Chapter two
Jen
I have ignored Noah's calls for a day until he sent the message just now, I knew my time was up.
Noah: If I don’t hear back from you, knowing you are off work today then I will be hanging on your doorstep. Whatever’s up, don’t lose sight of who I am.
I respond once I get coffee and can deal with the shit storm that is Noah on a tear. I understood his concern, to a degree. It was one day and yes, we talk a million times every day, but isn’t a girl allowed to lick her wounds before she cries to the bestie?
I mean...
This is unjust.
Me: Yeah, sorry I was licking my wounds from a really awful fight with Cal. Can I come by?
His response is immediate.
Noah: Yeah, I need you to help me with something.
I contemplate what that could mean and the list is endless. I will probably help him mate socks or something just so he has a pretense to ask me what crawled up my ass.
I throw my hair in a messy bun and dress in my workout clothes knowing I will hit the gym on my way home.
I stop and get an Iced coffee for both of us and pull in to his drive about twenty minutes later.
The garage is open and boxes everywhere and I feel the dread come on scared he has asked me to help clean shit out to prepare for even more of Raleigh’s shit.
"What exactly is going on?" I ask and hand him his drink and take in the various boxes with instructions on them.
"Are you moving?" I ask, and there is some serious sadness because this place had so much meaning to him and what he accomplished after moving to Gig Harbor ten years ago. I met Noah after we had graduated from high school and he started hanging out with Chad and eventually joined TAT.
He cringes when he takes a drink and hands me his, taking mine and I realize I handed him the wrong one and he hates sweet anything. "What the hell is the point of coffee if you taste no coffee?" He looks at me and shakes his head but laughs. "Bright does the same thing, fucking disgusting."
I laugh and sit on the bumper of the covered car. He has a serious car addiction and built a four thousand square foot garage in the back for them, but this one must be the choice for the day.
Weirdo.
"And yes, I am moving. This place is too small for us all." He lifts a box that says Candey on it and gently places it with a few others that have her name on them.
I say nothing as I try to take in what he is saying, but point to the boxes with her name on them in question.
"Well, I can’t very well keep her stuff where she left them like I had been doing." He looks at me softly and leans back against a treadmill. "Bright headed to Cali with Ral to sign on the lease for her apartment above The Brew that she is renting to the new manager of the Yorba Linda store." He looks at me and shrugs before drinking is bitter cold coffee, ew.
"I figured I would need some privacy to go through it all. I moved most everything in the spare bedroom, but it still felt like a shrine. I won’t delete her from my life, and have all her art at the studio and the special and valuable stuff on display." He shrugs again and dashes inside quickly before coming back with another box and a Trucker Hat on his head. He sets the box in front of me and I see my name and roll my eyes because I know what’s in it.
I know he needed to stop talking. Not because I was judging him, but because he didn’t need to explain why he wanted to do it alone. Even happy, in love and healthy he would miss her because he loved her. More importantly, Bright respects it and the love he had for her.
I open the box and start laughing and fold it back up. "So that’s where all my travel mugs and work out water bottles are."
He laughs and takes the box to my Escalade, or his that he gave me almost two years ago before he met Bright.
I stand from the bumper of the car and lift the cover and stop short. "Did you buy another car Noah?" I ask and lift the cover higher, but he stops me and shakes his head no.
"Let me uncover it please." He says and his tone is reverent and I roll my eyes because he is seriously too obsessed... My thoughts trail off when I see the state the car is in. The entire drivers side of the car is caved in and damaged as is the roof, front end and even the back end. I look to the passenger side and though it isn’t caved in as bad as the other side, you can tell this car was impacted on the driver’s side, rolled; and skidded on the right before stopping.
It hits me that this is his car, his first muscle car and it was the one that delivered the fatal blow to Candey and put Noah on the path of wreckage.
I look at him with such sadness now. "Noah why would you keep it?" I want so bad to understand why he would want another reminder of his loss.
"I was going to have it fixed at first, then I don’t know... At first when I came home from the hospital I would sit in the back seat and scream. Then it felt too morbid to sit in it anymore, but I don’t know it became something I needed to hold on too."
I try so hard to be understanding, but with this I couldn’t support it. Keeping this was toxic. "Noah, you need to sell it or junk it or something. This isn’t healthy."
He nods and looks to the driveway where Carrie pulls in with Noelle and the newest to the bunch Bowden (Bowie) Harvard Blake. Now, Chad made it a point to name him something cool since according to him I started the trend with Axe and he tells me often how badass I did. He actually tried to convince Carrie that because he was a Rockstar he could be respected for naming Bowie, Slash.
