilt or true interest. Both are inappropriate.
"I texted you back before I got in the shower?" She says it as a question and pulls her phone from her tank top and I want to bite my knuckles to keep from taking her mouth.
She holds the door open for me to come in. As my night goes on, well it doesn’t suck. I step in and take a seat at her crappy counter. Jen has done what she can with the shithole she rents. That isn’t me being a snob or judging. It is a shithole. Nothing about this place is legit accept for the fact it is a dump.
I admire her for owning it and making it hers. She won’t ask me for money or Noah even and we both have tried to get her to move. She says this is her budget and that’s it. If I can say anything about this place, the one renting it is tough as nails and can handle her own.
Doesn’t mean I have to like it though. I am vocal about my distaste for her skid row apartment. I refuse to let Axe come here unless I am with him and Jen luckily agrees. She spends her time at our house more than here because that is his home. It would be hers too if I could figure my shit out.
"I can see you judging..." She says and pulls two bottles of water from her shit brown fridge.
I look at my phone and see the message she sent me. I was so busy convincing myself I needed to check, I didn’t bother looking to see if she responded. "I have to Jen. This place isn’t good." I look at the chipped counter as I hand her my phone.
"Told you." She says, referring to her response on my phone. She sips from her water as she scrolls through my playlist until she comes to a song she likes. 'Until then' by Sully Erna comes on and I smile. "This song reminds me of you."
She points at me with my phone, handing it back. I am still processing this new development. "Really?" I ask and thank God, I can play off the emotional turmoil I am in constantly these days. I learned to hide my entire life. Emotional shit freaks me out and I tried being honest with her last Christmas after fucking her all night in between my emotional outbursts. She said she would wait me out. Said she wanted me, like we were that night.
That following night proved us both wrong though when Tay showed up and begged me for a chance to see what she wanted. I saw the look on Jens face... know she saw the look on mine... Still didn’t matter. I spent the night in my soundproof studio fighting with Tayla and telling her to go back to the piece of shit she cheated and left me for. Robert Black was the head of our label, Heshen Aggression and a true narcissistic son of a bitch.
I blink the memory back and play with the label on the water bottle so my face won’t give away my regrets.
She nods, responding to me asking about the song and I am pulled to listen to it. I have to hear it and see it through her, and though I have played it a thousand times it’s like this is the first. "Start it over, let me hear this shit."
She picks up my phone and restarts the song. I keep my head down as I listen to every word, every inflection of his voice as he sings it. All I see is Jen and I fall to the music for the answers.
I listen to every word and place them as best I can into our past and it shreds me. I am trying not to assume this is about us and a history of sex, love and neglect.
I say nothing as it plays. I watch her mouth the words as she watches the video and not once does she look at me until the last notes of the song fade. When she looks up, my eyes are fused to her.
"Explain." I say and keep my eyes on her. I need to see it to know if I am right. It will be in her eyes.
"What’s there to explain?" She asks nervously and hands my phone back to me, breaking eye contact. "If you don’t know already, I won’t be explaining it to you."
I nailed it.
"That’s your answer for everything Jen. When you don’t want to answer anything that could be telling you give me that horse shit. You pass the buck to me like I haven’t been paying attention." I stand from my stool; my fear and anxiety are gone and I walk to her with purpose. "But, see, I have been paying attention."
She looks up at me when I box her in to the counter, my arms caging her so she can’t run. "Have you?" She asks and licks her lips.
"Acutely." I say and let the tension fill what space is between us. I can hear her breath quicken and see the faint blush on her chest. She's nervous and she should be.
"So, what was it about then?" She asks and still turns it on me. If she wants to fight this thing all sketchy, I won’t fight fair.
"You and I from eighth grade to right this very second." I lick my lips and lean in close, so close to her lips. I could kiss her right now and she would let me, but I need her to understand that I see her. I see her from back then and I see her now. Though they aren’t the same, they still mean something. "Look at me."
I watch her look just beyond me and bite her bottom lip but the moment is interrupted when her phone chimes. She looks away as she reaches her back pocket to retrieve her phone with a nervous laugh.
Fuck that, this is too important.
I stop her by grasping her wrist. "No, look at me Red. Fuck him whoever he is."
She flinches at my words and it proves I am right. Some dude, probably CD is texting her.
Not when I am here though.
Hell fuckin no.
She looks at me then, frustrated and hurt. I can see it and I know it hurts her when I go caveman. I do this shit to her too often. I give an inch and get her in my sights then I am pulled twelve back. Whether it be band business, our son or even Tay more often than I would like to admit. But, something always gets in my way and now it's this new guy.
