The flight into New York was quiet. Lexi wanted to talk, but that was the last thing I wanted to do. She needed to just let me wallow in my misery. When I first moved to the city, she didn’t let me do that, and it didn’t take me long to realize she wouldn’t let me do it this time either. Stephen had meant well when he’d told me about Mason’s reasoning behind the divorce, but I still had to process everything.

“Honey, are you sure you’re okay?”

I looked up from my laptop. “I’m okay, Lexi. I’m catching up on work.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about. What happened between you and Mason? When you guys got to California everything seemed to be going okay, but he left without even saying goodbye.”

“I really don’t want to talk about it.”

Lexi shifted in her seat towards me. “I understand that you don’t, but if I leave it alone you’re going to hide between that bubbly personality of yours and bury yourself in work.”

I closed the lid to my laptop a little harder than intended. “What’s so bad about that? I’m sorry that I don’t want to deal with the same shit over and over. He’s my ex-husband or soon-to-be-ex-husband. I shouldn’t have to keep putting myself through this.”

She held up her hands to stop me. “That’s not what I’m saying.”

“Lexi, I know exactly what you’re saying, but I don’t care. Mason and I are over. Leave it alone this time. I don’t want your help getting over him, or for you to drag me out of my apartment to meet new guys. All I want is to work and go home by myself at night, nothing more, nothing less.”

She pursed her lips. “I’m sorry for trying to help. I’ll stop.”

“Listen, you’ve been an amazing friend, and I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, but I need to do this on my own. It’s different this time. I can’t keep falling down the same rabbit hole. My relationship with Mase is like a drug to me and right now, I can’t even hear his name.”

“Okay. I won’t bug you or bring up anything to do with him or Adam.” I winced at Adam’s name. “You’re on your own for this one.”

“Thank you. As soon as I’m ready to talk, you’ll be the first one I find.” I reached out and took her hand in mine. “Maybe we can find you a man instead. Or we can just have your booty call come over more often.”

She blushed furiously, the color clashing with her dyed red hair. “That was a one-time thing. He was sweet, and a really great lay, but he’s not someone I’ll be keeping around. Pretty, but incredibly stupid.”

“Who says you need to talk?” I teased.

Lexi laughed. “Honey, I couldn’t even do pillow talk with him. The boy is missing a few too many brain cells.”

“What did you do, kick him out of the apartment when you were done?”

She laughed. “Basically.”

I chuckled. “This is why I love you so much.”

She put her head on my shoulder. “Glad I could help cheer you up.”

 

***

 

For the next week, I avoided everyone. I dodged calls, appointments with Luke, and requests for shopping or lunch dates with Lexi. Adam hadn’t even tried to call or email. He had to have known I was home because Lexi was back on her normal shift at the hospital. It stung a little that he hadn’t even tried, but honestly it was probably better this way. I needed some time to sort myself out.

I stood in front of the huge floor to ceiling windows in my downtown office, staring down at Central Park. I couldn’t even visit my favorite park bench to eat my lunch. If I ate at all, it was normally while I was on conference calls, trying to make up for all the work I’d missed while Stephen was in the hospital. A sigh slipped out that I hadn’t intended.

“You shouldn’t be making that sound. Everything should be wonderful in your world.”

I didn’t turn around at Adam’s voice. “And yet it’s not.”

His arms slipped around me from behind and I rested my head against his.

“I’m sorry.” His breath tickled my neck.

“For what? And what are you doing here? You normally see patients on Tuesday afternoons.”

“I took some time off to come talk to you.” He hugged me tighter. “I’m sorry for basically giving you an ultimatum after telling you I would wait. I was jealous, am jealous, but I never should have acted that way.”

“You had every right to be jealous.” I hated myself for what I was about to say next. I pulled away from Adam and turned to face him. “I slept with Mason while I was in California.”

Adam took a step back. “That’s not exactly what I expected you to say,” he said slowly.

“I’m sorry, I just…I wanted to be honest with you.”

“Yeah.” He swallowed. “Thanks, I guess.”

“I haven’t spoken with him since. I told him that it couldn’t ever happen again and that we wouldn’t be working it out this time because there was too much history. I regret it.” I took a deep breath. “And I get it if you don’t want to date me, or even be friends, but I didn’t want to lie to you. You deserve better than that.”

His jaw tightened. “Is that why you didn’t call after you got back?”

“No. Maybe. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know where we stood, and after our last conversation, I wasn’t sure you even wanted to talk to me again. Everything seemed so final, not that it’s an excuse for what I did with Mase. Adam, I’ve been so lost for the past year that I don’t know up from down.” He stared at me while I took a few deep breaths. “I’m a mess and I think I just need to take some time for myself, try to figure out who I am and what I want. If you even want to be friends, we can be friends, but I can’t do a relationship or anything like one right now.”

He never looked away while I was talking, but he didn’t answer. I took a step closer. “I never meant to hurt you.”

He took another step back and held up his hand to stop me. “I’m going to need some time, Emmy.”