Carrie denied the request and settled happily on Bowie after months of debate.
She pales the minute she sees the car and I swoop Bowie from her arms and Noelle jumps into Noah’s. The first time I held Noelle she looked terrified like I would taint her, but these days I have formed a good relationship with her and am honored when I am referred to as Auntie Jen.
"Noah, why the hell do you have this car in here? I thought you sold it?" She asks and gives me a half hug, her shock and mortification still on her face.
"I did, it's why it’s in here."
I finally sigh in relief hearing that and Carrie calms down immediately hearing him confirm it.
"It creeps me out Bub, its way to morbid." She says and covers it back up, her eyes lingering on the back seat through the shattered windows and shivers.
"Bright doesn’t know I have it, that I have had it here in the big garage, but I don’t want her to know feel me?" He asks us and Carrie and I both agree. "Fell you." She says and I laugh uncomfortably. "Yeah I definitely feel you. Some things are okay as secrets."
Carrie rests her hand on the hood of the car for a brief moment and looks at Noah. "I remember when you picked me up that day from the hospital after Cody attacked me and forced me to lay down in the back and shut me up with 'Down in a hole'."
He nods remembering. "Be glad I did I was ready to wring your neck that day."
Noah explains that he and Chad had a huge blow out over Carrie breaking up with him in the hospital and that Carrie was being a pussy.
I wait for her to get mad, but she just rolls her eyes and points to Bowie and Noelle. "Obviously we worked it out." She says and Bowie reaches for her and I hand him over while Noelle reaches for me and Bowie for Noah. Like kiddie musical arms.
Noah immediately starts to throw him in the air and get him laughing until he spits up and it almost hits Noah's shoes. "Nope, he's yours now." He says and hands him to Carrie who laughs.
"So… the moving truck is on its way. Chad will be here after Harvey’s appointment." You can see the fear ebb in when she speaks about Harvey, Chads grandfather.
"How is he?" Noah asks and I pull my hair down so Noelle can play with it.
She just shakes her head no and looks to Noelle. We pick up immediately that it's not good news and that she wants Noelle protected from hearing the bad news.
"I feel you. Later?" He asks and looks at her, his intense eyes making it clear he wants the details.
She nods and turns her back to keep us from seeing her tears. Noah goes for Bowie again and lets her catch her breath and I change the subject.
"So, moving? Where too? Why didn’t I know about this until moving day?"
"Because I bought the house a few days ago and am surprising Bright and the kid with it when they get home on Thursday."
"Thursday? That’s tomorrow!" I say and Noelle covers my mouth because I am almost screaming.
"I know, it's why I asked for reinforcements." He points to Carrie then me. "That’s you guys. Shame, Cass and Chad will be here later."
I feel myself go pale, scared that Cal will be here. Noah see's my fear though and squats down. "He won’t be here Jen. He is picking Mya up from the airport and going with his folks to see John Fogerty. With Axe. You know this baby girl."
I nod and he stands handing Carrie Bowie now that she has her shit together. "Mind taking the kids in for a snack? I got to talk to Jen."
He says it so simply but leaves no room for explanation or argument and she nods.
"Sure..." She looks at me and see's my eyes glassy and smiles. "Whatever it is, it'll work itself out Jen."
I smile and nod, knowing I don’t believe it.
He leans back and sips from his coffee and I unleash everything from the other night. Every detail, down to his telling me it would hurt when I saw him with someone new.
I wasn’t prepared for his reaction though and I am reminded of Cal's taunting, 'Call your buddy Noah, ask him how deep I went looking to please her. Research the lengths I went and then ask me to forget it all and be with you.'
"Why would you fight him when you know it's all you want? Honestly Jen?" He sounds mad almost, beyond disappointment.
"Because I watched him with Tayla over this last year and he still loves her Noah. Trust me, I would do it and run to him if I didn’t know that Axe would be the damaged one in this."
"Don’t use Axe in this, it's a low blow excuse. You loved him when he was planning a wedding and she was raising your kid, so no sweets it’s not why."
"Let me get this right, you’re pissed at me for thinking of my son first?" I hate to argue with Noah, but I am willing to right now.
"You aren’t though, you are putting you first because you’re a fucking pussy." He says and points at me yelling. "Pussy!"
He kicks a bucket that was beside the garage door and nails and various screws roll out onto the garage floor.
Carrie hears it and comes to the door. "Look, its none of my business, but Jesus Noah, filter!"