Tay toyed with me once making me think the other guy in her life was my friend Sully and it made me mad with jealousy. It was never Sully though, she was fucking Robert Black the head of our one-time label. For months she fucked him behind my back until that Thanksgiving over a year ago.
It was then my world tilted on its axis for the eleventeenth time.
But it is also what lead me here and I want answers.
I press my body against hers, letting her feel all of me. My heat, my breath and my now hardening dick. Let her deny me now that I am in her face.
It hits me then that I would never impose on Tayla the way I do Jen. We would fight and fuck, but it was never a need like this. I crave Jen like a junkie to his pipe. I cannot get enough of this drama. This need and desire. It is the most intense thing I have ever experienced and the shit turns me on.
"Pick me..." I say and try to kiss her but she pushes me back.
"Pick you?" She almost screams and I jump back from the contempt in her voice. I opened a wound somehow and I immediately hate myself for doing it. But she is infuriating in her rage and it pisses me off.
"Yeah!" I yell getting just as pissed off as her. "Pick me and stick around this time instead of chasing after some fucking British smurf!"
She looks at me like I am crazy, and honestly where she is concerned I am fucking certifiable. "I stuck around God dammit, and that hurricane you keep running into ruins any chance!" She screams and slams her hand on the counter. "Any chance!"
Tears stream down her cheeks now and I am floored by the accusation and disregard her pain. "I have never went looking for her, she crawls to me for answers and it takes everything in me not to kick her when she is down!" I yell and push from the counter, grabbing her wrists and pressing her to the ugly ass fridge. "I don’t want her."
I try to cup her face in my hands but she turns her head and slaps my hands away. "Yes! You do!" She starts to sob and I step back, lost and thrown by her words.
It isn’t that she said them, they are words and I can roll them off. It's that she knows they have truth in them. Some sick and twisted part of me still wanted her, for months. I have no answers.
"I have given you space. I wanted for you to come to terms on your own, but I can’t watch it anymore. I waited for you Cal, waited for you to see me and you never saw me. You saw bits and pieces of this new me and confused it, twisted it into some redemption love spell so you could sleep at night knowing you wanted to fuck me..."
I am still reeling from her statement before, but what she thinks and what is are two different things. I realize the fight I have had with myself over her and Tay and my place in it all is one I have no handle on.
None.
"I know I fucked up Jen." I can hear my voice cracking and I need to get my shit together quick.
She nods but is cold and detached. "It's fine." She says and wipes her cheek. "We can’t ever do this, this fighting and angry sex thing whatever it is. I own what happened last year on Christmas, I wanted it as much as you did and its buried now. Axe needs us to be the strong and ever stable parents he deserves. He is the best surprise of my life, but I didn’t choose you any more than you did me. This thing between us chose us and honestly it’s like the worst too be continued ever."
I can feel my eyes burn with unshed tears at her words. They piss me off for equal parts truth and bullshit. Both are present in that speech. "I am here now Jen, right fuckin now." I slam my hand on my chest trying to impact what I feel and the flurry of it all in my chest.
I take a deep breath and close my eyes; my next words are the truth she needs and the rest of this shit was hopeful filler. It is right now that matters. "I fought like hell to win Tay. I ate shit and I kissed her ass endlessly and there is no way you can possibly understand the lengths I went to learn it was all just a fallacy. I won’t, will not do it again. If you don’t want me- fucking look me in the eye and tell me that shit, but don’t wrap it up in bullshit and try to see if Ill notice the lie. You don’t want me Red, I’m gone."
She looks at me, tears rimming her eyes and I have no clue if I made a huge mistake or not.
She places her hand on my cheek and steps up, close...so close. Her hand cups my neck and pulls me to her lips. She kisses me softly, like a lover too scared to admit its love. Once, twice and pulls back after the third and looks me in my eyes.
"I can’t." She says and keeps her eyes on mine.
"Tell me you don’t want me Jenny." I demand, but she shakes her head no.
"I can’t." She says again and I know she wants me, she loves me. I know I burned her, but I just offered the world so it’s a no brainer.
"No drama, no excuses. Yes or no Jen." I cup her face in my hands one last time and I kiss her. I put everything I feel in that kiss. It is hate and love, betrayal and forgiveness. It is everything. I pull back and watch her, breathless as she fights it.
"I can’t..." She almost whispers.
And that’s that.
"Fuck this shit..." I say and storm out her door. I ignored my name being called as I left.
So fuckin done.
Jenny
For so long I have held in my feelings. I have suffered in silence hoping he would see me... so for him to show up here all frazzled and possessive?
Nope.
Not tonight.