I nodded. There was so much more I wanted to say, but it died on my tongue because I knew he didn’t want to hear it.

“I understand.”

He walked towards the door, but stopped before he walked outside. “Have you scheduled an appointment yet?”

I bit my lip.

“No.”

“Emmy, you know that you need to start facing your problems head on. If you want kids then you need to be proactive.”

“I know, but at this point I’m not sure I do.”

His hand rested on the doorknob. He stared at me for a few seconds before nodding his head.

“Okay.” He nodded again and opened the door. “Bye, Emerald.”

“Goodbye, Adam.”

 

***

 

My side hurt from laughing so hard and I felt tears running down my face.

“Adam, you have to stop or I’m going to pee myself.”

“That might be the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. I think I’ll tickle you to make it happen.”

He took two steps towards me and I held up my hands in defense. I jumped up and started running through the park, dodging families playing and people milling about. Adam caught up to me easily, his strong, muscular arms wrapped around my waist and picked me up, pulling me back into his body. At the contact, I sucked in a breath. His sudden gasp told me he felt the spark of electricity running between us too.

I stopped struggling against him and he slowly put me down, my back rubbing against his front as he lowered me. His arousal pressed against my back and my entire body felt flushed. I angled my body back towards his, making sure he saw me bite down on my full bottom lip. There was always a crackle of awareness in the air between us, but this was the first that he had shown he was the least bit affected by me since the first night we met.

“Sorry,” he mumbled letting me go. “Do you feel better or do we need to find a bathroom,” he said, trying to break the tension.

I laughed and tried to act normal. “As long as you refrain from tickling me, I think we’ll be okay.”

Even with the confusion of his hard on pressing into my ass, I was happy that I had agreed to meet Adam for a picnic. Lexi was trying to finish up some work so she could play tonight, and I hated being alone with my thoughts. My mood had been pretty dark since the miscarriage and being around Adam helped me lighten up. The carefree doctor was sexy as hell and fun to be around. His arm dropped around my shoulder and we started walking back towards Lexi’s apartment.

“How are you feeling today?”

I cocked my head as I looked at him. “Are you asking as Adam or Dr. Parker?”

He shrugged. “Both.”

“Things are okay. It helps when I get out of the apartment. I’ve been really busy with work too, so that helps.”

“I’m glad the paparazzi quit following you.”

“You’re just happy they aren’t printing things about the sexy, single doctor I’ve been hanging out with anymore.” I bumped him with my hip and he laughed.

“It was a little surprising to see my face plastered on gossip websites. I’m not going to lie.”

We walked in comfortable silence for a few minutes. Our hands lightly brushing with each step.  

“So, I need to go to a showcase tonight. Lexi and Luke are coming along, do you want to come with us?”

“I would,” he started, a blush covering his handsome face. “But, I have a date.”

“Oh.” My confidence evaporated. That little bit of happiness I’d felt drained away. I didn’t know he was seeing anyone and I suddenly felt stupid for how I’d been acting this whole day. We had been flirting and having fun, but now it felt different. “Well, if you guys want to come, I’ll leave your name at the door. Just text Lexi for the info.”

“Emmy, I didn’t want to—”

“Don’t worry about it, Adam.” I smiled brightly as I could. “I need to go start getting ready, okay? I’ll talk to you later.”

“Em—”

“Bye, Adam.”

I crossed the street and started jogging towards Lexi’s apartment. Adam called out behind me, but I ducked into the back entrance of the building before he could catch up to me. To my amazement, the elevator was open and waiting on the ground floor.

“Stupid. Stupid. Stupid,” I said, hitting my head against the door with each word. The elevator seemed to take forever on its climb to the penthouse apartment. Why had I thought Adam would actually be interested in me? We flirted all the time, but why would I think that meant he would be interested in someone that’s broken? My life was out of control right now. It made sense that Adam was going out with someone, but it didn’t help the disappointment I felt. I choked back a sob as I let myself into the apartment. After all this disappointment over the past few months, I was done. Emotionally and physically done. Adam had bruised my pride and my heart, but this was my new reality, I should just get used to it.

 

I stared out my office window as I thought back to the first time I actually admitted to myself that I had feelings for Adam. The night had ended up with me getting drunk off my ass and confessing everything to Lexi. She’d tried to calm me down and tell me that Adam felt the same way, he was just being cautious because I kept pushing him away, plus he didn’t know where I stood with the whole divorce thing. None of that had mattered at the time though. I was so far gone that I couldn't take in anything she was trying to say. The hangover from hell had made me swear off drinking for a long time. Lexi still has a hard time getting me to drink vodka.

If I thought I felt stupid then, it had nothing on how I felt now. I hated that I’d hurt Adam, but I hadn’t wanted to lie to him. Everything in our relationship had been easy and fun up until it wasn’t. He respected the fact that I had walls up and I wanted things to move slowly between us. I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t want anything else to do with me, but I hoped that he could forgive me one day.