He nods and waves for her to go inside and looks at me when the door shuts. "Sorry, but I watched him lose his mind that Thanksgiving. I watched him fall apart tenfold that night in his studio and trash it. You cannot begin to understand how hard we all were on him where Tay was concerned when he tried to get her to give him another chance. No idea Jen."
"He told me that, but why do I need to take all the risk? I shouldn’t pay for her mistakes. Hell, I followed his lead at first after fucking me Noah, so no I won’t pity him when he tells me one thing then falls apart over her repeatedly."
He looks at me with disbelief. "What the actual fuck are you talking about?"
"After Christmas on the porch..." I look at him to see if he knows what I mean and he rolls his eyes and motions for me to continue. "That morning after Axe opened his gifts from her, she asked to talk to him in the sound room and two hours later they come up and he looks relaxed as fuck and she looks coy and even winked at me like the bitch she is when she left. He fucked her, I guarantee it. She always talked to him down there and they always came back looking happy. I got sick of that rerun for God’s sake!" I walk until I am in front of him and force him to see me.
"I am not weak or a pussy. I watched that shit show for months until I started my apprenticeship and had a good reason to only be there when I knew she wasn’t."
He hugs me and curses a few times, but really says nothing else on it. He and I are at a stalemate with this and I worry it will cause problems between us. "Promise me that this won’t affect you and I Noah? I can’t afford to lose this friendship..." I feel my tears fall and hug him tighter. "You are all I can rely on, please don’t choose."
He nods and pulls me back so I can see his eyes and trust him at his word. "Then don’t make me choose Jen. I won’t choose. Cal is family to me and one of my best friends as are you. This thing could fuck shit up between us if you both don’t figure your shit out together."
I shake my head yes, but he gently shakes my shoulders so I look at him again. "What if he was here giving me his point of view Jen? How would you feel? I guarantee you it would be what he feels right now knowing you would run to me and that shits unfair as all hell. I love you both, remember that."
"So, what? I can’t confide in you anymore?" I ask and I know his answer and though I hate it I agree with it.
"Not where he is concerned. I got to be out babes. You guys got to do this shit on your own. I refuse to be on someone’s side or in the middle. I refuse because in this you both have reasons."
"And if it blows up in my face?" I hiccup on my words and try to calm down.
"Jen, if you get upset and need a friend I will be here. I will always be here. I just can’t advise or pick sides. If you need to cry or freak out or scream, I am all ears. I just won’t comment feel me?"
I nod, feeling better knowing he won’t leave me to heal alone and I understand his not wanting to be more than a shoulder to cry on. This is between Cal and I, and we need to fix it to avoid hurting Noah.
"Let’s get you packed then, we have limited time here." I say, and as much as I want to run from his pseudo lecture, I won’t. He is my best friend and for once we have boundaries and that is doable. I owe Noah the respect and courtesy to keep him from the ugly shit Cal and I have and so I will.
"Well, see I have excess in funds so I also have people coming to pack." He winks and pulls me in toward the house. "Besides, there is a reason that I wanted you to come over."
"Oh yeah? What now, proposing too?" I ask and stop short when Carrie and Noah both look at me.
"Ohmigawd...Seriously?" I feel my eyes well with tears and it is because I am overwhelmed by the excitement for him. “Noah..." I say and hug him at a loss for words.
"She'll say yes right?" He asks me and I tell him yes without a doubt and Carrie agrees.
"Your delusional if you think she isn’t panting waiting to be your wife."
He scrubs his hands over his head and I know he is terrified. "She loves you so much Noah. Why are you scared? It's a no brainer."
"Do you..." He pauses and looks to Carrie who stands beside him. "Is it a bad omen or something? Like what if God isn’t done fucking with my life?"
We both know why he fears asking. Candey dies the same night he proposed.
"Nope. But, if you’re scared then have Uber drop them off at the new place instead and be waiting. Then, wrap her in bubble wrap and have a nurse on standby for the night."
He laughs and pushes Carrie lovingly seeing that it was just shitty cards and not an omen. "Uber isn’t a bad idea though. God knows I’ll be a nervous wreck in the car once I get them from the airport."
We nod, knowing the pressure in that car would make anyone wilt. "So get her an Uber to the house and tell her you are in the middle of lyrical genious shit and cant stop. She so wont care." I say and rub his arm.
"Well, there’s the plan then." He says and we are interrupted when the doorbell rings alerting us the movers are here.