I chased him out the door, my feet instantly feeling the cold cement as I charged the parking lot looking for his Jeep. He was almost to it and the beep beep signaling he had unarmed the alarm had me in a full fledge run. I grabbed a hold of his jacket and screamed his name so he would hear me over the rain that was belting the tin roof of my parking lot.
He mistook the fire in my eyes for sexual heat and pins me to the back end of his Jeep, his mouth on mine again.
The kiss was aggressive and full of everything that I ever wanted from him, but I was too mad and it fueled my anger.
I push him off me, feeling the loss of his lips and for a split second I almost caved. I wanted this man. Every breath, moan and word he had for me. I wanted it all, but I wanted it on my terms for once.
"Stop it!" I yell and push him from me.
He spins back from me and roars into the night before he looks at me, that anger a live wire as it mixed with the sexual frustration we both felt. He slams me harder against his Jeep again, lifting me and coming at my mouth with a ferocious intent.
I can barely move or think straight. Fuck, I just want it over. I want to be one without the history and the anger, I want him to love me.
The thought is like being choked and I feel my tears burn my eyes and fall. I fight him, his very hold on me like a brand. "Stop, Cal!" I scream and he shakes his head no and grips my chin in his hand forcing me to look at him.
"No, Jen I am done fighting this. This shit is eating me up." He slants his mouth to mine again and every instinct I have says to just calm down, go slack and don’t fight. I have been here before and the minute his hand grabbed my jaw I checked out.
Thoughts were a rush through my mind as I fought them, trying to be still. I had pushed him to this hadn’t I? Had he pushed me to twist him up like this? I couldn’t explain to him my suffering in it all. I couldn’t hear his suffering either. We both wanted a past erased that we never would be able to delete.
Instead he has become a savage and I a victim.
As if the knowledge hits him with the force of a heavy weight boxer, he pulls back, dropping me from his arms and steps back, looking at me with a horrified truth. I was comforted by that look for simple fact that he knew he went too far.
We are both staring one another down, breathless- but not from passion. We were both terrified of how far it just went. "I can’t do this Jenny." He looks at his hands, they are shaking and I know he hates himself right now.
Good.
He spins from me and roars again and I watch as my neighbors flip on balcony lights and peer through their blinds. "Calm down!" I yell and make the first move to go to him. Not to comfort him, but in hopes I could calm him.
Cal wasn’t violent or a bully and I know, without knowing, that this was a culmination of the twenty plus years between us coming to a head.
We both caused it and though he went too far, I will accept that I did push him to it. It does not make it okay and I won’t excuse it. There is no need for forgiveness because we have officially destroyed anything positive between us.
This was a true end and my heart broke for Axe. He would soon pay the price for the fact his father and I couldn’t even be in the same room any longer. We both failed him in letting our shit fester. "That." He yells and points toward the Jeep he had just pinned me against. "Should never have happened. None of this should! Don’t you fuckin get that?" He is yelling and I am crying and this is going nowhere, but I want to fight. I need this fight.
I deserve a life outside of Cal Dorian and the Thick as Thieves and the world I left behind. I just wanted a simple life and the love of my son. The rest had too steep a price.
"I get it!" I yell through chattering teeth and wipe the rain and tears from my face. "But you came hoping to force a reaction and I can’t give you the one you want."
He steps close to me and I flinch. I see him pause when I do and I see the look of shock on his face. "I would never hurt you Jen. I can’t explain or excuse the aggression that hit me when I saw you coming after me. I took the wrong signal."
He takes his coat off and hands it to me.
"I know you won’t hurt me. It's why I went limp in your arms." I try to reason and calm my racing heart as more tears fall.
"No excuse for it." He laughs without humor as he says it. He opens the door to the Jeep and slides behind the driver’s seat.
I nod in agreement and go to the door and try to find words to explain. "I feel like we need this Cal. We need this fight." I say, but my words come out wrong and I know it when I see the look on his face.
"Are you fucking mental? I just had my hands all over you. Without. Your. Permission!" He spoke through his teeth as he said it and all I can do is nod again. I have so much to say, but I am too overwhelmed to form the right words.
He steps from the Jeep, but stays in front of the door. "You told me, you made it clear that I am not what you need, so tell me why you came after me? Why the fuck am I here if I'm not wanted?"
He waits for my response, but I stumble over my thoughts. He laughs humorlessly again and shakes his head no. He gets back in the Jeep and slams the door. I watch as he beats his fists on his steering wheel three times wicked fast and all I want is to fix this and come clean.
I start yelling into the loud night whether he hears me or not, but the minute my lips move he opens the door.
"What?" He barks and I flinch. I take a deep breath and close my eyes.
