19
Kyle
Goddamn it. Kyle hadn’t meant to overreact. He hadn’t been arguing with Nic at all, despite what it looked like. It was himself. Or worse yet…
“You are the definition of daddy issues,” Kyle muttered, clutching the steering wheel. “Jesus, Kyle. Get it together.”
He fiddled with the car radio, but none of the channels made him happy, so he turned it off again. God, he needed to burn another mix CD soon. He was getting bored with everything, and even shuffle didn’t help. Or get a CD-to-iPod converter, if those existed.
Kyle was thinking about everything and everything, and he knew the signs of avoidance. He had a good ten minutes until he got to River’s house, even if he floored it, and he couldn’t avoid it forever.
He drew a deep breath.
If Kyle were really honest, Nic had reminded him of his father for a minute, and he was the last person Kyle wanted to think about. He barely spared his biological family any thought these days—he hadn’t for years.
Not after the first few years of recovery and getting his shit together. It was such a fucking stereotype: flamboyant faggot gets thrown out by father for being gay, underwhelming support from his mother, and a second gay sibling left afraid to come out.
Four years after he’d left, his brother had come out as bi, and had dear old Dad thrown him out? No, and apparently he’d come around to thinking gay people might be okay—but only because his brother had been just about to graduate medical school. He’d made something of himself.
Only at Danny’s insistence had their dad contacted him again to say he might be willing to compromise on his stance. Yeah, right. His dad knew what side his bread was buttered on. The side that expected a good retirement home after all he’d done for—to—him.
And his mom… seeing glimpses of the real her, the happy and enthusiastic mom she’d once been, had kept him going. It had made him certain that being authentic was the only way to be. Fuck being a puppet for someone else’s desires. She’d never gotten to live on her own and be herself before she died, early last year. And from the brief interactions he’d had with his dad at the funeral, he hadn’t changed a bit.
Kyle would take Danny’s calls, but that was it.
Not that he’d had the luxury of that stance for the first year after moving out. His dad had tried to bribe him into coming home or stopping his disgusting behavior by holding money over his head. The moment he got his first Walmart job, Kyle had stopped trying to jump when his dad said to jump.
Money was a touchy subject—probably the touchiest of any for him. It wasn’t Nic’s fault he’d stumbled into it. Nic definitely hadn’t meant offense. In his shoes, Kyle would have helped out a friend, too. He paid for River’s coffees without keeping track.
Come to think of it, River had paid for something as dumb as today’s impulse purchase, and that cost just as much. That enormous overstuffed beanbag had met an untimely end via a hookup involving handcuffs.
“Why does it bother me that much, then?” he muttered, fidgeting with the steering wheel.
Oh. Yeah. Because it was Nic, not River or someone else paying for him.
And Nic had been getting closer and closer to him—not romancing him, or overtly coming on to him, but still closer. Work, sex, now shopping… he was under Kyle’s skin.
Kyle wasn’t sure what to make of it, or his own reactions.
He parked in front of River’s building and leaned into the door, rubbing his hand down his face. Thinking about his family always did this to him. God, he was in no state to have fun.
But he didn’t want to sap River’s energy, either. He hated being negative, and he hated himself for letting others make him feel that way.
This was a vicious cycle, and he was not going to let it get started.
“Kyle Everson, you are going to kill yourself.”
“Is that at the top of your Christmas list?” Kyle spat back, his arms folded.
He was thin, it was true, and he was getting sick of ramen, but it was his ramen, eaten in his kitchen at one AM after fucking as many guys as he wanted and wearing whatever he wanted without a lecture that would leave him crying into his pillow half the night.
“Don’t be such a little asshole. You don’t deserve half of what we’ve given you, you filthy little—”
“Roger.”
His mom’s interruptions were carefully timed to spare him from the worst of his dad’s words, but they did nothing to change Kyle’s knowledge of what his dad wanted to say. What he had said, the day he kicked Kyle out.