Carrie and I do the girl thing and swoon over the upcoming nuptials and agree Bright will have it like an extravaganza.
"Enough girl talk, let’s work." He says and takes us both in a headlock on both arms.
"Wait..." I say laughing as we break free. "Wait so, what does that mean for kids? Will you make us aunties one day?"
"He cringes and shakes his head no. "I already did, you have Raleigh, he's like ten kids and just as hard to handle."
Cal
I get to Shames but don’t bother knocking. I use the keycode that unarms the lock on the door and yell from the entryway.
Shame comes down the stairs and throws me a hi-five. "What's up man?"
I had called on my way over letting him know I had some news.
"So, I was asked to do the cover for Sound Logics magazine and be part of the fifty most influential guitarists of the twenty-first century."
His smile tells me he is pumped for me. "No shit?" He claps his hands together and starts yelling. "Fuck yeah bro!"
He grabs us two low ball glasses and pours us both a whiskey. "Cheers brother, this is a fucking recognition you deserve." We toast and drink from the whiskey. "When is it coming out? Honestly we need to celebrate."
"It will be the March Issue and I do the interview a week from tomorrow." I don’t hide my smile, but I struggle being ecstatic because I want to tell Jen and I refuse to talk to her outside of my texts about Axe. The last year we do the 50?50 thing because with my touring schedule she was all I had to rely on. God knows my ex wasn’t.
"Well shit we are all on hiatus until next year so I say fuck it, let’s plan a party."
"No, we are going out to celebrate this. This is huge Cal and everything you have ever wanted. This is your life’s work and dedication." He starts a group text to everyone we know and within minutes my phone is blowing up with congrats texts from everyone I love.
"So, we are going to pre-game at your spot at seven and then head out I'll reserve us a spot."
"Wait, tonight?" I ask and kick back the rest of my whiskey.
"Fuck yeah tonight. What the fuck do we have planned honestly?"
His phone is blowing up now too and mine keeps going when I hear Cassa come into the den with a huge smile. "Holy shit Cal! This is remarkable!" She hugs me and hands me Ella who goes at my beard immediately.
"Hey brat, that hurts." I say in a silly voice that makes her laugh.
“So, I need to call the sitter and get arranged, but I will be pre-gaming with you boys later." She kisses me on the cheek and disappears from the room.
I play with Ella while Shame calls the Sue to request a roped off section but they are hosting a headliner tonight. I get an idea though and look at him as I hang Ella upside down by her feet as she laughs hysterically.
"Bro, call Tiny and get us a spot at the Aloha."
He starts a series of hell yes and calls Tiny. "Look Tiny, we need like an hour block of Cal playing. Riffing and some solo shit." I look at him like he might be a genius. There is a reason they put me on that list and it is because something short of epic happens when I play and get lost.
Once he is off the phone with Tiny he comes looking for me while I dig through the pantry looking for my girl Ella some grub. I throw some grapes and a string cheese on her tray and let her go to town before looking to Shame who has the details for the impromptu party.
"So, what’s the plan?" I ask and steal some grapes for myself and sit beside Ella.
"They have a band booked tonight, solo artist he says rocks. Lexington Cherry?" He looks at me to see if I recognize the name. I don’t and shrug my shoulders.
"Well, he says they booked last minute when his headliner cancelled. He is going to move some shit around to get you as the headliner, but he asked that we play a few with you as a favor?"
"That’s cool, I like that idea because you guys had a part in my going so far."
"Bro we can do a bad ass set list though that has you shining. Go to some of the best guitar songs on your list of faves and throw a few of our best in the mix."
"I dig it." I say and stand reaching for my keys.
"Tiny isn’t gonna promote it either so that we don’t take from the cover. Once he announces it though, all bets are off."
He is smiling and playing a beat on the counter with his hands. "Yeah that’s good man." I say and squeeze his shoulder. "I’m gonna head out I want to loosen the fingers before I take it hard all night. Can we meet at five, just us guys so I know the set is tight?"
"Hey, what’s up man?" He asks me and I know I look like a jackass. I should be through the roof excited and I will be once I start playing and get a set for the night.
"Just got a lot on my brain man."
He follows me as I make my way to the door, grabbing my shoulders and guiding me back to the den. He pours two more drinks and points at the chair.
"Look, we been boys for our whole life. I know when shit has you upset so tell me now before it fucks you up on the biggest party of your life."
I laugh arrogantly. "Dude, it’s me. I take anything music and business serious."
He doesn’t buy it though. "Is it about Tay?"