"I have wanted you in some capacity for over half my life. You asked me to tell you the truth and I did. I cannot look you in the eye and tell you I feel nothing Cal. I feel more than I can explain, but it doesn’t mean I want to be your hookup for the night."
He goes to interrupt me and I hold my hand up cutting him off as I yell over him.
"I have always been a tool in your arsenal. I was never a person or valuable. I was always a disposable fangirl and when you finally did see me, all you saw was the consequence of too many fucking thrills. I was never anything to you. You never saw me as anything but trash until I gave you Axe." I choke on the last words. "And even then, you didn’t see me..."
My words trail off because I cannot contain my grief. For the first time in our lives I am facing a true end to whatever the fuck Cal and I are.
I watch him close as he scrubs his face with his hands. "Jen, I have wanted you. I remember who we were, the things we shared as kids and how we supported each other. I wanted you then and I want you now. I made it clear that night."
He is referring to that Christmas night the year she left him and like a broken reel I see us together in mindless passion. I see his sorrow and my compassion. I see it with blinding clarity and I hate that he uses it.
"That night was the start of this bullshit between us!" I yell and start crying again. I hate showing weakness. I am from the ghetto, born and raised and we don’t make it here without masking everything. It is all the proof he needs to know he has destroyed me, yet he knows nothing about me. "I watched your face every time she was around. I could see the desire and how bad you missed her. It was something I could not stomach seeing anymore. I had to move on Cal..." I scrub at my eyes and hate the tears as they continue to fall unwanted. "I deserve to be with someone who loves all of me, past and present and it isn’t you." I look at him and see his fear and want to fall to my knees and forget my needs. Forget what I deserve and just be whatever he needs.
It is a toxic, toxic love that has you believing you can be what he needs even if he isn’t what you deserve.
"It isn’t you..." I say again, but my anger is gone and all that is left is this shattered girl from the wrong side of the bridge. You can’t wash that type of dirt off, it stays with you forever.
I stare at the ground, knowing that I cannot look at him... knowing if I do he will break me and I will cave to be with him.
I feel his hands, gentle this time as he forces me to look at him. "Listen to me Jen. You can’t possibly know or even have an idea of what I did, what I changed to prove myself to Tay. I bet everything on us and I lost. I cannot be that guy again. It made losing her so much worse. Call your buddy Noah, ask him how deep I went looking to please her. Research the lengths I went and then ask me to forget it all and be with you. You will see that it is exactly what I did tonight. I put everything on the line and asked you to pick me and I never did that for Tayla. I kissed her ass I groveled and apologized endlessly like a fucking whipped pussy."
His voice is hoarse and I don’t know if it is from the yelling or the emotion, but it kills me.
"If I would have known that someone else would make me feel the way I do right now, I never would have tried to win her." He lets my face go and steps back from me. "You didn’t pick me Red, so tell me why the fuck I am still here?"
"Because I deserved to have a voice in it. I have reasons too Cal."
"Yeah? What are they? What means more than what I offer?"
"You haven’t offered me anything God dammit!" I scream and make white knuckle fists to release some of the roaring anger in me.
He comes at me, backing me once again against his Jeep, but he is only invading my space. His hands are nowhere near me, he simply wants my undivided attention.
He has it.
"When I say pick me, I mean pick me. Love me, use me, destroy me, hate me. I don’t fucking care anymore, just pick me. Me, be mine and that’s it. Don’t make it complex or dramatize it. In or out? The rest we can hash out, but pick. In or out Red?"
"It is complex Cal, there is so much you don’t know." I say and I picture all the secrets I have and how my fear keeps them secure inside of me. How, if he knew... it would soil everything between us.
"Is this about CD?" He asks and looks at me, his arrogant bullshit dripping from every word. "Because if it is, then come here and let me remove any thought of that British blue fuck from your mind."
"It's not that simple. It isn’t so much CD, but it is the idea of him. You and I live in different worlds and when everything with Tayla happened, I thought I could fit in that world. I don’t though. I can’t change who I am or what it means to be me, but I can’t be the other option because your bed is cold. I deserve CD, I don’t deserve you."
There it was. I said it all and didn’t flinch, but I knew I would regret it later. I knew I would be haunted by the look on his face for the rest of my life.
"When you look back on this, and I know you will." He smirks at me cruelly and goes on. "Remember that I wanted you. All of you and you told me no. Know that I won’t pine for you or ask again. I will fuck every red head I meet to force you from my system until you are nothing but our son’s mom and my kindness to you begins and ends there."
Tears fall at the absolute hate he speaks to me with. I am instantly in the throes of regret and this is not what I wanted.
"Until then watch close and pay attention Jen. This shit is seriously going to fuckin hurt."