“You can’t keep surviving on your own,” his father’s voice boomed. Kyle wasn’t looking at him. Nor was he looking at his mother, who had just slipped an envelope into his backpack near the front door. His father was still blustering. “I bet you’re behind on rent already. Kid your age? Unemployable. Take a few hundred bucks. It doesn’t matter to me. All that matters is seeing you on a decent path.”
He wasn’t going to turn it down, either. God, no. Kyle was too proud to take money from Dad, but too poor not to take money from Mom. It was the only reason he came back when his dad called, and his dad knew it.
Money. Fucking money. Dad had him over a barrel because of it. Otherwise, the day Kyle had moved out would have been the last time he’d seen him.
“I can survive, and in case you haven’t noticed, I am,” Kyle told his father, jutting his jaw out. “Did you come to yell at me for being a disgusting little perverted faggot again, or did you have something fatherly to say, for a change? ‘Cause I’ve got some dick to suck somewhere, I’m sure.”
“Get out.”
Kyle rose to his feet, catching a glimpse of his brother’s blond hair as he darted back into his room. He didn’t blame Danny. Nobody wanted to get between him and his dad when they were going toe-to-toe, and he wouldn’t have let them. He wasn’t going to cause casualties.
“You overuse that phrase,” Kyle spat back at his father. He’d lost his fear of him last year, after hearing exactly those words for the first time, and then a lot worse. That day had hurt, yes, but it had led to… freedom. The worst possible outcome had turned out to be one of the best.
“I said—”
“Roger,” his mom said again, louder this time. She swept Kyle up in a hug as he approached the front door. His father turned away and strode into the living room.
Kyle squeezed her hard, then whispered into her ear, “I’m okay. I got a job. Walmart. I can’t keep visiting now.”
Her hold faltered for a moment, and then she squeezed him so hard he lost his breath. “Baby. I’m so proud. I always have been. Always will be. Flaunt that big heart of yours. Don’t settle—”
Kyle knew what she was going to say, and he shook his head slightly. “Don’t settle for anything. Don’t stop being me. I won’t. I won’t ever,” Kyle whispered back, kissing her cheek. “I promise.”
“I love you.”
Kyle had never doubted that. He just wished he could help her be everything she could be, if she were free of this overgrown bully. His dad wasn’t abusive to her, nor to his brother. Just to Kyle.
But she wasn’t happy, either. She wasn’t the beautiful, laughter-filled soul he’d caught glimpses of now and then when he visited while Dad wasn’t in town.
“Love you, Mom. I’ll be okay.”
“I know you will be.”
Kyle hugged her one more time, trying to memorize the feeling of his mom’s arms around him, the smell of her, the softness of her hair against the side of his cheek… the safety in her arms. “Call me if you need anything.”
She knew what that meant. But, as always, she smiled slightly and sadly. “I’ve settled.”
He could argue, say she didn’t have to, but they’d been over that before. It was up to him to break free and be everything she wanted to be.
It was fucking terrifying to be nineteen and facing all the possibilities of a future he’d never thought he’d have, all alone.
But he was ready to spread his wings.
Kyle wiped his eyes roughly and cleared his throat, then checked his hair in the rearview mirror.
Yeah, he was kind of a mess. What he needed was River, Netflix, and a chill night.
When his best friend opened the door, he knew it, too.
“Movie time, baby.” River took one look at his face and ignored Kyle holding out the bags. Instead, he swept him into a hug so tight Kyle wanted to bury himself in it forever.
Kyle breathed out a quick sigh. “God, I love you.”
“Of course. Who doesn’t? Tell me about it later.” Despite his teasing tone, Kyle knew River was helping him change the subject. River knew something had happened, but he wasn’t going to push it yet.
Kyle would tell him, too—he always did. He’d even include the angry kiss. River was going to make so much fun of him, and the thought already made him crack a small smile.
“That’s it,” River grinned, finally pulling back and taking the Coke bottle. “I’ve got the rum. You set up Netflix. Let’s get this party started!”