I cringe and roll my eyes. "No, fuck her. I don’t bother with that shit anymore. I think it’s always going to sting but she doesn’t affect me anymore."
"Old Red still giving you the run around?"
He knows he is right when I groan and scrub my face.
"Dude, what’s her deal? Honestly? You’ve been pretty straight with her over everything right?"
I get why he asks. I toyed with Tay for years, always abandoning her even when I knew I was in love with her. But with Jen, no way. I have been extremely clear.
"She thinks that after all these years and nothing ever coming from her brand of fighting for me, that now I am rebounding on her."
"I didn’t know that fucking you and all your friends was in the how to get a man handbook." He laughs and shakes his head. "Color me fucking stupid."
I am irritated by the easiness for how he sees her, even though on some level he is right. "Dude come on..." I say and clasp my fingers behind my neck.
"I’m not saying it to insult Jenny, Cal. I am trying to give you an angle here. Did she ever say hey Dorian I only want you? Or give any indication she wasn’t more than a good time? Dude she was a partier and she need to take some accountability in it."
"I know and I agree, but there were times once we made it big that she tried being sweet and all that. In that it was me, not her. She wanted that connection we had back in the day and I really thought she came to those feelings because of my fame." I look at him and drink more from the whiskey. "I am starting to think it went way deeper and way before I picked up on it though and in that I am the dick."
He watches me, deep in thought and I know he is picking his words lightly. "Maybe, maybe not. You were always messing around with Pope in Jr high and High school and she never gave a fuck about committing then, so you had every right to think that. We don’t live in the same world now days Cal. Every chick is looking for a sugar daddy, honestly Jen had so many chances to own up to her feelings."
She wasn’t okay with it back then. We had something special, maybe puppy love maybe just comfort. I still don’t tell Shame that. "Yeah maybe." I say but I still can’t get the why... why now, when all the shit is aligned and we can see what happens she runs? "We had it out the other night bro, hard. Like, she has me acting like a fucking psychopath."
I tell him about the fight and my aggression in wanting her and I know he is disappointed in me, I see it.
"Dude, if this shit is making you that crazy then maybe you need to go to Noah on this one, for some insight at least."
I laugh like the crazy fool she has made me. "Your high right? Noah is her closest friend, like best friends forever shit. No shot in hell I am causing that wedge in us. No way, bro we are finally tight again after that shit at Skin when he went to rehab. It's not a boat I am going to rock anytime soon."
I stand and pour one more whiskey, a small one knowing I need to drive. "I think I just need some time apart from her."
He looks at me with a copious amount of guilt. "Dude, she was in that text I sent. I didn’t know shit was bad and figured she would obviously get the invite to something this huge."
I laugh and shake my head. "No shot in hell she will show, not after the other night."
He nods, still apologetic and asks me something I never expected. "Do you blame yourself with this Jenny shit?"
"That is a loaded question... I blame myself for how she became that girl on the bus and even when we were small town. I hand fed her the life she was in no way prepared to survive. I used her, degraded her then blamed her for Axe's misgivings. Hell, his hearing loss and why he got those tubes is because he had fluid in his ears. Why he wears glasses is from my genetic pool for bad eye site. Its why we all wear contacts now, but I had glasses at his age too. His motor skills and the cognitive delay was neglect yeah, but in the light sense of the word. She worked a ton and had a shitty sitter who she filed reports on when she saw how he was treated."
"Okay, but the drugs and partying?" He asks, and yeah, I know.
"Total fail on her part. Absolutely, but look at the shit Noah pulled when he was using and fucking up cutting everyone out. You saw it more than anyone did and you are still his closest confidant and ally. We all love him, forgave him. I battle this shit all the time man, all the time. But, honestly, Shame I have forgiven her because she has redeemed herself tenfold."
"I agree, I just don’t want this shit resting on you again. You went through hell for Tay and she broke a part of you, but I think you are a better man for it honestly. I just don’t want you doing anything where the risk outweighs the reward."
"This feeling I have..." I look at him square in the eye because I need his support and reasoning now more than ever.
"Yeah?"
"It is far more intense than anything I ever felt with Tay. There’s this need that makes me insane. I feel like I am obsessed. Unlike when Tay had me believing she was dating Sully to make me jealous, Jen is actually dating that blue haired dude from the Pit. Actually, dating and she told me point blank that she wants him, the idea of him or some shit, but that I don’t deserve her."
He is silent, most likely processing what I just unloaded.
"I'm crazy for her. Hand to God obsessed."